Long-Distance

[TriptychR]

Something I never expected has happened: I have entered into a long-distance relationship.

I met her on a forum (not this one) about a month ago and have talked to her just about every day since then for hours. Finally, recently, feelings came to the surface and we decided to give a relationship a try. I live in Western New York state, she lives in Eastern Pennsylvania/New Jersey (between home and college).

We're near the same age and share many similar views on religion and sex (which is a great relief to me). I'm sure there'd be no problem at all if we lived closer to each other. However "long-distance" looms over us with dread. I know several long-disatnce success stories, so I know it can work, but I still can't shake the feeling that odds are more against us than they are with a traditional relationship.

What do you feel about it? Does anyone happen to have any advice? Thank you.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I hope I don't get totally flamed for saying this, and I certainly don't want to put a damper on your happiness; however, I am thoroughly against internet romances. For one, anyone can be anything they think you want them to be. You can only pray that they are being honest with you (which, from my extensive experience with online relationships is maybe 1 out of 20 people). There is the issue of not being able to spend time together. How can you properly cultivate a successful relationship when you're rarely able to witness one another in various settings, i.e., church, ministry capacities, family, friends, school, work, etc.? Not to mention, being long distance I personally feel (IMMHO) the sexual temptation is far greater. Because you only see each other at best four times a year (depending on financial circumstances, time constraints, and distance apart could be more or less frequently) you crave the affection because you know you won't see this person again for awhile. Also, there is the tendency to want to rush things and place a stigma of ownership over that person because the trust factor gets in the way. It's no simple task trusting someone who lives hundreds, sometimes thousands, of miles away.

Trust me, there are more horror stories than success stories in regard to LDR's, especially ones that begin online. It's one thing if you grow up with someone, date for awhile, and then one of you moves away for college and you continue the relationship. It's quite another to start a relationship and throw yourselves headfirst into a very trying situation. You have doubts, you have them for a reason. Perhaps it's satan trying to attack your spirit. Or perhaps it's the Holy Spirit trying to convict you. Pray really really hard about this. Just because you and this girl share alot of similar values does not mean it's God's will. People are deceiving and it's alot easier to be deceived when placing your faith and trust in someone you have never even met in the flesh. Be very, very careful.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

I would just like to add, God's intended purpose for a relationship is to test one another and see if you're compatible for marriage, not to simply kill time, have fun, or fill some emotional void in our lives. In order to achieve this two people have to witness the good, the bad, and the ugly during the course of courtship. When you only see each other a few times a year, you're obviously both going to be on your absolute best behavior, which puts a glossy facade over who the "true" person is.

 

[flounder7786]

so here is the deal...before getting head over heals for this girl, you guys should really...meet...or something. Go out with a group of both of your friends...and i know thats tough because you live soo far away, but before you give yourself to her emotionally you should really see what she is like in person. THEN you should consider a LD relationship...which, they are tough, but they are AMAZING too...so, after you find all that stuff out, you can PM me and i will talk to you about the whole LD relationship, and how to make that work out...

 

[FatBurger]

I hope I don't get totally flamed for saying this, and I certainly don't want to put a damper on your happiness; however, I am thoroughly against internet romances.

I am too.

Meet them in person before you even think about beginning any sort of relationship.

 

[TriptychR]

I definitely understand all the doubts expressed above, and meeting won't be possible unti at least January. Right now I'm very focused on the emotional part of the relationship, not the physical. I want to see the good and the bad, because I know that's the only way this will ever work. But you are right, fluffy, in the respect that I will not be absolutely sure whether she is being deceptive or not, even though I don't believe she is.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

From my own personal experience. Work on the friendship right now. My S/O and I spent a year getting to know eachother as friends before we could start dating. (And yes there were feeligns between us, and we knew that but due to being so far apart we worked on the friendship first, before we could be closer.)

Take this next month or two and get to know her as a friend. WOrk on the friendship, then meet, and then decide from there whether or not you want to persue a relationship.
Im in a LDR right now, and its hard. Luckily we live only 5 hrs away, so we can see eachother usually every 3-4 weeks so its not too bad. But its hard. Its alot of work. A LDR IS NOT AN EASY THING!!! You have to be totally comitted and resposible. Take my advice and get to know her as a friend first. Then meet, if you are still serious about her, then start to think about dating.

Also you really have to think about hte positives and negatives of a LRD... I knew I had to when I started dating Josh... Your relationship will really have to take a shift in direction when you are doing it LD- educate yourself on LDR's- talk to people who are in one, or have been in one.
I believe they can work. But like I said, they are hard but I truly believe they can work. Yeah I have heared all the horror stories about LDR's, but if you are comitted to that person, adn you really want it to work it, it will.

Of course dont forget to seek God's guidance and approval of this relationship. Is she a christian? Do you feel this is something God wants you to do? Would it be a relationship that he could bless, and would bring him honor and glory? I know I had to pray about all these thigns (and I know my S/O did and continues to).

Anyways just some thigns sto think about

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Right now I'm very focused on the emotional part of the relationship, not the physical.

Both are equally important though. Not physical in the sense of intimacy, but physical contact none the less.

I want to see the good and the bad, because I know that's the only way this will ever work. But you are right, fluffy, in the respect that I will not be absolutely sure whether she is being deceptive or not

True, and in all fairness to her she doesn't know 100% if what you're saying is the truth. It's so easy to be someone else online and oftentimes we don't even realize we're doing it. Most of the time it's not with the intentions of being malicious towards the other person, but we all want to be liked and accepted. Trouble is, once you start living this online persona you lose sight of who you are.

even though I don't believe she is.

Well, that's why it's called deception. It sneaks up on us, catches us offguard. We never want to suspect that someone could be putting up a front any more than we believe we are to them, but we do. Most people online do it. Judging by the words I type on this screen, would you assume I'm a smoker or a drinker or a even a sex offender? I'm not a sex offender, but I do smoke and occasionally drink. Judging by my words on here and what I post, would you ever guess that I play poker every Saturday night for money and laugh at dirty jokes or struggle with cursing like a sailor? I doubt it. Why would you assume those things about me? I have given no indication on here whatsoever that I do those things. Does that make me a liar? No. It makes me a human being who not only exercises discretion and tact so as not to offend others with my shortcomings, but also because I don't want to just come out and be a disagreeable individual. Am I a Christian? Absolutely. Do I strive for purity in my words, thoughts, and actions? Most definitely. Am I human being who does struggle with the ways of the word. You know it. But you would never know these things about me just based upon our limited encounters online. We could talk for hours and I could withhold those things from you and you'd never know it. Do these things make me a bad person? Not necessarily, but it's still withholding the truth if I had chosen to never reveal them to you all. That's my point.

I'm not saying you should ditch this girl. I'm just saying to pray very very long and hard that God's will be done and not your own. He ultimately knows what's best. Not me, not your, not your friends, and not anyone else on this forum.

 

[TriptychR]

Take this next month or two and get to know her as a friend. Work on the friendship, then meet, and then decide from there whether or not you want to persue a relationship.

But what if you've already decided to have an LDR? Would it really be healthy to say "Hold it. Let's take it back and just work on being friends right now?" We've already admitted that we have feelings for each other (at least in how much we know each other). How do we keep those on the backburner now?

Im in a LDR right now, and its hard. Luckily we live only 5 hrs away, so we can see eachother usually every 3-4 weeks so its not too bad. But its hard. Its alot of work. A LDR IS NOT AN EASY THING!!! You have to be totally comitted and resposible. Take my advice and get to know her as a friend first. Then meet, if you are still serious about her, then start to think about dating.

I really do want to try, but what am I supposed to do until I get the chance to meet her?

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

I believe that LDR can work. Listen, there is just as good of a chance to meeting a nutcase face to face than online. I think I've met more face to face. Seriously, though, I have! I have had the face to face relationship where things were hidden from me and I was lied to and deceived. You may think you have a better "handle" on it face to face, but if someone wants to keep things from you, they will.

I say use this time to get to know each other better. Enjoy the emails, the phone calls. There are steps to take with a LDR as there are with a "regular" relationship. I think a LDR takes a lot more effort to make it work. Use this time to just get to know each other more. There's so much you can learn from each other. My bf and I are in a LDR and I've learned so much about him, about myself, than I have in any "regular" relationship. I just say be open, be honest and pray about it.

I think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with meeting someone online. I think you do need to be cautious and test the waters instead of jumping right in. For some people, it doesn't work for them. For others, it does.

 

[FatBurger]

I really do want to try, but what am I supposed to do until I get the chance to meet her?

Just get to know her. We spent almost a year just talking all the time before we ever got a chance to meet in real life, and I'm very glad for that, it's given a good foundation for the next part of our relationship.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

But what if you've already decided to have an LDR? Would it really be healthy to say "Hold it. Let's take it back and just work on being friends right now?"

That's the problem with letting those fuzzy feelings take control instead of prayerfully making the decision taking all issues into consideration. You're having these doubts and now you're wondering "gee, now what am I supposed to do? I've already made the commitment". It's a tricky situation, one that I have fallen prey to more than once. I meet a guy, we have instant chemistry, we have alot in common, and then we jump head first into a serious relationship not even realizing who we are and where the relationship is going. Before long the "L" word is being spoken and then we start to see the "real" person and we're wondering if we've made a mistake of gigantic proportions and then we're scared of hurting the other person and being lonely. That's why it is so important to not only guard our hearts, but the hearts of those we enter into any type of relationship with, whether it be romantic, friendship, or otherwise.

We've already admitted that we have feelings for each other (at least in how much we know each other).

That's where it got squirrely. Even if you had met in person through church, work, etc. you wouldn't know within only a month's time if you have feelings for each other. At least not feelings worthy of basing a serious relationship on. Yes, it feels good to meet someone you have lots in common with. Yes it feels nice to say "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend". Yes, it feels nice to be wanted by someone of the opposite sex. The problem here is, you two rushed into opening up and sharing your feelings that you have and making the decision to call it a "relationship". You went based on your feelings as she did hers. Was it out of a feeling of neediness or obligation? Was it to fill a void? I would seriously reflect upon your motives and intentions that lead you in this direction.

How do we keep those on the backburner now?

That is the real conundrum. That is the real problem with jumping into a relationship with someone you barely know. You start to let reason set in and you have doubts, but then you think "well, I've already committed myself to this".

I really do want to try, but what am I supposed to do until I get the chance to meet her?

If you truly believe it's God's will for you to stick it out then I would consider doing a few things:

1. Seek godly counsel from your parents, pastor, or a trusted Christian mentor on this particular situation. Have this person prayer for you and her and this relationship.

2. Spend alot of time in prayer with your Father and ask His help in this.

3. Read Joshua Harris' Boy Meets Girl.

4. Take it slow.

 

[PurpleBunny]

Get to know one another really really well... and spend as much time together in person as possible. My fiance and I met online, but it was only possible because we see each other a minimum of every 3 weeks... usually every 1-2 weeks (for the weekend). Time together and communication are key. Go to church together. Pray together.

And, as another poster said, be very careful of temptation to move fast physically. It's something a lot of LDR Christians really struggle with, from my own experience and from what I've seen in other LDRs.

 

[TriptychR]

That's where it got squirrely. Even if you had met in person through church, work, etc. you wouldn't know within only a month's time if you have feelings for each other. At least not feelings worthy of basing a serious relationship on. Yes, it feels good to meet someone you have lots in common with. Yes it feels nice to say "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend". Yes, it feels nice to be wanted by someone of the opposite sex. The problem here is, you two rushed into opening up and sharing your feelings that you have and making the decision to call it a "relationship". You went based on your feelings as she did hers. Was it out of a feeling of neediness or obligation? Was it to fill a void? I would seriously reflect upon your motives and intentions that lead you in this direction.

I have been putting a lot of thought into this. You may very well be right; I have only had one relationship in my life, and that ended nearly three and a half years ago. But I also can't help thinking what if she is the one for me. How do I know unless I learn more about her? There seems to be less damage in continuing the relationship than there is in just sitting around being hit with scheduled waves of loneliness for three more years.

I have not had the experiences that you have had. Perhaps I need to... But I can't not take the chance. I really do want to play it slow right now, and I am prepared to end it if things aren't working. I sincerely thank you for your advice. It is clear that you have put a lot of thought into and have good intentions for me, which I am very grateful for. I want to keep trying, though.

EDIT: Perhaps a better explanation of our relationship right now is in order. We have called each other "boyfriend/girlfriend," but nothing else has really happened. We continue to talk a lot, asking a lot of questions about each other. We did have a conflict yesterday, but we resolved it later. There hasn't been any talk of physical things.

 

[invisiblebabe]

I believe that LDR can work. Listen, there is just as good of a chance to meeting a nutcase face to face than online. I think I've met more face to face. Seriously, though, I have! I have had the face to face relationship where things were hidden from me and I was lied to and deceived. You may think you have a better "handle" on it face to face, but if someone wants to keep things from you, they will.

Totally agreed here. Don't discount a relationship that seems to have great potential if the only thing stopping you from trying is the distance.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

*hugs* Triptych you seem to be an awesome guy with a good head on your shoulders. I can only hope what I have said has not offended or hurt you (or anyone else) in any way. That was not my intent. I think it's great you want to take it slowly. I've just been terribly burned by wanting to rush the process of love without any real significant forethought. Only because, like you, I was scared I would miss out on something great. Yes, I have had my fair share of relationship experiences...more than I really wish I would have. I don't feel I've really gained anything from it other than an extreme level of caution when it comes to relationships from this point on. I do sincerely wish you both the best in whatever route you choose to take.

 

[invisiblebabe]

We have called each other "boyfriend/girlfriend," but nothing else has really happened.

From my own experience, deciding you are boyfriend/girlfriend before meeting in person does not work. Sure, you can decide there is a lot of potential and talk it over.... but don't actually make that commitment until you know what the other is like face-to-face.

 

[FatBurger]

From my own experience, deciding you are boyfriend/girlfriend before meeting in person does not work. Sure, you can decide there is a lot of potential and talk it over.... but don't actually make that commitment until you know what the other is like face-to-face.

I agree with this.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

I agree with this.

As do I

 

[Peculiarone]

I am in on myself and it is hard. Being in a 'relationship' with someone you haven't met is taking a RISK. I did that with my now beau for 6 months until we met. Don't take risk. Meet first then decide from there.