Long-distance relationships

[fraggable]

I have a personal reason for making this thread, but really I want people to post random thoughts on long-distance relationships and what they think about the subject in general because I'm not sure what I think and I want to hear some opinions.

There's a girl I know who lives 6.5 hours away that I really really like and who has told me would be with me in a heartbeat if I asked, the only think holding me back is that I've always wanted a g/f who I could be with at least once a week and get to know her on a day-to-day level. Her family is there, mine is here, I don't know who would move if it came down to it someday, I just can't move but wouldn't want to take her from her family...

So I'm torn. Let me know what you think.

 

[die2live]

I don't know. If I were you and I didn't ask the question, I think I would probably regret it, especially if no other opportunities arise. But from what I've heard, long distance relationships are really hard, and I would not consider you to be callous for wanting to avoid one. I say pray some more, read the Bible, and then do what God tells you too, at least as best as you can discern that. Then just trust God.

 

[sampa]

fraggable, for myself, it would be ok. It allows me space to think and continue on with my interest without being consumed by the relationship. One of the biggest problems with LDR though is that you don't know the others friends and your friends aren't able to observe them. One useful tool I've found are social networks like myspace or facebook. You can see what others say about them or who their friends are.

Over time if the level becomes more I'd probably want to relocate, but at the same time that's a pretty difficult choice and something good to think about before getting into it. So there are quite a few obstacles, but it's not unmanagable.

 

[sampa]

.... I say pray some more, read the Bible, and then do what God tells you too, at least as best as you can discern that. Then just trust God.

die2live, good advice.

 

[deliciousBass]

I have a personal reason for making this thread, but really I want people to post random thoughts on long-distance relationships and what they think about the subject in general because I'm not sure what I think and I want to hear some opinions.

There's a girl I know who lives 6.5 hours away that I really really like and who has told me would be with me in a heartbeat if I asked, the only think holding me back is that I've always wanted a g/f who I could be with at least once a week and get to know her on a day-to-day level. Her family is there, mine is here, I don't know who would move if it came down to it someday, I just can't move but wouldn't want to take her from her family...

So I'm torn. Let me know what you think.

I dated my ex when she was in college and she lived 3 hours away. The hard part wasn't the relationship, but the logistics of it all. Driving every weekend to see her was expensive and put a lot of miles on the car. And nevermind the cost of hotel rooms and food when you're out of town, etc.

But honestly, even though it didn't end pleasantly, it was well worth it. If I liked someone 6 1/2 hours away, I would probably make the drive every other week or at least once a month. And if the airfare was cheap, maybe even more often. But that's just me.

I mean, you never know you could very well end up marrying her someday. But I would also follow the advice of others and pray about this. You're in a circumstance where it's better to use logic and not emotion to make this decision. I would only pursue this relationship if you see it possibly going very, very far. Just my 2 cents.

 

[traingosorry]

Tattedsaint and I are in a LDR and have been for 3 years. It's not been an easy road and we have not been able to see eachother nearly as much as we liked but we still fight to keep it going.

In comparison to our situation, being 6.5 hours away from one another is more favourable as opposed to being across the country. It's really nothing if this girl means as much to you as you say she does. But if your heart isn't in it and you just can't get past the fact that you might not be able to see her once a week, it will never work.

 

[frenzy]

From my experiences, long distant relationships tend to be easier when they aren't long distance at first, and then someone has to move away for whatever reason. I know starting a brand new relationship could be very hard, but it's certainly not impossible, and if its something you'd like to try, then I say go for it.

 

[puffca]

Tattedsaint and I are in a LDR and have been for 3 years. It's not been an easy road and we have not been able to see eachother nearly as much as we liked but we still fight to keep it going.
...

How many more "3 years" do you both have?
You should get married.

Speaking of LTR, I know it doesn't work for me.

 

[traingosorry]

How many more "3 years" do you both have?
You should get married.

Speaking of LTR, I know it doesn't work for me.

Ha. Thanks, now tell us something we don't know.
We have personal circumstances keeping us from 'just getting married'. And we will have as many more 3 years it will take before we can be married.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Why wouldn't you be willing to move?

I couldn't start out a relationship long distance. I'm a quality time type of person and I HAVE to be with the person I am dating on a regular basis. If I don't get that time I don't do well. But thats just me personally, others do just fine in LDR's. I was in an LDR for about 2 months with about 200 miles between us, but we still managed to see each other a couple of times a week. But now that I have moved closer to him I don't think we could do the long distance thing again.

But, like I said, I'm just relaying my own experiences. If you feel that its something worth going for then do it, but also remember that if it does turn into something you may have to be willing to make the sacrifice and move.

 

[Keri]

I have a personal reason for making this thread, but really I want people to post random thoughts on long-distance relationships and what they think about the subject in general because I'm not sure what I think and I want to hear some opinions.

There's a girl I know who lives 6.5 hours away that I really really like and who has told me would be with me in a heartbeat if I asked, the only think holding me back is that I've always wanted a g/f who I could be with at least once a week and get to know her on a day-to-day level. Her family is there, mine is here, I don't know who would move if it came down to it someday, I just can't move but wouldn't want to take her from her family...

So I'm torn. Let me know what you think.

I used to think that I would never leave California for anyone. Things have changed. Not only do I LOVE where my SO lives, I would give up living in California and being close to my family in a heartbeat. I never used to think I would ever do that, but now, I wouldn't want it any other way. I know I will see my family a lot and they would come visit me. They are always looking for an excuse to take a vacation.

Anyway, to the OP, if you really care about the person, the distance wouldn't stop you from being together.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Where does your SO live, that you would ditch the Greatest State On Earth for him?

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

 

[Blank123]

i've been in an LDR with someone on the other side of the continent for over a year. 6.5 hours is nothing.

it just depends on whether you're both committed to making it work and if you're okay with not seeing each other every day. If you both are able to schedule your weeks properly you could probably see each other on the weekends or something though. and there's always IM and the phone for when you're not physically in the same place.

Yes its hard not being close to someone you care so much about but it can be healthy for the relationship too. You learn how to really communicate with each other, how to trust each other, and how to keep the focus of the relationship pure since the very dynamic of the relationship shifts the focus of the relationship from purely a physical attraction to intellectual, spiritual and emotional attraction. Personal quirks and mannerisms that you'd only see in person aside, i find that its actually a good way to get to know who someone really is since all you really have is talking (if you're taking your time to actually get to know the person of course), you're not going to be distracted by how great the other person looks or how much fun it is to make out or anything like that because that time is spent actually getting to know them. Whats important to them, how they think, religious views etc.. it all comes out a lot faster, in my experience, if all you have is talking

 

[deliciousBass]

You learn how to really communicate with each other, how to trust each other, and how to keep the focus of the relationship pure since the very dynamic of the relationship shifts the focus of the relationship from purely a physical attraction to intellectual, spiritual and emotional attraction.

That's good stuff.

 

[overit]

Totally not my thing, didn't work for me at all. Personally I think it's particularly selfish and irresponsible if you have children. AND I include myself in that because we both had kids and I learned my lesson. If your children have ties to community and family then it is NOT fair to up and move so man/woman can be happy. As a single parent, your kids come first.

My exh lives here, and though definately not the best of parents he still sees them several times a month and if I had moved that relationship would have been non-existent. I could not do that, I had a career of over 10yr in what I love to do, a big city, family, friends, church, community, getting to travel....to give that all up to live in a smalltown, with no diversity-no homechurch to go to, no family, no friends...I would have been back in less then a year. Some people though are totally ok w/just having a spouse in their life-that person becomes their whole life/family/community and they don't care about anything else-or what the kids need. But that's not me...I have much tying me here at the time. SO it would be irresponsible for me to even think of getting involved seriously with somebody in a LDR.

The other thing is it was SO time consuming to PLAN it it exhausted me....I could fly for free but the whole thing was still exhausting. Every other wknd when my kids were at their dads (sometimes I"d fly with them or he would fly here)...then the town was almost 2hr drive from the airport! So by the time I got there was there 24hrs or less and coming back. And because he would pre-plan the next get-together it was rare that I could get a wknd that kids were w/their dad for me to just chill w/grlfnds, or clean house...I had no alone time-evenings were consumed with phonecalls, etc. I find you have to invest almost more time/energy and there's not a natural flow to them as there is when living in the same city. It's such a hassle, such energy and time to make it work, it just drained me.

So no, I wouldn't do it again...not my thing. Not the wisest thing to do if you have kids also IMO.

 

[deliciousBass]

Totally not my thing, didn't work for me at all. Personally I think it's particularly selfish and irresponsible if you have children. AND I include myself in that because we both had kids and I learned my lesson. If your children have ties to community and family then it is NOT fair to up and move so man/woman can be happy. As a single parent, your kids come first.

My exh lives here, and though definately not the best of parents he still sees them several times a month and if I had moved that relationship would have been non-existent. I could not do that, I had a career of over 10yr in what I love to do, a big city, family, friends, church, community, getting to travel....to give that all up to live in a smalltown, with no diversity-no homechurch to go to, no family, no friends...I would have been back in less then a year. Some people though are totally ok w/just having a spouse in their life-that person becomes their whole life/family/community and they don't care about anything else-or what the kids need. But that's not me...I have much tying me here at the time. SO it would be irresponsible for me to even think of getting involved seriously with somebody in a LDR.

The other thing is it was SO time consuming to PLAN it it exhausted me....I could fly for free but the whole thing was still exhausting. Every other wknd when my kids were at their dads (sometimes I"d fly with them or he would fly here)...then the town was almost 2hr drive from the airport! So by the time I got there was there 24hrs or less and coming back. And because he would pre-plan the next get-together it was rare that I could get a wknd that kids were w/their dad for me to just chill w/grlfnds, or clean house...I had no alone time-evenings were consumed with phonecalls, etc. I find you have to invest almost more time/energy and there's not a natural flow to them as there is when living in the same city. It's such a hassle, such energy and time to make it work, it just drained me.

So no, I wouldn't do it again...not my thing. Not the wisest thing to do if you have kids also IMO.

I think it also depends on how often you need to see somebody. It sounds like since you could fly for free that you took advantage of that and maybe saw him too often? I believe that could really tire you out... Some people are find with seeing eachother once a month or long and they do okay.

 

[overit]

I think it also depends on how often you need to see somebody. It sounds like since you could fly for free that you took advantage of that and maybe saw him too often? I believe that could really tire you out... Some people are find with seeing eachother once a month or long and they do okay.

Well, we saw eachother every couple weeks, but for me, once a month or so would have been fine. He's the one that pre-planned us to keep meeting up. I got a lot of pouting the one time I had friends coming in and it was going to be 3 wks between seeing eachother, he was upset by that, I wasn't...I think he was bothered that I was ok with us not seeing eachother as often. But I'm just a "need my space" kind of gal, and need time to travel, be with friends, clean house, have alone time, have girls only time, have time with kids alone time....The chances of finding someone as independent and that over all respects MY independence as a woman is not very likely.

 

[deliciousBass]

Well, we saw eachother every couple weeks, but for me, once a month or so would have been fine. He's the one that pre-planned us to keep meeting up. I got a lot of pouting the one time I had friends coming in and it was going to be 3 wks between seeing eachother, he was upset by that, I wasn't...I think he was bothered that I was ok with us not seeing eachother as often. But I'm just a "need my space" kind of gal, and need time to travel, be with friends, clean house, have alone time, have girls only time, have time with kids alone time....The chances of finding someone as independent and that over all respects MY independence as a woman is not very likely.

Yeah, he sounds like he was a little codependant.

I can't imagine it would be that difficult to find a guy who is independent and respects your independence as well... That's odd. But then again I'm not in your shoes so what do I know. I understand completely about the kids though. The ideal man would understand that and also that you have responsibilities at home to take care of. Geesh, you'd think that a grown man would understand that too!

It really surprises me sometimes how umm... dysfunctional so many people are. I'll stop before I go into a full out rant.

 

[BeefSupreme]

if you really care about the person, the distance wouldn't stop you from being together.

...


Oh never mind. I'm over it.