This summer I learned that there is a difference between being depressed and being anxious. For the life of me, I can't tell which one I'm feeling this morning. "Danxious?" "Aepressed?"
I just know that yesterday I came home after a good, productive day at work feeling lonely and friendless even though in the last two days I've been invited to a house warming party and a Farewell party by two separate friends. One is on Saturday and the other is on Sunday. I will see other friends at both parties. Another friend called me on Sunday to go to the beach. Since I never check my cell phone, I didn't get the message until the next day. My best friend wants to do dinner during the week.
People may not be pounding on my door to be my friend... but I am not as friendless as my depressed mind wants me to believe. When I post in threads here on CF... I have a bad habit of being a thread killer. I'm usually the last to post in most of the threads I've been in... and I can't figure out why. Given that I am usually in a daily struggle with either depression or anxiety or BOTH, most of the threads on CF that are all light and fluffy don't appeal to me. I honestly don't CARE what people had for breakfast or what hobbies people have. I don't EAT breakfast and when I'm depressed I don't have any hobbies. I haven't had any hobbies in a long time.
CF used to be home. Now I feel lonely here too. There are a few people with whom I connect and I praise God for them. Maharg, Fireaboss, LostnFound, encouraging_angel (??)... you are the only ones here who seem to care about me and I am thankful to God that you do.
Leaving CF is not an option. Where would I go at 3am when I'm stressed out, crying, and can't breathe? I could pray by myself... but I'd rather air my thoughts to get them out of my head. I'd rather get whatever believers who are reading my words to pray for me. Too often my prayers turn into axiety/worry sessions... or worse, I go to sleep mid-prayer. Or I start thinking about what I'm going to feed the dog. Oh, I just remembered another dream.
Much of my stress/anxiety/worry/depression right now stems from situations that I can't change and fear of the future. My home and my job are what cause me to lose the most amount of sleep. I need prayer. I'm not sure exactly where or when I started to believe that I am a failure... but it's a lie. God does not make failures. I may have failed at many things... but that just means that I've TRIED many things. Some people coast through life never having tried anything. My life has not been cookie cutter. When I do die, my life won't be full of regrets over things not done.
Lord? How do I live my life? I want to glorify you and I don't think that has to be to the exclusion of my own happiness. I will no longer be a martyr in the name of failure. Words of failure or judgements that people have spoken into my life? I no longer receive those words. Other people's opinions of me can't matter more to me than your's. Let your view of me be the only view I see.
