Lonely and afraid

[Bellicus]

I have really no clue what to do with my life. It feels like I have been so far away from God that I will never find a good life. I feel haunted by my past, and there is no one that can ever understand who I am. I've tried so much to find a way, but there is no way to be found. All around me there is closed doors. And there is no one like me to be seen no matter where I look, no place I can call home. I've seen too deep into the darkness. It is like a maze that goes on forever, and there is no exit from it, no light in the end of the tunnel, just more of the same. There is nothing good to be found anywhere. It's like life for me is meant to be a failure, a big clown everyone can trow garbage on and I just have to smile and pretend it is all just a funny game. Like a cat that is offered fish, but get slammed with a baseball bat when it wants to have a bite. There is really no good way in describing what life is like, all of this is just empty words that go nowhere and will return with nothing. And I am just tired of it all, tired of being afraid and lonely, living a life that never seem to improve.

And I don't think there is any advice that can be given, not sure where I could post this. I just felt like writing it. Just wanted to be seen, that this is me, and this is life for me.

 

[intrepido]

Hang in there buddy.

Actually, I would recommend you something.

To clear up your mind, you need to travel , as this helps put things into perspective. I don't know your exact situation at the moment, but I often become depressive and scrupulous. I know the feeling, it is the most horrifying thing in this world. I'll pray for you tonight.

But dude, if you can, save some money and bring your butt over to Florida LOL. Get some sun, relax for a few days, go out to the beach and swim, etc. This will make you feel tons better, trust me. What you are feeling right now is Depression or Anxiety, or Scrupulosity. Talk to your doctor about maybe starting on medication or therapy, and then make the trip and you'll see how everything changes for the better...

It is sort of like grabbing a piece of paper with some rubbish poem on it that you wish to destroy. Simply throw it away. You'll see you'll feel much, much better by Christmas time.

 

[DreamsAreFree]

Plenty of young people feel the same way. I work with them often. You can grab the bull by the horns and forge a plan for the future. Maybe seek some help to enable you to do this with guidance. You are the one who can change things.

 

[brinny]

I have really no clue what to do with my life. It feels like I have been so far away from God that I will never find a good life. I feel haunted by my past, and there is no one that can ever understand who I am. I've tried so much to find a way, but there is no way to be found. All around me there is closed doors. And there is no one like me to be seen no matter where I look, no place I can call home. I've seen too deep into the darkness. It is like a maze that goes on forever, and there is no exit from it, no light in the end of the tunnel, just more of the same. There is nothing good to be found anywhere. It's like life for me is meant to be a failure, a big clown everyone can trow garbage on and I just have to smile and pretend it is all just a funny game. Like a cat that is offered fish, but get slammed with a baseball bat when it wants to have a bite. There is really no good way in describing what life is like, all of this is just empty words that go nowhere and will return with nothing. And I am just tired of it all, tired of being afraid and lonely, living a life that never seem to improve.

And I don't think there is any advice that can be given, not sure where I could post this. I just felt like writing it. Just wanted to be seen, that this is me, and this is life for me.

Take heart. I've been there...still sort of am....i don't have the words to describe it....

it's like God hemmed me in.....and i was soooo frustrated. Sooooo hurt....so angry....and weary....

i'm soooooo glad you posted. All is not lost. I can attest to feeling beyond hopeless, and so out of the mix that it was like i was on another planet or in the Twilight Zone. I told God to leave me alone. I wanted to die. I wanted to find a cave and crawl into it, into the deepest crevice in it, and stay there....

I still don't have the words, because i thought i had already experienced enough seraing pain for an eon of lifetimes.....but this pain was beyond what my consciousness could grasp.....

it was what i can only describe as a wilderness journey.

i don't have answers for you...we each have to walk our own journeys, but i can encourage you and tell you that you are not alone...i can pray for you.

I was watching this earlier and the tears just rolled...it speaks for my heart....and this yearning to climb on Abba's lap and rest my weary head in His chest and listen to His heart beating......

It's called The More I Seek You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3GijrnfStk

Remember who you are, my brother, and beloved son of the Most High God (((hug))))

 

[brinny]

Here are the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQjiPhPsK38

 

[Elijah2]

Mate, I posted a number of articles on the "Treasures of Darkness". Basically, my own life, and even though I still struggle with life problems, I keep going knowing that our Lord Jesus Christ is my Saviour, Master, Lord and King.

Have a read of those postings at:
Part 1: http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=7281307
Part 2: http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=7281819

I haven't posted Part 3 & 4.

Be blessed in Jesus' Name.

 

[Saucy]

Like others said above, a lot of young people (including myself) have gone through this myself. But what you are doing is putting a limit on what God can do in your life. You are saying, "I am stuck and there is no way out. Nobody can help me..." So what, the God who created you, the heavens and earth can't create a way out for you?

When I find myself stuck, I look around and realize that it was me who got myself stuck. You're tired of living life this way, lonely and whatever. So, get up and do something about it. Go out and make friends. They don't have to be exactly like you. I find friends in church. Get active in a ministry in church where you will make friends. Knock on doors and opportunites will open to you. Have you gone to college? If not it's never too late to start. You can find grants, loans and scholarships if you can't afford it. There are things you can do, places to go, find a change in scenery, friends to make. You can change your life. You can't just sit around and pout and expect things to change on their own.

 

[drich0150]

Have you ever watch a lion hunt on the discovery channel or something like that? They prowl around looking to single out one of there prey who don't look strong as the others for what ever reason, then pounce.. With this in mind in 1 Peter 5:8 we are told to:

8Be self controlled, and alert. your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him and stand firm in the faith, because you know your brothers thorough out the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 10And the God of all grace, who has called you to eternal glory in Christ after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

You have been singled out (for whatever reason)

(Resisting him) in this case would mean to put off, or cast away your lustful (not necessary sexual, but desires you want for yourself above your relationship with God) Thoughts, or desires. You "want a place to call home" you dwell in your past, you seek direction, and reassurances for your future.. These things in of themselves don't seem unreasonable, but if your heart seeks these things with more fire and fever than it seeks God, then they become unreasonable for a true "Christian." This is what we are called to "resist". Over comming the lustful wants of the heart IS the condition in which your brothers all over the world suffer with you. You are defiantly not alone, we all struggle with "What the heart wants" Just remember the very things you want Comfort, direction, reassurances of your future Are the very things you have been asked to offer up to God, and you are to "Turn" your heart to refocus on him. It is with Great faith that I tell you once you can truly do this this "Trial" will be over.

Ask God to help you see his true intentions for your life, and ask him for the strength and wisdom to refocus you efforts where he wants you to. You do face a potentially long and hard road ahead. Good luck and God bless.

 

[GQ Chris]

You're not alone feeling this way, after many years away from the Lord he has brought me back into the fold, but it isn't all fun and pleasant stuff, with the work he wants to do in my life he has taken away some things that I used to place great stock in, and I am left with nothing but reliance on Him alone.

But the good thing is that he is putting all sorts of people in my direction too, as a preparation for something Bigger to come. I am both excited but also mixed feelings because I was always one of those guys who was just satisfied being a wallflower.

 

[Bellicus]

Thanks for all the good words everyone. I don't think my life is any different now then yesterday, but I think it helped to put some words on what I felt, and it is good to see that there is people that care and that want to help.

Intrepido: It is strange how you mentioned Florida, I have been thinking about Florida a lot the last months and I have no clue why, I don't know anything about the country really, but I know it is warm there and I have never been to a warm country before. Where I live there is 275 days of rain a year, and it is rare to have days of warm sunshine with no clouds and no cold winds. I've been living in this climate for 30 years soon, and really it is depressing, people that live here is pretty sarcastic and filled with gallows humor and irony.

I guess I could afford anything if I just stopped wasting money. I make about 2200$ each month just by doing nothing, and I keep more then half after all the bills have been paid.

I feel like I want to travel to somewhere else, and get a new start. The winter is coming again after yet a short summer with some few enjoyable days that never feels enough.

Brinny: Thanks for the nice song, I like songs like that, that are peaceful and filled with love and Spirit. And I guess I should just continue to stay close to God like I have been for a while now, and just hope that he knows about open doors that I don't.

Elijah: I remember the verse: “I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the LORD, Who call you by your name, Am the God of Israel” (Isa. 45:3)" From when I first started to look into Christianity. I felt like this was something God wanted me to know. It is strange how you reminded me of that verse now. Cause I am living close to God, and yet in darkness. I really hope he knows about some hidden treasures for me.

Saucy: I see your point about me questioning the Almighty All-knowing Creator of the Universe in this, I should really just trust him, but when it have been so many years where life has been pretty much the same, then I start to wonder why God just look at me and don't do anything. It is like "Hey, God I got some serious problems here" and God answers something like "Hey, I see you got some serious problems there.. I love you you know, and I want all the best for you, but about your problems, this is my words: *silence* " And I reply: "Hi, God, are you there?" And there is just silence.

And yes I should do something about it, but I am on 100% disability because of mental illness, and I try knocking, but there is really not much to do.

drich0150: I know the lion wants to devour me. He is always around trying to make me stumble and give up, but I always find a way away because I stay close to the Spirit.

GQ Chris: I hope you are right, that this is a preparation for something bigger to come. I am not asking for much, I am just asking for a normal life, where I don't feel every day is a struggle.

 

[intrepido]

Dude bring your butt over here, seriously.

In fact if you wanna meet up I can show you around, I live in Miami and you'll have a great time, fer sher.

 

[kellyc]

i think that cold and rain etc all the time would be very depressing. you have enough resources to travel it seems, why not try it? it sounds like you are bored (and i don't mean to simplify your situation at all) but having goals is what keeps people on track, even simple goals, and you said that you get $2200 for doing nothing. so, do something! life sucks and it's hard and all that but usually things start looking up if you force yourself to make some kind of change. no one else is going to change for you, that is for sure. and if you are supposed to take medication for your disability don't stop taking it.

also, remember this
jeremiah 29
11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
12Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

 

[Bellicus]

Dude bring your butt over here, seriously.

In fact if you wanna meet up I can show you around, I live in Miami and you'll have a great time, fer sher.

I really could just pay my rent for the apartment, and take the plane over there if I wanted to. It sounds absurd, but I think God wants me to visit Florida. But I would need some months for it though, I want to have enough money both for the travel and for when I come back. I know it is cheaper over there with food and everything, but I also know that I probably will want to spend more money then usual.

 

[Bellicus]

also, remember this
jeremiah 29
11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
12Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.
13And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

I got the chills now. More verses that God reminded me about years ago.

 

[dustndivinity]

Look around and look into your heart. Maybe there's someone you can reach out for. Someone that you know who can help you. If not, pray He'll send someone.

 

[Elijah2]

Hi B,

You said this, and that is the verse that I used for those postings. Did you read them

Elijah: I remember the verse: “I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the LORD, Who call you by your name, Am the God of Israel” (Isa. 45:3)" From when I first started to look into Christianity. I felt like this was something God wanted me to know. It is strange how you reminded me of that verse now. Cause I am living close to God, and yet in darkness. I really hope he knows about some hidden treasures for me.

 

[Worriedman123]

Dude, do not think your alone in this. Recently I have been feeling EXACTLY the same way for certian reasons. I thought that I was doomed to lead my life in such way forever.
BUT I WAS WRONG.
A mixture of realisation, God and these forums has lifted my emotions, if not for just a moment. If if I can be lifeted for just a moment there is a chance to be happy again

But you wont get over it by struggling through ecah day. You need to try to do diffferent things. I was so scared of admitting anything anywhere, but then it was a quick act of desperation I posted on this forum.

DO NOT let yourself do the same thing because nothing feels worse. Never give up and try some of this suggestions that have been posted as a reply. Chances are they'll work

You'll be in my prayers

 

[ArohaB]

you sound like you're depressed?
the reason i say this is because of the words that you have used to describe your feelings.

have you talked to a doctor about how you are feeling?
how long have you been feeling so down?