Loneliness and God

[mama2one]

it's when a person is happy as a single & radiates that happiness that another single person then notices them


be the best single person you can be now & you will have something to give once you do have a relationship

 

[Jamdoc]

I'm 21 years old and for the past 3 years I have felt very lonely in the sense that I lack affection and love and I really desire being in a relationship. It's been progressively harder to bear, because I was praying for a partner a lot with faith that I'll find somebody good for me. I used to go to church every Sunday and when I sat down I saw plenty of couples of people in my age that started gathering in front of me, as if God was trying to make a joke out of my situation, whatever would be the reason for that. It felt really bad. I've heard multiple times from priests and other people that God allows loneliness to me to make me look for him, or that he tests my faith, or that he never promised me wife, which is probably the most ridiculous one, as if it mattered at all whether God promised me that or not. It's a natural and normal need to have and because it hasn't been fulfilled for quite some time it raises a lot of questions. Does God really care for me? Does God love me? How long will I have to suffer? Does God want to make me feel depressed? Does he even exist? I really don't want to abandon faith completely but I don't even have the strength to pray anymore. Maybe you had similiar experience to me?

I'm 40 and have this same struggle. I'm sorry I have no advice to the matter but I can at least empathize with how you feel.
I find that, on top of the pandemic and my medical conditions keeping me from church, I also have the struggle with actually enjoying church because I go alone, and especially in this pandemic, there's no human contact, and it becomes easier to feel "alone in a crowd" which is a far worse feeling than just being actually alone.
I'm sorry I don't know how to make it better. I pray.. still feel lonely. It is my struggle too.

 

[Psalm 27]

 

[Neogaia777]

I'm 21 years old and for the past 3 years I have felt very lonely in the sense that I lack affection and love and I really desire being in a relationship. It's been progressively harder to bear, because I was praying for a partner a lot with faith that I'll find somebody good for me. I used to go to church every Sunday and when I sat down I saw plenty of couples of people in my age that started gathering in front of me, as if God was trying to make a joke out of my situation, whatever would be the reason for that. It felt really bad. I've heard multiple times from priests and other people that God allows loneliness to me to make me look for him, or that he tests my faith, or that he never promised me wife, which is probably the most ridiculous one, as if it mattered at all whether God promised me that or not. It's a natural and normal need to have and because it hasn't been fulfilled for quite some time it raises a lot of questions. Does God really care for me? Does God love me? How long will I have to suffer? Does God want to make me feel depressed? Does he even exist? I really don't want to abandon faith completely but I don't even have the strength to pray anymore. Maybe you had similiar experience to me?

Your only 21, and if you don't learn to OK by yourself before you find a partner, then I 100% guarantee you, your not ready yet, as it won't work out anyway, anyway, or you'll both wind up being even more miserable than before if you force yourselves to stay together, etc... I think God hasn't sent you the quote/unquote "right one" yet, because your not ready yet, and are not yet "the right one for the right one" yet, etc...

It takes many, many years for some people to figure this out, etc...

You don't want to ruin a potential "right one", do you...?

By the way your talking right now, I can guarantee you, your just not ready yet, and it would do, not only you, but both potential you's, a whole heck of a lot more harm than good, to put both of you together before neither of you are completely ready yet...

And it also sounds to me like your looking for someone who will "fix you" and take care of all the feelings your feeling or having right now, someone to fix and/or save you (from yourself) right now, and that's way, way to much to put on anyone but God and God only, and you need to sort that out completely first, cause it, or that, would not be right, right now, for anyone, etc, not you, and definitely not any other potential other right now, etc...

Your a puppy right now, and haven't learned how to run with the big dogs yet, etc...

Your need to be OK with just you first, etc, and not expect having a potential wife, or whatever, to come in and save you (from yourself) and/or fix you (from yourself), etc...

Come on man really, sort that stuff out first, OK...?

If your not OK alone or by yourself, then you'll never be OK with someone else, nor they really ever, with you, etc...

It's a recipe for a lot of disaster, pain, agony, suffering, sorrow, and misery right now, the way your talking right now...

Really, sort that stuff out first before you go dumping it, like backing up a dump truck, all down on top of somebody else, OK...?

God Bless!

 

[Neogaia777]

It takes two people that are OK being together, and that are also OK being by themselves alone sometimes at the same time, etc... or at some times at the same time, etc... and that are on the same page in that area at the same time, etc... and also won't ever ever cheat also, etc, at the same time, etc...

In my opinion, that's one of the greatest keys to a truly long lasting, and truly grown up full grown adult relationship that has the greatest potential to last a very very long time, etc...

But then again, maybe that's just me, etc...?

Anyway,

God Bless!

 

[Jamdoc]

I guess I can say one thing, but this is not advice for those who are lonely but rather advice for those who have families and loved ones in how they can help the lonely.. if you notice single people in your church that come alone, I understand during the pandemic not doing this.. but when you can, sit next to them, include them. Make them feel like family, because ultimately that is what we're all supposed to be, brethren, family. I know that when I'm feeling alone in a crowd, that is what I want. To be included, to not feel like I'm on the outside looking in. To feel like I do have some connection to other people. Because when you're isolated off by yourself in a crowded room, that's what it feels like. Like you have no connection to all these other people like you're outside looking in. It is far more difficult for that one person to try and include themselves in the group, because they have not really been invited to join, they feel like they're "butting in". It is easier for the group to open up and invite them in. Think of it like you're on a ship out at sea, and the lonely person is man overboard.. what's easier, for the man overboard to try and climb back aboard the ship? or for someone on the ship to throw them a lifeline?

I notice that a lot of the advice focuses on growing more comfortable with your singleness and working on your relationship with the Lord but..
Adam walked with God, and God said
Genesis 2:18

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Human companionship is important. We are simply not meant to be alone with God as our only relationship.

 

[aiki]

I do disagree on a part of the non-bolded paragraph. For that paragraph I didn't bold, the second line, as men, that's something we want to do. We want to approach a woman b/c we want to get to her know better & think she's wonderful & want to spend time w/ her b/c of who she is. We want a real, loving relationship w/ a woman.

Some do, yes. Many don't. My comments were of the "If the shoe fits, wear it" variety. If what I wrote doesn't apply to you, then just ignore it.

The lonliness is a symptom of not having that (tho I bet the scars could still linger). Just b/c we don't like being lonely & don't want to be lonely, that doesn't mean we're putting ourselves first or are poorly motivated.

I didn't marry 'til I was 39. I know what loneliness is. And I realized, by God's grace, that my loneliness wasn't a result of being alone but of giving God short shrift in my life. No one is ever actually alone. There is no place one can be where God is not. But His presence with me was, at one time, not satisfying, it was not a comfort. And this was so because, at that time, I did not really know God well and so did not believe He could be enough. What a strange thought that is to me now; the God of the universe not enough. Yikes, eh?

It may be that you aren't poorly motivated in seeking out the companionship of a good woman. God has made us to form lifelong bonds with someone of the opposite sex. It's quite normal to want to do so. But apart from God, we are all very selfish creatures and will turn our natural, God-given impulses into self-centered and corrupt versions of what they should be. Hence, my comments.

The bottom line, though, as far as I'm concerned, is that a man ought to pursue a woman in order to be a blessing to her, the hands and heart of God to her, not just to mitigate his feelings of loneliness, or to satisfy his sex drive.

 

[Swag365]

Deleted

 

[DragonFox91]

Some do, yes. Many don't. My comments were of the "If the shoe fits, wear it" variety. If what I wrote doesn't apply to you, then just ignore it.



I didn't marry 'til I was 39. I know what loneliness is. And I realized, by God's grace, that my loneliness wasn't a result of being alone but of giving God short shrift in my life. No one is ever actually alone. There is no place one can be where God is not. But His presence with me was, at one time, not satisfying, it was not a comfort. And this was so because, at that time, I did not really know God well and so did not believe He could be enough. What a strange thought that is to me now; the God of the universe not enough. Yikes, eh?

It may be that you aren't poorly motivated in seeking out the companionship of a good woman. God has made us to form lifelong bonds with someone of the opposite sex. It's quite normal to want to do so. But apart from God, we are all very selfish creatures and will turn our natural, God-given impulses into self-centered and corrupt versions of what they should be. Hence, my comments.

The bottom line, though, as far as I'm concerned, is that a man ought to pursue a woman in order to be a blessing to her, the hands and heart of God to her, not just to mitigate his feelings of loneliness, or to satisfy his sex drive.

That's pretty powerful. It's something I've been trying to work on the past month or so.

I'm 40 and have this same struggle. I'm sorry I have no advice to the matter but I can at least empathize with how you feel.
I find that, on top of the pandemic and my medical conditions keeping me from church, I also have the struggle with actually enjoying church because I go alone, and especially in this pandemic, there's no human contact, and it becomes easier to feel "alone in a crowd" which is a far worse feeling than just being actually alone.
I'm sorry I don't know how to make it better. I pray.. still feel lonely. It is my struggle too.

Can't you find a church where you won't feel alone, like attending Bible studies & Sunday School? Or try that at the church you're at? Make it a goal when the pandemic's over (whenever that will be)

 

[bèlla]

Human companionship is important. We are simply not meant to be alone with God as our only relationship.

If the desire for a companion consumes you on a daily basis you’re no different than an addict. If your want for companionship rules you you’re unbalanced. You’ve lost control of your mind and heart (in this area). Loneliness is your master.

If you’ve never been in a relationship you don’t know what it is. You know what you’ve read, heard, and seen. But you’ve never experienced it. If you had you’d realize it isn’t the solution to all your woes. You can be partnered and be lonely, sad, etc. Because the problem lies inside of you. Not the absence.

You’ll enter the connection with a need so great you may crush it. They can’t be your savior. They can’t fix the hole in your heart. Only God can.

You assume the fear will depart when you find them. But it won’t. You’ll have a new fear. Loss will take its place. Every hiccup and disagreement will get to you. Because you’re afraid of losing them.

Instead of allowing the bond to develop naturally. You’ll overcompensate and hold on tight. Until you’re suffocating them. The thought of losing them is too much to bear. And you’ll cling.

Nothing they say or do will suffice. No amount of reassurance will convince you. Fear tells you otherwise. Eventually the rubber band is stretched to its limit and snaps.

And you’re back where you started. Alone.

Note: The you is figurative.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Jaxxi]

I'm 21 years old and for the past 3 years I have felt very lonely in the sense that I lack affection and love and I really desire being in a relationship. It's been progressively harder to bear, because I was praying for a partner a lot with faith that I'll find somebody good for me. I used to go to church every Sunday and when I sat down I saw plenty of couples of people in my age that started gathering in front of me, as if God was trying to make a joke out of my situation, whatever would be the reason for that. It felt really bad. I've heard multiple times from priests and other people that God allows loneliness to me to make me look for him, or that he tests my faith, or that he never promised me wife, which is probably the most ridiculous one, as if it mattered at all whether God promised me that or not. It's a natural and normal need to have and because it hasn't been fulfilled for quite some time it raises a lot of questions. Does God really care for me? Does God love me? How long will I have to suffer? Does God want to make me feel depressed? Does he even exist? I really don't want to abandon faith completely but I don't even have the strength to pray anymore. Maybe you had similiar experience to me?

Does who even exist? That doesn't sound like faith to me. Does He want you to suffer? I don't think what you are describing is suffering. Do you know what suffering is? Do you know what loneliness is? Loneliness is never sinning a day in Your life and taking on the multitude of the sins of the world to be able to save it only to have Your Father turn His back on You and feeling His wrath come upon You making You the BIGGEST sinner who ever lived and feeling His disgust as You arrive to Him, dripping in the filth of this world carrying its shame, He did that for YOU and you don't feel loved? Maybe He is testing you to see if you will wallow in self pity or to see if you will give glory to Him for the things you do have. Gratitude can go a long ways. If you have a child and you have a big surprise for him that you have been waiting for the right time to give it to him, and you watch him in his room playing with the stuff he does have but he doesn't appreciate any of it and you see him in his room kicking his toys and breaking them, totally ungrateful for the things you have already given him and feeling sorry for himself telling you " You're not even my real Dad", do you give him the big surprise? Most parents would hold off and wait for him to learn to appreciate what he has and take care of his toys before they give him the surprise feeling like he does not deserve it yet. The child in essence would already own the big surprise, he just doesn't know it yet because you are waiting for his attitude to change before you give it to him. You knew that he wanted the big surprise, and you have it for him but he can't have it yet. He needs to mature and realize its not all about him. Time goes on and you see him start to take care of what he has. You see him fixing his toys, putting them nicely on the shelves, he starts to share the toys with the kids who don"t have any, even giving some of them away out of gratitude so that they have some too. Then your child comes and tells you that he loves you and thanks you for all the toys he has and is sincere, happy to play with what he has. NOW he is ready for the big surprise because he will appreciate it and not take it for granted because he felt like you OWED him. Does that make sense? God knows what you want and need before you do but the answer is "Not Yet"- especially if you doubt not only His love for you but His very existence! No, no, no. That kind of thinking will get you nowhere and you might even lose some things in the process. I wish you the best. Try not to doubt God or His ways. Of course He does not want you to suffer, but Satan does and by doubting God you surely will. Remember that the goal of this life is not to find love, start a family and live a long happy life, loving everything in it. The goal of this life is not for self. It is to serve God, love Him and glorify Him and mimic Him in all you do in life in hopes of one day going home to Him and not going to hell. Satan wants you in hell so bad he can taste it , as the rest of us.

 

[Leaf473]

I'm 21 years old and for the past 3 years I have felt very lonely in the sense that I lack affection and love and I really desire being in a relationship. It's been progressively harder to bear, because I was praying for a partner a lot with faith that I'll find somebody good for me. I used to go to church every Sunday and when I sat down I saw plenty of couples of people in my age that started gathering in front of me, as if God was trying to make a joke out of my situation, whatever would be the reason for that. It felt really bad. I've heard multiple times from priests and other people that God allows loneliness to me to make me look for him, or that he tests my faith, or that he never promised me wife, which is probably the most ridiculous one, as if it mattered at all whether God promised me that or not. It's a natural and normal need to have and because it hasn't been fulfilled for quite some time it raises a lot of questions. Does God really care for me? Does God love me? How long will I have to suffer? Does God want to make me feel depressed? Does he even exist? I really don't want to abandon faith completely but I don't even have the strength to pray anymore. Maybe you had similiar experience to me?

Hi methodsofdance,
Just a brainstorm idea,
have you tried looking for other lonely people and being "company" to them? Not really even potential wife material, just people who are lonely.

In-person meetings can be difficult these days.
You mentioned talking to priests. Are you catholic? If so, have you tried one of the Catholic singles Meetup sites? Again, not necessarily looking for wife material, but just other people who would enjoy someone to chat with online.

 

[Jamdoc]

That's pretty powerful. It's something I've been trying to work on the past month or so.


Can't you find a church where you won't feel alone, like attending Bible studies & Sunday School? Or try that at the church you're at? Make it a goal when the pandemic's over (whenever that will be)

Unfortunately, it's part of human nature to associate with people you already know, like your family, it goes kind of against human nature to welcome other people into your group, the onus is generally on the single person to try to invite themselves in (and often facing rejection in the process like "who invited you?"). In my analogy... the man overboard is left trying to climb aboard the ship on their own while they're drowning. The are two real exceptions to this is when you first go to school, or boot camp, because everyone is on the same boat at that point, everyone is a single and no cliques have formed yet so people meet their friends in that setting all on the same level. But if you move and join a new school where people have already established relationships, you start facing that problem, where you're the outsider trying to join into a group to make connections, and often times, can be rejected by the group.

To be perfectly honest it's one of the things I fear about heaven itself, because other people will be going and reuniting with family, where my family is all unbelievers. I have a few friends that I will reunite with I guess but I fear that people will want to reunite with their families first and I'll be kinda .. awkwardly by myself, alone in a crowd.

 

[DragonFox91]

Unfortunately, it's part of human nature to associate with people you already know, like your family, it goes kind of against human nature to welcome other people into your group, the onus is generally on the single person to try to invite themselves in (and often facing rejection in the process like "who invited you?"). In my analogy... the man overboard is left trying to climb aboard the ship on their own while they're drowning. The are two real exceptions to this is when you first go to school, or boot camp, because everyone is on the same boat at that point, everyone is a single and no cliques have formed yet so people meet their friends in that setting all on the same level. But if you move and join a new school where people have already established relationships, you start facing that problem, where you're the outsider trying to join into a group to make connections, and often times, can be rejected by the group.

To be perfectly honest it's one of the things I fear about heaven itself, because other people will be going and reuniting with family, where my family is all unbelievers. I have a few friends that I will reunite with I guess but I fear that people will want to reunite with their families first and I'll be kinda .. awkwardly by myself, alone in a crowd.

Right, but there could be another boat that'll come pick you up. Not every group is a clique wanting to keep you off their boat. Find a group that fits. It can take time sometimes, but it'll be worth it.

 

[Jamdoc]

If the desire for a companion consumes you on a daily basis you’re no different than an addict. If your want for companionship rules you you’re unbalanced. You’ve lost control of your mind and heart (in this area). Loneliness is your master.

If you’ve never been in a relationship you don’t know what it is. You know what you’ve read, heard, and seen. But you’ve never experienced it. If you had you’d realize it isn’t the solution to all your woes. You can be partnered and be lonely, sad, etc. Because the problem lies inside of you. Not the absence.

You’ll enter the connection with a need so great you may crush it. They can’t be your savior. They can’t fix the hole in your heart. Only God can.

You assume the fear will depart when you find them. But it won’t. You’ll have a new fear. Loss will take its place. Every hiccup and disagreement will get to you. Because you’re afraid of losing them.

Instead of allowing the bond to develop naturally. You’ll overcompensate and hold on tight. Until you’re suffocating them. The thought of losing them is too much to bear. And you’ll cling.

Nothing they say or do will suffice. No amount of reassurance will convince you. Fear tells you otherwise. Eventually the rubber band is stretched to its limit and snaps.

And you’re back where you started. Alone.

Note: The you is figurative.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

That post wasn't about just romantic relationships, but relationships in general, even friends. It can offset loneliness to some degree if you have good friends that want to spend time with you and include you in their life. The feeling that OP and I are sharing and is an awful feeling is feeling alone in a crowd. I'm somewhat okay with being alone completely by myself.
If I had to choose between being totally alone in the woods with nobody but God and nature around me, and being in a packed church but nobody will so much as talk to me, I'd choose being totally alone every single time.

 

[bèlla]

The feeling that OP and I are sharing and is an awful feeling is feeling alone in a crowd.

It seems like we're neglecting the real issue. Why are people feeling alone? Why haven't they've learned how to forge relationships with others? Why do they feel left out?

I get where you're coming from and appreciate the clarity. But it feels like the church is thrown under the bus when this comes up. And the person struggling gets a pass.

The problem with human interactions didn't begin at 20 or afterwards. It began at home. That where you learn how to relate. If its damaged or undeveloped you have to play catch up. Learning what you never knew. Experiencing what you didn't encounter. And discovering the difference between healthy and unhealthy alliances.

When a person encounters you they don't know your story. They don't know what you've been through. You're depending on them to make you feel included. Make you feel at home. They have no idea you feel that way. They're not mind readers.

With that in mind, what are you doing for others? Are you giving them what you lack or what they need in return? Sometimes it can sound one-sided or give the impression they're lackadaisical. No one's meeting my needs so why bother.

We need to start dealing with the root of the problem. The damage and brokenness that created the mess. Otherwise, you're patching it with people and it still remains.

That isn't a question for you. I'm just sharing a thought.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

It seems like we're neglecting the real issue. Why are people feeling alone? Why haven't they've learned how to forge relationships with others? Why do they feel left out?

I get where you're coming from and appreciate the clarity. But it feels like the church is thrown under the bus when this comes up. And the person struggling gets a pass.

The problem with human interactions didn't begin at 20 or afterwards. It began at home. That where you learn how to relate. If its damaged or undeveloped you have to play catch up. Learning what you never knew. Experiencing what you didn't encounter. And discovering the difference between healthy and unhealthy alliances.

When a person encounters you they don't know your story. They don't know what you've been through. You're depending on them to make you feel included. Make you feel at home. They have no idea you feel that way. They're not mind readers.

With that in mind, what are you doing for others? Are you giving them what you lack or what they need in return? Sometimes it can sound one-sided or give the impression they're lackadaisical. No one's meeting my needs so why bother.

We need to start dealing with the root of the problem. The damage and brokenness that created the mess. Otherwise, you're patching it with people and it still remains.

That isn't a question for you. I'm just sharing a thought.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

Put that attitude into my analogy "why can't the drowning guy just pull himself back onto the boat by himself, why do we have to throw them a lifeline?"
It's because the person alone is in a position of weakness. you're expecting them to invite themselves into the group when you haven't invited them to join you. That's often times seen as rude or presumptuous. You will come across people that if you try to strike up a conversation with them they say something like "This is an A and B convo, C your way out".
You can't really do things for other people if they won't let you be a part of your life in the first place.

 

[bèlla]

Put that attitude into my analogy "why can't the drowning guy just pull himself back onto the boat by himself, why do we have to throw them a lifeline?"

They don't know you're drowning. Do you look despondent and tear-stained? Probably not. You look like the typical attendee.

The goal is inclusion. You can go about it in two ways. You can sit on your hands and wait for someone to notice you. Or strike up a conversation with the people around you.

If you can't make small talk with members of your church without being rebuffed or treated rudely. You should question why you're there. Maybe a different environment is best.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Jamdoc]

They don't know you're drowning. Do you look despondent and tear-stained? Probably not. You look like the typical attendee.

The goal is inclusion. You can go about it in two ways. You can sit on your hands and wait for someone to notice you. Or strike up a conversation with the people around you.

If you can't make small talk with members of your church without being rebuffed or treated rudely. You should question why you're there. Maybe a different environment is best.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

which is why my advice was earlier, to seek out the people who are alone because they probably are drowning. People don't go to social situations or church and sit by themselves because they don't want to be around other people, they'd stay home if that was the case. It is highly likely that they had nobody to come with, but would love to feel welcomed and involved, but may be shy, fear rejection, or see it as rude to just jump in like they're already part of the family. As a part of a congregation who is a regular, who goes there with friends and family, you're in a position of strength in comparison, so it is a lot easier to reach out a hand and pull them in, than for them to pull themselves in.
What you've essentially told me is that if the boat I'm trying to climb into is too high up to climb in, I should swim to another boat and try to climb in myself again. But the scenario is still a man overboard drowning being expected to get themselves onto the boat.

Let's put this into perspective.
We were all drowning in our sins and not a single one of us can climb out of it ourselves
Jesus has to reach out His hand and we take hold of it and He pulls us out.
Every other religion expects you to swim to shore to save yourself through your own power.
Only Christianity has someone who throws you a lifeline to save you.

 

[bèlla]

which is why my advice was earlier, to seek out the people who are alone because they probably are drowning.

You’re making a huge assumption. Do you jump to the same conclusion in other environments or only in church? When I see someone walking by themselves or enjoying a coffee without company I don’t assume anything. Nor do I make that leap in religious settings. That’s reading too much into things and it’s not my bend.

People don't go to social situations or church and sit by themselves because they don't want to be around other people, they'd stay home if that was the case.

People do a lot of things on their own. They go to eat, entertainment, events, etc. But they don’t wait for others to approach them. If they want to make small talk they do.

What you've essentially told me is that if the boat I'm trying to climb into is too high up to climb in, I should swim to another boat and try to climb in myself again. But the scenario is still a man overboard drowning being expected to get themselves onto the boat.

I presented two solutions. The choice is yours. If you expect others to make the first move you must accept the consequences of that decision. In some instances they will and others they won’t. You can’t get upset. You made the decision with your eyes open. Pointing fingers when things don’t go your way doesn’t change the truth. You chose.

It would be one thing to reach out and be continually rebuffed. You’ve done your part and made an effort. And another to remain motionless. If you depend on them the possibility of disappointment can’t be ignored. It goes with the territory.

Playing it safe has a price. That’s the real reason you hold back. You don’t wanna stick your neck out. You wait for the other person to make the move and lessen the risk. When they don’t you call foul.

Either way you slice it you’re not the bad guy. They are. If they fail to act you have a retort. If they don’t respond the way you hoped you have a different reply. They’ve become the scapegoat and the one you blame.

Acceptance is the only way you won’t complain. That’s like having a gun to your head.

Yours in His Service,

~bella