Living in Limbo

[Adventure]

We've been married 16 years and have 2 kids - 12 and 6 years old. We are both Christians, attend church regularly, belong to small groups, etc.

About 3 years ago a therapist told me I am an emotional anorexic - I retreat from intimacy. This also affects our sex life. My wife had spent most of our marriage wondering what was wrong with HER. In the 3 years since we found out, I haven't changed a whole lot. According to the therapist, overcoming emotional anorexia is even harder than overcoming a sexual addiction.

Two months ago my wife told me she was through - she wants a divorce. She can't take it any more. She says I make a great roommate but a terrible husband. About the same time I found out that a customer of her's kissed her. She admits to being attracted to this married man but says she does not want to cause his marriage to fail. She also says that our problems are the real issue, not this isolated kiss.

She is sleeping in another room and either waiting for me to move out or trying to build her business to the point where she can support herself and the kids.

Most of all mt heart aches for our children. If this turns into a divorce they are going to be devastated. And then there are the long-term effects on them. Why would she want to put them through that kind of pain?

I guess I'm looking for prayers, encouragement and suggestions.

 

[c1ners]

I don't understand what an emotional aneroxic is. Can you explain it me please?
Maybe if you and your family went for counseling for this disease it might help.
I'll be praying for you.

 

[Adventure]

Here's one description:


avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked

shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed

is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations

is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others

is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

 

[c1ners]

I don't know what to tell you sweetie, except that I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Stay strong, and ask God to take this illness away from you. Anything is possible through him.

 

[nowhereville]

Psychiatric labels are great aren't they? <insert saracasm> - I'd give you the list of mine, but they don't apply anymore.

I've had secular AND christian counselors tell me that I shouldn't hope to be normal - really - I've just been through too much.

Really?

Show me in the bible where jesus walked up on someone and said, "Well dag, you are just too broken for me to fix" - cuz I don't remember reading that ANYWHERE.

In short, I've been healed/delivered from drugs and alcohol addiction, sex addiction, anorexia, OCD, DID and more....

Do NOT allow anyone to put you in a box because god can rip the lid off that box anytime he chooses and/or wills.

Sure - you have work ahead of you and God will be with you every step of the way......

 

[Adventure]

Thank you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Tell the man's wife to tell her husband to keep his lips off your wife or you'll get physcial.

Tell your wife you love her as well as you know how to, so if she still wants to leave you'd rather she get it over with so you can start looking for a roomate to share expenses with. Tell her you respect yourself too much to put up with anymore of her passive aggressive hostility. Then walk out and leave for a few hours, see a movie. When you come back go with the flow of whatever God has in store for you.

 

[Adventure]

We have an appointment with a pastor at church tomorrow. I'm not sure why she agreed to it. I believe she had an appoinment with an attorney yesterday.

 

[Asherz]

 

[nowhereville]

In all things - every though, every decision announce to yoruself that you can do all things in Christ who gives you strength. God is against divorce so you know he is for your marriage.

This is your giant.

Read the story of David and Goliath.

After we come to know God, the enemy can only have what we GIVE him in a manner of speaking.

I know you can do all things and I'll be looking for the good word!

 

[invisiblebabe]

Your wife should know that the only way to overcome emotional anorexia is through social support and genuine love.

I will pray that she, along with others God sends in your life, will be able to provide that for you, so you are able to enjoy intimacy eventually.

 

[novi12]

Adventure pray for ur wife and forgive her. Repent and thigns will work out between u'll Lord show adventure's wife how much he loves her and restore their marriage life. Don't seperate them lord.

 

[Adventure]

Quick update: I'm still in our home. Our conversations are mostly amicable. She won't stop the divorce process but she says that every day is a chance for me to show that I am capable of changing. I received divorce papers in the mail yesterday. This is so hard.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Quick update: I'm still in our home. Our conversations are mostly amicable. She won't stop the divorce process but she says that every day is a chance for me to show that I am capable of changing. I received divorce papers in the mail yesterday. This is so hard.

For some reason I find it funny that your wife chooses to sleep in another room and kiss another guy while you are supposedly the one with the intimacy problem.

I think you're going to get divorced calmly and rationally just like your wife wants unless you read and follow what I previously suggested. You have to shake things up or else you'll probably lose everything.

Has it ever occurred to you your wife might want you to get a bit upset/emotional with her for dissing you? If you won't stand up to her when she goes off and disrespects you what kind of man is she to think you will be if a man tries to harm her? I'm not saying you should beat her, but please at least show a bit of righteous indignation.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Adventure’s quote:
“About 3 years ago a therapist told me I am an emotional anorexic - I retreat from intimacy. This also affects our sex life. My wife had spent most of our marriage wondering what was wrong with HER. In the 3 years since we found out, I haven't changed a whole lot. According to the therapist, overcoming emotional anorexia is even harder than overcoming a sexual addiction.”


Sdmsanjose’s
What are you DOING to improve your condition?
You have a part in saving this marriage too.

You can debate if she is wrong, you are wrong, or both of you are wrong but without taking action your marriage will crumble.

Get your butt in gear!!!


PS I am a man

 

[Adventure]

Adventure’s quote:
“About 3 years ago a therapist told me I am an emotional anorexic - I retreat from intimacy. This also affects our sex life. My wife had spent most of our marriage wondering what was wrong with HER. In the 3 years since we found out, I haven't changed a whole lot. According to the therapist, overcoming emotional anorexia is even harder than overcoming a sexual addiction.”


Sdmsanjose’s
What are you DOING to improve your condition?
You have a part in saving this marriage too.

You can debate if she is wrong, you are wrong, or both of you are wrong but without taking action your marriage will crumble.

Get your butt in gear!!!


PS I am a man

I am seeing a new Christian therapist. He says he can help me become the person I want to be. He is taking the focus off of what has happened in the past. I am what I am - but if I want to change I have to start thinking about who and what I want to be and making changes in my life to get there.

However, this process may take longer than my wife is willing to wait OR she may not be capable of loving me ever. I need to change for ME.

I feel like I'm getting over the initial shock (and denial) of divorce and the idea of being on my own without pressure from her to be something different sounds appealing. Is that Satan talking?

 

[sdmsanjose]

Congratulations on getting your butt in gear!

Adventure’s quote

- “but if I want to change I have to start thinking about who and what I want to be and making changes in my life to get there.”

Sdmsanjose’s response:
That sounds GREAT! I counted four pronouns in that statement and I think you are on the right track.
The only one you have control over is you so don’t lose time trying to control anybody else. You have identified your problem and have taken initial steps to improve.

When I was somewhat in your position years ago, one of the best things I did is to work on changing ME for the better.
One of the first scriptures I remembered was “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention no attention to the plank in your own eye” (Matthew 7:3)

Adventure’s quote

“I feel like I'm getting over the initial shock (and denial) of divorce and the idea of being on my own without pressure from her to be something different sounds appealing. Is that Satan talking? ”


Sdmsanjose’s response:
If you are following scriptural advice from your Christian Therapist and from your own reading of the Bible, it can’t be Satan talking.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Keep it up Adventure.

"Every change in the quality of a person's life must grow out of a change in his or her vision of reality." - Brennan Manning

 

[Autumnleaf]

I am seeing a new Christian therapist. He says he can help me become the person I want to be. He is taking the focus off of what has happened in the past. I am what I am - but if I want to change I have to start thinking about who and what I want to be and making changes in my life to get there.

However, this process may take longer than my wife is willing to wait OR she may not be capable of loving me ever. I need to change for ME.

I feel like I'm getting over the initial shock (and denial) of divorce and the idea of being on my own without pressure from her to be something different sounds appealing. Is that Satan talking?

If someone was in the process of stealing your car, would you blame yourself and decide right then and there to be a new man? Then run off and see a counselor for advice on how to change into something you're really not sure you want to change into?

Your wife threw down the gauntlet. Dealing with her effectively to save your marriage should be where your efforts lie, if saving your marriage is your goal. To decide to change yourself you are changing what has worked for you for 47 years. It sure won't be easy and it might be a really bad idea.

From my experience when a woman is upset its usually not too difficult to fix if you're willing to listen to what she wants you to do or stop doing, do that and see if it works, if it doesn't try something else. Looking at your list of self professed problems I'd suggest behaving the opposite of how the label says you will and see where that gets you as well as how it feels. Your wife has been with you a long time. Its likely as not her leaving is for, real, reasons she's unwilling to share with you so she comes up with something to throw in your face to distract you. You were okay for so long but now you're no good for her? I don't buy it.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Autumnleaf’s quote
“To decide to change yourself you are changing what has worked for you for 47 years. It sure won't be easy and it might be a really bad idea.”



Sdmsanjose’s response:
Adventure said that “I retreat from intimacy” and explained his condition of emotional anorexic (see below)

Autumnleaf, read again what Adventure has said below. Retreating from intimacy and the condition of emotional anorexic IS NOT WORKING for his marriage. Are you suggesting that Adventure not try to change himself and that to do so would be a bad idea? I am wondering if I am reading your post correctly.


Adventure’s quote:
“About 3 years ago a therapist told me I am an emotional anorexic - I retreat from intimacy. This also affects our sex life. My wife had spent most of our marriage wondering what was wrong with HER. In the 3 years since we found out, I haven't changed a whole lot. According to the therapist, overcoming emotional anorexia is even harder than overcoming a sexual addiction.”

“Two months ago my wife told me she was through - she wants a divorce. She can't take it any more. She says I make a great roommate but a terrible husband.”

Adventure explains his condition of emotional anorexic:
avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing




sdmsanjose to Adventure
Adventure, don’t let anyone talk you out of improving the negative conditions that you have already admitted to. You can only change yourself you cannot change anyone else.