- Jul 21, 2021
- 50
- 51
- 53
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Lutheran
- Marital Status
- Married
I know this is something I should have grasped by now. I love Jesus. I’ve been a Christian and Lutheran my whole life. I always will be. I have read about this topic before and have gone my whole life without it bothering me - but I’m struggling lately and really need help.
Every morning (for years) I faithfully do my devotions (I use Portals of Prayer and a few other random ones mixed in), daily Psalms, and prayers and Bible reading. I also work through different Bible studies daily (all of these are from Concordia so I know they are Lutheran-approved lol). I adore my church. Weekly Communion is what keeps me going.
Included in my daily prayers is the one that says: “Most merciful God, I confess that I am in bondage to sin and cannot free myself…” - it's starting to bug me and I feel guilty that it does bug me.
And then, in the Portals of Prayer I read constant reminders of what an awful sinner I am, so unworthy and on and on, ad nauseum it seems. Not just that of course, but in everything I come across in my Bible reading, devotionals, studies.
For the first time in my life, these past few weeks I’ve felt a growing resentfulness about it all, and today I'm mortified to admit that it has turned into actual anger. I remember eons ago reading about all this and some answers made sense, but I forget them all now. I’m sick of it all and so tired of feeling guilty all the time (and I mean that literally: tired. exhausted). Yes I’m told I "shouldn’t" feel guilty but then the constant reminders (devotions, Bible reading) of how I’m a filthy sinner - well why wouldn’t I feel guilty all the time?
This has been by far one of the worst years of my life. I'm 51 and have seen my fair share of pain, tragedy, tremendous heartache and so on - so that's saying something. I’m nearly broken physically, mentally and emotionally from this year.
I'd like to be clear though: I’m not “mad” at God at all for this suffering - I do believe strongly in the promise of Romans 8:28.
OTOH, I’ve hit this wall...
The entire message of the Bible points to the cross, where Jesus died for all of my (our) sins - past present and future. He even said “It is finished.” So what gives here? If it's finished why do I have to basically grovel every day?
Why do I have to work it all out with “fear and trembling” and constantly have it rubbed in my face (in my devotions, in my Bible reading) how I’m a disgusting sinner, undeserving of mercy and must every day confess, repent, rinse and repeat.
I’m mentally and emotionally completely wrung out with this. I feel spiritually ground down into dust and I need the love and comforting part, not the “I’m a disgusting sinner” part. I’m hurting.
I desperately want someone to explain it to me in a way I can wrap my mind around.
Yes, I know this topic is old, cliché, even eye-rolling - and I've gone years and years without a second thought about it. But for whatever reason, I’m really stuck right now and need a refresher as I don’t much feel like getting on my knees and begging for forgiveness for wrestling with and questioning it right now. I feel guilty about it and then I'm ticked off that I feel guilty. Rinse and repeat. I’m bone tired, body, mind and soul.
(FWIW, I’m not struggling with my faith in general. I’m struggling with this specific issue though, and struggling HARD.)
Thank you in advance to anyone willing to try to address this for me.
Every morning (for years) I faithfully do my devotions (I use Portals of Prayer and a few other random ones mixed in), daily Psalms, and prayers and Bible reading. I also work through different Bible studies daily (all of these are from Concordia so I know they are Lutheran-approved lol). I adore my church. Weekly Communion is what keeps me going.
Included in my daily prayers is the one that says: “Most merciful God, I confess that I am in bondage to sin and cannot free myself…” - it's starting to bug me and I feel guilty that it does bug me.
And then, in the Portals of Prayer I read constant reminders of what an awful sinner I am, so unworthy and on and on, ad nauseum it seems. Not just that of course, but in everything I come across in my Bible reading, devotionals, studies.
For the first time in my life, these past few weeks I’ve felt a growing resentfulness about it all, and today I'm mortified to admit that it has turned into actual anger. I remember eons ago reading about all this and some answers made sense, but I forget them all now. I’m sick of it all and so tired of feeling guilty all the time (and I mean that literally: tired. exhausted). Yes I’m told I "shouldn’t" feel guilty but then the constant reminders (devotions, Bible reading) of how I’m a filthy sinner - well why wouldn’t I feel guilty all the time?
This has been by far one of the worst years of my life. I'm 51 and have seen my fair share of pain, tragedy, tremendous heartache and so on - so that's saying something. I’m nearly broken physically, mentally and emotionally from this year.
I'd like to be clear though: I’m not “mad” at God at all for this suffering - I do believe strongly in the promise of Romans 8:28.
OTOH, I’ve hit this wall...
The entire message of the Bible points to the cross, where Jesus died for all of my (our) sins - past present and future. He even said “It is finished.” So what gives here? If it's finished why do I have to basically grovel every day?
Why do I have to work it all out with “fear and trembling” and constantly have it rubbed in my face (in my devotions, in my Bible reading) how I’m a disgusting sinner, undeserving of mercy and must every day confess, repent, rinse and repeat.
I’m mentally and emotionally completely wrung out with this. I feel spiritually ground down into dust and I need the love and comforting part, not the “I’m a disgusting sinner” part. I’m hurting.
I desperately want someone to explain it to me in a way I can wrap my mind around.
Yes, I know this topic is old, cliché, even eye-rolling - and I've gone years and years without a second thought about it. But for whatever reason, I’m really stuck right now and need a refresher as I don’t much feel like getting on my knees and begging for forgiveness for wrestling with and questioning it right now. I feel guilty about it and then I'm ticked off that I feel guilty. Rinse and repeat. I’m bone tired, body, mind and soul.
(FWIW, I’m not struggling with my faith in general. I’m struggling with this specific issue though, and struggling HARD.)
Thank you in advance to anyone willing to try to address this for me.