Letters to abuser

[shazabella]

Hi All,

I stumbled across this site http://www.red-letters.com where you can write annoymous letters to your abusers aka post the letters that you will never want to send. Writing letters is a very positive way to release some of the anger / emotion that you have towards that person, don't be afraid to say what you want in this letter as only you will be reading it.

Hope this helps some people


- Shaz

 

[AnointedPoetess]

Hey shaz, thanks for letting me know!! i love writing, but this kind as always been hard for me but i'll look into it.

 

[Velcro]

Well, in 1984, I went to see a Christian counselor. He told me that I needed to take responsibility for my part in the abuse. Now, this really confused me, but i was gullible and listened to him. His prescription was that I was to write a letter to my parents, apologizing for what I did that caused them to respond as they had. The assignment included that i was not to say that they had either abused me or treated me harshly -- just apologize for what I had done.

It felt wrong. So wrong! But I did it.

What happened as a result was years and years of written abuse, accusations, and nasty letters not only to me but also to others about me. Initially, I did not respond, but the harassment was unending, as they taunted me to be specific and write what had happened. After about three years of this, I finally decided to sit down and enumerate the abuses. I stopped at fifty and sent the letter. They went completely nuts!

They wrote letters to the church they had reared me in, that I still belonged to, and berated me to the leadership, suggesting that they should kick me out for being a liar. They showed anyone who would read it the letter I had written enumerating the abuse, then they would tell them what a liar I was and how I had "false memories."

So I realized that these people were just not well enough for me to have any communication with them. I quit writing or taking calls. Since Father could not reach me by letter, he then began to disguise himself and write letters to the church newsletter I edited. When I told the pastor it was him, he gave me permission to respond appropriately, telling him that I knew it was him and to stop writing or be honest about his identity.

I will stop there. Both Mother and Father are gone now, and I still have most of the letters, some still unread. I also have most of the letters I sent them.

I should have written to a site like that you suggest instead of to them.

 

[mesue]

I am so sorry you recieved such advise in the first place. The victim is never at fault. That's like saying I deserved "it" when I was 4 years old and my brother raped me. Utter nonsense!

I think a site like this would be helpful in getting things out. I think that starts the healing process.

 

[Velcro]

You are right. Neither of us asked for it.

 

[Silent Ears]

Hi All,

I stumbled across this site http://www.red-letters.com where you can write annoymous letters to your abusers aka post the letters that you will never want to send. Writing letters is a very positive way to release some of the anger / emotion that you have towards that person, don't be afraid to say what you want in this letter as only you will be reading it.

Hope this helps some people


- Shaz

Not think ready for that but will bookmark site for future when able to... Thanks....

 

[pentecostalgirl0414]

Hi All,

I stumbled across this site http://www.red-letters.com where you can write annoymous letters to your abusers aka post the letters that you will never want to send. Writing letters is a very positive way to release some of the anger / emotion that you have towards that person, don't be afraid to say what you want in this letter as only you will be reading it.

Hope this helps some people


- Shaz

I will look into this. I don't think I am strong enough now, but thanks for the link!

 

[beetlequeendiva]

I wrote a letter to my abuser once and then burnt it - it really helped

 

[shazabella]

I wrote a letter to my abuser once and then burnt it - it really helped

Congratulations that is fantastic ! I'm glad it helped

- Shaz

 

[ZACTAK]

I wrote a letter to my abuser once and then burnt it - it really helped

that sounds like a good idea. What types of things do you write in the letter?

 

[Endearing lil Influenza]

I could not write a proper letter ... the problem is I felt sorry for my abusors... all those who have abused me in the past knew my weak spot... they made me feel sorry for them and then I will allow them to treat me the way they do because I felt sorry for them... I still feel sorry for their sufferings... but through therapy I am learning to protect myself from their behaviour... it is still hard

 

[shazabella]

that sounds like a good idea. What types of things do you write in the letter?

I think you write down what you really want them to know - be completely honest because its only going to be you and god who see the letter and write down exactly what you feel , what u've been going thru and anything u want them to know whether it be how much you hate them ( ok hate is a bad word but hopefully u get what I mean)

I wrote 2 letters, one was a cleansing letter telling my perp exactly what i thought of him and the other was a letter letting go of what happened and the hardest part was forgiving him for what happened. By forgiving him I am now able to work thru my issues with my t and its no longer about what he did to me aka hate the sin love the sinner ( ok not exactly love). It was definately an experience writing those letters

- Shaz

 

[shazabella]

My Letter - Letting Go



May Trigger - please be careful ...


Dear ****,



I have spent the past almost two years letting you rule my life even though we broke up over 18 months ago and its just not fair so I give up fighting this mental battle and I’m taking back control, what you did to me whilst its still traumatic it is in the past and the past it shall stay. I’m going to start living my life again and not worry about anything that reminds me of you. I cut all ties to the memories of you whether they are good or bad and I reclaim my life from you.



You may have stuffed up my life but you are not going to control it because I am so much stronger than that, I had to be after what you put me through but I survived without you and so I’m going to keep living my life without in it because you told me I was nothing without you well newsflash I am so much more than what you could ever hope or have dreamt for me.



I give up all resentment and ties that I have had with you, it’s your life now to stuff up I really don’t care you are no longer in my life and no longer my problem. You are God’s problem for your punishment to be put into fruition the day you stop breathing. I am no longer going to wish you dead because there is no point you don’t need anyone to do that you you’re doing it yourself. You are no longer my concern and to say I don’t care about what happens to you is an understatement. So go ahead and live your pathetic little life because I’m going to live mine with a purpose that God gave.



I want to thank you for showing me the one side of humanity that I never want to see again and giving me the experiences that shaped me as a person because without this strength I would be dead.



So that’s it I am letting you go feel no guilt towards me or anything towards me because I want you to forget me just like I’m forgetting you. You mean nothing to me anymore.



I pray that God might have mercy and bring you to heaven because you have confessed your sins and have accepted Christ into your life. This is a very hard thing for me to do but I’m doing it for you, you owe me nothing and I expected nothing from you.



Luke 6:27

Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst.



No matter what you did to me nothing can be as bad as spending forever in hell. Consider this your forgiveness that I am giving you for what you did to me. I forgive you and I’m praying for your salvation



Shaz - 18/4/05

 

[Endearing lil Influenza]

 

[Ssarl]

Thank you for your honesty. Just this week God has convicted me to start opening my old wounds so that He might heal them.

I still find it so strange to actually say it: I was abused. Pretty much for the first 18 years of my life, until I moved out a year ago. I actually think *myself* that I'm somehow lying or misremembering it. My mother is an amazing manipulator - her denials were so twisted and convincing that they still convince me to this day. It *was* all my fault for being such a horrible kid.

I had a complete psychiatric breakdown last year. Developed schizophrenia, and a bunch of other lovely elements - bits of obsessive compulsive, bipolar, anxiety and of course depression. We studied mood disorders this week, and I've had everything on the list. Amazingly, God has healed me of all of this... my mind is now working. But still, I'm afraid.

It's the feeling that I can't shake that really scare me. That I'm worthless and pathetic and filthy and I *deserve* nothing other than the most horrible abuse conceivable (and believe me, I've a talent for conceiving it). It's the way it distracts me in everyday life, and the littlest things become the most massive struggles; how I can't get my mind off it and focus on study, or church, or even just housework. Feeling like I'm not quite there, or I've lost my mind.

Usually, it wasn't physical. Every so often something would trigger an 'episode', and *anything*, including death threats, could happen. But mostly, it was just continual emotional hammering. Overt criticism of every conceivable fault, and utterly ignoring anything good (I once topped two classes, and was told my report card was 'disgusting'). Screaming matches triggered by absolutely *nothing* (the most ludicrous one I can remember was asking for a blank videotape). There would be a fight about *something* absolutely every night by the end of it. I still couldn't care less if I do *brilliantly* at something, and I just don't have any motivation to try any more, since I know suceeding won't make anybody care, and failure will make things horrible. I have a strong gifting in Genetics, for one, I can score distinctions without even trying. I'd honestly be surprised if I passed the exam I did this morning, however, because I just didn't turn up to anything, couldn't see the point. Likewise, I haven't played music or written anything for *years*, I just figure anything I produce is junk anyway, I'm more likely to have a panic attack than actually enjoy it.

Controlling me... I never felt like I had a choice in anything, like my opinion ever mattered. I still find it very hard to express an opinion... I feel like I'm not allowed and nobody cares. People are really surprised by the way I never get angry about *anything* - I just don't see it as wrong when other people abuse or persecute me. Only if it's somebody else who's being hurt do I care.

I was always held back from doing things that would make me independent - like driving, or getting a job, or even learning to look after myself. I finally got out of there a year ago, but I still haven't the faintest idea how to feed myself... I just have no experience, and it can even be scary to try, because I can hear the criticism in my head. I used to get massive episodes from trying to catch the buses, because I just didn't understand how to do it (I've never lived in a city before) and I felt like the worst person in the world for being so stupid. I've always been horribly mocked for not being able to do these things, but even when I asked I was never actually taught them - they were only ever used as threats ('I can't stand you any more, I'm going to stop cooking for you, won't be long until you starve...').

I used to be told that I was doomed to fail any job or uni, because I was such a horrible student (actually I was the second-best in the school), because I never work hard (which was still said if they'd brought me to tears that night and I couldn't work, or during my stress breaks when I was doing a twelve-hour stint of work). So I have a huge complex about it. I've passed a subject while literally on the verge of death or at least long-term hospitalisation; I've written twelve thousand word papers perfectly within twelve hours. According to some, I'm a genius. According to me, I'm stupid, and I convince myself so thoroughly that I can have a panic attack just trying to go to class.

I've been triggering something shocking this week... it's scary, but I am glad of the conviction to open up about it.

I still feel really stupid for sharing this, like I'm just making a big deal about nothing, and that it won't make any sense to anybody... but I feel that I've got to do it.

Thanks.

Your brother in Christ,
Andrew

 

[shazabella]

Hey Andrew,

Sending hugs your way and if you want to talk just pm me

- Shaz

 

[Godsgirl481]

I wouldn't be able to do this right now...would be too triggering for me...but maybe eventually. It is a good idea

 

[Velcro]

Oh, Andrew! Are you my little brother? She did that to you, too? I am so sorry.

Thank you for your honesty. Just this week God has convicted me to start opening my old wounds so that He might heal them.
You have begun a journey that will be so healing, but it is not always going to be easy. You will have very hard times, but these will end with good, positive, revealing moments when you will be on top of the world. There will be ups and downs, but in the down times, remember that they are there for a good reason, and they are followed by revealing, serendipitous moments.

I still find it so strange to actually say it: I was abused. Pretty much for the first 18 years of my life, until I moved out a year ago. I actually think *myself* that I'm somehow lying or misremembering it.
This is what they want us to think, but we know the truth. What I did was sit down, during one of my lucid moments, and write down specific proofs that she did abuse me. Then, when you wonder if your thoughts are false, read the list.

My mother is an amazing manipulator - her denials were so twisted and convincing that they still convince me to this day. It *was* all my fault for being such a horrible kid. That manipulation thing: I had to work for years to learn not to emulate her; you may have to, also. And looking back through who I am today, I know I was not a bad child: if she had only tried a little bit, I would have bent over backwards, trying to please her. I'll bet you would have, too.

Amazingly, God has healed me of all of this... my mind is now working. Praise G-d!

It's the feeling that I can't shake that really scare me. That I'm worthless and pathetic and filthy and I *deserve* nothing other than the most horrible abuse conceivable. These are lies that are being repeated by the enemy of your soul. Don't hear him. It's the way it distracts me in everyday life, and the littlest things become the most massive struggles; how I can't get my mind off it and focus on study, or church, or even just housework. Feeling like I'm not quite there, or I've lost my mind. The distraction and inability to function is often depression. Reading through this note, you seem really "together" for the trauma you are dealing with and for one just now admitting it.

Usually, it wasn't physical. Every so often something would trigger an 'episode', and *anything*, including death threats, could happen. But mostly, it was just continual emotional hammering. Overt criticism of every conceivable fault, and utterly ignoring anything good (I once topped two classes, and was told my report card was 'disgusting'). Screaming matches triggered by absolutely *nothing* (the most ludicrous one I can remember was asking for a blank videotape). There would be a fight about *something* absolutely every night by the end of it. I still couldn't care less if I do *brilliantly* at something, and I just don't have any motivation to try any more, since I know suceeding won't make anybody care, and failure will make things horrible. This is worse than the physical abuse, because it is like trying to clean up spilled warm Jell-o from the floor with your hands -- it slips through your fingers. This kind of abuse is hardest to face because it is hardest to name firmly, unlike "She threw heavy books at my head," which is easily visualized; it often defies definition or description. But work with it, and you will eventually be able to control it with words. Likewise, I haven't played music or written anything for *years*, I just figure anything I produce is junk anyway, I'm more likely to have a panic attack than actually enjoy it. That's all right. Instead of trying, then, write your words; write what you are going through now. This does not need to pass a test for beauty or art; it is for you, for your feelings. Start a daily journal in which you write what you are feeling, good or bad. Journaling is very healing. Eventually, you may add poetry, and this could get the creativeness going, leading you toward your music.

Most of all, I suggest that sometime, everyday, you write down something you are thankful for in a very special spot on the pages you use each day. I don't care if you are thankful it didn't rain that day, thankful the fieldmouse is outside instead of in your house, thankful your dishes are done -- just be thankful sometime every day, and in your gratefulness, thank G-d specifically for the item/incident. Thankfulness is a great healer that will compile with each episode, building up, increasing healing. It truly is those who never experience gratefulness who do not heal: they never heal, and it is a choice they make.

Controlling me... I never felt like I had a choice in anything, like my opinion ever mattered. I still find it very hard to express an opinion... I feel like I'm not allowed and nobody cares. People are really surprised by the way I never get angry about *anything* - I just don't see it as wrong when other people abuse or persecute me. Only if it's somebody else who's being hurt do I care.
Mother did this to me, too. But the fact is that you are a cmart guy, and you will pick up on this stuff faster than you realize. Become a people-watcher. Watch the ones who appear healthy, "with it," then emmulate them. Soon, you will choose your own ways, and they will become "natural" to you -- second nature.

I used to be told that I was doomed to fail any job or uni, because I was such a horrible . . . . Yeah, she did that to me, too, but she was wrong. But then she was wrong about a lot of things. In fact, you have already proven her wrong. You are very young, yet you have succeeded in school, you have talent and natural abilities. You can and will excel!

Bless you, Andrew! May our G-d bless you beyond measure! No, we were reared by different parents, but they were one in spirit and I am almost old enough to be your grandmother. in fact, my first grandson now has his driver's permit. But I do understand, to a point, what you have been through.

 

[Ssarl]

Thank you for your support and kind words, Velcro. It means a lot that somebody understands the impact, so few do.

It is still hard to put it into words, but I have talked with a good friend of mine and come to some realisations about this. Cheifly, that I've never learned how to receive things; my whole life is about giving. Anything my parents ever gave me came with an agenda - a demand that I must appreciate it, or do well at it, or the like... and as soon as there was some excuse, I would be told that I didn't deserve it and they don't know why they are so good to me. I told them that they should simply stop giving me things, and meant it. Now, I just avoid wanting anything, supress my desires, never ask for a thing. Yet I am constantly being praised because people are amazed at just how much of my time and money I give away on a daily basis. I raised a *lot* of money doing mine work over the summer. I haven't spent a *cent* of it on myself; I've pledged about a third of it to ministry in Uganda, I've sponsored a couple of my friends at ministry camps and have offered more, and I didn't even hesitate to offer it to my parents when my sister crashed her car and placed an unexpected strain on the budget. (It worked out fine; she's not injured and Mum's credit is just enough to cover it).

Last night my friend told me I'm the most selfless person he's ever known, and that the world would be a poorer place without me. It's... cool. Freaky, but cool. And he says it's just not fair the way I don't allow myself to have anything, because I am worth it as much as anybody else is. Thing is, I *like* being selfless. It's all I've ever known, it works for me. Why everybody else, even God, cares about me and wants me to care about myself, I find difficult to understand.

The realisation that God isn't like my parents is one that's really blowing my mind. For the longest time I didn't actually think that He loved me, I just wanted to be his servant and was quite prepared to do that. I didn't want blessings on Earth or even Heaven, I just want to give unto Him and to His children. Realising that I *am* one of them has been so strange, but it's so wonderful. That He actually wants to love me and bless me.

I thought it was really messed up, but my friend instead tells me that it's amazing - that I love God that much that I'd be prepared to stick by Him thinking He saw me like that, and never expecting anything in return. I was talking to God the other morning and thinking about how much it must hurt him when His children suffer (He's been convicting me to realise this also applies to me, though I'm not quite there yet). Half-awake, my first thought was 'I wish I could help you, wrap my arms around you and comfort you and ease the pain'. The response I got blew me away: 'You have no idea how much that means! How often do you think I hear that? You are so humble as to care about the suffering of your Lord while your own life is in the balance.' He called me 'a man after my own heart'. My heart's desire is to be like Jesus - it's just not a cliche, I genuinely want to give up *everything* for everybody else. I want to take on the burden of blame from my parents, I want to take everybody else's suffering and help them. What He's making me realise is that He already took that burden - it's not mine to have, and He wants me to be free of it.

You're not the only one to say that I'm stable. I always thought I was weak, but people are inevitably surprised at just how thorough the abuse was and just how many mood disorders I've kept to myself. God has made me strong, that's for sure, I can endure anything... but He's calling me to endure no longer, to let it go and be free.

I'm actually taking a psycology course right now, and it really helps to provide an alternative insight - having a name for the problems I face, understanding the way things should work, realising that it's not something I brought on myself... it's good. I'm an expert people-watcher already.

May I ask one question: it's just something I've noticed that I don't understand the background to. Why do you type G-d instead of God in your posts?

So, yeah. That's my feelings today. *spaces out, and heads off for dinner*

 

[Velcro]

Thank you for your support and kind words, Velcro. It means a lot that somebody understands the impact, so few do. It is amazing to me how alike our mothers were. I have met others like them, too.

Cheifly, that I've never learned how to receive things; my whole life is about giving. Anything my parents ever gave me came with an agenda . . . . Indeed. I still deal some with ownership issues, but not as much as I once did. Mother gave away my clothes upon her whim, sold my bikes and kept the money, and even burned my dolls. I had triplets of a very special type of doll -- little black dolls, because I was too young to understand that I could not grow up to be black. I came home from playing with friends and found her dropping them into a flaming burning barrel. I screamed and tried to save them, but she hit me and made me go to my room. Nothing I had was mine, and the food I was allowed, like yours, was a gift with penalties. I still have food issues, too, but they are diminishing. Praise G-d! PRAISE G-D!!!

The realisation that God isn't like my parents is one that's really blowing my mind. For the longest time I didn't actually think that He loved me . . . That He actually wants to love me and bless me. This one is hard for childhood abused survivors to grasp. I hated Him, turning to Him at the age of 14 only because I wanted a life-change, then turning to Him again at 22 because I realized He loved me! That He loved me was the shock of my life!

I was talking to God the other morning and thinking about how much it must hurt him when His children suffer (He's been convicting me to realise this also applies to me, though I'm not quite there yet). . What He's making me realise is that He already took that burden - it's not mine to have, and He wants me to be free of it. Amein! Amein!

I'm actually taking a psycology course right now, and it really helps to provide an alternative insight - having a name for the problems I face, understanding the way things should work, realising that it's not something I brought on myself... it's good. I'm an expert people-watcher already. Since you are interested in psychology, please check out this site: http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/Symptoms_Causes_Research.htm. You may be amazed, if you do not already know about RAD.

May I ask one question: it's just something I've noticed that I don't understand the background to. Why do you type G-d instead of God in your posts? In my belief tradition, we do not write out any of the names of G-d with their vowels, out of respect and love for the Name. It is not that I think G-d is His Name, but that this tradition has filtered down from His Names to "G-d" and L-rd" as well. The Names, G-d, and L-rd are names/words that are given full respect among most of us and are never used as epithets.

Conversely, many of us refuse to give satan any recognition by writing its name with a capital "s" or recognition of a gender in reference to it. Just a little way of stomping on it.