Let's discuss "selfish."

[LoisGriffin]

Funny since I became a gym addict no one even bingos me anymore. Only getting too thin comments (which is rubbish).

I just don't see how there is time in the day for children. I work full time and exercise 1-2 hours a day.

Someone took their child into work the other day and the child started whining. The whining is like fingers down a chalkboard. It actually makes me angry (just like fingers down a chalkboard). My childfree co-worker understood what I meant but everyone else thought it was cute (how on earth they could think such a thing is totally beyond me). Stuff like that makes me know that children are not right for me. My nephew was having a tantrum and it was driving me mad so I just walked out the house. You cannot do that with your own children.

I do love my animals. They are very special and don't that the same demands children do.

 

[dorig59]

Can someone tell me what it means to be bingoed? Never heard of that term?

Also I've never understood why people say not having kids is selfish. Where did that one come from? Why is that selfish? That's illogical to me. We could say that people who don't have pets are selfish because shelters are overflowing with dogs & cats. Or how about people who have had their own kids are selfish because there are SO many unwanted kids in the world, you should adopt instead.

 

[snoochface]

Can someone tell me what it means to be bingoed? Never heard of that term?

It comes from the notion that there are so many different, but common, things that are said to child free people by parents that we could play a game of Bingo with all of them. In fact, there are many bingo games/cards available with all the phrases on them, and we have played the game here a few times in the early years of this forum.

If you do a Google search on "child free bingo" you'll find many of the cards. I'll link one here (beware, it uses the "b-word" [breeder] in it).

Happily Childfree

So basically, a bingo would be one of those common statements made to the child free.

You'll regret it when you're older.
You'll change your mind one day.
Who will take care of you in your old age?
What if your parents felt this way?

Etc.

Also I've never understood why people say not having kids is selfish. Where did that one come from? Why is that selfish? That's illogical to me. We could say that people who don't have pets are selfish because shelters are overflowing with dogs & cats. Or how about people who have had their own kids are selfish because there are SO many unwanted kids in the world, you should adopt instead.

My sister bingo'd me with the selfish one when I was a teenager. Her rationale was that having children means giving of yourself, sacrificing yourself for your kids, giving up things that are important to you for the betterment of another. So not wanting kids, and/or not being willing to give all that up, meant I was selfish. That's what her reasoning was - YMMV.

 

[Cynthia85]

Or how about people who have had their own kids are selfish because there are SO many unwanted kids in the world, you should adopt instead.

In the end, it's none of their business and I think that's the way I'm going to go about it from now on. "I'm sorry, but that's personal and not up for discussion."

Or take my old job for instance. All my coworkers knew I really don't like children, so they found it hilarious to always have me be the one assisting someone who came in with a young child. Of course, they'd always follow up with "see, kids aren't so bad, you're great with them, you'll change your mind someday.

I hate this. I have two nephews, I love them dearly, I'm good with them, but that doesn't mean I want my own. There's a difference between interacting with kids for a few weeks and raising your own.

 

[Cynthia85]

My sister bingo'd me with the selfish one when I was a teenager. Her rationale was that having children means giving of yourself, sacrificing yourself for your kids, giving up things that are important to you for the betterment of another. So not wanting kids, and/or not being willing to give all that up, meant I was selfish. That's what her reasoning was - YMMV.

Hmmm. This is interesting. Being married means giving up yourself, sacrificing yourself for your spouse, giving up things that are important to you for the betterment of another. Hey, I'm married! So that means I'm not selfish!

 

[dorig59]

Thanks for answering my question, Snooch. And Cynthia, you're right, it isn't anybody's business. I would have no problem telling people that myself.

 

[Audiomechanic]

I'm very greatful for this thread! I'm tired of feeling guilty that I am being "selfish" for not having/wanting kids.

Thanks!

 

[writerchick7]

I think I've been told that I'm selfish because I don't want kids. If I already know that I don't want kids, then how is that being selfish?

 

[Diane_Windsor]

I saw the most ridiculous comment in another thread. The poster thinks that the childless are selfish. Fine, whatever, his opinion.

1. Apparantly, the poster has never heard of infertility. It's not my fault that hubby and I don't have children Take that up with nature.
2. Do they really believe that a person such as Oprah Winfrey is selfish because she decided to focus on her career rather than to have children? Oprah has said many times on her show that she did not want children because she felt that she could not parent a child because of her schedule. It seems to me that is pretty selfless.
3. According to this poster only moms and dads spend thier money and time taking care of someone else. Guess he's never met the thousands of childless volunteers at the hospitals, soup kitchens, homeless shelters, etc.



I saved the best for last:

4. The childless are throwing away the future of the planet. Even though we have nuclear weapons that can destroy us all, 28+ supervolcanoes that can wipe out the entire planet, and we have at least 1 billion people on this planet. So when homo sapiens eventually become extinct it will be our fault. Where is the logic in this?

I told you that it was a ludicrous post didn't I?

My position is that it is none of my business to label what is "selfish" for other couples because I'm not in their shoes. If a couple wants to have children then that is their decision alone, and if another couple does not want children then that is their decision alone. If a couple is infertile then it is for that couple to decide on how to proceed. It's simply none of my business on how others choose to live their own lives. DH and I can only detremine what is or is not "selfish" in our life and marriage, and it doesn't concern others. Frankly speaking, we don't care what others think.

 

[Cynthia85]

I just don't understand why people think it's any of their business. And no matter how many times they're told that, they still just don't get it. Whether or not my husband and I have a child does not concern them, therefor their thoughts and opinions do not matter. And instead of offering their opinion about why we should have children or how we'll change our minds, they need to keep their mouths shut and learn a little thing called respect.

 

[dorig59]

I'll tell you why people do that. Its because it makes them feel oh-so-good about themselves to criticize someone else. They're actually being self-righteous, judgmental, & hypocritical. "Oh my, I would never do such a thing." That sort of thinking.

 

[FishermanDoug]

i think its selfish.but i dont think selfish people would understand. because the fact that they are so self centered.and selfish people will take offence to this post because they are centered around themselves instead of G-d. Fear is based on not trusting in G-d. How are you to know if you would be a good parent or not if you haven't even tried? Life is a neverending learning process,no one is perfect. consider this: J.O.Y. Jesus first.Others second.Yourself last.

Philippians 4:19 (King James Version)
19But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6 (King James Version)
6Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

Psalm 127:3 (King James Version)
3Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.

1 John 4:18 (King James Version)
18There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Deuteronomy 6:5 (King James Version)
5And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

Why are you censoring God in your post? Not meaning to be argumentative, but just was wondering..

 

[snoochface]

Why are you censoring God in your post? Not meaning to be argumentative, but just was wondering..

(Not her, but I'm guessing she won't be back in the thread to answer...)

Many Jewish people and Messianic Christians do not speak/write the name of God.

Why Don't You Spell Out G-d's Name? - G‑d and Us

 

[FishermanDoug]

Interesting.

 

[FishermanDoug]

Anyways, I just wanted to chime in.

As it has been stated...its no one's business, nor choice to make for you on whether or not you have children. Only God knows your heart, and your choice is between you and God.

God bless!

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Being someone whos disabled and can barley afford himself, I've heard my whole life from women that I am not really a christian and scum for not wanting kids. The word selfish is all that ever got thrown at me. >.<

My view the bible does not say marriage/sex is JUST for having kids. So when a woman claims I am selfish I tell her show me in the bible where it says I have to have kids. Upon which she usually just decide not to talk to me. Fact is women can be very selfish about this subject. I try to realize its because they also have internal clocks ticking away and it (for lack of better terms) makes them stir crazy. Like if they don't do it the world ends.

But that should not be an excuse to torture your husband over it. Now women will say "Isn't the man not wanting children selfish?". Well it depends on the situation. Some men will want kids, but once married change their minds. Are they wrong for changing their mind? Thats a tough one. Marriage = Two people coming together as one. Not two people coming together to have kids.

I've met woman who punish their husband by not having sex if he won't have kids with her. Which in itself is a sin since God says we are not to do that to our spouses. I've even met women who I truly feel like they love the idea of having kids more then the idea of loving their husbands. Which really makes me shake my head. Where is the submitting to your husband? Which I should note I am not saying whatever a man says is right. But he is the head of the house and if he doesn't want kids, then he his reasons... which hopefully are reasonable ones and not bad ones like "I just don't want kids!".

Now before I sound like a terrible person, men have their selfish issues to. Such as looking as porn because "We can't help it!". Thats a selfish excuse. SO both people need to realize they are on the same side and that marriage requires many things, and sometimes that thing is not being able to have children. In the end we must remember that what WE want may not be what God wants for us.

As for me? I love children and want them. But I am disabled and cannot afford them nor can my health deal with them. So for me its sort of a torture because I do want them but can't risk it right now. Luckily I found a fiance who understands and doesn't really want kids for now anyways.