Right, when I was saying I was single for my entire existence, I was referring to a lack of romantic relationships for said entire existence.
In America, "living independent" means that you have your own job, your own car, and at least an apartment to yourself alone as far as I know. Since I'm still a student living with my brother in a house that my parents own (though they don't live with us), I would not be considered living independent.
INTJ is a reference to the Myers-Briggs Personality test. I have found the test to be useful for explaining some of the psychological phenomenon I have experienced.
It's complicated.
What has happened to me - 3 times now - is that I have become romantically attracted to people I have no business being involved with, and 2 times it led to a mental breakdown. I have all of that mapped out in my head.
Because I am a heteroromantic asexual with no sexual attraction, the romantic attraction happens entirely independent of what someone looks like or how old they are. Most people want both romantic and sexual attraction to get married, and so if someone is romantically cool and not triggering the sexual attraction, it's not good enough for them and the person who has triggered the romantic attraction gets friend zoned, or the romantic attraction dissolves as the person looks for the One who turns all the attraction lights on.
What happened to me was, because I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship and didn't want one and had no sexual attraction, I would just sit there and enjoy the romantic attraction, not tell the other person, and not do anything about it. I didn't want a sexual relationship...so there was no need to end the attraction even through that person and me could obviously never get married. (Riiight.)
Eventually the Holy Spirit got through my thick skull that this was unhealthy and sinful behavior. What would happen was that God would place these relationships under pressure and I would emotionally defend the person I was attracted to which would make no sense to the rest of my friends around me and even to me. This would cause a rift between my emotions and my logical brain which would break me down. Now that seems ridiculous, but I was in three situations that I could not say "I romantically like that guy and that's why I'm defending him" without getting in trouble, or getting the guy in trouble, in one case. In two cases, the relationship was of questionable legality, and the third involved a guy who was an abuser who was being (appropriately) slaughtered by public opinion. I most certainly wasn't going to marry
him.
So I gave this a lot of thought. In addition to addressing the mental health basis of these attractions which could all be traced back to my abusive dad, I considered that it would be important to hang out with male human beings around my own age who were actually marriage candidates and attempt to cultivate at least some degree of friendships with them instead of denying my romantic self. That way, if I suffered a romantic attraction to one of them, it wouldn't be horrendously frightening - I would just admit "Hey man, I like you!" and move on without breaking down in terror. I consider that a matter of personal growth and self-awareness.
So in essence, I'm looking for a relationship without necessarily being aggressive about clenching the deal.
