Learning to juggle a new marriage with other stuff

[bluegreysky]

I am hurtling towards my big day…it’s approaching so fast.
But in the midst of all the planning, I stop to realize … I’m neglecting me a little bit?

Let me explain.
Up until a few months ago, I was doing a lot of volunteering. Mostly cooking.
Cooking for a homeless meal, serving it. Cooking for church functions. Cooking for my bible study. Well a lot of those opportunities dropped off anyway.
Also, from January till mid-March, I was attending a couple of studies of certain topics like how Jesus lived or David.
I was glad when they were over… no more spending 2 additional hours not at home getting things done after work.
But I still miss the activities that were bonding me with God and with Christians.
The reason I haven’t looked for more opportunities is because of this upcoming wedding.
I have kept my time freed up to take care of the details and get some final “me time” before he moves in and it is “us time” from here on out.

Well, lately when I go more than a month or two without doing something to help my personal relationship with God grow, I start to feel very discontent.
(note that my relationship with the almost-husband and God together the 3 of us is being tended to by several friends and premarital enrichments and whatnot)
I am happy to have a job and paycheck, but it’s a very boring job and frustrating at times and there’s no chance of advancement or change anytime soon.
(Almost-husband can’t get up to his maximum “provider’s potential” for another few years, and like many of my married friends, we both will have to work at least for now.)
Also because of the 9-5 grind, I can’t indulge in other activities that I want to,
Like yoga, gardening or learning to surf, until after work hours or on the weekend which kind of means “not much at all”.

Doing “me stuff” isn’t as fulfilling as volunteering though.
Right now, there’s not a lot of need for me out there in my area.
Summer time is when people all peace out and go travel and be with their families
And it’s too hot to do some things and so there’s not nearly as many golden opportunities
To volunteer at my church as there is during say… Christmastime.
I just have all this energy to burn and am happiest when I can use it for a greater good…

So I can start praying for God to show me somewhere I am needed that will be fulfilling,
Be it in a friendship or a local mission or at church,
But my question is

Is that a good idea right on top of a wedding and the first few months of this new, exciting but heavy responsibility chapter in my life?

 

[ValleyGal]

Right now things are busy and exciting in a new way, and it will all culminate on one day. After that, there will be a natural let-down...it has nothing to do with the quality of your life. It has everything to do with the natural low after a high. During that time, you might want to go and find something else to bring fulfillment because that is when you will need at least a little bit of something new or different to re-balance the natural low. For that reason, I'm inclined to suggest waiting till after you've been married for a little bit. Summer might not be good for doing much at the church, but it might be the perfect time to take up yoga - a gentle way to take care of your body, and maybe you can find an outdoor group. Imo, it will be a good time for you to take care of yourself - doing this will then prepare you for the fall start-up, when it appears your community will benefit from your philanthropy.

Only one question...do you need to be needed?

 

[bluegreysky]

yes and no.
I don't "need to be needed" in the codependent sense where I'd rescue a druggie homeless off the street and make him my boyfriend and pay his way while trying to "missionary date" him into becoming a good clean Christian....
but I don't feel fulfilled if I'm not being put to good use.
Whether that means my church needs me to do stuff, my friends ask for my help with a project, or a I take on one of my own.
The difference is (I think) "need to be needed" people just do anything and everything to fill the void, but I tell God this desire and He shows me to a situation where my helping will give me a purpose, even if it's just for a moment. It glorifies Him which is much more fulfilling than the "high" you get from taking on a project to fill a void and getting in over your head.

 

[Inkachu]

Life will go on after the wedding, much as it has before the wedding I would definitely use this time to step back, chill out, relax, and prepare yourself for the most important role of your life; becoming a wife. I think some of us think that getting married is just like, moving in with your fiance and having fun in your new home. It's so much more than that! It's the collision of two lives, two personalities, two sets of habits, two sets of opinions... and trying to mash them into one. You're going to need your energy, emotion, and time for all of that You'll be surprised how quickly time passes, and suddenly your first anniversary will be looming! Your hobbies and passions will still be there in the future, I promise. You mentioned Christmas... maybe make a decision that you'll get back into your "me" stuff around that time?

I can definitely relate to some of your frustrations. My job is also very slow, boring, and irksome most of the time. I also need to feel useful, creative, purposeful, and fulfilled, so I use my non-work time for that. I volunteer, I do theater, I garden. Just make sure that you aren't putting your "me" time ahead of your marriage, ever. Make sure your hubby-to-be knows that you're going to need to set aside some time and energy for your own hobbies. Some hubbies are very jealous of their wives' time and attention, so that definitely needs to be clear up front.

 

[peckaboo]

I think investing in "me-time", and particularly in "me-and-God-time" can be very beneficial for your marriage, especially if you've noticed yourself becoming cranky or discontent when you don't make time for those things. Trying to be "a good wife" when you aren't putting any effort into nurturing yourself is like trying to run a car on fumes. Eventually it breaks down (and that's when the plate-throwing starts! I kid. Mostly.)
Your husband will also want some time out for his own stuff - would it work to try and arrange schedules? If his basketball practise is always on a Wednesday night, maybe you could routinely schedule coffee with a girlfriend on Wednesday nights, or make Wednesdays your 'project night', or find a volunteering opportunity on Wednesdays.

 

[Odetta]

I think it depends on how much you do and what you do. One night a week at the soup kitchen? Maybe you take a few weeks off to settle in, and then you go back - hey, maybe he even joins you. Three nights a week? Maybe that's too much. Continuing with a bible study group, sure thing. But maybe that bible study is no longer the singles bible study, but one where you can find older, longer-married women who could be mentors to you - a Titus 2:3-5 thing.

As has been previously said, there is so much more to a start up of a marriage than just moving in together and figuring out who does which chore. You need to allow time to adjust to married life, and by time I mean time you and your new husband spend together. You need to make sure you have your priorities right, and that means your husband trumps the soup kitchen, but nothing trumps your personal relationship with God (by all means, keep your quiet time no matter what!).

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Lets face it, going from single to married means lots of adjustments. Especially when both people have never been married before. And even more so when christian. Iv'e tried to adjust my life as it is before my wife gets here. Gotten rid of all my "single" activities. And really don't miss them.

I know we will have an adjustment period once together for good. Even when we were together for a month at a time we came up with new plans such as when we go to church, when we read, when we do devotionals...etc because before then had our own schedules. When together we want to do ministries at church, maybe outreach. Were not 100% sure yet. But we want to do things together that include God and just not ourselves 100% of the time.

But yes as some have said, just focus on the wedding and here and now.

 

[LovelyWife3]

Congrats your dress looks beautiful and I hope that your wedding day was all that you hoped/prayed/dreamed about and more. I was also used to being very active in a variety of ministries and with missions and after being married I do have to admit that I miss being more involved and I am also struggling with feeling disconnected. Before getting married someone mentioned that being married is also a ministry which I really didn't understand at the time, but it makes more sense now. Marriage is a new season which will take some adjustment, as you have already learned, and God has been teaching me that as I serve my husband that I am also serving Him. I have been married 6 months and it has been keeping me pretty busy, but God has still opened doors for me to attend conferences and volunteer but not as much as before. I hope that you will be able to find a place/someone to still serve and bless. I feel like I am rambling so I will end it here ha ha.

Many Blessings On This New Chapter In Your Life,

LovelyWife3

 

[DianePerez]

I really like your ways that you have given for the juggle of new marriage with other stuff.
I must say that it will really works and your search is really good to juggle of new marriage.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Being married and together for over 3 months now, I can tell you at first you tend to forget about what you used to do. Almost as if you leave your old things behind you... at least at first. My wife and I spent every day together in all that we did. I didn't check my email or facebook at all for weeks on end. I forget devotions most of the time. It was her and me.

But over the months we have gotten back into the drift of some of the stuff we did before. We do devotions every day. She does her daily grind, I do mine. Not as much as we did when single of course, we still spend time together. Theres a reason newly weds are like kids at first. Its because they are enjoying the new thing they are involved in. It does fade over time, not that it gets boring or anything. Its just life reminds you life goes on and you still have things to do in life.

One example is I felt bad we were missing devotions, me helping people on here and so on. So I try to make time to get on here again and help people.