Kissing before you actually start to date? Advice!

[Elizabeth21]

I've been in 1 relationship which lasted a year and a half. A month into the relationship we started kissing and I just liked the pace we had.

Now I'm 19 and single. I've been completely happy with focusing on myself and God. I don't want to be a relationship right now unless I meet a guy who I really like. I have a lot of goals to reach but what ever God wants I'll accept.

Well I met this guy at my church a few months ago. We've talked but we really started talking/flirting for over a month now. And recently things got more flirty? Idk what happened but we flirted way more than usual and just kinda accepted we liked each other? We've been on 3 "dates"/hangouts. On the 3rd we cuddled a bit and kissed a tiny bit (cheek, brushing lips n teasing without actually kissing).

He's 2 years older and even tho I didn't mind what we did, I felt a tad weird cause I normally would save that for inside of a relationship. But I really do like him...but for some reason I have doubts. He's different than my ex. He's forward (yet respectful) and takes charge. He's not a virgin (which sucks) but I am and plan on staying one til I get married. I just want to know where his head is at cause I don't want to be some fling. I don't want to just be used for that. Idk what his plans are. Idk if we'll just be flirty friends until we're ready for a relationship or what. I asked if he felt like we rushed into things and he said no cause even tho we just admitted to liking each other, we've been friends for awhile. So when he dropped me off reallyy late at night, I gave him a kiss on the cheek lol.

So idk if he does that for fun or what cause he mentioned "if this turns into something" in a convo. How should I talk to him about this? He said he doesn't normally do this with girls either..Advice?

(p.s. Me and other guy broke up last year. This is someone different...)

 

[Inkachu]

Cuddling and being "kissy" with someone you aren't in a relationship with - BAD idea. He's forward, he's not a virgin, and he obviously thinks he can enjoy the privilege of your physical affection without even being your boyfriend. Umm, NO! This doesn't sound like it jives with your personality and values. Don't lower your standards!!

 

[DreyDay]

So idk if he does that for fun or what cause he mentioned "if this turns into something" in a convo. How should I talk to him about this? He said he doesn't normally do this with girls either..Advice?

Many guys and girls say things like "I haven't done this with anybody before" or "you're different from the other ones I've dated." This is how it is. Whether Christian or not, we're all sinners and you just have to understand the social dynamics occurring here. If you've been dating him for over a year that should be a good sign. Just make sure he hasn't cheated on you. Sounds like you have a good man so far. God does work in mysterious ways, and you two just might be two souls matched by heaven.

Nothing wrong with kissing before you start dating; it's not a sin if you don't believe it is: just like in scripture it says how if a man eats meat it may be a sin for somebody else but not for you (lol best analogy I can come up with). It's between you and your boyfriend. Many couples have sex before getting married and they're still happily married. Just remember: it's all up to you and your convictions. Are you a super strict Christian, like the Wheaton College brand where checking out a guy's hairstyle will earn you damnation lol, or are you more of a free-thinking type of Christian from Willow Creek Church?

Your life is what you make it.

 

[Inkachu]

If you're a Christian, it's really not "up to you and your convictions" or "between you and your boyfriend". A Christian is accountable to God and His laws as outlined in His Word. Elizabeth, do you think God is OK with you giving your body and your affection away so cheaply, to someone who isn't even committed to you? You don't need to answer me publicly, but that's what you need to think about. Does this relationship honor God in any way?

 

[Elizabeth21]

Thanks. How should I talk to him about this? To him I think kissing outside of being in a relationship is just having fun n stuff...to me it's not. I didn't fully kiss him on the lips but I'm gonna stop being so flirty then and try to word it to him right.

 

[ValleyGal]

If he tries to kiss you again, back off just a little and let him know that while you enjoyed the flirty stuff last time, you regret doing it with someone you're not in a committed relationship with. Let him know that getting into a relationship with you for the sake of flirty kissing is also not going to hold water...you'll be able to tell, and you want to protect your heart and affections for the man you hope to one day marry.

As a side-note, I had a date with someone. It was a blind date, too. Anyway, we had our dinner and afterwards, he was saying he never gets into a relationship with someone he doesn't have sex with first. I told him that I never have sex with someone I'm not in a committed and exclusive relationship with first. lol. We never had a second date. Stick to your guns! Live by your values, and don't let anyone assert their values over yours or take advantage of your affections.

 

[parsley]

You've been close for at least a month, you've gone out together, you've kissed and flirted, tested each others' grounds about it turning into something more... sounds like a relationship to me. You are probably considered an item by friends.

Either that, or he's gay or you're giving each other European kissy greetings.

I think you're in an ideal spot. You have a close friend who you know likes you. He is not pressuring you to get intimate. He does not sound jealous or overbearing, and is letting the relationship take time to grow before jumping into things abruptly.

Perhaps he doesn't know that you'd like a date -- that the formalities are important to you. There don't seem to be as many parents training their kids on formalities these days, and a lot of deep conversation goes on online.

And yes, do watch out for him two-timing. Some people who are flirty have a hard time stopping.

 

[BFine]

If you want to be serious when it comes to dating, then you have to have
the ground rules/and or boundaries in place BEFORE you even
go out with a guy.
That way you aren't kissing and cuddling with a guy that you
don't even know his core values, his character etc.

Self control is needed BEFORE you go out with a guy.
Your feelings can lead you astray-- so make a note about your "weaknesses"
and learn how to keep yourself within your own boundaries when you are
with a guy you "like" but don't actually know very well.
In short, guard your heart because you can't always rely on your date to do that
for you.

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks. How should I talk to him about this? To him I think kissing outside of being in a relationship is just having fun n stuff...to me it's not. I didn't fully kiss him on the lips but I'm gonna stop being so flirty then and try to word it to him right.

Exactly how you've said it here. This isn't comfortable for you, this isn't who you are. The cuddly-kissy stuff is "fun" but it's not kosher with your conscience, and you want to do what's right above and beyond what's fun or what feels good.

I've been both ways in different phases of my life. When I was young, I was insecure and hungry for male attention, so I would make out with any guy that showed me any attention. It was unhealthy, and sad, and so detrimental to my walk with God. Making physical affection "cheap" will never bring anything good into your life, little sister. Your heart, your love, your kisses; these things are precious and valuable! You need to treat yourself and your body and your affection as the treasures that they are. Treasure is something that is sought after, waited for, worked for, and cherished as something of value and rarity. That's YOU. Don't let any man ever make you or your body into something cheaper

 

[Elizabeth21]

Thanks so much!!! Idk where to go from here. I guess the next time we hangout I'll talk to him cause I want it to be in person. If he wants to pursue a relationship, then I guess we better slow down! If he wants a fling, I can't do that. If he wants to be friends, I'll be just that.

Idk if he did this with his past long relationships. I feel kinda bad now tho.

 

[Inkachu]

If he's doing it with you, he's done it with others.

 

[Armoured]

If you've been on more than 2 dates, and have been physically intimate (if only lightly) I'd say you're in a relationship, aren't you?

 

[Inkachu]

Not necessarily, Armoured. I made out with many, many guys as a teenager (NOT something I'm proud of), and NONE of them were "relationships". They were there, they were cute, we were both hormonal, and there you have it. Just because you go back a few times or "hang out" a few times and see them more than once, doesn't make it an official relationship at all. She doesn't really specify if their time together was a "date"or a "hangout" but that alone says to me that it was NOT dating. It was a guy being flirty with a girl that he has little to no intention of committing to, she's probably just a convenient, quick, cute female presence to have fun with.

 

[Armoured]

Not necessarily, Armoured. I made out with many, many guys as a teenager (NOT something I'm proud of), and NONE of them were "relationships". They were there, they were cute, we were both hormonal, and there you have it. Just because you go back a few times or "hang out" a few times and see them more than once, doesn't make it an official relationship at all. She doesn't really specify if their time together was a "date"or a "hangout" but that alone says to me that it was NOT dating. It was a guy being flirty with a girl that he has little to no intention of committing to, she's probably just a convenient, quick, cute female presence to have fun with.

Out of interest, how old are you? Because in my personal early dating experience, which was early '90s Canberra, the first serious kiss was usually the point you could be considered exclusively "going out" from. But I understand different places have different teenage dating customs.

 

[Inkachu]

Out of interest, how old are you? Because in my personal early dating experience, which was early '90s Canberra, the first serious kiss was usually the point you could be considered exclusively "going out" from. But I understand different places have different teenage dating customs.

I'm in my 30's as well. I wouldn't say that kissing was a serious deal when I was a teenager. I mean, to say "we kissed, that means we're boyfriend and girlfriend!" was something I would expect to hear from middle schoolers. It definitely varies though, based on generation, family beliefs, and culture. Also bear in mind that just because a girl comes from a conservative family doesn't mean the guys she encounters will be conservative! The OP has already said the the guy's actions felt "weird" to her and went against what she believed should be allowed outside of an official relationship. That tells me that they're coming from two totally different places.

 

[Armoured]

I'm in my 30's as well. I wouldn't say that kissing was a serious deal when I was a teenager. I mean, to say "we kissed, that means we're boyfriend and girlfriend!" was something I would expect to hear from middle schoolers. It definitely varies though, based on generation, family beliefs, and culture. Also bear in mind that just because a girl comes from a conservative family doesn't mean the guys she encounters will be conservative! The OP has already said the the guy's actions felt "weird" to her and went against what she believed should be allowed outside of an official relationship. That tells me that they're coming from two totally different places.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I've been in 1 relationship which lasted a year and a half. A month into the relationship we started kissing and I just liked the pace we had.

Now I'm 19 and single. I've been completely happy with focusing on myself and God. I don't want to be a relationship right now unless I meet a guy who I really like. I have a lot of goals to reach but what ever God wants I'll accept.

Well I met this guy at my church a few months ago. We've talked but we really started talking/flirting for over a month now. And recently things got more flirty? Idk what happened but we flirted way more than usual and just kinda accepted we liked each other? We've been on 3 "dates"/hangouts. On the 3rd we cuddled a bit and kissed a tiny bit (cheek, brushing lips n teasing without actually kissing).

He's 2 years older and even tho I didn't mind what we did, I felt a tad weird cause I normally would save that for inside of a relationship. But I really do like him...but for some reason I have doubts. He's different than my ex. He's forward (yet respectful) and takes charge. He's not a virgin (which sucks) but I am and plan on staying one til I get married. I just want to know where his head is at cause I don't want to be some fling. I don't want to just be used for that. Idk what his plans are. Idk if we'll just be flirty friends until we're ready for a relationship or what. I asked if he felt like we rushed into things and he said no cause even tho we just admitted to liking each other, we've been friends for awhile. So when he dropped me off reallyy late at night, I gave him a kiss on the cheek lol.

So idk if he does that for fun or what cause he mentioned "if this turns into something" in a convo. How should I talk to him about this? He said he doesn't normally do this with girls either..Advice?

(p.s. Me and other guy broke up last year. This is someone different...)

I believe its spiritually wise to delay kissing , and when you do, to keep it casual . The problem with moving into the physical way too soon is that it tends to cloud issues that one or both may come with. Some issues are of less gravity while some issues people have are rightfully red flags. When we start letting go of our fleshly desires because we like someone a lot, we can set ourselves up for blindness or making excuses for red flag issues.

For me personally, if I got involved with someone in a committed dating relationship, I would take firm steps to keep everything in balance. I would purposely delay the physical so the emotional and spiritual can catch up --- the physical needs very little effort to get things going, but the other two require work, dedication, some finesse, honesty, revealing , and integrity. As Christians who love Christ, we need to proceed very slowly and never rush a relationship faster than what it should move. It might even require having a formal agreement on how much time you will spend with each other and other pertinent boundaries. One of the worse things that people can do is just let their relationships become a runaway Train going as fast as it cares to and wherever it wants to go.

Self control is what Gods loving moral mandate is for his Followers , so we need to infuse that into all of our relationships, especially those that are more intimate such as b/f-g/f . In such a relationship, both people have a tremendous opportunity to help , support, and see each other grow as a result of the two being together --- that should be the focus and not what can I get out of it .

 

[Elizabeth21]

Thanks for your thoughts guys! And it's not like I couldn't "control" myself because I honestly can't kiss someone without deep feelings/purpose behind it. It felt comfortable what we were doing but nothing "wahoo special". That's why I felt like if we took it slow and eventually had deeper feelings for each other and dated, then it'd be more special. Idk what this is we have right now. I'll see where his head is at the next time I see him but I stopped the flirting/teasing talk. I don't want to give him any wrong impressions right now.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Thanks for your thoughts guys! And it's not like I couldn't "control" myself because I honestly can't kiss someone without deep feelings/purpose behind it. It felt comfortable what we were doing but nothing "wahoo special". That's why I felt like if we took it slow and eventually had deeper feelings for each other and dated, then it'd be more special. Idk what this is we have right now. I'll see where his head is at the next time I see him but I stopped the flirting/teasing talk. I don't want to give him any wrong impressions right now.

Look upon kissing as a very intimate thing that should occur way down the road after you've learned a lot about the guy. If you start out early on by kissing, youll fuel the guy for more physical contact and like I said before, youll short circuit both of you finding out issues you both come to the table with. ANd for issues , you both need very clear heads so you can process the information well, fairly, and accurately. Lord Bless. Keep him numero uno.

 

[BFine]

"Well I met this guy at my church a few months ago. We've talked but we really started talking/flirting for over a month now. And recently things got more flirty? Idk what happened but we flirted way more than usual and just kinda accepted we liked each other? We've been on 3 "dates"/hangouts. On the 3rd we cuddled a bit and kissed a tiny bit (cheek, brushing lips n teasing without actually kissing)."

*What I underlined speaks loudly, you don't know what happened-- that's
what happens when emotions aren't restrained.
By the third date you guys are cuddling and kissing each others cheeks ...teasing.
You admit not knowing what you and this guy have-- undefined relationship.
You say you are going to see where his head is the next time you see him... first,
things first--- Find out where your head is FIRST before your next date.

You already have some indication where his head is: 1. You know he's not a virgin
and 2. You know he doesn't feel you two rushed things. 3. It's confirmed that you
two like each other-- nothing said about becoming bf/gf.

Next quote:
"So idk if he does that for fun or what cause he mentioned "if this turns into something" in a convo. How should I talk to him about this? He said he doesn't normally do this with girls either."

*IF's are iffy.

You don't know if he does the flirty/kissy thing for fun? You took part in that too...
Ask yourself: What was my motive(s) for allowing and participating in flirting/cuddling
and kissing on a third date with a guy that I'm not in a defined relationship...all I know
is this: we LIKE one another.
You don't have to answer publicly.

"He said he doesn't normally do this with girls either"..
this is coming from a guy that you know he's not a virgin-- his comment is "bunk".

Feelings can be deceiving-- being comfortable with someone can work against
you ,especially when you really don't know that person.
I found that out when I was young and single too.

It's important to know "yourself", to have boundaries in place and to establish
and or define a relationship before you get into kissing/cuddling and teasing--
as you are learning this currently...truly, we don't want to give a false impression
of ourself or act in a way that is dishonoring to our faith and reputation.
I have experienced my share of heartache over doing things the wrong way when
I was unmarried.

Talk to him about what you have shared here, seriously, he needs to know that
you aren't some fly-by-night type girl and you want to define what the relationship
is or isn't. You want to know his intentions and you can share yours.
If it helps, write down your thoughts...you can refer to it if you need to.
I hope things work out for both of you to be a couple who seek to be honoring
to the Lord and to one another.