Just some things...

[K9Guardian]

::smirks behind hand::

Hmmmmm...

...

Hey, Chocolady, I dunno about you, but I intend to see this possibly-sane wacko through his story and on his way to school no matter how weird this gets (so long as it doesn't cross certain lines).
Maybe I'm catching some of his lunacy, but right now I'm in excellent mood.

Get your butt moving, man. And erase what I just said from your mind.

 

[Kol]

At that point I had reached the darkest and most miserable time in my life.

I wanted God...I wanted to be God...

I had lost focus...

...become obsessed with angels and demons...

I really hated everything evil, and wanted to destroy it...I'd attracted another with the same purpose, a demon who now shared my body. I poured candle wax into a little bowl, and dripped water on top of this...he had named himself Phoenix, because God would..had?..destroyed him, but that he had risen again.

dear david
it is ashley
i lov you

when are you comeing home?
when are you leeving the air forest?
is it hot in the desert?
do you need a fan?

mom is my frind
amanda is my frind
you is are my frind
i lov you
ashley

I felt nothing, because I had killed those things, because doing so would enable me to be strong and conquer things most humans would never see.

I loved to watch blood and to taste it, and so I would take a razor and shave the skin on the outer part of my palm until I drew blood. I bought iron tablets at the GNC on base and would open the capsules so i could taste the iron inside, because it was so reminescent of blood.

I took the mirror in my bathroom down and hid it in my closet, because I hated to see my empty, physical representation. I would turn off all the lights and cover every bit of sunlight coming in, and would sit in my room alone at night, dressed in all black, with just my black light or candles, listening to dark music and enjoying my solitude. I could feel angels all around me, and they had come to bless me on my path in life. I was a secret myself, a real-life magician, a necromancer who was home to the spirit of a demon king dead for millennia. I was perfectly good and yet embraced by such darkness. The hero of the world, someone who could master both...

By the time I came to Arizona, I was a different person completely.

The house was at an angle, and didn't have a front door, only a sliding glass back door and a small carport door. My room was separate from the house, with archways linking the two. A waist-high brick wall broke the yard into smaller bits, and the entire house was surrounded by a walkway. There were cactus laid out like shrubs, and sage trees with oleanders in the back. It wasn't a beautiful house, but it was very neat and orderly. Peaceful, and quiet.

There was a swing in the front yard, and that first night I sat in it until midnight, rocking just a little and talking with God.

The next day then, I lay on the couch inside and began to read. The temperature outside was over 100, but the air in the house was so cool, I felt like falling asleep. The dog lay beside his bed and looked over at me once or twice, bored. The cat lay on the vent, stretched out and sound asleep.

My grandmother cooked pancakes, and the three of us ate together at the table. My great-grandpa asked about my trip, and whether or not i'd seen any indians on my way.

The rest of the day I drank chai tea and read different books. After supper my grandpa put on a movie and the three of us watched it together.

That night I finished taking everything out of my truck. I called my mom and my sisters back home. After midnight I made my way back to the front yard in slippers and sat beneath the ficus trees to watch the stars. There were statues near me, porcelain coyote pups all gathered around their momma, howling. I gave the momma a pat on the head, then lay against the tree and closed my eyes to pray.

...

 

[Kol]

So. Quiet, peaceful, and self-assured. The dark nights at Edwards AFB in California were 6 years in the past.

Those first two days I woke up around 9 or 10, had a bowl of cereal, then lay on the couch and read a war general's autobiography. My grandmother sewed and my grandpa watched television. Occasionally, my grandmother would smile and tell me there was a hummingbird at the tiny feeder outside. I would sit up and watch the little thing hover in midair, take a sip of the colored water, and dart back off.

After the other two went to bed at night, I would sneak out into the front yard to be alone with Jesus. The air was so still and quiet... In the daytime the desert was hot and the sun too much, but at night they both relented, and it was like running to clutch to your daddy's side.

I would close my eyes, sip on my tea, and feel the fire of the Holy Spirit flow across and throughout my heart. The wind would blow across the waist-high brick fence, rustling the leaves and stirring the wind chimes.

I went to bed that second night, very much a changed man.

 

[Chocolatesa]

Sorry. The Stafford loan paid for all but $900 of my tuition. I need money to live on other than that, which my GI Bill should pay. Problem is, the GI Bill doesnt pay you; it pays you back. I go to take out a loan tomorrow. Beyond that, my truckbed is halfway packed. I leave Saturday.

I will try to finish this by then. If I leave something out and it doesn't make sense, tell me.

...

No actually I should apologize for trying to rush you while you're doing 3 other things at the same time. I'll pray that you get everything sorted out with your loan so you can go to school.

::smirks behind hand::

Hmmmmm...

...

Hey, Chocolady, I dunno about you, but I intend to see this possibly-sane wacko through his story and on his way to school no matter how weird this gets (so long as it doesn't cross certain lines).
Maybe I'm catching some of his lunacy, but right now I'm in excellent mood.

Get your butt moving, man. And erase what I just said from your mind.

Same here!

 

[Kol]

I kneel down on my pillow, praising God and bowing down my spirit in worship. I had nothing to pray for, but paid my respects as I did every night. When my prayer was finished, I brushed my teeth, turned the television to the Tonight Show, and fell asleep.

I soon found myself in a dream...

I was back at Sony Music in Carrollton. I was dressed in all black; sweatpants and a sweatshirt, the way I'd slept when I was 13 at my mother's house. I was on the sortation machine, which packaged the CDs and sent them out to their own destinations.

I paused and reached out into my mind to see where the dream was coming from, because it seemed strange in some way. I found I was only partially lucid. I knew I was sleeping, but couldn't call to mind where I was in the real world or what I was doing in life. Nothing too amiss there. But the dream was weird in some way. I could sense something I hadn't sensed in several years. Like the smell of someone's perfume you'd long ago forgotten about. Something a little darker though...like a sober alcoholic or a recovered drug addict coming across a scent of their old habits. I sensed my own personal evil nearby. I began to walk up the ramp to the sortation machine, but carefully. There was an evil, keeping its presence away because there was something it wanted to show me.

I kept my eyes open, a fool no longer, but kept walking.

The sortation machine did not hold CDs.

There were babies in plastic cases, as if they were science experiments, or were being grown or altered. They had been human, but were being changed into aliens by the fluid which surrounded them, and by constant surgeries and chemicals fed to them. Most of the babies were infants.

Something new, something structured. Intelligence, scientific genius, and power through sheer intellectual might. Cold december nights, and an open field of stars. Something almost magical, a hidden secret and a golden age of technology...

I felt the Greys, the 'aliens'.

They were nowhere nearby, but the lab equipment was most assuredly theirs.

The air suddenly became crimson red and black, and I knew there was a net which had been cast over me. I was now trapped in the dream of an evil spirit, something I was very familiar with.

I steadied myself and didn't worry, though. This had been a common occurance when I first lived at Woodglen. If I needed to escape, I could call on Christ Jesus and I would be taken out. But for just a moment more, I looked around.

I reached the end of the sortation ramp, and there was a baby in a plastic tube, and not really a baby but a toddler...

My subconscious suddenly flared up at me. Something was wrong, sickeningly wrong. Wrong with nature in some way. Something that was not supposed to be *was*... There were spirits nearby, several of them, though I couldn't pick out something as detailed as a number. They were clouds, and they were bigger than a man. Between 8 and a dozen of them. They hovered, and there was a leader. They were being quiet, and watching me, and the leader was the one sending this dream.

A something came over me, so subtly and quickly that I didn't even realize what had happened. I suddenly found myself losing my awareness, losing my lucid state, and very nearly being in an unaware dream state.

I looked back at the toddler in front of me, and she was no longer a toddler, but a very young teenage girl. She was nude, and extremely beautiful and attractive. Long black hair fell down over her shoulders, and the case to where she was kept was open. I was barely aware of myself, and found myself absolutely burning with lust. I pulled the girl out of her cage and pushed her to the floor.

She let me pin her arms to the floor, above her head..she seemed almost to lead me to do so...and she very intentionally looked me in the eyes, with undisguised fear and uncertainty there. I then began to rape her as she very quietly begged me not to. Her body was absolutely fantastic..

The Holy Spirit winced in my heart, and let out a kind of silent scream of pain...a very slight flame feeling seemed to shoot out into my heart, and I immediately realized what I was doing. I had to struggle to take myself away from the girl, but I did.

I felt a voice trying to lead me on, tempting me, promising me of what I could have. It was smiling, and in my mind I saw a very ugly and toothless grin.

Not a chance. I was myself again, and had no idea what was going on. The spirits were demons, the smaller, ogre-type. They weren't like giants but like clouds, and there were at least 8 of them. There was a leader, and he was behind me.

I realized these were the giants I'd dreamed came after my family.

I was trapped in a dream with a pack of demons.

I could feel their reaction as I realized this and backed away from the girl. They began to laugh and jeer, not a sound but a feeling emenating from their spirits. The leader was absolutely glowing with something like a smile.

There was no way I could fight off close to a dozen demons and I didnt fool myself for a second. I let the Spirit lead me then. My left hand went to my heart, my right as if to take an oath in the air, and I called on Christ Jesus to save me. Immediately I felt myself fading away, and as I did so, I could feel the demons smiling at me.

...

I wanted to find a painting of how I held my arms when I prayed myself out, but couldn't. I began to do this without thinking when I first had to fight off my dreams in Carrollton. Put your left hand over your heart, and raise your right hand like taking an oath, but only hold up your first two fingers (like a boyscout pledge, I guess). This is something I seem to do without thinking, whenever I have to 'escape' from my dreams.

 

[Chocolatesa]

I would close my eyes, sip on my tea, and feel the fire of the Holy Spirit flow across and throughout my heart. The wind would blow across the waist-high brick fence, rustling the leaves and stirring the wind chimes.

I went to bed that second night, very much a changed man.

Wow.

Hopefully I'll be able to feel that one day too.

 

[Chocolatesa]

I kneel down on my pillow, praising God and bowing down my spirit in worship. I had nothing to pray for, but paid my respects as I did every night. When my prayer was finished, I brushed my teeth, turned the television to the Tonight Show, and fell asleep.

I soon found myself in a dream...

I was back at Sony Music in Carrollton. I was dressed in all black; sweatpants and a sweatshirt, the way I'd slept when I was 13 at my mother's house. I was on the sortation machine, which packaged the CDs and sent them out to their own destinations.

I paused and reached out into my mind to see where the dream was coming from, because it seemed strange in some way. I found I was only partially lucid. I knew I was sleeping, but couldn't call to mind where I was in the real world or what I was doing in life. Nothing too amiss there. But the dream was weird in some way. I could sense something I hadn't sensed in several years. Like the smell of someone's perfume you'd long ago forgotten about. Something a little darker though...like a sober alcoholic or a recovered drug addict coming across a scent of their old habits. I sensed my own personal evil nearby. I began to walk up the ramp to the sortation machine, but carefully. There was an evil, keeping its presence away because there was something it wanted to show me.

I kept my eyes open, a fool no longer, but kept walking.

The sortation machine did not hold CDs.

There were babies in plastic cases, as if they were science experiments, or were being grown or altered. They had been human, but were being changed into aliens by the fluid which surrounded them, and by constant surgeries and chemicals fed to them. Most of the babies were infants.

Something new, something structured. Intelligence, scientific genius, and power through sheer intellectual might. Cold december nights, and an open field of stars. Something almost magical, a hidden secret and a golden age of technology...

I felt the Greys, the 'aliens'.

They were nowhere nearby, but the lab equipment was most assuredly theirs.

The air suddenly became crimson red and black, and I knew there was a net which had been cast over me. I was now trapped in the dream of an evil spirit, something I was very familiar with.

I steadied myself and didn't worry, though. This had been a common occurance when I first lived at Woodglen. If I needed to escape, I could call on Christ Jesus and I would be taken out. But for just a moment more, I looked around.

I reached the end of the sortation ramp, and there was a baby in a plastic tube, and not really a baby but a toddler...

My subconscious suddenly flared up at me. Something was wrong, sickeningly wrong. Wrong with nature in some way. Something that was not supposed to be *was*... There were spirits nearby, several of them, though I couldn't pick out something as detailed as a number. They were clouds, and they were bigger than a man. Between 8 and a dozen of them. They hovered, and there was a leader. They were being quiet, and watching me, and the leader was the one sending this dream.

A something came over me, so subtly and quickly that I didn't even realize what had happened. I suddenly found myself losing my awareness, losing my lucid state, and very nearly being in an unaware dream state.

I looked back at the toddler in front of me, and she was no longer a toddler, but a very young teenage girl. She was nude, and extremely beautiful and attractive. Long black hair fell down over her shoulders, and the case to where she was kept was open. I was barely aware of myself, and found myself absolutely burning with lust. I pulled the girl out of her cage and pushed her to the floor.

She let me pin her arms to the floor, above her head..she seemed almost to lead me to do so...and she very intentionally looked me in the eyes, with undisguised fear and uncertainty there. I then began to rape her as she very quietly begged me not to. Her body was absolutely fantastic..

The Holy Spirit winced in my heart, and let out a kind of silent scream of pain...a very slight flame feeling seemed to shoot out into my heart, and I immediately realized what I was doing. I had to struggle to take myself away from the girl, but I did.

I felt a voice trying to lead me on, tempting me, promising me of what I could have. It was smiling, and in my mind I saw a very ugly and toothless grin.

Not a chance. I was myself again, and had no idea what was going on. The spirits were demons, the smaller, ogre-type. They weren't like giants but like clouds, and there were at least 8 of them. There was a leader, and he was behind me.

I realized these were the giants I'd dreamed came after my family.

I was trapped in a dream with a pack of demons.

I could feel their reaction as I realized this and backed away from the girl. They began to laugh and jeer, not a sound but a feeling emenating from their spirits. The leader was absolutely glowing with something like a smile.

There was no way I could fight off close to a dozen demons and I didnt fool myself for a second. I let the Spirit lead me then. My left hand went to my heart, my right as if to take an oath in the air, and I called on Christ Jesus to save me. Immediately I felt myself fading away, and as I did so, I could feel the demons smiling at me.

...

I wanted to find a painting of how I held my arms when I prayed myself out, but couldn't. I began to do this without thinking when I first had to fight off my dreams in Carrollton. Put your left hand over your heart, and raise your right hand like taking an oath, but only hold up your first two fingers (like a boyscout pledge, I guess). This is something I seem to do without thinking, whenever I have to 'escape' from my dreams.

Ok next time, don't take a moment to "look around" while you're under a "net" lol.

Maybe, instead of, or as well as, enticing you to sin with that girl, they were trying to breed you to make something else...

 

[Kol]

The dream unsettled me, but it was just another attack. Christ had kept me safe, and I had suffered no real harm.

I shrugged it off.

I read the next day, and listened to a little of my Johnny Cash CDs. We had chicken for supper, and afterwards I called my sister Ashley.

I joke around with Ashley all the time, and had called to ask her if her toes smelled like cherries. She sounded down and depressed, and I could barely hear her voice over my cell phone.

"What is it, Ashleybug?" I asked her.

Nothing. No, it's nothing.

"Well okay," I had to say after a bit of prodding, "but you know if there's ever anything you need to talk about, I will always listen, right?"

Mmhmm.

My mom was at work, and would be until 12 that night. She called me close to half an hour later, on her way home.

My sister Ashley had been raped.

I reached the end of the sortation ramp, and there was a baby in a plastic tube...

Ashley, the baby in our family. Ashleybaby.

The demons had sent me a dream of what they were going to do the very next day. They had tried to get me to rape my sister in my dreams, and for a second it had worked.

I had to beg my grandmother for the money to drive all the way back home, and before the hour was up, I was once again on the interstate going home.

My rage was very dangerous at that point, and for over 1500 miles the only thing I could do was repeat "Jesus is stronger than me" over and over, trying to call on the Lord's Spirit to hold my own and keep me in check. I knew I could not ruin my life by doing what I wanted to do.

By the time my tires crossed onto Georgia soil, my mother was drunk and Ashley was calling me to cry about *this*.

By the time I reached the house, Amanda was gone with her friends, smoking marijuana and getting drunk on vodka.

Ashley was a wreck.

She had bruises on her wrists and I could feel her spirit shriveled inside of her.

Her dad had come home but our mother was gone, drunk because she thought the rape was her fault for not being home. The investigators had told Amanda things were *her* fault for leaving her sister by herself.

The house was a wreck and my sister Amanda wouldn't keep herself completely sober. Looking back I don't think she could have.

That first night I took Amanda out on the porch to talk with her about what had happened. She insisted on her friend being with her.

"It's NOT my fault!" Absolutely tearful and broken.

I assured her it wasn't, and said everything I could think of to try to both stop the pain in her heart, and build her back up as much as I could, even if that meant piling pebbles on top of each other.

And then she said something that chilled me and took the breath from my body:

"NOBODY should have to go through that...nobody!"

And the way she said it, I realized that at some point not so long ago, she had gone through the same thing.

Everybody's tempers exploded left and right. The girls' daddy badmouthed our mother and no one had the strength to do anything about it. Amanda was drunk most of the time. I learned she'd been doing cocaine and that our mom had been keeping it a secret.

I took Ashley to a cemetary and spoke to her as best I could. Writing this now, I am having to fight back the tears.

"There's nothing you have to say," I told her. "We don't have to sit out here and talk. Maybe you feel like talking and maybe you don't. And either way, that's okay. Sometimes it helps to talk and sometimes it helps to just sit there and not have to say anything." I remembered a time when I too had to readjust to a world I really didn't want to return to.

And my 13-year old sister sat there, and because she wanted to talk about how mothers were supposed to take care of their children, we did.

Ashley was very responsive to me, and she let me try my best to be there for her. I went with her to her rape crisis meetings, and I sat outside, beneath a tree while she talked to people inside. I went with her to her counselor's and once or twice, she even laughed with me.

"Nobody loves me," she said as she lay in bed one night. I had been reading the Bible to her, and we had looked through old pictures.

"I love you," I told her.

"No. Nobody loves me."

"I love you, Ashley. Most people may not. Maybe mom doesn't love you, maybe your dad doesn't love you. I don't know. But I love you."

And she looked right into my eyes, to see everything that was there. And if I had been lying, she would have seen it. I let her know that I *did* love her, if only I alone.

"My brother loves me," she said.

A few weeks ago, Ashley told me that if it hadn't been for me, she would not have made it. I felt very humbled by that, because Ashley is a stronger person than even I am.

But Amanda and my mother were still in their own nightmares, no matter how Ashley was managing to hold on.

 

[Kol]

After much begging and pleading, and handling her as if she were wet tissue paper, I got to talk with my sister Amanda.

The words that undid her and crumbled her shield against me:

"I'm not trying to tell you that you're bad or that the choices you've made make you a bad person. You've done what had to be done, and I understand that because I've done the same before."

Other kids from the highschool would sometimes drive by her house and holler obsenities at her because they said she slept with anyone and everyone. When the investigators had come out to the house, they'd found an ungodly amount of used condoms and marijuana paraphenelia in the basement. There had been vodka bottles all over the house, and it was unclear how many were our mother's, and how many were Amanda's.

She began to cry, almost uncontrollably. She had made so many mistakes, and no one was ever going to let her forget that. Everyone thought of her as a w**** and let her know to her face. She had nobody, our mom had left, and her dad didn't care.

The only thing I could give her was the promise that if she needed to, she could come out to Arizona with me and start over. She said she would seriously consider it.

And that was the only time I got a chance to speak with my beloved sister Mindy. She was on cocaine and seldom came home. I looked for drug rehab centers, but couldn't find one for children. Amanda was 15.

...

 

[Kol]

A few weeks later, a county in Florida called our house to ask us to come pick up our mother. They then called back to tell us we should pick her up at a hospital in Georgia.

She had taken the car and run out of gas, money, and food. She had been robbed in Alabama, beaten and raped. She'd then hitchhiked to Florida because, in her drunken state of mind, she wanted to be at the beach. When she got there she didn't have any food, and had gone door to door begging for something to eat, until someone called the police to pick her up.

I went with my sister Ashley to see our mother.

We walked up to the reception desk and asked for Patricia. The woman's mouth dropped, though she tried to hide it. We were given a room number, and it was obvious my mother was the gossip of this small hospital.

The nurses had tried to put a gown on her, but only half-heartedly. They had put a feeding tube down her nose, and evidently she had tried to fight them; black marks were all over her body from the powder used to insert the tube. Her arms were strapped on the sides of the hospital bed, and IVs ran into her right arm. Her hair looked white.

Ashley stepped into the room and I think she may have called out. I don't remember. Our mom looked at us, and she was so drugged, there was absolutely no recognition there. Ashley let out some kind of indescribeable gasp/moan/scream, and I myself began to feel tears flowing down my face.

I pulled Ashley out into the hallway, and I sat there with my sister, crying on each other's shoulders.

...

 

[Kol]

My mom let us take her to Second Seasons, a rehab in Lagrange. On the way there, she tried to overdose on pills. By the time we got her to the emergency room, she was almost unconscious. She leaned on me as I fireman-walked her to the ER. My mom, in her 40s, weighed close to 160 or so. I myself am 120. She was nearly dead weight, because her body was shutting down. She kept pleading with me to take her to the hospital and wasn't able to hear me when I told her I was doing just that.

The next day she was sent to a mental institution in Atlanta.

Ashley rode with me as we went to pick her up. On the way back she complained that we didn't love her and she had nowhere to live. Her ex-husband, my sisters' dad, paid for her to live in a cheap motel. She had no clothes but what the hospital had given her, and the motel didn't want to take her.

Two days after we dropped her off at the motel, a man named Robert came and took her to his house. He'd stalked her at work before, and she had called him because she didn't "have anybody else".

I was back in Georgia for 3 months, and this is how things went the entire time.

 

[Kol]

Zipping through this. I want to finish this!

Ashley was going to be okay. She refused to accept things and to just let them wash over her. She was against the world, and was going to cling to the good parts.

Amanda was in a horribly bad depression, on drugs, and would seldom come home.

My mom was at Robert's house and wouldn't do anything but drink. The man would beat my mother and later on would chase her with a knife around their motel room.

But everything that I could do had been done.

And so I came back out here to Arizona towards September.

 

[Kol]

I came back out to Arizona and had a dream that snakes were in the yard, but that you could only see them at night. I tried to hit them with my slingshot, but had to get dangerously close to do so.

I took a job at a department store and tried to save money for college. I read Mein Kampf and the book of Acts. I went to work in a suit and tie, and smiled at customers as I folded shirts for minimum wage and 16 hours a week, because that's all that was available.

Amanda stayed away from home and my cousin Brittany told me she was now on meth. Worse than crack cocaine in some ways, and not really something you can ever recover from. Our mother was living at a homeless shelter.

I found a better job working security, and began to pray for my family as strongly as I could.

Ashley got tired of people doing drugs at her daddy's house, so she moved in with our brother Michael. She started smoking about this time.

I dreamed my cousin Jennifer wrecked and was killed. That afternoon, Amanda flipped her car. The details in my dream were slightly off; the dream wasn't from God but someone else, trying to warn me. Amanda lived though, and a verse flew though my mind: "be still, and know that I am God." I have no idea who sent me the dream.

Work was truckdrivers and gate guard duty. My grandmother packed a huge tupperware bowl of chili for me and my stomach was full every night. Everyone at work was hispanic, and I was one of the only ones to not speak spanish. I did my best, played the fool, and smiled at everyone.

My blog entry on the 9th of February:

Evidently, manda *IS* on coke.

I called my other sis, ashley, tonight. She was sick. She had been staying at our brother's, but since she's sick, she went back 'home'...she didn't want to get Caison (Michael's son) sick. Ashley said there were about 20 guys over at the house with amanda and their dad Bob, was just 'there'.

Jesse (their brother, not mine) had been staying with them all, but Amanda started a story in which Jesse slept with Bob's girlfriend. Because of this, Bob kicked his son Jesse out. Apparently what really happened was that they had all been drinking together and Jesse had passed out, at which point two or three of the women started 'molesting' him. But Jesse never tried to sleep with Bob's gf.

As Ashley said, 'stupid rednecks!'

Supposedly the reason Amanda wanted Jesse out was that he'd caught her text'ng a drug dealer for cocaine. My beloved sister will end up dead. With my granddad gone, she was the one in this world I loved the most. But for now, I have to put that love on hold-otherwise, it would just hurt too much.

It was a quiet night out here in the desert. I passed up the white rose tea tonight for chai. I worked out a little, watched 1 vs 100...so, Larry King, huh? I once heard he was in the mafia and had connections to Oswald. Who knows? Maybe I'll ask my boss tomorrow.

Anyhow, may God bless us all tonight with the peacefulness of our Lord Jesus Christ. The truth is within, and that truth is Christ Jesus.

And so I felt that since the evil spirits couldn't get to me, they were massacring my family instead.

The dream of demons coming for them had come true. All because I had stood up to my family's guardian angel.

 

[Kol]

.....

And that was it for a while. My life was tranquil and clear, and home was a mess. At that point, I began to pray for my family, for the Lord to rescue them.

My cousin Brittany flew out here for Christmas, and I could sense that she'd tried ice before; i got an image of the fat in her body wasting away and of something hyper. She couldn't sit still but kept picking at her hair. I read the Bible to her, and bought her a new copy of The Message, so that she might read it sometime. She went out drinking and doing drugs one week. She was trying to break away from her bad friends, and was having trouble doing so.

At this point in my life, I pretty much felt untouchable. I was no longer causing people pain; I was healing them and keeping them going, whenever they would let me. My past was something that nobody knew about, and nobody ever needed to know. Because of my awareness of spiritual things, I could *feel* the Holy Spirit within me, and it was (and is) absolutely awesome. I would struggle like the minimum-wage peasant I was during the day, and at night come home to order out who i needed to pray for as if I were Michael Corleone.

I had fought off everything that had ever come against me, and survived. Now I was with Jesus, wrapped up in his Spirit and doing what that Spirit led me to do.

I knew that the demons had been with my family back home, and I knew it was because they could no longer cause me pain. But I pray for my family, and I did so with faith, knowing that my prayers would be answered.

...

 

[Chocolatesa]

The dream unsettled me, but it was just another attack. Christ had kept me safe, and I had suffered no real harm.

I shrugged it off.

I read the next day, and listened to a little of my Johnny Cash CDs. We had chicken for supper, and afterwards I called my sister Ashley.

I joke around with Ashley all the time, and had called to ask her if her toes smelled like cherries. She sounded down and depressed, and I could barely hear her voice over my cell phone.

"What is it, Ashleybug?" I asked her.

Nothing. No, it's nothing.

"Well okay," I had to say after a bit of prodding, "but you know if there's ever anything you need to talk about, I will always listen, right?"

Mmhmm.

My mom was at work, and would be until 12 that night. She called me close to half an hour later, on her way home.

My sister Ashley had been raped.



Ashley, the baby in our family. Ashleybaby.

The demons had sent me a dream of what they were going to do the very next day. They had tried to get me to rape my sister in my dreams, and for a second it had worked.

I had to beg my grandmother for the money to drive all the way back home, and before the hour was up, I was once again on the interstate going home.

My rage was very dangerous at that point, and for over 1500 miles the only thing I could do was repeat "Jesus is stronger than me" over and over, trying to call on the Lord's Spirit to hold my own and keep me in check. I knew I could not ruin my life by doing what I wanted to do.

By the time my tires crossed onto Georgia soil, my mother was drunk and Ashley was calling me to cry about *this*.

By the time I reached the house, Amanda was gone with her friends, smoking marijuana and getting drunk on vodka.

Ashley was a wreck.

She had bruises on her wrists and I could feel her spirit shriveled inside of her.

Her dad had come home but our mother was gone, drunk because she thought the rape was her fault for not being home. The investigators had told Amanda things were *her* fault for leaving her sister by herself.

The house was a wreck and my sister Amanda wouldn't keep herself completely sober. Looking back I don't think she could have.

That first night I took Amanda out on the porch to talk with her about what had happened. She insisted on her friend being with her.

"It's NOT my fault!" Absolutely tearful and broken.

I assured her it wasn't, and said everything I could think of to try to both stop the pain in her heart, and build her back up as much as I could, even if that meant piling pebbles on top of each other.

And then she said something that chilled me and took the breath from my body:

"NOBODY should have to go through that...nobody!"

And the way she said it, I realized that at some point not so long ago, she had gone through the same thing.

Everybody's tempers exploded left and right. The girls' daddy badmouthed our mother and no one had the strength to do anything about it. Amanda was drunk most of the time. I learned she'd been doing cocaine and that our mom had been keeping it a secret.

I took Ashley to a cemetary and spoke to her as best I could. Writing this now, I am having to fight back the tears.

"There's nothing you have to say," I told her. "We don't have to sit out here and talk. Maybe you feel like talking and maybe you don't. And either way, that's okay. Sometimes it helps to talk and sometimes it helps to just sit there and not have to say anything." I remembered a time when I too had to readjust to a world I really didn't want to return to.

And my 13-year old sister sat there, and because she wanted to talk about how mothers were supposed to take care of their children, we did.

Ashley was very responsive to me, and she let me try my best to be there for her. I went with her to her rape crisis meetings, and I sat outside, beneath a tree while she talked to people inside. I went with her to her counselor's and once or twice, she even laughed with me.

"Nobody loves me," she said as she lay in bed one night. I had been reading the Bible to her, and we had looked through old pictures.

"I love you," I told her.

"No. Nobody loves me."

"I love you, Ashley. Most people may not. Maybe mom doesn't love you, maybe your dad doesn't love you. I don't know. But I love you."

And she looked right into my eyes, to see everything that was there. And if I had been lying, she would have seen it. I let her know that I *did* love her, if only I alone.

"My brother loves me," she said.

A few weeks ago, Ashley told me that if it hadn't been for me, she would not have made it. I felt very humbled by that, because Ashley is a stronger person than even I am.

But Amanda and my mother were still in their own nightmares, no matter how Ashley was managing to hold on.

*in tears*

 

[Kol]

This was a war, and of that I had no doubt.

"Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."

This was happening to me. I had Christ Jesus, and he was a spring of living water which others came to feed off of. This was the only thing keeping Ashley alive, the only light Amanda had seen.

There were aliens and demons, heaven was in the hands of the Devil, and there was no chance of anyone else ever believing me. The only thing on my side was that the adversary, the satans, didn't understand; they were not able to conceive of the fact that no matter how painful my life became, no matter how much misery they caused the people in my life, it would end with nothing. There was no amount of pain, misery, or sorrow, which the Lord Christ Jesus could not overcome. I had died in the true night but been resurrected in glory. It wasn't like the Lord battled evil with good. That was what I believed at first. But the real answer was not on this side of reality. The real answer was not a man named Jesus, but the Living Word of God, the second Adam who IS Jesus Christ. The answer was not power and knowledge and might. The answer was love and peace, because those things transcended reality and all understanding:

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7

Drop your swords and pick up the Holy Spirit, because we will win this war with peace.

I had done just that.

My love of the Lord went beyond my own understanding, and I felt so caught up in His own love sometimes, there was simply no way to express it. What can you say? What can you do? The essence of Christianity is not going to church and believing in Jesus and trying not to sin. Christianity is crucifying yourself -killing who you are- and letting Jesus Christ make you what God wants you to be. It is about opening up every door of your heart and making every thought, wish, or hope you find there to bow down in submission and acceptance to the Lord Jesus. Every part of you must say to him, "You alone are God Almighty." You will win the battle by never attacking, by never defending. Lay down and die, and just believe.

I had done just that.

I could feel what I was, and there was no arguing that my spirit was a prince of God. It wasn't a matter of order or control, of ruling people or things, because those earthly things are only a shadow of what is true. There was no arguing, because I belonged to the kingdom of heaven-I could feel it in my heart-and I had another kingdom inside of me as well. I was a prince of God just as surely as I'd been born white or a Georgian, or a male. It was simply what I was, and that kingdom was real because in some way, I was it. I was an emperor, and the big surprise was that we ALL were; we were now rulers over ourselves, and that was the greatest country you can ever be given. And I did rule myself. Peace, faith, and self-control, these had all become my new glorious self.

I, once again, was a son of God.

 

[K9Guardian]

...

 

[Kol]

My spiritual life had evidently become a serious threat to somebody.

Brace yourselves.

I posted this story in part on another site when it first happened:

I can never sleep at night. Mostly I think this is because I've worked the midnight shift for the past 7 or 8 years, although the scientists at the discovery channel assure me that humans can't get used to working the night shift. Since scientists said it, I find I must assume that they're right and I'm wrong, but nevertheless, *I could not stay asleep last night.*

So finally, I put on a self-hypnosis CD and lay down to go to sleep(these CDs usually just knock me out.) This was at maybe 6 or 6:30 this morning. I got *really* relaxed, felt my body falling asleep, and soon the only thing I was aware of was my breathing.

When I came to, I was in a dream. In the dream, it was morning, but dark-not really nighttime, but dark as if it were. (Seems a contradiction, but it was a *dream*). I came in to my grandpa's house from the guest room, and was going to pop some food in the microwave because I was hungry. As i was waiting for the food, I wandered towards the hallway leading to the rest of the house, and heard my grandpa say "oh no" in his sleep.

At this point, I became afraid that he was having a nightmare and called out to him, to wake him up. In the dream, he was a light sleeper and immediately told me he was okay. I heard my grandmother call out to him from another room to check on him, and I tried to walk nearer to his room to make sure he was alright. But I wasn't able to *go* any further. I couldn't walk out of the kitchen.

At this point, I realized it was a dream and began to struggle to wake up, because I *did not* like where the dream was going.

I woke up in my bed, having never really been in the house. And I couldn't move...

Science, technology, and an intelligence beyond humanity...

I woke up and there was a Grey above me.

My first thought was that I was somehow about to be abducted. I could feel myself in the bed, but couldn't move. I began to struggle, trying to keep my calm but quickly losing it. I went through hell the first 15 years of my life, trying in vain to find a way to keep these living nightmares away. I was caught in a paralyzed state, and there was a grey above me, and whatever he was about to do, I seemed helpless to stop. I could feel my heart, and it seemed to be beating so hard as to cut into my breathing. I tried to remain calm but couldn't; these things radiate fear. I called out to Christ, only able to in a whisper, and started to try to focus on him: his image, his persona. I found I was able to move my head from side to side, and then my feet and legs, but I couldn't get my arms or the rest of my body to get up and stop what was happening. I was awake but couldn't wake up all the way. I could hear the hypnosis CD repeating in the background, could hear the birds chirping outside. But I couldn't wake up. I was sweating and afraid, and trying not to lose it.

The next thing I taught myself was how to leave my body. The book I had mentioned two ways: either try to imagine yourself rolling while keeping still, and thus "roll" out of your physical form, or else to go to sleep thirsty, and imagine yourself getting up to get some water. I tried the first, time and again. But I could never get it to work...

I gave up on trying to re-enter my physical body and rolled out of it with ease. I was surprised that someone had tried to assault me, and wondered distantly who it might be. My mood was immediately calm, completely in control, master of myself because I was in my real form. I rolled in the air to float beside my bed, then turned to my false body and looked.

There was a Grey, a satan captain, above my flesh body. He had sent me a nightmare and tried to push me out of my physical body.

I opened myself up to my glorified form. Threads of flame, the righteousness of Christ Jesus, wrapped around me and caught me on fire. The Holy Spirit flared up within me, flowing like wine within my soul...

I made eye contact with the Grey.

The expression on his face said it all:

Oh, ****.

He flew backwards, back into the canopy, back into the spiritual realm, and I gave chase.

He wore a different color suit than most of the Greys; his was black, with a V design. He seemed to have a lower-middle rank/strength. He would have been about 5 feet tall.

I came out of the portal and found myself in the middle-world mist. The gray mist I knew so well but only partially remembered in my flesh body...

I kept trying to chase him, and to broadcast the Holy Spirit from myself into his own heart. He ran as fast as he could; the Spirit was painful to him.

I came to a room in the mist, and realized I had been caught in an ambush.

There were a dozen Greys kneeling down on my left, and a dozen more on my right. I immediately took stock of them. They were a ship crew, and five or six of them had a small amount of ability with them. I could take any of them, but didn't know how well I could do if they swarmed.

I raised my hands in the air, and flung them down, concentrating, trying to throw the Spirit like an earthquake across the room. I was too young. I was able to make this happen, but the Spirit wouldn't travel more than a few feet. My own spirit was not strong enough to influence anything more than a short distance away.

I felt like I was holding off wolves with a torch. The Holy Spirit within me would keep them away, but that was it.

I realized with a bit of shock that they were in some kind of stasis, as if they were feeding or sleeping. One on my left, in the center, opened his eyes and looked at me in wonder, as if to say "what is a flesh man doing here?"

My original attack turned to me, because he knew he couldn't get away fast enough.

Neither one of us knew how a fight between us would end. He looked at me, and was afraid. I myself was slightly interested.

He sent a dart to me, a black arrowhead. It landed in my shoulder, and seemed to cause me a tiny bit of sadness or grief. I looked at it sticking out of my spiritual body, just a little curious, and then turned back to look at him.

I tried to send the Spirit against him again, but again my own spirit wasn't able to influence anything so far away. I began to run to him, and he took off once again.

I began to chase him. The Spirit seemed to mouth the words to me to go back, back to my room.

I closed my eyes, 'warped' back into my body, and sat straight up in bed.

...

This is without a doubt the most awesome experience in my entire freakin' life.

When I rolled out of my body, my mood and temperment completely changed. I truly felt like a godling, like a son of God. Like a 17 year old prince. When I "opened myself up", and those threads began to cover me, it was like...if you think of how the Holy Spirit feels in worship, how you feel that small flame in your heart...imagine that coming out of every pore in your body and completely covering you in this glorious, radiant fire, and you becoming that fire.

I seemed to radiate a halo of some sort, not over my head, but more like an aura or a glow all around me. It was weak, as if it had just started to be, but it was there. If it had a feel or an aura, I couldn't tell what it was.

The gray mist I had thought was just a dream, but in this experience I knew it to be the boundary between the physical and spiritual world in some way. This is where the Greys, the aliens, stay. They are spirits that can become flesh.

When I was in the room, trying to cause the Holy Spirit to act like an "earthquake"...it was like a fire again, and I was trying to make it spread out all across the floor. It felt like I was concentrating, and that the Spirit flew from me down onto the ground, but that after it traveled a little way, my concentration failed and the Spirit dissipated.

Feeling that flow through you is unbelievable. Absolute ecstasy. Raising my arms and flinging them down...it felt like this build-up of this warmth, this kind of embrace, flowing up and building in intensity, and when I flung my arms down and released it, it was like...a sonic boom almost. Like you shouted or something.

I don't know anything about that dart other than what I said above.

I had no idea who this grey was. I had never seen him before. I believe someone sent him against me, but I don't know who.

Don't know what else to say. Absolutely awesome.

But this was just the first attempt against me.

 

[K9Guardian]

Lord, please do not let me succummb to envy...

You know, David, it kind of makes me ache to think that I've got that kind of body top, inside this crippled, deaf one, and I can't access it at this time...

And at the same time, 'm afraid of that line of thought...

 

[K9Guardian]

I apologize.