Just some things...

[Chocolatesa]

My spiritual life had evidently become a serious threat to somebody.

Brace yourselves...

...But this was just the first attempt against me.

When did that happen??? And weren't you trying to avoid going out of your body?

When I first started reading this post, I laughed when you said "brace yourselves" because I thought to myself, ok, of all the things he's told us so far, and now he's telling us to brace ourselves?!? What on earth is he gonna tell now??!? lol.

 

[K9Guardian]

Okay, my skepticism is back in gear...

You realize this part sounds like something out of a superhero show, right?

 

[Kol]

I know exactly what it sounds like. What can I do? Who Wants to Be a Superhero *was* on around that time...

The entire original message, without the detailed descriptions:

I can never sleep at night. Mostly I think this is because I've worked the midnight shift for the past 7 or 8 years, although the scientists at the discovery channel assure me that humans can't get used to working the night shift. Since scientists said it, I find I must assume that they're right and I'm wrong, but nevertheless, *I could not stay asleep last night.*

So finally, I put on a self-hypnosis CD and lay down to go to sleep(these CDs usually just knock me out.) This was at maybe 6 or 6:30 this morning. I got *really* relaxed, felt my body falling asleep, and soon the only thing I was aware of was my breathing.

When I came to, I was in a dream. In the dream, it was morning, but dark-not really nighttime, but dark as if it were. (Seems a contradiction, but it was a *dream*). I came in to my grandpa's house from the guest room, and was going to pop some food in the microwave because I was hungry. As i was waiting for the food, I wandered towards the hallway leading to the rest of the house, and heard my grandpa say "oh no" in his sleep.

At this point, I became afraid that he was having a nightmare and called out to him, to wake him up. In the dream, he was a light sleeper and immediately told me he was okay. I heard my grandmother call out to him from another room to check on him, and I tried to walk nearer to his room to make sure he was alright. But I wasn't able to *go* any further. I couldn't walk out of the kitchen.

At this point, I realized it was a dream and began to struggle to wake up, because I *did not* like where the dream was going.

I woke up in my bed, having never really been in the house. And I couldn't move. I could feel myself in the bed but was stuck in my dreamstate, unable to move. So i started to struggle, and became aware of an "alien" near me. Not physically near me, but I think near me in another way-i don't know, like a ghost maybe. So I called out to Christ, and started to try to focus on that image, that feeling. I was able to move my head from side to side in some absurd manner, and after a second, found i could move my feet and my legs, but I couldn't get up or wake up all the way. I was awake but couldn't wake up all the way. I could hear the hypnosis cd repeating in the background, could hear the birds chirping, so on. But I couldn't get up.

So I focused on this alien. When the ordeal started, I had the idea he was above me, trying to harm me in some way. Now it seemed like he was further away, not in any real direction, just in whatever world or way or psychedelic manner he was originally from. So I concentrated more on the image of Jesus/the Spirit and tried to go after the alien.

In my mind, he looked like a dark color of a gray, and he was wearing some sort of black suit. Sometimes you'll see a picture of "the greys" or zetas or whatever with silver space suits...well, his was black. He seemed about 5 ft tall.

So I tried to chase after him(none of this really made sense to me when I woke up, though it was completely logical at the time), and came to an area where there were other aliens in a kind of gray fog. I felt then like I was holding wolves off with a torch, by this sort of flame/spirit I had within me. I kept concentrating on Jesus, his spirit, and trying to-I don't know, "broadcast" it over to the alien, which he *really* didn't seem to like so well. And the grey in black kept running. I wanted to chase after him, but it occured to me not to, or else something might *really* be happening at the house.

The alien out of my mind, i easily woke up. I went into the house, and both my grandpa and grandmother were awake and watching their bitter television judge shows. It was exactly 8 am.

Weird.

I woke up mad, convinced that hypnosis was created by alien nazi scientists solely for the purpose of abducting people, and ticked off over the fact that I thought those losers had learned to leave me alone. But I'd never dreamt about an alien in black clothes before.

Again, Weird.

When I had been at Sony, there had been some kind of ghost in the plant. I heard this when I first started there, (even before I realized it was the science lab) and didn't believe it. It's hard for me to believe in supernatural things, because I've experienced the real thing firsthand. But there was indeed a dead human being in this place.

Not wanting it near me, I tried praying and repeating scriptures, but it always came back. So I had the idea to try to affect it with my own emotions, because of two things: one was indeed a fantasy book I'd read. The second was something Arnold Murray had once said about influencing people with the Holy Spirit while preaching. So I tried it, only in a negative way. And it worked. This spirit didn't like it, and this made me think back to how I hadn't liked it when I first met Murray. But really this sounds like a cheesy LoTR spinoff because that's the way I was seeing things. I didn't know how to attack this thing, and so I did what I did. My memory of how to fight in a spiritual body evidently died with the revenant I'd become.

When I chased this alien in my OBE, i didn't know how to fight it, and this was the only thing I could think to do.

This happened on October 15th at 8am. That's the date of the above post on the other website.

And yes, I had been trying to stay in my body. I was struggling to do just this, and seem to have finally 'snapped out of it', out of that thinking, and just rolled out of my body, something I could never seem to get to work. Evidently I had been able to get it to work, and had been doing it for years. But I don't remember any of it. The second I was in my spiritual body, it was like...like trying to play "you can't touch the floor" as a kid. That would have been like trying to stay in my flesh body. Well this alien was interrupting me, trying to push me as i jumped from the blanket tossed down, to the chair, to the clothes basket. So coming out of my body here was like saying 'to hell with it', walking across the bedroom floor into the living room, kicking his backside, then coming back to stand on that blanket as if nothing ever happened.

When I woke up in my flesh body, it seemed the Holy Ghost was dampened inside. It would be like trying to express a Rembrandt or a Picasso with Crayola crayons.

And yeah, prepare yourselves, because my "great big secret" is nearby. The theologians would have a field day with it. Preachers would argue over whether it's even possible. The historians would refute it, and even toss down their Indiana Jones hats, because they would have to quit their jobs and start all over. Biblical archeologists would no doubt walk away over it. History would have to be rewritten. Darwin would turn over in his tomb. Tolkien would tell me it stretched the imagination. Everyone else would simply not believe, and those that did would be horrified.

Meh, maybe I'll get to it.

Seriously though, I know how all this sounds. What can I do?

 

[Kol]

I dreamed one night that I was attacked by my old spirit guide from California.

I was at home, and I was talking to my sister Ashley. The spirit guide was somehow causing problems, and in the dream he looked completely human: a tall, thin man with very black hair, cut kinda short and sticking up in the back, and a close-cut black beard. He was hurt, and extremely so, because he had attacked me, I had hurt him, and he was not as strong as he had once been. The days of California and the science lab were far over.

I began to chase after him, and he ran.

I chased him somehow to my old shop in California, and he had to turn and face me. He was afraid but very mad. He wanted to hurt me for what I had done to him. The truth was, if he had simply let me go when I first tried to become Christian, none of this would ever have happened. He wouldn't have been in pain and weak, and we wouldn't have to be fighting again. Ordinarily he would have been stronger than me, but as I said, he was somehow weakened.

I remember realizing as I stood there looking at him that in some way, he had once been my brother, and a long, long time ago we had almost loved each other as such.

And it hurt me then, because you can only imagine how it feels to have to kill someone you once loved. There were a lot of feelings...mostly I think I just wanted him gone, to not have to think about it anymore. And then this.

We began to wrestle and to really fight it out, and in the dream, God somehow gave me the strength to win. I remember finally sitting on top of my old brother, hitting him, and he was just laying there because he was too weak to get up.

I then stole his clothes and started to walk away, leaving my old shop.

And something in the dream told me that my spirit guide would wander around with nothing to his name until the end of the world from now on.

...

 

[Kol]

At Christmas, my uncle Jim came out to visit, and so there were now five of us here:

my grandpa
my grandmother
my uncle Jim
my cousin Brittany
...and myself.

It quickly became apparent that Jim did not like Brittany.

Brittany was using my grandmother. She was my grandma's baby, and she exploited that. Brittany was also struggling with drugs, and all Jim saw was the drug use. Brittany was not a bad girl, just caught up in the world, trying perhaps to see an escape.

http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n233/TinyMage/DSCN00262.jpg
http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n233/TinyMage/DSCN00242.jpg

The one with the dark hair. Not my pics; she left these on the computer by accident.

One day, my cousin borrowed my grandmother's car and didn't bring it home when she said she would. My uncle was very upset, more so than my grandmother, because he felt that Brittany was *using* my grandmother. My grandmother finally got Brittany on her cell phone and let me talk to her. After being very nice and pleading with her, my cousin finally brought the car back.

I sat here on my grandmother's computer, listening to the three "grownups" discuss my cousin and just kids in general, in the living room.

So about 7pm or so, my cousin returned the car. I sat here, across from the front door, but my back was to both it and the living room. It's kind of an alcove..you can see everything, but only if you turn around...which I didn't do. So I could hear, but not see what was happening as my cousin pulled into the yard. I sat here listening to everyone outside.

I heard car doors slam and my grandmother said something too low for me to catch. My uncle then walked back *in* the house; I wasn't aware he had left. He went into the kitchen, where I guess he picked something up-maybe his cell phone. He walked past me, back outside.

Sitting here, typing at the computer, I had one of *those* moments, those psychic moments. I lost focus for a second and forgot what I had been doing; I was seeing/experiencing something else. I felt a warmth, a tipsiness...like a tottering. Then I felt an impression of my uncle. I sensed muscles, height, and his inward stance...him. Then I felt a spirit-it wasn't an entity, but a spirit, like a complex of feeling and emotion-*enter* my uncle's body from his back. Instantly, I felt my uncle's anger flare up. This spirit incited it. It felt like a fire had just WHOOSHed up from the base of his spine. Then, physically, I heard him shout: "you are a guest in this house..." to my cousin.

I do not drink, have never been drunk or tried *any* alcohol outside of communion. I found out later though, that my uncle had been drinking that day. This must have been the warmth and tottering feeling I sensed. In the experience, I felt that his inebbriation gave that spirit the chance to so affect him. It threw down the gates, so to speak.

Again, it didn't feel like a human/other, just a blind spirit...like an animal or "element" almost. But I couldn't swear to that because my contact with it was so fleeting.

Whatever it was, it was something connected to the earth.

Just something I should have paid more attention to at the time. I just didn't know what to make of it. But the dream about there being snakes in the yard...this is what that dream had been warning me of.

There were a lot of evil spirits here, and I just didn't realize it.

 

[Kol]

Work began to pick up, and I was moved to the back gate, where the trucks came in.

I had originally planned to go to school in January. I'd moved from Carrollton in June, thought to work until November or so, then taken the money I'd have made and move back to Georgia. The problem was, most of the jobs in Yuma are seasonal. It all depends on harvest times, and so I didn't get a job until late. On top of this, everything back home had cost me three months and i had gone into debt. I had lawyers suing me for my old bills, and a ticket from speeding home to get to my sister. Finally my grandmother had given me the money I'd needed. Otherwise I'd have had a bench warrant for my arrest in Texas for the ticket.

I sat in a run-down shack in the middle of nowhere, waving trucks in day and night by myself. Most of the drivers were on drugs, and one or two were painfully obvious. The second week at the truck gate, a driver had left his lot lizard (prostitute) at my gateshack, and I had to deal with her. She wanted to get back to Colorado, and was unable to comprehend that the driver had ditched her five steps north of Mexico.

None of the workers spoke english, and I could not speak spanish enough to hold a conversation.

I didn't even have the money to order food or buy my own soap or shampoo. I was living on charity. I meekly asked my grandmother to buy me some granola bars so I could eat at work. What i got back was like pressed wood. Since I now worked at the truck gate, I didn't have a microwave. There was one in the break room but I could only use it on weekends, because the workers didn't like security using their things, and they worked all during the week.

Brittany eventually went back home, and Jim left. My aunt Joyce came to stay, and I was moved from the guest room to an old RV in the yard. The previous owner had died in it. My grandmother told me if I couldn't bring myself to sleep in it, I could sleep in the living room, but a dead human, even if he was still around, is small potatoes to me.

There was an air mattress, but I deflated this and began to sleep on my old sleeping bag, right next to the television and the spot where the old man had supposedly died. It had happened five years before; he had learned he had diabetes, and just didn't care. He never took his shots, and the disease killed him.

If he was there, I never saw him.

The other guards at work talked to me sometimes, and they were all married with four or five kids. Some had begun to have grandkids. They weren't much older than I was, in their late thirtees or early fourties.

I didn't have any OBEs or bizarre experiences. Everything was normal, and I was thankful because that's how life is supposed to be. I chatted online about games, tea, and aliens, and downloaded anime to watch at night. I went to a swing in the back yard and watched the stars at night, while talking to my Father.

Peaceful...but it was beginning to get a little boring.

 

[Kol]

I had been calling my friend Jason on a regular basis, but he answered less and less. He eventually told me he'd met a girl online and was always talking to her.

He called me one day to admit he'd had unprotected sex with her, and that she had moved in with him because she had just graduated from high school.

After this, I didn't really have anyone to talk to. Jason stopped calling, and if I called him I got his gf, because she kept his phone now while he was at work.

Work was slow, and so I began to take my laptop to play computer games. When I got home, I had nothing to do but the same thing.

My grandpa and grandmother watched Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, and the People's Court, then Matlock. At night they watched CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, and Law and Order.

I began to despise the American legal system.

My grandmother babied me. She bought me fruit cups with plastic spoons to take to work. Chocolate fudge poptarts. Not having anything else to take, I brought these with me to eat, but they were so sweet they made me sick. I would have given anything for a thick slab of steak and a steaming potato. I got frosted poptarts and leftover Christmas cookies.

I hated bar soap, but I didn't have any money and that was all i had to use. I missed having my own washer and dryer, my own detergent and my own things in general. I no longer had my own restroom, but had to use the one near my grandmother's room.

My grandmother became convinced that using a computer "all night" would somehow break it, and since I couldn't get on the internet on my own, I couldn't download the codecs to watch my saved anime. This now limited my recreation to reading or my gamecube. I had three games: Metroid 1, Metroid 2, and the Narnia game, which was Disney. I hadn't brought that many things out with me, because I'd only planned to be here for 3 months. It had already gone long past that.

I went to the used bookstore in town when I could, but my truck's registration had expired, and the county was giving me problems with a new one because I had Arizona insurance, and they wanted to inspect my truck. I had to drive my grandmother's tiny car, and so I couldn't use it but for work.

My college called, asking for $200 for a deposit. I didn't have it.

I went to the kitchen to have a cup of coffee one day, to find it was freezing cold in the pot. My grandmother explained she kept it that way and warmed it in the microwave. I refused to do this, and had to keep myself from saying something too smart.

I hadn't talked to anyone on the phone for a while. Amanda wasn't on drugs anymore, but never answered. Ashley's boyfriend wouldn't let her talk to people he hadn't met, and she allowed him to stop her. My mom was staying with her abusive bf Robert. He smashed her head into a wall and threatened to kill her more than once. She was usually too drunk for me to talk to.

I thought about Kaitlin back home and wondered what she was doing...

 

[Kol]

I seemed to remember a time in California when I'd wanted to be alone, but now things had reversed themselves.

I realized I had no friends.

I thought back to my time in California, and about all the things I'd seen and done. I wondered why God had rescued me, and why He had bothered. What point was there to my life? I was alone, and it was evidently going to stay that way...why did I even bother staying with Him?

I shook these thoughts off as best I could, and tried to concentrate on work.

It really seemed though, that God wasn't taking care of me. I was alone. Everyone else who lived in the world and in a worldly mindset easily reached out and took what they wanted. I didn't even have a friend to call and talk to.

I thought about it, and decided that it was just another stage in life. Close friends that you always hang out with are a part of childhood. The days of staying up until 3 in the morning playing video games were over with. Everyone had grown up and started families. The guys I worked with were all married with kids. Even Jason, the quietest person I knew, now had a girlfriend. He was having sex on a regular basis too, and that was why I no longer got to talk with him.

I thought back to the whole scenario with Kaitlin. Why in the world had God been so ready to kill me at the first mistake I'd made? Forget all that garbage about spirit guides and aliens. That was in the past. The present was me with God, and the fact was He was not letting me take a wrong step once. The bhm had even seemed to have sympathy, but not God. Why?

But I kept myself in check. I had become God's slave, and willingly, because I really and truly believed in Him. He was my master, because what He was had completely mastered me. If He wanted to beat me and abuse me, so be it. That was fair.

I tried to play Metroid again. This time I only used the plasma beam against the space pirates, not the ice beam. I posted on Gamefaqs, chatting on the forums about the game.

It occured to me that while i was fighting "space pirates" with a "plasma beam" and talking with 13 year olds online about video games, Jason was having sex with a beautiful 18 year old. Everyone else went home to someone at night. I was stuck with elves and "the fairy flute, stolen by the evil Ice Queen."

My friend at work asked me if I thought the girl who worked in the lab was cute. I'd only seen her once, and said I didn't know.

Once I needed to run to the restroom at work, and called for the other guard, my relief. He didn't answer. A few minutes later, he came around the corner, claiming his radio had been off. Beside him was the female guard we worked with. She wouldn't look at me, and I wondered if the two had been fooling around somewhere. Something was definitely wrong.

I watched television at night, shows I didn't really like, but there was nothing else on. In the daytime I worked, signing in one drugged driver after another. Few of them spoke english as a first language..french canadians, men from the Ukraine, and mexican delivery drivers.

And so I stuggled on, by myself...

 

[K9Guardian]

It would. for you.

I think I'll rest safely under Jesus' sanctuary. Life is just fine for me without evil spirit guides or sinister grey aliens.

 

[Kol]

I decided then that God didn't want me to be married.

Kids were not that great. There was a bigger calling to some peoples' lives, and that was evidently the case with me. If I had a family, it would tie me down, and be nearly impossible to support while in school. School was the most important thing. So a family would have to be let go, because it would only get in the way.

I looked like a little kid, and all my friends had always told me this. There was certainly nothing dangerous or impressive about me, not in any way. Kaitlin and Sara had been attracted to me, but only after they got to know me. Sandra had only liked me because she'd met me online first. I thought it was good that she'd been able to still like me after seeing what I was really like.

I tried working out, but it was a joke, because I was a small, thin guy lifting weights. I would have much preferred running, but there were no tracks in the area.

The only person I had to talk to was my grandmother, but I really needed someone my own age.

I wondered how Jason was doing, and despite all, I tried to call him. His girlfriend answered and promised she'd have him call me back...but I never heard from him.

One of the other guards had been in training to be a catholic priest, but was kicked out for having sex with a nun. We joked together, because he was into fantasy books and movies. He told me though, that almost all of the priests and nuns sneak around their vows and have sex with people in secret. The only difference was that he'd been caught, and although it wasn't fair, it didn't bother him anymore, because that's just the way things were. Besides, he was married now and happy, and that old life seemed like nothing more than a dream now.

It seemed to me that everyone was married, everyone had a family. I tried watching preaching, but the only thing on was televangelists and catholic priests. I somehow didn't much care for the priests anymore.

I sat in my guardshack and tried to eat my pressed-wood granola bars. If I took turns between those and the poptarts, my stomach wouldn't clutch up from all the sugar. It was too hot to keep a soda cold, so I had water all day, which was good for you anyway. There was an am/fm radio in the shack, but most of the channels were in spanish. My choice was country music, which I hated, Christian music, which I hated, or the oldies station. I learned who Lawrence Whelk was, because my grandmother let me watch that with her on Tuesday nights.

My cousin Brittany had evidently thought she was pregant, but the news got around that she wasn't after all. Her sister Jennifer was pregnant again. My brother's kid was now half a year old.

I read online that celibacy purified you, that it cleansed your mind. I tried to immerge myself in the scriptures, but couldn't find anything to calm me.

I feel like I don't have what I want in life, but that everyone else does. Sara has her degree now. Jason has his perfect girl. My cousins are all married and have kids of their own. Meanwhile, I live in an old trailer in the middle of the desert...

I'm happy with who I've become, but somehow I still feel like a little kid. Everyone else has their husband or their wife, their 2.5 kids, a nice apartment, a new car, and they are happy. Religion doesn't seem such a grave, life-altering thing to others, but I know it for what it is. So no matter what ever happens to me, I'll be confident because I understand, more than they do, what I have been given.

Things were getting extremely tough for me.

I began to dream about having orgies, sex parties in some type of emerald-colored shower room. There were men there, and women, and everyone would have sex with everyone else. I was the host of these parties, and I would go around, making sure everyone was entertained and taken care of. Some of it was domination, and the women would dress up to suit the part. A great deal of it was experimenting, trying anything and everything, to see what would bring everyone the most pleasure. There was no hesitation for the men to have sex with the other men, and for the women to violate the men in this way either. Some of the men would dress themselves as women, IIRC, and some others liked to play the parts of the women. It would be someone's turn, and a dozen other people would swarm all over them like demons, to dig themselves into lust and ecstacy, and see how strong they could make someone's [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. And I would join in, and have sex with anyone and everyone, and see how far I could push someone and see how far I myself could be pushed.

Dreams from California. I began to have them again, and woke up mouthing obscenities.

Extremely frustrated, I finally gave up and started to watch the leftover porn on my laptop, what I had downloaded while in North Carolina and when I'd first moved to Woodglen.

It hit me hard, to see so much carnality and lust all at once. It made me want someone so badly, it seemed to *break* something inside of me, in my heart. In some way I felt I'd died again. I watched amateur porn, things people had recorded in their own houses...I saw people take absolute pleasure in each other, and it killed me, because everyone else had someone and I didn't. I was alone, unlike most of the other people I knew.

The thought occured to me that God wanted me like this, because He expected more of me than others. He needed something done, and he needed me alone to do it.

The file I'd watched was a home movie, and the woman sat in front of the camera to smile and say something to everyone who would watch.

There was a veil over myself as well, and it kept me from seeing anything in front of me for what it really was. There was an eye in the center of my forehead, and it was about a single slit away from becoming completely closed. Once that closed I knew I would be blind, and then I would lay down and die, because that's what I was meant to do.

There was a film over my physical eyes, and not over them but over the remains of what had been Adam's spiritual side. This film had begun to dissolve, as if acid had been poured into the center of them, and looking through them, everything looked completely different. It made me feel different, and it was a trap because everything seen through those eyes was a false image with no real basis but the fallen nature.

Those eyes into my carnal side were ripped completely open, and that was now all I could see.

My mind was not thinking. It was..closed. I couldn't tell what the back of my mind, my subconcious, was doing. Instead, I had an almost animalistic awareness, and that was all. I could have held an ordinary conversation, sat and sipped tea, or discussed the finer points of the fall of British Imperialism. But my awareness, my higher consiousness, was gone. Not just asleep-I had no contact with it. There was a wall between me and it, and that hadn't happened for a long, long time.

My spiritual eyes weren't closed completely like that night at Woodglen, but my flesh ones were most certainly opened. I'd struggled since leaving California to keep myself in a spiritual mindset, but that was now all over. If I had wanted to "purify" myself, I had failed.

And i tried desperately to hold things together, but this was not working like I wanted it to.

 

[Kol]

I didn't completely lose my mind. I felt like blaming God or life in general, but I refused. I tried to focus on myself, on my self-control, my calmness and resolve. It was extremely difficult. I was calm, I was relaxed, and things were all completely normal. I just..felt like gritting my teeth. I was very frustrated.

I couldn't stand to watch the pornography, because it just made things worse.

I had Kaitlin's old number but refused to call because that was pathetic. I refused to call Sara, or Melissa either, though she had given me her number before I left Carrollton. I thought to myself that I wasn't supposed to have succeeded in fighting off Kaitlin, and that this was why I was in so much torment.

Stuck in a carnal mindset, I could feel my attitude and outlook changing in all those little ways. I started thinking about getting a tattoo. When I'd left Carrollton, I'd had a dream that an evil snake was in my front yard. It was ghostly white and blue, as big as an oak tree, and so long it made me want to wretch. It's face was ungodly. I thought maybe I would get this on my back, to symbolize what I couldn't see but knew was there.

There were no girls for me to talk to and I was basically climbing the walls.

I knelt down at night and prayed to Jesus. I told him everything I was going through and that I was *really* having a tough time. But I knew that I still had half a year before school started. If I even wanted to make new friends, just somebody to talk to, doing so was half a year away.

I told my boss at work I was having problems trying to maintain my Christian celibacy. He told me prostitutes in Mexico were only $5. I shook this off; I would *never* go to a prostitute. No matter the pain or angst, I would remain as I was, because Christ was more important than I was, and I was not afraid to die; after all, I already had died, and not once, but several times, each time I crucified myself for him.

I tried to do just this again, but what I was feeling wasn't the fallen nature of my old spirit..it was just my flesh nature, which I was stuck with until death.

I was calm and quiet, but struggling because I was isolated in the desert with nothing and no one...

 

[Kol]

And then came the night that Jason finally called me back.

I had been dreaming. Having nightmares about some very vague thing. My cell phone was on the table near my bed, and it suddenly rang. Because of the dream, I was on edge, and with the phone ringing at just that moment, it shocked me, because I heard it in my sleep.

I woke up in an instant, but somehow I seem to have woken the spiritual part of my mind up first.

There were demons all around me, in real life, around my person. They were inside my trailer and outside of it, hanging in the air, huge clouds, giant spirits, come to hurt me as much as they could. They were the same ones from my original dream in Carrollton, the ones who came to destroy my family. They were the ones from my dream of Ashley. They were like clouds. There were 8 or 9 of them, and since this many couldn't attack a single target en masse, they were taking turns, circling around me and lunging at me. Because I lived, ate, and breathed the Holy Spirit, they couldn't come inside my being very much if at all. My tiny prayers at night had kept me from that, my time of sitting out at night spending time with the Lord in my swing. But they had knocked me down and were trying their best to rip into me. Their one goal was pain and hurt. To see how miserable they could make me.


The spirits of the giants shall be like clouds, which shall oppress, corrupt, fall, content, and bruise upon earth.

They shall cause lamentation...they shall be concealed, and shall rise up against the sons of men, and against women...

This is exactly what they were doing to me.

To wake up and see a vision of a giant, a monster, near you...but to see nearly a dozen, all focused on you?

Sitting here, typing at the computer, I had one of *those* moments, those psychic moments. I lost focus for a second and forgot what I had been doing; I was seeing/experiencing something else. I felt a warmth, a tipsiness...like a tottering. Then I felt an impression of my uncle. I sensed muscles, height, and his inward stance...him. Then I felt a spirit-it wasn't an entity, but a spirit, like a complex of feeling and emotion-*enter* my uncle's body from his back. Instantly, I felt my uncle's anger flare up. This spirit incited it. It felt like a fire had just WHOOSHed up from the base of his spine. Then, physically, I heard him shout: "you are a guest in this house..." to my cousin.

Whatever it was, it was something connected to the earth.

Just something I should have paid more attention to at the time. I just didn't know what to make of it. But the dream about there being snakes in the yard...this is what that dream had been warning me of.

There were a lot of evil spirits here, and I just didn't realize it.

This had most likely been one of them with my uncle at Christmastime.

I shook these thoughts off as best I could, and tried to concentrate on work.


But I kept myself in check. I had become God's slave, and willingly, because I really and truly believed in Him. He was my master, because what He was had completely mastered me. If He wanted to beat me and abuse me, so be it. That was fair.

They had tried to get me to curse God, and although that had failed, they had been able to make me miserable by affecting my flesh body and giving me the thoughts that I would always be like this.

"You'll always be alone."
"God wants you like this."
"God doesn't take care of you."

And on and on, and I was being attacked but didn't know how to stop it.

 

[K9Guardian]

Smile and wave, then say, "Can I have some more, please?"

 

[Kol]

Right. As CS Lewis said, never taunt those weaker than you; only those stronger than you, and then do so often.

This was crushing, this depression. It occured to me that a demon's favorite weapon is truth. I've never seen a demonic spirit toss people around like they do in the movies, though I don't doubt it can happen. These spirits, I could feel them, could almost sense their thoughts. They seemed like low-brow bullies, monstrous butchers. The dream with my sister convinced me easily that they had a sick, twisted nature.

When I was locked into things in California, I had willingly accepted another spirit because that one had at least possessed (okay, not a good choice of words) had at least shown a few good qualities. He was, in his own way, desireable. The mystique and other-worldliness, as dark and tainted as it was, had been attractive for me then. It was, in my fallen mind, something worth having.

There was absolutely nothing worth having about these things. Even for someone engaged in witchcraft and new age, if I had still been in those things, these spirits were plain worthless. As a Christian then, they were beyond repulsive. They were ugly, grotesque, and disgusting.

And they were incredibly strong. Nothing I could do seemed to stop what I was feeling. I couldn't even think, because my mind was open only to earthly things. They had even been able to change that, the way I thought, the way I saw things. If my commitment to God and Christ Jesus had been anything less than what it was, I would not have even survived, symbollically speaking.

Everyone was cut off from me, I was locked in a closet of a desert with nothing and nobody, and injected with this desire which could not be fulfilled. No glory, no saving face..I was having an extremely difficult time at all this.

There was only so much I could do.

 

[Kol]

I had been in a severe depression then, for at least 6 or 7 months. I now knew why, but there was nothing I could think of do end it.

I tried to start using my normal defenses. I bought incense, and burned this at night as I played Black Sabbath and watched television. I slept whenever I could. I changed around my "room" and tried to make everything as cozy as I could. Blankets everywhere, candles and cologne, tea and chocolate, and anime whenever I could manage. I began to sneak in at night to watch videos on my grandmother's computer; she eventually gave up and dealt with it. My uncle had left his own RV here, and I began to climb up to the top of it at night to get a better view of the stars.

I continued to walk out to the swing at night and talk with God.

The problem was, I couldn't think. If I allowed myself to, my mind went to sex, plain and unadorned. I refused to think about other people and the lives they had. It did me no good. They were there, and I was here, and that's the way things were, and I had to deal with it. I drugged my mind with tea and incense, having a cup at my side and a bit of incense burning all night long. I found a version of Sabbath's Planet Caravan online, set to fractal geometry, and tried to let my mind escape into this.

One of the greatest books ever released is The Emperor's Handbook, which is Marcus Aurelius's Meditations, retranslated. I read this when I could, and the stoic philosophy did its best to help me. I was always free as long as I kept my mind free, it said, because a man can always escape into this, the one thing he truly possesses-his thoughts.

Seek your true strength, which always lies within.

Everything that happens is but a seed of what may be.

Here is the rule to remember in the future, When anything tempts you to be bitter: not, ''This is a misfortune'' but ''To bear this worthily is good fortune.''

I did my best to cling to these things, and claw my way up, back out of this pit.

And one of the things I did was to look for a Christian forum, where I could gain a bit of fellowship, because I had not been able to go to church in a long time...

 

[Kol]

I was fighting not one, but 8 different evil spirits. All joking aside, a demon is not something to mess with; this had me crippled with depression. All I could do was survive, and that's what my days had become. Work and surviving.

I had dreams of aliens attacking me. I'd come out of new age and occult practices, where I remembered leaving my body and entering other peoples'. I had memories of things that had happened before I was born, and had seen my friends and family in celestial bodies before any of us were on this earth.

Ghosts, demons, aliens and devils. Memories of leaving my physical body and (as you so aptly put it) being a superhero, fighting "evil". Memories of things before I even had a physical body.

I was horribly depressed, and I wanted to know why. Why was my life like this, why always halfway in and halfway out of reality?

And this was my thinking when I began to post here, back in January of this year.

As uncomfortable as it was blazing out that I was an angel before I was born, I did so because I was desperate for someone to tell me what was going on. I thought maybe there would be a preacher or pastor who could say, "oh yeah, that's rare but it happens, this is why". I thought there might be some kind of Catholic priest like in the vampire movies, who sits quietly and has the inside information on why I was so open and attune to the spiritual world.

Why did these things affect me so?

...

 

[Chocolatesa]

You know I was just thinking, and I remembered hearing about a lady that woke up from a coma once with an english accent, yet she had never even been to england in her life. I was reminded of this when I was thinking about the story of the 3 pennies.

 

[Kol]

Pre-Existence Memories

Topic.

I have several memories of being in heaven before I was born. I never "remembered" these; I have just never forgotten them.

I have looked *all* across the internet for similar experiences, but all I get are new age reincarnation sites.

I do not believe I've been previously "carnated." What I'm looking for are memories of life either as a baby before birth, or a spiritual existence before being born.

If you have stories, please post them.

I would not discuss this with people, as they will not be able to comprehend it and only proceed to confuse you further. You need to look WITHIN and you will find your answers...

(I had those too ever since I was a baby, my favourite one is of the Father and and he's smiling...)

Mine are all mostly bad! I wasn't a very good "person" and I remember arguing with Him. I remember being very sad.

(And people who look like us but glow and alot of soldiers with gold and titanium armor and I'm mostly with them...it looks almost futuristic...)

Yes, what I remember, parts of it seemed castle-ish and other parts seemed futuristic. I remember wearing "armor", but it was a part of me somehow, tied to either my emotions or actions.

I *have* looked within and I have remembered all I can remember. But still it makes me sad, because I'm remembering something that doesn't exist in the same way any more. I know the people I knew then/there, and they're not the same here on earth.

I posted this topic because I thought if I found other people who also remembered heaven, it might make me feel a little less homesick.

The user I quoted deleted her post soon after. She claimed she remembered living in a castle on earth, and that there had been a lot of soldiers. Some of the people glowed, and although it was in a castle, a lot of it looked futuristic.

Another poster claimed she remembered being breathed out of the mouth of God as she was created. She remembered her Father, and He was smiling and explaining to her how much He loved her.

But I didn't remember this. I remembered Sara and Amanda, and Glenn and Derek. Derek hated me, and Glenn didn't care about anyone. Sara alone believed in me, and I didn't remember *here* why I was such a horrible person.

My life here had gone sour when I failed out of military tech school. I had spent my time with a girl named Heather and didn't study for my tests. I failed out and since then had been trying to put my life back together. But these were earthly things, and I couldn't figure out from them how they related to my celestial self.

maybe your not supposed to remember after all

This sounds awfully similar to the belief of the Church of Jesus Christ Later Day Saints.

I would be really careful here...you are getting into teaching that is against the Bible. Reincarnation is a lie from the enemy and so are the "memories" of past lives. Please carefully pray about this.

Again, I explained that I wasn't talking about reincarnation, but pre-existence.

I remember being-something extremely powerful, like a force of nature or something akin to the roman thought of a "god." I don't know if I was an "angel", but I was a son of God. I was poisoned by sin, and dying. I was very weak from this. I was going to be born, and there were others with me, following me, who were going to do the same. A man with blonde hair told me that He (God, not this man) would make a way for me to "try to help set things right." He explained Jesus to me, and I told him I thought the idea of "God's son" was lame. He asked if I was going to rebel again, and I told him 'no', but that I couldn't just forget everything that had happened. At no time did I speak with God, though I felt He was listening.

I believe the Bible says that man is appointed to live but once then die...I'll have to look the verse up. But I know this is not what you are talking about.

One thing we can say from what the Bible says is that Jesus's spirit was in Heaven from the beginning, long before He was placed on earth as a man. This is more in line with what you are talking about. You aren't claiming that you lived a life, went to Heaven, then were put back on earth. You are asking about your spirit existing in Heaven prior to being placed in a body on earth.

This is something I've wondered at as well...I really can't say that I've ever come to any conclusions about it. The Bible has some pretty clear evidence that this was the case with Jesus. But the rest of us aren't Jesus. I'm not familiar with the Bible mentioning anything about anyone else's spirit existing in Heaven prior to being placed in a body on earth. That doesn't mean its not there, it means I'm not familiar with it. I'm interested to see if anyone can support this one way or the other. Interesting topic!

I wasn't going to answer your topic... Well, maybe I was going to ask if you, or your immediate family had been involved in the occult at any time. I didn't answer, but then I saw another of your posts which says you were involved in the occult for about 10 years, and what you continue to experience.

To me your whole story sounded like the fallen angels which did rebel against God... There are such things as "familiar spirits" which of course know about this past / your family's past too. Those spirits can of course make you think it was you. (To me), this is certainly not of God.

I don't know if you have spent quality time in the Word, or with God, but I would strongly urge (as your brother!) that you do, and ask God to reveal the things in your life that would still be causing the things you still experience, with repentance of the past and renewing your mind with His Word. Prayer / spending time with God can break those things off your life and allow God's truth, peace and direction to come in.

Gregged here claimed that a familiar spirit was really a fallen angel, and that it had possessed me and inserted memories. Not only did I know a familiar spirit to not be fallen angels, I also knew that fallen angels were all chained in Tartarus.

But as soon as the "occult" thing was mentioned, everyone jumped on that and went with it.

I tried to explain my understanding of the different types of "evil spirits", and mentioned UFOs. Gregged posted again:

I've always believed that aliens/UFO type things are demonic, but not looked at it much, until very recently. To be honest, I would have thought of such people as a bit la-la. But this really is a new age practice - and it's communicating with demons. You may want to look at the "Alien Abduction Crisis Centres of America"! It was started by a guy who came from the new age and UFOs etc to a born again relationship with Jesus and ministers to people who have come from that same background. It's at http://www.aaccoa.org/ Again... not so long ago I would have thought "Oh boy! What a bunch of crazies"... Sorry... but not after hearing some stories from them and how it really is demonic.

Everything was a demon, I had been possessed by a demon, and that was where all my memories came from.

I can't just say what's gone on in your life, or where you're at with God, what God's doing in your life etc... but (and it's a touchy issue) Christians can still be under the influence of demons. After all, Satan goes about seeking whom he may devour. You may want to post in the deliverance section of this forum...? I know from my life experiences that just because I want to be rid of something in life and it doesn't go even though I'm praying "Lord if it's not of you, then take it away" and it stays... it doesn't mean it's a Godly thing. It just means I need to go deeper into God. Spend quality time in prayer, Bible, worship, probably fasting etc etc. It's serious stuff being a Christian!

Oh, it's serious stuff being a Christian? I felt like I was being talked down to. I KNEW all of this stuff, and I began to realize there was nobody in the world who would have an answer, because nobody else understood things as in-depth as I did. I would really have to answer my own questions. The problem was, I wasn't sure I could do that.

Were your parents involved in the occult as far as you know, or was it brought into your home? This can be even before you were born.

Do you still hold on to any occultic material such as books, videos, anything....?

So my dreams and OBEs weren't valid, they were all implanted by demons. I never received an answer other than this. Amanda and Sara, Derek and Glenn, they had all been fallen angels, and a demon had implanted the memory of them in my mind. It was all because I wasn't really willing to let go of my occult stuff and I didn't really have Jesus in my life like I should have.

And of course, THIS always helps.

Found this article..thought it might be helpful:


http://www.watch.pair.com/eth-s.html


PRE-EXISTENCE OF SOULS

Gwen Shaw denounces in no uncertain terms the doctrine of reincarnation, but promotes a variation of it which is found in Mormon doctrine and the Jewish Kabbalah—the pre-existence of souls. Here is an example of Shaw’s complete reversal of the meaning of Scripture. She interprets Job 38:4 as God “reminding” Job of his preexistence, rather than declaring just the opposite.

“And when God saw this light He said, ‘IT”S A NEW DAY!’…It was the origin of all God’s creational works… You and I were there that day to see it, but we don’t remember. However, God tried to remind Job when He said, ‘Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? …When the morning stars sang together and all the Sons of God shouted for joy! (Job 38:4,7)’ Some day we will remember what we saw on that glorious day of splendor and beauty…” (Love, The Law of the Angels, p. 133)

To arrive at her private interpretation, Gwen Shaw disregarded the rest of verse 4: “…declare, if thou hast understanding” as well as verses 18-21 in which God put Job in his place as a later creation and not one of the “sons of the morning” or angels: “Hast thou perceived the breadth of the earth? declare if thou knowest it all… Knowest thou it, because thou wast then born? or because the number of thy days is great?” God is reminding Job of his mortality and limited knowledge, to which Job responds by acknowledging his ignorance of God’s creative act: “…therefore have I uttered that I understood not.” (Job 42:2)

In Ye Are Gods, Mormon mystic Annalee Skarin presented the same Gnostic doctrine of the pre-existence of souls as the “sparks” of the Divine Spirit or Light;


“But this great ‘Light of Truth’ or ‘Spirit of Truth’ or ‘light of Christ,’ of which we are a part, and were a part, even from the beginning (and there is no beginning, and no end), existed long before that time. For we too were with God before the works of creation began, ‘The Spirit of Truth.’… The light of life, or spark of the Divine Spirit of Christ, is the original source of our existence.” (Ye Are Gods, p. 211)

The following excerpt from Gwen Shaw’s book Going Home also indicates her belief in a pre-existence of human spirits who came to earth from Heaven.

“It was with joy that the angels accompanied our spirits from Heaven, as our spirits entered the beginning of our earthly existence when the spark of ‘God-life’ came into our as yet unformed bodies in the moment of our conception.” (Gwen Shaw, Going Home)​

A former Mormon, Jane Bleth, explains the doctrine of pre-existence as taught in Mormonism, and that humans were formerly angels and will become angels again:

“Angels to Mormons are only dead or not yet born humans. They aren’t a separate creation. We all had a pre-existence, being born in spirit form to ‘heavenly father and mother,’ Jesus being the elder son, making him our elder brother. According to how one lived in the pre-existence determines their status on earth. Lucifer and 1/3 of the spirits rebelled and can never come and gain a body, which is a must in the order of eternal progression. Adam transgressed God’s commandment in order to fulfill a greater purpose. They think there could have been no pro-creation if Adam and Eve had not eaten the forbidden fruit. All of the pre-existent spirit children needed to take up a body of flesh and bones and pass thru a period of testing in order to progress to exaltation as the ‘father’ had. God was once a man and passed thru the same progression to exaltation where he obtained his godhood with his wives, who bore all of the spirit children, who must in turn also pass thru the process to exaltation/godhood.”​

The false doctrine of the pre-existence of souls or spirits allows fallen angels to present themselves to human beings as their deceased friends, or ancestors, or famous people who have a message from God, or to present themselves as “spirit guides.” These fallen angels often present themselves as “Jesus.” This abomination is referred to in Scripture as having or consulting “familiar spirits.”

“There shall not be found among you…a consulter with familiar spirits.” Deut. 18:11​

A man or a woman who is a medium, or who has familiar spirits, shall surely be put to death; they shall stone them with stones. Their blood shall be upon them." Lev. 20:27​

 

[Kol]

Hmph. Maybe people in comas go somewhere...?

 

[Kol]

People continued to post.

Well to answer what the orignal question was that started the thread is yes. I do remember such a time. It is the first memory that I can recall and is some thing I've always been able to recall since I was young. I would talk about when I was little, would shock the family a bit. Well now to the point-

What I remember, is walking and speaking, with god, I recall that it was of some importance, but the subject, I can not remember. I remember being as a child walking with him, I recall his sandals and robe, the robe stopped just short of where the ankle bone is, I also know that I was allowed to select my family.

Some of it unintelligible:

ive got them as well. not the good kind either, im a bit ashamed of myself tbh. i was in complete blackness and i was being very arrogant (i wouldnt go as far as to say arrgueing, but it was a defo 'im better than this' attitude). and i was like 'well if ive got to have a life then i want it at the end, not the end, but near it' (i think the idea was get as far away from mans' past as i could, ohw btw im not big on the end is nigh kinda preaching. just so you know). i know i chose not to be an american. coz like everything happens in america. ohw and i chose to have asthma as well so i wouldnt smoke (but i remember that that didnt work, edit:acutlly ive just rememberd that somebody, though i cant remember who told me it wouldnt work (i started smoking when i was 15 and gave 6 months ago) and thats kinda like when i gave up trying to dictate coz i realised that i would mess it all up). i had more later on when i was about three (shortly after my first memories) and then some when i was 14 or 15(and i was back trying to dictate how my life would run its course) then nowt till i was 23 and tbh it was like being woke up just before the nightmare started. im kind of thankful, praise the lord

This wasn't a serious discussion anymore, and I wasn't getting anywhere. I tried again:

I know that there are several people who claim they also remember "heaven" and that angels helped teach them what they needed to know before they were born. This is evil. I don't know how, but it is. And I don't know why mine isn't.

Any experience you may have read or heard about...mine is different.

The city we were in-we were hiding. Other stories about people before they were born, these people are being deceived. I don't know how, tho i think I would if I were in an angelic body right now. Sadly enough, as I'm typing this, I'm in a flesh one. >_<

Strangely enough, I remember "aliens", only that's not what they were. Whatever they were, *we* were chasing them. This was what I was mainly concerned about; I remember thinking that God didn't seem to care and had other things on His mind. Now I'd take a healthy guess and say that was repentence, but Christ and resurrection was a bit beyond me at that point.

There had been several angelic kingdoms. I had been entrusted as the "father" of one of the minor ones. Not exactly a king or prince, or anything. I guess the closest thing is a "baron", a family head; the "sire". I'd messed up and got everyone killed, and somehow I'd turned myself into a horrible, horrible monster.

In the memories I have, I had defended this "land" or whatever -I don't know who against, but I remember it was *for* the "Name of God." Not "the glory of God" or anything else, it was very specific. We fought to maintain our loyalty to God and to defend "His Name." I'm not even sure what that means now. But as this being, it was very important. It's beyond me now...but as this being, I understood it.

But something happened and the next thing I know, I'm tracking down these "alien" things all by myself. They weren't the sickly gray things. They were tall, muscular, tan angelic beings.

This is where I had what I call my "knight/fountain" dream, which I'll have to get around to telling someday: it's a dream I had when I was a 9-year old. This was a dream of an angelic being-me?-deciding to follow God's advice. I still, at that point, had no faith in Jesus, if I even knew of him.

In this dream, I'd been searching for these alien things, almost as if in revenge, and no one believed me they existed, and further, no one cared because the world had been "paved over" and no one remembered what had happened.

This is rambling but I hope it's legible, if not logical.

Eventually, someone noticed what I was doing and led me to a place with tall towers which somehow shone. This has something to do with angels, not spiritual beings like what "I" was, but angels, different from man. They assigned me to something. I also met a woman from my "land" that had been destroyed. I hadn't seen her in a long time, which in these experiences, could have meant anything. I hadn't seen her since I'd messed up and ruined things. From that point on, she stayed with me.

I've met that woman here, she looked like a goofy version of the being I see in my memory.

And yes, it might amuse you but even as a fallen celestial king, those around me didn't believe in satans (the aliens).

Have you ever read the accounts of the angels and nephilim in Genesis? And maybe the further accounts of it in the Book of Enoch? If you aren't making this up...and I'm not accusing by any means, merely being cautious on my part...there are an AWFUL lot of flags being raised in your accounts that point to those stories. Nearly everything you said in this last post. I don't really want to say WHY or HOW there are so many connections. If you really are having these memories I think it would be more fitting if you read both accounts for yourself and see if you feel any connection to it. Honestly, I don't believe these memories are your own.

Again, everyone was a fallen angel. But the castle I remembered didn't have flesh people in it, we were all celestials. And at the castle, I remembered fighting for the Name of God, not anything an evil angel would do.

My kid sister, a fallen angel?! When the kid was 2, she told her pet cat that she "didn't know love could be like this."

After all I've read from you, these aren't your own thoughts. It doesn't matter if you think they're your own. Your mind and thoughts can be manipulated. Can I ask again - just remind me - how much time since coming out of the occult have you spent in the Word, in prayer, in worship... building a relationship with God? Especially as you still have occult experiences?

Your thoughts, as I said before, are from the days when the angels fell. These thoughts are not yours (imo)! Those familiar spirits!

I don't know how you can respond to being told that your memories are not your own. They were as strong to me as the ones of yesterday or of my childhood. I might as well question whether those are implanted too.

And there was nothing I could say, because everyone had made up their minds.