Just some things...

[Kol]

Let me summarize up to this point. This story is a lot of reading...there are a lot of tiny details that are important, and those details need to be fresh for everyone to understand because these things all tie in together.

At 21, I finished my 4 years in the Air Force and came back home to Carrollton, Georgia. My family had all ended up living in the nearby towns, and I moved in to split rent with a HS buddy named Jason.

In California, I had been a heavy occultist-the end result of my own efforts in life-but felt Christ calling me. I gave up control of my life to the Lord, and came home, knowing what He wanted of me but seeing no way for that thing to happen.

Once back in Georgia, I decided to visit the Shepherd's Chapel in Arkansas, where I'd been baptized two years before. I drove to Arkansas but before I made it to the actual church, had to stop for the night in Fort Smith, Arkansas, tired. That night I was visited by an evil spirit, an "angel" who had been my spirit guide, my guardian angel who I had once depended on to lead me in my life. This spirit seduced me into trying to leave my body, something I'd learned to do many years before. Going into an OBE then, I realized that I was being tricked; another spirit had picked up the job of guide and he was not of Christ at all. My spirit guide revealed this to me, and although I didn't depend on him anymore, I still believed what he showed me.

I nixed the trip and returned home. I trashed every occult or new age -related thing I had and said out loud that I had divorced myself from my old life.

Over the next three years I fought against both bad dreams and my own desires, choosing to follow Jesus as guide and Lord instead, and refusing to return to the things I had once done. My problems built up more and more, until they finally seemed to disappear. Thinking things were finally quiet, I grew a bit lax and let myself get caught in a bad relationship with potential for immorality. Before I could commit my sin though, I was visited by a completely different spiritual entity-the blonde haired man. He warned me against what I was going do, and revealed to me the entire scenario was a trap, started by the spirit in Arkansas. Knowing this, I decided to fight against the Arkansas spirit and remain true to God, without sinning against Him.

I fought and I won, but doing so wore me down beyond belief. As time went on, I had a dream that my mother and sisters were going to be killed by giants, because I had resisted my trap and refused to sin against God. Soon after, I began to feel lonely. When I heard half a dozen other people say the same, and when I saw these ordinarily happy people begin to sleep with anything that moved, I became convinced something was happening spiritually that I couldn't see. I decided I needed to perfect my relationship with God, and decided to move to Arizona and stay with my grandmother for the next 3 months to do so.

...

Doesn't this sound like some cheesy movie on the Sci-Fi channel? My life must seem a joke.

None of this was normal in any way, but it was all happening because of something I myself did. I started my own problems (if you believe the end result of this story), and having opened that door, I had to fight what was coming through it.

There was a "spirit guide" trying to advise me and lead me in my life. There was the spirit from Arkansas, which I seemed to have fought off. There supposedly giants on their way to top it all off. There was also a very tall, grayish alien my sister and mother claimed to have seen, and which I also experienced as watching me but not attacking.

And last but not least, there was a blonde-haired man.

 

[Kol]

I moved to Arizona as if it were a waypoint to the promised land. I thought it would be peaceful, but the entire time here I would end up fighting, harder than I had in a long, long time.

The things in Arizona would wrap everything up and *finally* explain to me why my life was so bizarre.

.....

The next part of this story gets pretty heavy. I want to make sure everyone understand things so far.

My great-grandmother was a dabbler, my grandmother a tarot reader. My uncle had dreams of things before they happened, and my own mother was into new age. The occult was like a family inheritance for me, as it no doubt is for many people.

My first memory was of the blonde-haired man, and of standing in a courtyard with other people, waiting to be born. Another memory before I turned 1 had me leaving my infant body to meet with the bhm in a similar place, and of having a fully-aware, spiritual mindset while in a baby's body.

Soon afterwards, I have a memory of my family being stopped in a car and abducted by "aliens" on the side of the road. After this, I became terrified of aliens, and would spend more and more of my life hiding and trying to find a way to fight this fear.

When I was about five years old, I heard a voice claiming to be God. My conversation with this voice began with it asking me whether or not I remembered it.

At seven I felt the bhm's presence as he kneeled to worship God in church. He felt massive, very protective, and very holy; a sacred guardsman somewhat. At some point near this time he spoke to me while awake, and asked if I remembered the baby OBEs. And I didn't hear anything more from him for quite a while.

My brother had night terrors, and I became deathly afraid of aliens and angels. I had a dream version of my childhood OBE, which I no longer remembered. I dreamed I was cursed and made weak, and that the bhm cried with me over this. I also dreamed about the end of the world: I would be in a castle with a beautiful woman, and monsters would become real and they would come to attack us. In the future, I would fly in a type of "airship", like a plane, only not quite so.

Does anyone know where this is going? Don't give the answer.

My mother remarried, and I met a girl named Sara. She opened me to an interest in God, but my mom soon divorced her dad and I lost contact with this one good influence. Sara would become LDS and very strong in her religion. I though, would end up pursuing a slew of other things.

At my grandparents' house I was terrified by ghosts. At my mother's, it was aliens. I started to think I could sense the general "mood" of a place, it's essence in a way. And I started with some very basic parts of new age and numerology.

As soon as my sister Amanda was born, I knew there was something else to her. I knew her from somewhere, though I didn't know where. Another part of the mystery.

I began to dream that the bhm (who I didn't remember) was helping to train both myself and the beautiful woman, who appeared to be just the same age as myself. With this girl I looked for some kind of glowing ball, something I'd lost and wanted back, and the bhm taught us the entire time; he was involved in all of this.

Then came the dream of me as some kind of knight, pouring out my blood in front of God and taking water from a fountain instead.

I became sworn to find God, but began to do so by using Wicca and spells. I began to believe in New Age and invited a "higher entity" to guide me by staying with me in my body. During this time all my alien experiences came horribly more often, and I dreamed about these things more and more. Worse, I had nightmares about killing, and about giants and monsters. Other times though, my dreams were peaceful and defied explanation: temples in space where people worshipped God.

Most bizarre around this time was my absolute certainty that I'd had sex with the beautiful woman from my dreams, something impossible since I was only 13 at the time.

As life went on, at least partially normal for everyone else, I finally made a few friends at school, one of which was Jason. I was pulled a little out of the insanity I'd found myself in, but even though I wasn't aware of it as much, it still went on full force.

...

 

[Kol]

This all having been said, does anyone have anything to say? Have I not made something clear, or do I need to explain something else?

The next thing that happened was a whole slew of pre-existence memories, and I want to make sure everything else is clear before I move on.

 

[Chocolatesa]

Ok yeah.

 

[Kol]

What does everyone think about all this so far?

 

[Chocolatesa]

ok, just to get one thing straight, the "spirit guide" is a bad guy and the "blonde haired man" is a good guy, right? That's the impressions I'm getting up to now, anyways...

 

[Kol]

So confusing...even i don't really know.

 

[Chocolatesa]

ok I'm eager to hear the rest though!

 

[Kol]

So by the time I was 15, my bedroom was stocked full of newage paraphenelia. Candles, crystals, tiny pieces of stones with "runes" etched on them, and all kinds of books on magic. I had half a dozen books on aliens and abductions, and even more from the library. I thought of myself as a wiccan and a new-ager, and tried to drag my friends into the same mess as I was in.

A lot of my focus was on "fighting aliens". I began to wonder what kind of career I could find to prepare me for this in my future. I watched every episode of the X-Files, often making my sister or my best friend Jesse watch with me. I bought into all the conspiracy theories and lay awake at night dreaming up even more.

...

One night I had a dream about aliens. My cousins, my sisters, and my brother were all in a house together, and they were all asleep. I had been allowed to stay up, so that I could watch everyone and keep them safe. I was roaming around the house, looking for ways to keep these sleeping people safe from being abducted. I made sure they never slept by themselves, and that they never read about aliens, because that would open them up to bad influences. The dream kept on for a while, as I learned different tricks, and implemented them. I felt good in the dream, as if I were important, and doing humanity a good job.

All of a sudden, the dream faded away. Everything in it just faded out, and I felt like I was waking up. I tried to hold on to the dream so that I could remember it.

When I woke up, I was kneeling down, dizzy.

I was standing on some kind of thin metal platform. There was nothing around...everything was black, as if it were a void, as if there were literally *nothing* there. There weren't any walls, but stairs leading to different platforms, and those to different floors and levels, suspended in nothingness. On my left was a long flight of stairs, and standing nearby was a man.

He was wearing some kind of armor, though that seemed to be made out of cloth. I can't understand what he was wearing. It doesn't make sense to me. He was a white man, maybe 5'10" to 6' tall, medium build and weight. He had medium-length blonde hair.

"?????," he called me by my name, "do you remember me?" he was smiling politely. I felt as if he were an uncle, that I'd lived at his house as a kid and just couldn't remember it. He had that kind of feel over me, as if he were protective of me and I was too stupid to appreciate it.

I didn't remember him, and I told him so. I told him I didn't know *who* he was, and that I was suspicious of him because I didn't believe anything I saw anymore. I'd been tricked too many times, and most of those times were by aliens. I told him I wasn't sure he wasn't an alien, and that I wanted to know, before anything else, whose side he was on. I was, after all, fighting aliens.

A look crossed his face like nothing I've ever seen before or since. He could have been having a heart attack. It was as if he had just seen the funniest thing in the world, and was too afraid to believe he was really seeing it. He seemed on the verge of breaking out in laughter.

"You what?!" he asked.

"I'm fighting aliens," I said.

"You believe in aliens?"

I remember thinking for a second and saying, "yeah, I think it's possible. I think there's a lot of things out there people don't understand. I can see how there might be aliens...I believe i've definitely seen them, even."

And he started laughing at me, on and on, and on. He threw his head back and I wouldn't have been surprised to see tears in his eyes, he was laughing at me so much. After several minutes, I remember getting mad, and I kept asking, 'what?!, what's so funny?!' but this guy couldn't control himself. He really thought this was funny.

After a *long* time, he finally settled down, and looked at me. He looked drugged, he'd been laughing so much.

"You believe in aliens?" he asked me.

"Yes," i was mad, because i felt he was making fun of me and I didn't know why.

"*YOU* believe in aliens?!" again.

"Yes!"

He seemed at a loss. "You believe in aliens...how can you believe in aliens?!" he asked.

He then said one of the most cryptic things anyone had ever said to me:

"You were there! How can you believe in aliens???"

"Are they real?" I asked.

He forced himself to become serious, which I could tell he hated to have to do. "No," he said sadly, as if to let me down, "there are no such things."

"How do you know?" I asked. "Are you really an angel?"

"No," he said, "I just wandered in here." And he smiled at me, trying not to laugh again.

"What about Bigfoot?"

"Of course, haven't you been reading about him? You probably know more about him than I do."

I'd been reading the Weekly World News since I was 9, a tabloid paper that always ran stories about Bigfoot and Elvis still being alive. This man evidently knew this and was making fun of me about it, as if reading it were going to make me more informed than the angels in heaven.

"What about the Loch Ness Monster?"

"Yes...wait, no. Wait...yes, and you will meet her. Be prepared for the opportunity." I felt he was making fun of me for reading horoscopes.

"You can tell me all this stuff?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he said, "I can tell you whatever you want to know, because you aren't going to be allowed to remember *any* of it when you wake up." And he started laughing again.

And this was the first time I saw the bhm again at that age. And all he did was laugh at me.

 

[connectadot18]

Sorry I was a away for a bit But I have caught back up and I am following...

No questions as of right now...

 

[Chocolatesa]

o...k...

no idea what to think of that...

 

[Kol]

These memories of life in heaven are my memories and how I express them. I feel you should know of these things because they are true and are vital for your soul to know. They are not scary or evil. Instead, they are peaceful, relaxing and reassuring.

My general memories about heaven are that it is so peaceful and so full of love, kindness, and happiness. Everyone gets along. There is no hate, no lying, and no anger. There is no hot or cold, it is just the perfect temperature all the time. There are no verbal words. Your thoughts are all that are needed to communicate. There is no time, or at least it didn't seem like it to me. I don't remember being distinctly male or female there. You have no body. You are only a spirit. And it only takes a thought to move about—just like here, but you don't have to wait for your body to keep up. You can zip right over to where you want to be like a humming bird.

There is so much more, but I don't know how to express things such as the radiance of Gods light and love. Some things are just so hard to express in words because they are so much more than we have words for.

-From the Betty J. Eadie website (http://www.embracedbythelight.com/archives/seen/memories.htm)

Sometime after the dream with the bhm, my own memories came back, and I remembered "my memories of life in heaven" as well.

I was dying. I could feel my sin within myself, flowing everywhere in my body and in my "blood". It was as if I'd ingested poison, as if it were traveling all through my body, killing random cells in my body and making me weak and useless. Everything inside of me was tainted...tainted, and dying.

I could feel God's curse against me as well. He had cursed me so that I would wither and die, a punishment that was far better than what I deserved. He would never forgive me, and would never again answer my prayers; He refused any longer to be my God. I made no complaint against it..it gave me time to finish what I wanted to finish, and that was all I cared about. I was cut off from Him. I could no longer make contact with Him, could no longer draw on Him for my life. I was no longer His son. What I had left inside myself was it. I would never be able to renew myself, and when that last bit of life ran out, that was it.

The blond-haired man finished explaining to me what was expected, and turned away without another word to lead me back up the stairs. We were in some sort of cellar; we were there for privacy, because no one was allowed to know that any of us were around. He himself was too sacred; most people weren't allowed to come into his presence. I was just the opposite. My presence would likely have terrified everyone around. And the rest of us would have been attacked on sight for what we all were doing.

The bhm began to lead me up the stairway..he paused halfway up to see if I were still behind him. I gave him the same cold, martyred look as always. He turned back around and continued to lead me on.

We came to a very old room, as long as it was wide. There were things like desks strewn across the far wall, long since forgotten. The tiled floor seemed to be cracking from age. The lights were let low. We were being very careful and very quiet, because what we were doing was a secret. We were in an enemy's city, and could not risk being discovered.

I felt music coming from the main part of the city we were in. It was as if thousands of souls were singing praises to God. It made me sick, and the bhm winced, because the praises were false, and everyone in that city was being decieved. They were worshipping him, not God..they were mistakenly bowing to the Devil.

We took a hallway out of the room and came to an alcove; beyond lay the courtyard with the fountain...and the bhm stopped to give me the last few words. He couldn't go any further, because the other people weren't allowed to know about him.

S???? though, being nearly as strong as I was, was able to sense my approach..we were able to share each other's minds. This being the case, she knew about the bhm and knew that I would soon arrive. She thought inside of my mind, 'will you be here soon?'

'Soon.'

The bhm gave me one last speech, then sighed, closed his eyes, and dissipated.

I began to make my way down the stairs. I took the steps two at a time, and towards the middle of the flight, I dissipated into a cloud and reformed myself at the bottom of the stairs. I looked at S???? first.

'This is it.' I thought to her. I felt her body flush and her mood echo her slight unease.

There were about a dozen of us gathered, and I was leading. The spirits/celestials all stood in a triangular formation, as if we were going to yet another fight...

 

[Kol]

I wore something like armor, but it was nothing external. It was as if my clothing/covering were an extension of either who I was, or what I felt emotionally, or of what I had done. It was a sickly black, mixed with dark blue and a charcoal gray. On my chest was the remnants of what had been my country's crest, a long, long time ago. Most of it was faded, and besides S???? and ?????, no one still around would have any idea what it meant. The crest, the emblem, had triangles, circles, and interlocking lines...there was something like rain, or a storm across it now. I had been stamped in some way.

I had a long, secret, and very bitter past.

I remember explaining to my group what we were about to do. The only words I remember:

"This isn't just another country we are going to. It's a different reality. I can't explain to you what we will experience there. We may not find each other. You know what we must do, and any one of you may find you have to do it on your own."

These are the last words I remember speaking to them. We had gone to many different countries. That was what we did, traveled the heavens, fighting. We had all joined some group to do this, and that group had set us all together, with me as the leader. Everything had been taken over by "the enemy", and 95% of creation had no idea anything was amiss. This is why what we were doing was such a secret. The nearby city was a heavy part of that 95%.

The next thing I remember is standing at the head of the formation.

I had flashes of dreams sometimes in the middle of other dreams, and these bothered me a lot. The worst one took place inside of some building, and there were stars all around. There was a man standing behind me, and I turned around to see him. He looked to be in his early 20's, and he was thin and strong with black, black hair. His skin was pale white, almost glowing in some way, and it was beautiful because it was so gothic. His clothes were all black, and made of something like silk. They seemed "baggy" around his legs, like loose trousers as opposed to jeans. He wore two shirts, one of them open, and it blew back almost like a cape or a cloak. His clothes seemed to..bleed off of him like this, as if bits of them were blowing away in the wind, but they never did. His clothes had a feel to them. They were..just sheer power, as if it were a type of control. It made me think of the night. There was nothing evil or even good about them. It made me feel like a huge metal monster were going to come out of this pitch black night and get me. Something about this man made me think he liked to "judge" things. He wasn't a judge, but he looked at things and took them apart with his eyes.

This was one of my celestials, and he was standing directly behind me. I could feel what each of the group felt towards me, and this one felt apathy. It was just how he was. His clothing radiated his coldness and his steel-like intellect and judgemental nature. It radiated off of him; it bled off in tiny shreds to pass into nothingness all around him.

He looked to me, and I waited to see what his last words would be, before we all left.

'What, do you want me to say I love you?' he asked, sarcastically.

If he had had an age, it would have been his early 20s. He was *absolutely* powerful. His eyes burned you, just to look at them...it was all the way he stared at you. His mannerisms were so cold, his glare was so forceful...to a flesh man, it would have been way too much. He would have broken you into pieces, from fear of him alone. His strength was unbelievable. This was no angel. This was no demon. This was an unmistakable force of nature, and anything that crossed him would be destroyed without remorse.

I met his eyes flatly and stared him down with ease. I was impossibly stronger than him.

To the right, my gaze came across ???? and her 'family'. This female celestial was beauty personified. She was absolutely perfect in every way, fashion, and form. Beautifully golden hair fell down in waves across her shoulders. She wore a light, cream-colored robe. Beneath this was something like cloth. I remember thinking she should have been wearing jewels instead. I loved her, more than anyone or anything. I was absolutely proud of her beauty...it was as if she were my banner. Had I felt worthier, I might have thought of her as my daughter.

But I knew she had no idea of who or what I really was. If she had learned, she would have ran in terror. I was afraid it would break her mind. I was, after all, a monster. And so I kept myself away from her as much as I could think to, because someone like me had no right to be around someone like her.

Her 'father' knew this. He stood beside her then. He knew exactly what I was, and he *hated* me because of it. I respected him greatly for not telling her.

I could feel her heart. She loved me fiercely. It felt like a fire, like strong flames roaring against me. She was like Valentine's Day, heart-shaped candy, something pink and girly, happy and cheerful, and impossibly feminine. And too naive.

She met my eyes, and it *hurt*, because I felt that she was too innocent for someone like me to see. I turned around to my left instead, and came across S????.

S???? knew exactly what I was, and let me know it was alright; she still believed in me. She had once been a daugher to me. Now she was like a sister, because my curse had cut my age in half..we would have both been in our 40s, so to speak. Her clothing looked like "armor" too. Hers was green and white. The white was faded with age. This one had been a priestess for God when we had lived in our old country. She was one of the very few people to remember those times.

She was like my armor-bearer. My most trusted advisor. She loved me unconditionally. She had been through most of what I had been through, but emerged with a less fatalistic attitude. I depended on her more than anyone.

...

 

[Kol]

There are no words to describe these celestial spirits other than the word 'gods'. Not to say they were to be worshipped. That was exactly what we were all fighting against. But they were so far beyond anything I have ever imagined or experienced, there are no other words. They were unimagineable.

But not all of them.

Everything could be expressed by age. But age didn't make you "get old". You didn't grow frail or weak, only "stronger" and more god-like. Most of the ones there were fairly young, not yet out of their adolescence. The man in black behind me would have been in his twenties. He felt like a god, like this force of nature as I've said, because of his intellect and control. The one who was like my armor-bearer or sister would have been the strongest under me. She was an absolute goddess. But that godhood was because of her love. There are just no words to describe it.

I was different. Everything I felt was wrong, bad, evil. My persona was strong enough to be "godlike" in no small degree. But it wasn't love or beauty. It was misery and sadness. Those things were so strong, they had become my strength in life. I felt...despair, hopelessness, absolute regret, and a LOT of bitterness over what had happened. I was misery incarnate.

.....

And the last thing I remember is stepping forward to be born.

 

[K9Guardian]

You need to become a writer, Kol.

 

[Chocolatesa]

You know, some things you say remind me of a friend of mine. He seems to consider himself misery incarnate as well, at times. Before I read your story he was the strangest/most spiritually warred over person I had met, someone very unique... I often pray for him as well. When you talked about "His eyes burned you, just to look at them...it was all the way he stared at you", "I could feel what each of the group felt towards me, and this one felt apathy. It was just how he was. His clothing radiated his coldness and his steel-like intellect and judgemental nature" it reminded me of my friend for some reason.
When I think about what you said in the last few posts, I don't come up with any clear ideas, but just that possibly you were one of a group of people that God chose to do something special in this life. The way you described being with the group of people just before being born, going to a final battle, so to speak. Ok, God has something special for everyone to do, but it sounds like something different? more important? I dunno, I'm just speculating... You wanted ideas!

 

[Kol]

Yeah...I try not to be "misery incarnate", but what connects me so much to this being in my memories is that I tend to get like him-to act martyred, cold, and bitter at times. Not nearly so much now, but certainly before I became Christian.

I doubt anyone will be able to *believe* the end result of this story, and it worried me that nobody has anything to say, but oh well. I'll explain it all as best I can.

 

[K9Guardian]

You know, I do not mean to sound skeptic, but I'm proceeding with caution here. You will understand that these are some powerful visions you're claiming to have had, and that I, being me, will hold belief on reserve.

But in the event that theey were true visions, i'll say:

1) I identified strongly with the judgmental guy. I understand him.

2) It is obvious to me these are visions of spiritual warfare,,., though whether of the future or of now is unclear. It may well be a prophecy, or a metaphor, as were many visions in the Word.

3) Whatever the case, I am intrigued.

 

[Kol]

I felt like we were moving in between the walls. I knew in that memory there was some kind of "enemy army", but if there was an actual "Satan" i don't know, because I never brought it to mind. All of creation was under the control of this army, and they didn't know it. The mass majority of people didn't know anything was wrong. It was like the Romans had taken over Jerusalem but still allowed the sacrifices. None of the people knew it was actually Romans in charge, save the ruling class, and they had all been massacred.

Whatever I had been was being kept a secret. In this memory though, I seemed like some sort of "knight-captain". There was a word for what I was, but this is the closest thing to an english synonym I have. There was so much more to me, but it was hidden and again, since I didn't call it to mind while standing there, I didn't remember what it was when this memory was brought back to my mind.

The Betty J Eady quotes above mentioned a spiritual body as being "nondescript". That was how an infant spiritual body was. The members of my group were all in different stages of maturity, and although none of them were quite that young, our maturity was like an age..and age was like a sort of rank...and that rank granted different "strengths" or something like this. You became more and more glorified. My armor-bearer could feel minds because of her age, and I was able to turn into some kind of "mist" or non-descript form because of my own age. The man in black behind me was so forceful because he had matured to a certain point. He had become more a "son of God" than someone who was still young and non-descript.

There is something to the fact that Mrs Eady describes everyone as being so young. They never grew...and all I have are connotations of my thoughts in those few moments, but there was definitely something *wrong* with all this. It was almost as if they'd been killed and reformed (though not as Christians), or if they'd somehow been erased or made to forget the "old days". The emblem on my chest was something from those old days. And even in my own group, there were only 2 or 3 people who would have had any idea what it was from. And the only reason *I* still remembered was that I had become this monster. I had escaped everyone else's fate because no one in my position ever stopped being that monster, besides me. I was a flaw, something that wasn't supposed to happen.

It was a lot like I was an Israelite, and that Israel had been destroyed. I was among nothing but Gentiles, and very few people remembered there had ever *been* and "Israel."

...

 

[Kol]

Oh, by all means, sound skeptical. I appreciate that more than someone just agreeing. As I've said, if this hadn't happened to me personally, I most likely wouldn't believe it...