Just Separated This Week...

[SuzQ]

Out of the "Unequally-Yoked" threads, and into the "Separated/Divorce" threads. I've already read some pretty helpful posts throughout these threads. I thank God for this website & all my fellow Christian believers here.

I made the decision to be separated, not my husband. I've tried to "sanctify" our marriage by being the "believer" in our little union of almost 3 years, but it's been one huge issue after another. We don't have kids together. I have a 14 year old son from my first marriage. He has two children from his.

I've tolerated & prayed over his depression of losing a job, his struggle with alcoholism, smoking, doing nothing for months except watching horror movies/playing the most violent of video games, being mean & critical to my son, and a few days ago was the "last straw". I discovered that he established a personal ad for himself on the most disgusting website "soliciting" other people for, um, thrills (won't go into detail). Not just looking at porn, people, actually setting up an account, a personal ad with photo, and trying to MEET women in our area??? When confronted, he made excuses & blamed me for it! As our fight escalated, he turned violent & punched a hole the size of a manhole in our bedroom door. (The first I've ever seen him get violent). Having come from an abusive relationship in the past, I made him leave - end of story.

So, c'mon fellow Christians. Please go ahead & tell me that God hates divorce in ALL circumstances & I should stick it out. Could YOU? I really, truly need your prayers. This was my SECOND marriage. I was all set to go to a "Retrouvaille Weekend" with him later this month, too. I've read Stormie Omartian's "Power of a Praying Wife". I've begged the Lord to help me be a good wife, yet my husband got WORSE.

The first marriage was years & years ago - I was not a believer & neither was my husband. This time, I was a believer who knowingly became "yoked" with an unbeliever. So, I'm now convinced it was never a "blessed" union by God in the first place. The more I prayed, the worse things got, not better. How "coincidental" is that? I know God allows me to divorce as a long as I stay single or get reconciled to my current husband. Believe me, the last thing I want is to meet anyone else.

However, I go through with the divorce & meet someone again WAY, WAY down the road - am I quite the "adulteress" by now, or what? What if I married someone who was never married - he would also be an adulterer. I'm just so hurt & confused right now. It's rare for me to be in a situation where I feel so trapped no matter which direction I choose. Staying with him separated me from the Lord, big time. I even got up & walked out of church the other day before they served Communion, as I know my heart was not in it & I did not want to "disrespect" the sacrament representing my Savior's sacrifice. I've never, ever felt more separated from Christ than living with this "idol" of a husband & all his issues/problems. However, divorcing would cause me to sin, right?

 

[lastblast]

So, c'mon fellow Christians. Please go ahead & tell me that God hates divorce in ALL circumstances & I should stick it out. Could YOU? I really, truly need your prayers. This was my SECOND marriage.

The first marriage was years & years ago - I was not a believer & neither was my husband.

So, I'm now convinced it was never a "blessed" union by God in the first place. The more I prayed, the worse things got, not better.

However, I go through with the divorce & meet someone again WAY, WAY down the road - am I quite the "adulteress" by now, or what? What if I married someone who was never married - he would also be an adulterer.

Suzy,

I'm so sorry about your situation. How sad. My family history is not so nice either, though I am not divorced myself.

I'm sure you have read some of my posts and I would encourage you to do the same thing I said to Chrystal-----study the Word of God on marriage and pray.........pray for enlightenment and wisdom. I can only share what I believe, but you cannot walk based upon another's revelation of the Word of God. I will address your questions though and hopefully give you some food for thought if nothing else.

You said this was your second marriage. Were you your first husband's first wife? If so, then I believe Rom. 7:2-3, I Cor. 7:39 and I Cor. 7:10-11 applies to you. Many people try to say that marriages contracted before we are believers dont' count. If that were true then we would have to believe that God does not join unbelievers in marriage----that they are merely fornicating in their relationships. I dont' see this as a biblical concept. I believe all first marriages are in force until the death of one of the spouses. When that does occur, the one who is alive is free to remarry another (who is also free). Those who divorce and remarry are committing adultery----a state of until it is forsaken.

As to God hating divorce in all circumstances, I don't believe so. I believe He hates what causes them----hard hearts (in the case of covenant partners divorcing) and disobedience/ignorance (the heartache involved when we marry into adulterous marriages and then realize it and repent of/forsake the relationship).

I do believe God honors divorce when it is done as an act of repentance (forsaking an adulterous remarriage). I look at Mal. 2 and can't help believing that God WOULD accept the priest's offerings IF the priest put away the foreign wife he took and was reunited with his covenant wife (if possible). God takes covenant seriously and the thing many people forget about marriage is that GOD is the one who joins it..........not us..........we can "join" with others through sex, but it is God who sets the terms of a marriage and He has declared that it is binding until death-----no adultery, no desertion, no abuse, no remarriage(Rom. 7:2-3) will nullify what God has joined together. We can "depart"(I Cor. 7:10-11).......but we do not have the power to "separate" the 'bond' that God has joined together---because we are not the ones who put it together. Blessings..............

 

[Svt4Him]

www.divorcehope.com is a great resource.

You are not in adultery, and I'm sorry about your spouse. I would not recommend running out and remarrying, just spend some time healing.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Running away from a second marriage may not be the best choice to make despite the situation you're in. Maybe letting God do his job leading your husband in your marriage is an option?

 

[pegatha]

I think it's much, much too soon to be thinking about remarriage, even from a theoretical viewpoint.

Personally, I wouldn't stay in the same home as someone who was being violent. In fact, I'd have been taking steps to change the situation as soon as I'd noticed a pattern of cruelty to my son. Unlike you, your son didn't choose to be part of this man's life, and as a minor, he has no power in this situation. You have to protect him from this kind of emotional abuse.

I'm not saying divorce at this point, but rather a separation, with a view to reconciling after an extended period of counseling and/or therapy. (I'm talking about six months to a year, at least--long enough to see evidence that he has really changed.) If he's not willing to cooperate, then there's nothing you can do to force him, and he's free to leave. I hope it doesn't come to that, of course, but the one thing I wouldn't do is allow him to make my son's life miserable.

 

[SuzQ]

Thanks for all your comments & support. No, of course I'm not even considering remarrying AGAIN, I just was thinking hypothetically, LOL! I need this "alone" time to bond with my Savior again, and have no other influence on that to interfere. My son & I have also had "closer" moments through this time of difficulty this week, so I'm blessed in that respect, too.

And that's just it. For the nearly 3 years we've been married, I've never felt so "exiled" from Jesus, or so distant from my own son. I've done everything I thought would help my husband & I. I signed us up for a "Retrouvaille" weekend later this month to try and fix our marriage. He was reluctantly willing to go, but already made up his mind it wouldn't help. It's been all me, and ZERO from my husband. We may not be divorced on paper, but I truly feel his heart was never in this marriage & he "spiritually" left our marriage a long, long time ago with all his selfish choices & non-caring behavior towards my son & I.

Nothing changed on my end, as I've prayed the same way I did before, I've never stopped going to church all this time, joined a women's Beth Moore Bible Study last winter for 10 weeks, read, studied, & prayed for my husband as an "obedient" wife with Stormie Omartian's "Power of a Praying Wife", went to 3 different Christian concert events & "tried" to worship & be among believers, drove one day to walk & pray in a forest by myself this summer trying to concentrate on Jesus....and NOTHING. Guys, I've tried it ALL. In fact, I even felt like He was no longer there, no matter how sincere I was in searching for Him. I worried that my marriage to an unbeliever was "hardening my heart" towards God. (Which scared me to death!). I've never, ever felt so separated from the Lord as I have been being in this "unequally-yoked" marriage. I learned from the last Beth Moore study that my husband obviously became an "idol", folks - and not one easily "removed" when I live with him day in & day out. I tried to ignore that & thought I could "stick it out" and perhaps help the Lord "save" him some day down the road.

However, it's been only 4 days away from my husband & I've already felt the presence of the Lord returning back in my life! It literally takes my breath away! I started the new 10-week Bible study by Beth Moore at my church last night called "The Patriarchs". (Perfect timing, too! ). I didn't know if I was ready to go & be among all these women with such a heavy, confused, and broken heart. Well, the very first lesson she spoke about in the video last night was how the people in the OT began to "brick" together a city without God's instructions (tower of Bable, etc), and He finally had to tear it down & scatter the people among the earth away from each other. It nearly brought tears to my eyes!! It occured to me that I did the same thing by defiantly entering into an "unequally-yoked" marriage - I was trying to "brick" and build something on my own with good intentions, but without trusting God or seeking His blessing on it beforehand. Now, He's tearing it down by showing me how my husband's "evil" influence, even if it's unintentional, is tearing down my faith & belief in Him as my Lord & God.

Svt4Him, your website & what you've studied seems to echo this new teaching I've realized. He cares about His CHILDREN, not just the "institute of marriage". Submitting to my husband had brought me back into slavery & put my husband before God! God most certainly doesn't want us to take matters into our own hands & simply divorce for selfish reasons. No, He doesn't like divorce at all - very Biblical. However, God doesn't like war either - that doesn't mean that He doesn't "order" these instructions from time to time of His followers, right? I've tried to fix this marriage "God's" way by "sanctifying" my marriage to an unbeliever - & it hasn't worked. Why? Because I am truly feeling like God wants me to walk away from my husband, and turn back towards Him a different way. My marriage to an unbeliever has been the worst "idol" I've ever had since being saved over 5 years ago.

I know God expected me to tolerate such things as smoking, the alcoholism, some porn, the resentment towards my church, etc. He's not verbally abusive, and was non-violent until recently. I've had enough strength for most of that & have tried to lovingly care for my husband regardless. He had no financial responsibility - I work full-time, care for the house/grocerie, pay all the bills, etc. But when I found out he was soliciting sex from other women in our area on the internet, I was devastated & could not ever think of being intimate with him ever again. Never. I think that by allowing me to "accidentally" stumble upon the damning evidence of my husband's illicit behavior was the only way God knew I would leave, finally.

Perhaps this is God's way of showing me He wants to work on my husband on His own - without my help. In the meantime, He wants me to return to Him & be used to help the world in a different way? Please pray for me to have these things more "clearly" revealed. I'm hurting, yet trying to be brave & obedient to my Lord, and still a little confused....

 

[~Nikki~]

I want you to know that I'm saying this really gently...

but I would say that the reason you've been feeling 'exlied' from Jesus is because He says that to remarry while the original spouse is still alive is to commit adultery (against the original spouse)...and obviously we're not supposed to commit adultery.

Read the following verses...

Luke 16:18
18 Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.

Mark 10
10 In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. 11 So He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery."

Matthew 5
32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except fornication causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery


I believe that God does not hate 'divorce' when it comes to repenting of an adulterous 'marriage' (second marriage while the original spouse is still alive), but I do believe that the motives should be right, ie, leaving because the person is repenting of the adulterous marriage, rather than leaving because it's too tough to carry on.

Please read the verses that apply to remarriage and ask God to give you clarity and to show you what you should do...He will guide you if you will obey Him...

God bless...

 

[E_Powers]

To cover the bases that were not covered by northstar


Malachi 2:16 (New International Version)

16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

Matthew 19:9 tells us, "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

and this includes men who are adulteriers. but i would be more concerned that he is unsaved.


​

 

[llghoney]

Suzy I will be praying for you! I am in a somewhat similar situation at the moment. I can feel your pain with finding crap on the comp. I have a post in women struggling if you want to read. One thing you have to realize too which I think you have is that you cannot change your husband. He has to be willing to want to change wether he is a christain or not. Take care & many many blessings!

 

[CaptainMercy]

Out of the "Unequally-Yoked" threads, and into the "Separated/Divorce" threads. I've already read some pretty helpful posts throughout these threads. I thank God for this website & all my fellow Christian believers here.

I made the decision to be separated, not my husband. I've tried to "sanctify" our marriage by being the "believer" in our little union of almost 3 years, but it's been one huge issue after another. We don't have kids together. I have a 14 year old son from my first marriage. He has two children from his.

I've tolerated & prayed over his depression of losing a job, his struggle with alcoholism, smoking, doing nothing for months except watching horror movies/playing the most violent of video games, being mean & critical to my son, and a few days ago was the "last straw". I discovered that he established a personal ad for himself on the most disgusting website "soliciting" other people for, um, thrills (won't go into detail). Not just looking at porn, people, actually setting up an account, a personal ad with photo, and trying to MEET women in our area??? When confronted, he made excuses & blamed me for it! As our fight escalated, he turned violent & punched a hole the size of a manhole in our bedroom door. (The first I've ever seen him get violent). Having come from an abusive relationship in the past, I made him leave - end of story.

So, c'mon fellow Christians. Please go ahead & tell me that God hates divorce in ALL circumstances & I should stick it out. Could YOU? I really, truly need your prayers. This was my SECOND marriage. I was all set to go to a "Retrouvaille Weekend" with him later this month, too. I've read Stormie Omartian's "Power of a Praying Wife". I've begged the Lord to help me be a good wife, yet my husband got WORSE.

The first marriage was years & years ago - I was not a believer & neither was my husband. This time, I was a believer who knowingly became "yoked" with an unbeliever. So, I'm now convinced it was never a "blessed" union by God in the first place. The more I prayed, the worse things got, not better. How "coincidental" is that? I know God allows me to divorce as a long as I stay single or get reconciled to my current husband. Believe me, the last thing I want is to meet anyone else.

However, I go through with the divorce & meet someone again WAY, WAY down the road - am I quite the "adulteress" by now, or what? What if I married someone who was never married - he would also be an adulterer. I'm just so hurt & confused right now. It's rare for me to be in a situation where I feel so trapped no matter which direction I choose. Staying with him separated me from the Lord, big time. I even got up & walked out of church the other day before they served Communion, as I know my heart was not in it & I did not want to "disrespect" the sacrament representing my Savior's sacrifice. I've never, ever felt more separated from Christ than living with this "idol" of a husband & all his issues/problems. However, divorcing would cause me to sin, right?

No sister, in this case I think you did the wise thing to prevent a violent and traggic event from transpiring. Keep praying for his soul though as your leaving may be what is needed to bring him to his knees. I will be praying for you as well. Keep the faith and remember it is God that will do the judging that really counts.

 

[littledink77]

Wow a lot of things sound very framiliar in the situation I am currently in. Some differences YES, but very similar. WOW. I have been wondering the same thing about divorce and how it is "wrong".. but what is one to do when the other is doing these things and just isnt changing? You have invested much more time into your marriage than I have... Mine is only over a year but I feel hopeless that this marriage will work out and I dont want to get to the point that you were at with yours.. No offense I just mean I see similarities but not Everything is the same with our husbands. Thats what I am so scared of. I feel for you I do.... If a divorce is what you needed which in my opinion it is, then Good for you for doing that. God will work things out in your life and one day down the road he may have a better plan for you to meet a wonderful christian man. If things dont work out in my marriage I pray he has the same plan for me....

 

[Athene]

SuzQ, you do not have to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy, you have the right to be treated with respect and love, you have the right not to live in fear, I believe you did the right thing, to ask him to leave. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like you have spent the last three years.

I'm sure people are going to throw more bible quotes at you stating that you should stay and be a subserviant . . . sorry submissive wife, and the only reason to divorce is adultery, which technically he has committed because looking at another with lust in your eye is the same as doing the deed.

There are plenty of bible verses giving reasons for you to stay with him and submit, but I'm pretty sure God did not intend them to be used as a reason for a woman to have to live with abuse.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Bless you child:

tolerated & prayed over his depression of losing a job, his struggle with alcoholism, smoking, doing nothing for months except watching horror movies/playing the most violent of video games, being mean & critical to my son, and a few days ago was the "last straw". I discovered that he established a personal ad for himself on the most disgusting website "soliciting" other people

There is a thing called reasonable expectation. It is unlikely someone who freely engages in these type activities has the capacity to be a mature, contributing partner, much less leader. You do not say if you believe in free will or not (I do). If free will exists then even God can not force someone to make what we might consider "wise" or "correct" choice.

Even if Divorce is a "sin", (remember they did not have to divorce when you could have 500 hundred wives if you could afford them). God is merciful, one must only repent. Go and sin no more is a quote from Jesus. One can not UNDO what has been done, and one cannot change one who is unwilling. Jesus paid the price. IMHO that is the glory of not having to carry the burden for every wrong deed or misjudgement we ever made forever.

But we cannot continue to make irresponsible decisions/choices. Know the signs in the next mate you consider. Even then, things can happen again there is that free will bug the chosen spouse has. It sounds to me like you have learned your lesson. Is that not what God wants from our experiences with sin? I bet you don't do it again. It is not for us to judge each other. (PS if it was does it not also say that one who has lusted in his heart has committed adultery--boy I'd have to say I was guilty, even though I have never "cheated" on hubby, since I was guilty would that make hubby guilty too?) JMHO All I can really offer is my prayers. I believe God wants us to be happy and loving not "broke, busted and disgusted" (Paula White).

 

[heartnsoul]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. May God heal your heart and give you patience to wait on His perfect timing for the right one to come along in the future.

We all make mistakes, but the most important thing is that we learn from them and then make better decisions in the future. Many of us have been remarried and have personally experienced God's powerful love, forgiveness and mercy. Never give up on life or God. God loves you and wants the best for you. Not only have I remarried, but I have been abundantly blessed by God. When you have some time, check out the Remarriage Section's thread called: "Remarriage is a blessing." That thread offers powerful testimonies that may bring you encouragement during this tough time in your life. Here is the link to that thread: http://www.christianforums.com/t2141450-remarriage-is-a-blessing.html

Live, learn, grow and love....that's what life is all about. God bless you.

 

[madison1101]

I understand your feelings, and fear. I strongly encourage you to try marriage counseling as a first step to work toward reconciliation. In that setting you can confront your husband about his alcoholism, lack of employment and soliciting sexual relationships on the internet. He needs therapy. You need therapy as well. This is a complex twisted relationship you have with him and you both need to work on yourselves.

God bless.

 

[RJHarmony84]

Ok I want you to notice one thing here
John 4

7When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" 8(His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.[a])

10Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

11"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"

13Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

15The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water."

16He told her, "Go, call your husband and come back."

17"I have no husband," she replied.

Jesus said to her, "You are right when you say you have no husband. 18The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true."

Later....

27Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman. But no one asked, "What do you want?" or "Why are you talking with her?"

28Then, leaving her water jar, the woman went back to the town and said to the people, 29"Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?" 30They came out of the town and made their way toward him.

Just notice...Jesus knows that this woman has had 5 husbands, and who knows how many other men who she just slept with...and he STILL offers her the water of life! You may have sinned, but Jesus will forgive you! Just offer your feelings of sin, your hurt, your insecurities, etc, and they can be healed. It sounds cliche. But it does work. Also i would read this book I know of, it's called Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It sounds liek it could help you too And PM me if you want to talk!