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Just need to share with someone...
- Thread starter Briseis
- Start date
LuckyJules
They say I get distracted easi...oh look! A kitty!
So what happened?
I'm in sort of the same situation... although I've been married once before.
My current SO and I have been together 2 years, and although it's not the same length as your relationship (6 years? That means you started dating him at 18!) He knows I'd like to be married again, and we've talked about, but at the same time, I need to respect that he's just not ready. He loves me, loves me greatly, but marriage for some reason I have yet to figure out, is very scary to men. He's told me, someday that he'll marry me, but he's just not ready to be a husband. He himself really doesn't know what that means, but I love him and respect him enough that I don't want to keep hounding him about it -- it only pushes him away and into pressure. I respect him enough to stop pressuring him and let him decide. (Now, if it's a few more years from now, I'll start to go stir crazy and I'm sure we'll be discussing this into further detail, but for now, we don't need to rush). 24 is still really young! You have lots of time to either choose to wait for your guy or if this isn't going to go anywhere, you have time to search the sea for someone who can meet your needs (just please don't jump into it too early!!)
I'm in sort of the same situation... although I've been married once before.
My current SO and I have been together 2 years, and although it's not the same length as your relationship (6 years? That means you started dating him at 18!) He knows I'd like to be married again, and we've talked about, but at the same time, I need to respect that he's just not ready. He loves me, loves me greatly, but marriage for some reason I have yet to figure out, is very scary to men. He's told me, someday that he'll marry me, but he's just not ready to be a husband. He himself really doesn't know what that means, but I love him and respect him enough that I don't want to keep hounding him about it -- it only pushes him away and into pressure. I respect him enough to stop pressuring him and let him decide. (Now, if it's a few more years from now, I'll start to go stir crazy and I'm sure we'll be discussing this into further detail, but for now, we don't need to rush). 24 is still really young! You have lots of time to either choose to wait for your guy or if this isn't going to go anywhere, you have time to search the sea for someone who can meet your needs (just please don't jump into it too early!!)
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LuckyJules said:
I think wanting to be a husband and a father are indicators that boyhood is in the past.
Briseis, marriage is a biblical goal and your SO should definitely be tenaciously pursuing either marriage or singleness. His indecisiveness is painful because when seen through the lens of a servant-lover it is unloving.
Maybe he's either waiting until he is definitely sure you will say yes or until he has become the man he wants for you. Unless he takes a risk he will wait forever because there will not be complete assurance for either. After six years I think he has had enough time to work out "do I want to marry this person?"
I hope he gets challenged to think about what it means to use his life to serve you and Christ.
Reading:
Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend
Why College Men Arent Ready to Marry
For Guys Only: The Marks of Manhood
Should You Get Engaged?
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Well, he finally gave me a timeline which is a little too far in the future for my tastes, but he said he cant push it up any more than Oct 2010. He said he's not comfortable telling me why yet, but through different clues I think the reason he is waiting is because he wants to lose his weight first. I would guess that he's about 350 lbs. Of course I dont care and am willing to marry him now and help him get healthy after. But if he would happier to do it this way, I'm ok with that. I dont want to make him uncomfortable.
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Starcradle
Senior Contributor
Briseis, I read your original post almost immediately after you created it. I refrained from responding, yet I feel compelled to do so now.
You seem to be a patient, loving girlfriend. You are willing to go to significant lengths to spare your beloved any discomfort. You do not wish to pressure him. These are noble and commendable desires. However, it is wholly understandable for you to be affected--even profoundly--by his unwillingness to marry you.
I will not delve into the reasons, yet I was in a relationship wherein I was in a constant state of limbo, seemingly without a defined or even general end. Although we had reached the point of engagement, we were not moving forward and it was due to certain actions (or lack thereof) on his part. In my endeavors to be patient and understanding, I endured a situation that was both unhealthy and painful. I had no idea how damaging the effects of this limbo would be, yet they struck me to the core. Although I did not lose respect for him as a human being and brother in Christ, I lost respect for him as a potential husband.
When a man passionately loves you, you should never have to light a fire under him to marry you. He shall willingly embrace the opportunity to dedicate his life to you, despite any and all fears.
I know that you did not come here to criticize your boyfriend. I do not pretend to know his heart and hence it is not my intention to unjustly assess the situation. Yet whatever his reasons, this man has left you in a state of limbo for a long while and it is unfair to you. Of course, you must determine how long you are willing to wait.
Insofar as his desire to lose weight--as a woman who has struggled in this area, I can truly empathize. However, I would never refuse my beloved's longing to marry me, thin or not, because I adore him and deeply desire to enter that sacred covenant with him. If you accept him as he is, and he has been willing to enjoy the benefits of your company and love as an overweight man, why is he not willing to do so as your husband? What if he cannot lose all the weight by October, 2010?
I pray that he will keep his word to you regarding this general timeline.
When I hear or read of similar situations, it grieves my heart. We as females appear so willing to wait and wait for our men to be prepared, for our men to come through for us, even amidst our pain at their constant refusals. Far too often, we are willing to wait longer than we should.
You seem to be a patient, loving girlfriend. You are willing to go to significant lengths to spare your beloved any discomfort. You do not wish to pressure him. These are noble and commendable desires. However, it is wholly understandable for you to be affected--even profoundly--by his unwillingness to marry you.
I will not delve into the reasons, yet I was in a relationship wherein I was in a constant state of limbo, seemingly without a defined or even general end. Although we had reached the point of engagement, we were not moving forward and it was due to certain actions (or lack thereof) on his part. In my endeavors to be patient and understanding, I endured a situation that was both unhealthy and painful. I had no idea how damaging the effects of this limbo would be, yet they struck me to the core. Although I did not lose respect for him as a human being and brother in Christ, I lost respect for him as a potential husband.
When a man passionately loves you, you should never have to light a fire under him to marry you. He shall willingly embrace the opportunity to dedicate his life to you, despite any and all fears.
I know that you did not come here to criticize your boyfriend. I do not pretend to know his heart and hence it is not my intention to unjustly assess the situation. Yet whatever his reasons, this man has left you in a state of limbo for a long while and it is unfair to you. Of course, you must determine how long you are willing to wait.
Insofar as his desire to lose weight--as a woman who has struggled in this area, I can truly empathize. However, I would never refuse my beloved's longing to marry me, thin or not, because I adore him and deeply desire to enter that sacred covenant with him. If you accept him as he is, and he has been willing to enjoy the benefits of your company and love as an overweight man, why is he not willing to do so as your husband? What if he cannot lose all the weight by October, 2010?
I pray that he will keep his word to you regarding this general timeline.
When I hear or read of similar situations, it grieves my heart. We as females appear so willing to wait and wait for our men to be prepared, for our men to come through for us, even amidst our pain at their constant refusals. Far too often, we are willing to wait longer than we should.
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I know most ppl wouldnt have waited as long as I have, but I dont regret it. I know it is partly due to the fact that we started dating when we were so young. Men are usually not ready to marry at the same age as women, so I have actually been waiting longer than him. And my bf doesnt believe in being engaged before you are ready to actually start planning the wedding, so he told me we will make it official in the next few months, giving us approximately a year to plan. So I know once we are actually engaged, there will be no more postponing. And I agree that if we love each other, his weight shouldnt matter. But I can sympathize still. Being together, dating, and being married are not the same thing. It would take some time to get used to the idea of sharing your body with someone, even as a thin person.
Now that I have an actual date, it doesnt seem so unreasonable to me. It might sound like a long time when you count from the very beginning. 7.5 years it will be by Oct 2010. But its our own fault really, for getting into a serious relationship so young. But in different words it sounds very smart. 2 years after graduating from University. Gives him a decent amount of time to become stable. He has been the manager of his store for a year, and is starting to get offers from businesses that he works with who see what a great job he does. He's getting a new car this summer, and he's started to pay attention to the housing market. I'm happy now. Of course I'll be more happy come October.
Now that I have an actual date, it doesnt seem so unreasonable to me. It might sound like a long time when you count from the very beginning. 7.5 years it will be by Oct 2010. But its our own fault really, for getting into a serious relationship so young. But in different words it sounds very smart. 2 years after graduating from University. Gives him a decent amount of time to become stable. He has been the manager of his store for a year, and is starting to get offers from businesses that he works with who see what a great job he does. He's getting a new car this summer, and he's started to pay attention to the housing market. I'm happy now. Of course I'll be more happy come October.
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