Just need to get this out... (*possible trigger??*)

[KumiChan]

I feel so discouraged today. I actually haven't posted on these forums in years, since I was having some huge struggles with emotional abuse in my family and self-harming. Since then, I completely recovered from self-harming and moved away from home to start college. Things were going well for a while, then I started feeling awful, comparing myself to other people, and just feeling fat and horribly disgusting all the time...even though people would get mad at me for saying it, and my weight/size was "perfectly normal." I stopped eating very much at all, telling myself it was just for a week or two until I trimmed down. I guess it started off as a choice, but by now I'm so worn down and....I don't know, I just can't eat more!!!

I had to move back home at the beginning of the year. I'd confessed to my mother over winter break what was going on with me and I really wanted to change for her, because I knew she was worried. I went back to school thinking I could do it, but I couldn't. If anything, my ed got worse--I even fasted for a while, then woke up one morning and almost couldn't move, then got sick when I tried to drink a little juice. My mom called me that morning and I just started crying... she flew out that night to come get me and bring me home, after making me promise that I would see a professional when I got home.

It's been a month and a half. Since coming home, I've only been losing more and more weight and developing all sorts of health issues. My mother only just last week called to get me in to see someone (which still has yet to happen) and that was only after I half-begged her to. She's so frustrated with me all the time for my problems and doesn't understand why I can't just get over it. I am eating a bit more, admittedly, though only about half of what I should. I started having periods again and I bawled like a baby (big deal for me because I rarely cry) because I was scared I was getting fat... but I'm still losing weight! I do want to recover...I do. But I can't do this on my own. I try to eat more and I just want to cry or throw up. It's so hard and I feel so horribly alone. My mom is growing more and more distant. I guess between me and my alcoholic father, it's more than she can handle. I feel bad about it, but I can't seem to get better. And I guess a part of me is resentful because she has always come to me with her stresses and her problems and laid them on me instead of (or, at times, in addition to) talking to someone her own age. I've always felt this pressure to be there for her and take care of/protect her. A part of me thinks, this is the way it should be. She should be taking care of me and helping me, not the other way around. Then again, I don't really think she's helping me... just being angry all the time. I feel like she's giving up on me, without really having tried to do anything.

For about a month after coming home, I felt I was growing really close to her and to God. We did devotions every morning and prayed and talked... I started making progress (comparatively speaking, anyway). Now I'm falling back and feeling more alone than ever. Why can't she understand how difficult this is? I mean, she's been overweight for my entire life and trying to lose weight off and on the whole time. I know it's the opposite problem, but I'd think she'd be able to relate somewhat to how difficult it is. Why can't she understand????? And, besides that, why can't I just get better???

 

[RuthD]

Lifting Kumichan up in prayer to the Lord. Please heal her dear Jesus.

I think your mother is like mine was. Putting all her problems on me while I had problems I didn't feel worthy to even mention to her. I think it helped me a lot when I first got counseling and all the attention was on me. Seeing a therapist would be helping yourself. Best wishes to you.

 

[Illuminated]

Hi,
I have an understanding of what you're talking about.
You do deserve to have special attention!!! You are your own person, and your mom or dad or anyone else in your life - even a boyfriend or girlfriend - cannot fully help you or fill that void. Yes, God is the answer, but don't feel selfish to pursue help for your SELF!!
Your family may be naive, and unable to help you ... which it sounds like they're obviously are, but God isn't. He's super strong and amazing to help.
Eating disorders are a mind thing. And they're spiritual too. Not many people realize that. I was able to get into counselling with a christian... THAT was AMAZING. But you might need more than just counselling. Have you heard of "MERCY"? Check out mercyministries.ca it's worth seriously looking at. My friend is going there. And she says it's really good.

God is the answer, but you have the power of choice. Choose life, for yourself, and for others. It's worth the change. Pain, tears, hurts, and suffering only last for a short time, might as well make it for a good and worthy cause. No matter what the price.
Remember, YOU DESERVE encouragement and support. You are worth it. Because you are special, chosen and purposed by God.