just kiddin'

[Ahavah]

“His clock is in Satan's office. He stole it and is using it as a ceiling fan.”

 

[Ahavah]

I Don't Want To Go To Church!

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"

 

[visionary]

Melbourne International Airport

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."
Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -
Allah be Praised."

Melbourne Tower : "Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air : "MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"
Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."
Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".

 

[visionary]

 

[pat34lee]

 

[visionary]

The U.S. government has just passed a new law entitled “The Affordable CAR Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new car by April, 2014.

These ‘affordable’ cars will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, tags, registration, fuel, maintenance, or repair costs.

This law has been passed because, until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase cars. This new law ensures that every American can now have an ‘affordable’ car of their own, because everyone is ‘entitled’ to a new car. If you purchase your car before the end of the year, you will receive four ‘free’ tires (does not include mounting).

In order to make sure everyone purchases an ‘affordable car,’ the cost of owning a car will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But, to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their car will be regularly fined and children (under the age of 26) can use their parents car(s) to drive until they turn 27, after which date they must purchase their own car.

If you already have a car, you can keep yours (not really). If you don’t want or don’t need a car, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. If you cannot (or don’t want to) purchase an ‘affordable car’ from a private business, you can buy a starter car from the U. S. government ‘affordable car exchange.’ Such a car will have the basic necessities and will only cost ‘slightly more’ than a similar car purchased from a private business. Plus, since your tax dollars will subsidize the purchase of a car from the U. S. government’s ‘affordable car exchange,’ it will appear that you are getting a good deal.

Failure to use the car will also result in fines. People living in areas with no access to roads are not exempt. Pre-existing conditions such as age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, nor lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your car.

A government review board will decide everything, including when, where, how often, and for what purposes you can use your car, along with how many people can ride in your car. The board will also determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their car, and will also decide if your car has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories like spinning rims or a newer and more expensive car.

Those that can afford luxury cars will be required to do so … it’s only fair. The government will also decide the color for each car. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a car, they and their families can obtain cars free at the expense of tax payers. This includes lifetime maintenance and automatic adjustments for fuel charges.

 

[visionary]

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.

The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

 

[visionary]

"Racketeer". The organized use of threats, coercion, intimidation, and violence to compel the payment for actual or alleged services of arbitrary or excessive charges under the guise of membership dues, protection fees, royalties, or service rates. United States v McGlone (DC Pa) 19 F Supp 285, 286." Ballentine’s Law Dictionary, page 1051

 

[visionary]

 

[Yusuphhai]

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.

The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.

The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”

North Korean leader would say 10000 years later the Party of Kim will still reign .Chinese leaders are more humble,can only say 100 years later CCP will still reign.

 

[Avodat]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

 

[visionary]

Don’t miss this hysterical comedy scene from a Jewish Indian! | Israel Video Network

 

[ChavaK]

Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native
land of Germany. He sold all his assets and
converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of solid
gold false teeth made.

When he arrived in New York the customs official
was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5
sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained.

"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes
for meat products and dairy products but I am so
kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well
that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the
other three?"

Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews
use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious
I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy
food.

The customs official slapped his head and then said,
"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth
for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover.
That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth
set?"

"Vell, to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham
sandwich."

 

[Avodat]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Seems to have kept a lot of people in suspense!

 

[HannibalFlavius]

No, I'm sorry, it was the Moops. The card clearly says, "Moops".

 

[visionary]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

 

[visionary]

 

[Avodat]

Nuh, prefer the cricket way - you just learn to bowl maidens over

 

[visionary]

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
---- The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' ----I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
-----Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
.. The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet....’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. .......The auditor's jaw drops.
--- Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
---Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
---- The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandpa's attorney as a witness. ---He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing' Grandpa asks? 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
--- The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
---- Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. ......The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. .....But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. ...'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. -----Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

[Avodat]

Having read that, Visionary, it reminds me that...

In the UK we have a very large supermarket company called Tesco, with a tag line on their tv adverts and banners that reads:

"Every little helps!"


However, in Scotland, the word that means 'little' is 'wee'.

I suppose, therefore, that all Tesco supermarkets in Scotland have changed their tag line on tv adverts and banners to read:

"Every wee helps!"