just kiddin'

[Yusuphhai]

Missionary Recruit - Cannot Speak Spanish

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was
going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but
eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the
church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the
crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the
front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary
recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit
stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup
and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the
preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and
tried to look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that
the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see
if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the
preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next
to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire
congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else
was standing. So he sat down. After the service ended, the preacher stood at
the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary
recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in
English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish." The missionary recruit
replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?" "Well yes," said the preacher, "I
announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud
father please stand up."

 

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The Israeli Ambassador's Speech

The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story.

"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert.

"When they reached the Promised Land, the people had become very thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

"Moses put down his staff and went to a solitary corner of the pond to drink, and meditate in prayer. But once Moses returned, he found that his staff had been stolen.

"I have reason to believe ladies and gentlemen that the Palestinians stole the staff of our great Prophet Moses.'"

The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no such thing as 'Palestinians' at that time!"

"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."

 

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A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

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Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this.... True story. (If you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it!)

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other.

Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.
When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse."

 

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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Saraland,AL, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby Walmart to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running and the windows rolled up. Her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay; Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to her, it actually had been 15 minutes, she blamed the inability to tell time on her head injury).

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to move her hands. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. From the back seat a biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and a Biden supporter; but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Trump's fault.

 

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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. ....
(get ready)
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

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The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]head is it?" "No, coach. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!

 

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I got pulled over on Rte 11 for doing 15 km over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to my car, i rolled my windows down.
My adorable and apparently incredibly smart 4 yr old Grandson, started screaming from the backseat,
“It’s coming out! I can’t hold it any longer Grandpa! It’s almost here! Grandpaaaaaaa!!!”
The officer is hearing him scream this and leans in the window and asks him,
“What’s going on here?”
My grandson looks him Dead in the face and says,
“I’ve got poop coming outta my bum!”
The officer started laughing. I looked like I was about to cry. He asked how far I had to go, which was about 3 kilometres to home. He told me to drive safe and get the little guy home to do his business. He could not stop laughing.
As soon as we pulled away I asked,
“What was that all about?”
This kid smirked and said,
“I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work.”
I said, “So You're not pooping?”
He said, “Nope and you're not in trouble either.”

 

[HARK!]

There was a pioneer who was making his way west; when his horse died. He made it on foot to the nearest small town to buy a new horse. When he arrived, at this one horse town; there was only one horse available for sale; and so he thankfully made his purchase of a fine horse.

He eagerly hopped on the horse's back, to be on his way. He shouted, "giddy up;" but the horse stood still. That is when the vendor said, "oh, I almost forgot to tell you. This horse belonged to a preacher. When you want go; you say 'good lord'. When you want to stop; you say 'amen'."

The pioneer said, "good lord;" and he was on his way. Shortly thereafter he came upon a snake. The horse reared up, and nearly threw him off. He exclaimed, GOOD LORD!" The horse began to run. Still getting over the shock of nearly falling of his horse, he said "good lord" again. The horse ran even faster.

He was still trying to gather his wits, when he saw that he was approaching a cliff. He said, "woah." Nothing happened. He yelled, "WOAH!" Again, no change; but now he was becoming frightened. He said, "good lord, good lord;" and now the horse was racing toward the cliff.

Then he remembered. He shouted, "AMEN!"

The horse came to an abrupt stop at the very edge of the cliff. He composed himself; as he looked out to appreciate the beauty of God's creation, and the splendor of the valley. He sighed a breath of relief; as he wiped the sweat from his forehead, and, in thanks, said, "good lord."