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just kiddin'

Discussion in 'Messianic Judaism' started by visionary, Nov 19, 2011.

  1. Yusuphhai

    Yusuphhai Messianic Arabic-Semitic Chinese

    +1,517
    China
    Messianic
    Single
    sadly story.
     
  2. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    I think she was pulling his leg.
     
  3. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    Childbirth at 65
    With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
    'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
    'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
    Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
    'No, not yet,' She said.
    After another few minutes had elapsed,
    I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
    'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
    Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
    'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
    'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
    'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!
     
  4. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
    One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."
    "Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."
    "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”
    “Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”
    Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
    The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
    "They usually saluted and said,
    "Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?"
     
  5. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
    At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
    The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
    The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
    But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
    Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
     
  6. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    Well, I'm in the Hospital. [​IMG]
    This has not been a good morning. After spending the last two weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many months. It turned out to be a horrible big mistake!
    I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as that horse could go! I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. That horse just would not stop!!
    Thankfully the manager of Dillon's came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant! [​IMG]
     
  7. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    What a night!
    I ordered Chinese from my favorite local place (won't name them) and went to pick it up. As I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
    I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
    I was driving so I pulled over and leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the egg rolls!
    I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
    And there it was ....
    ... A Peeking Duck!!!
     
  8. Yusuphhai

    Yusuphhai Messianic Arabic-Semitic Chinese

    +1,517
    China
    Messianic
    Single
    A Joke from former Soviet Union

    When Soviet Union astronauts accessed to the moon, they painted the whole moon with Red color. Soon American astronauts came to the moon, they painted with big White “Coca Cola”.
     
  9. Yusuphhai

    Yusuphhai Messianic Arabic-Semitic Chinese

    +1,517
    China
    Messianic
    Single
    A Joke from former Soviet Union 2:

    Three Prisoners privately talked about why they were put into prison. The first said:“ I was put into prison because I opposed Петров.” The second said:” I was put into prison because I supported Петров”. The third said:” I was put into prison because I am Петров.”
     
  10. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  11. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
     
  12. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  13. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  14. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  15. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

    Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

    He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

    Picture this:
    All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

    True story... Have a great day and remember...
    THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
     
  16. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  17. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  18. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  19. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    [​IMG]
     
  20. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

    +7,340
    Messianic
    A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
    On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine,were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
    Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
    stapled the tie to his chest.
    Dead silence.....
    The rest of the year went very smoothly.
     
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