just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

 

[ron4shua]

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

 

[ron4shua]

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"

As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.

The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did. The minister asked: "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"

The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

 

[ron4shua]

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key."

Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."

 

[ron4shua]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

 

[ron4shua]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands' lack of discretion shouts back...

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

[ron4shua]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and MandMs. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

One eye opened. The wife said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

 

[ron4shua]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

 

[ron4shua]

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a lagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
17. Every house belongs to the oldest female living there.

 

[ron4shua]

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

 

[ron4shua]

As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked.

"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.

"But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used."

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

 

[ron4shua]

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

 

[ron4shua]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

 

[ron4shua]

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

 

[ron4shua]

Grandpa Jones was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

 

[ron4shua]

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news" he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, quite risky, and you'll have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes for $20,000. A male brain costs $50,000."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does the male brain cost so much more?"

The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said to the entire group,�

"It's a standard pricing procedure. We mark the female brains down because they're used."

 

[ron4shua]

One day, three men were trekking through a jungle when they came across a violent, raging river. They had no idea how to cross. So the first man decided to pray:

'Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river.' Immediately he grew enormous muscles in his arms and legs, and he managed to swim across the river in a couple of hours, nearly drowning twice.

The second man saw this and he prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength AND the tools to cross this river.' A boat appeared from nowhere, and he battled across the river in an hour, nearly capsizing twice.

The third man saw this and prayed 'Please, God, give me the strength, the tools AND the intelligence to cross this river.'

Immediately he turned into a woman. She looked at the map, walked upstream a hundred yards, and crossed over the bridge to the other side.

 

[ron4shua]

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.

And the NUMBER ONE reason...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

 

[ron4shua]

While eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though the bill is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they want change back. When girls get the bill out come the calculators.

With money a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn't want.

In a bathroom a man has 5 items. A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn. A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify most of these Items.

In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beggining of a new argument.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking men kick cats.

A women worries about the future until she gets a husband. A husband doesn't worry about the future until he gets a wife.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book. A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.

A succsessful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

 

[ron4shua]

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

A truth : punctuation in Scripture translation is the bias and ignorance of the translators !