just kiddin'

[ContraMundum]

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?" "Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie." "Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?" "No" "Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?" "Bill Gates" "Country?" "The USA" "Native language?" "English" "Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?" "Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie." "We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?" "Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie." "Have you visited the Prime Minister before?" "Yes" "Were you hit in the face with a pie then?" "No" "Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?" "Yes" "Any pies then?" "No" "Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait." "Just a minute.." "Okay, I'm back." "Did you get hit by another pie?" "Of course not" "Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. (click)

Winner!

 

[visionary]

The worlds richest man Bill Gates dies and goes to St Peter... St Peter is embarrassed "I don't know what to do with you Bill ... you put a PC in every household ... on the other hand you made windows Vista. So I tell you what ... just chose between heaven and hell" Bill goes "Really, I can chose?" "Yes pick one" Peter says. Bill who is very professional: "Ok, can I visit both before deciding?" "Ok, just go's on. What do you want to start with?" Bill: "... why not start with hell?" And then they both went to hell. Magnificent. Great beaches, plenty sun and naked women every where, smiling at Bill. "That looks wonderful" Bill says. Now how about heaven? Then then went to heaven. Magnificent. Great beaches, plenty sun, just no naked women "Ok" Bill says, "I pick hell then."

After a week St Peter decided to visit Bill who was sent to Hell The poor guy was on the floor, screaming, scratching the ground with his nails. He shouted at St Peter: "No no no! I Can't stand it no more!" "What's wrong" St Peter asked? Bill goes "I don't understand, there is nothing to do with what I saw the first time" "Where is the beach? The naked women?" And St Peter: "That was just a demo."

 

[ron4shua]

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To Me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "In a minute."

 

[ron4shua]

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[ron4shua]

A much loved-minister of God once carried a secret burden of long- past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness.

A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. The minister, skeptical of her claims, asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed.

When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?" She said, "Yes."

"And did you ask Him what sin I committed?"

"Yes, I asked Him," she replied

"Well, what did He say?"

"He said, 'I don't remember.'"

 

[ron4shua]

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

 

[ron4shua]

A Sunday school teacher was asking her students some questions after a series of lessons on God's omnipotence. She asked, "Is there anything God can't do?"

All was silent. Finally, one boy held up his hand.

The teacher, on seeing this, was disappointed that they had missed the point of the lesson. She sighed and asked, "Well, what is it you think God can't do?"

The boy replied, "He can't please everybody."

 

[ron4shua]

One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy about six or seven was standing out in front of a ore window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags.

A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing.

They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, "Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday."

The little boy looked up at her and asked, "are you God, Ma'am?" She smiled down at him and replied, "No son, I'm just one of His children."

The little boy then said, "I knew you had to be some relation."

 

[ron4shua]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."

 

[ron4shua]

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked. One of the crowd responded, "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!"

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

 

[ron4shua]

Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal.

As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"

The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.

The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."

The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."

 

[ron4shua]

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?

Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

 

[ron4shua]

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? � - Jane

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.� - Elliot

Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!� - Eugene

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me.� - Allison

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick?� - Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? � - Anita

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?� - Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?� - Cindy

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries?� - Nan

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?� - Neil

Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.� - Robert

Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. � - Tom

 

[ron4shua]

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.� - Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.� - Denise

Dear God,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.� - Danny

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. � - Sam

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.� - Dean

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Brad

Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Ron

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?� - Marsha

Dear God,
If You watch me in Church Sunday. I'll show You my new shoes.� - Mickey

Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Chris

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea. - Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know that. I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell You who I am)

 

[ron4shua]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

 

[ron4shua]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those theives at the Post Office.

I know , an old one , but a good one .

 

[ron4shua]

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

 

[ron4shua]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

- On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

- On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

- Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

- On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

- On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating

- On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body

- On Boot's CHILDREN's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery

- On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

- On a kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.

- On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

- On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

- On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts

- On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

- On a chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

 

[ron4shua]

This is reportedly an actual phone dialog of a former WordPerfect customer support employee:

Support: "Hello, Technical Support; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

S: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

S: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."

S: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."

S: "Nothing?"
C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

S: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"

S: "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

S: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

S: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C: "What's a monitor?"

S: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."

S: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: "Yes, I think so."

S: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: "Yes, it is."

S: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."

S: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: "Okay, here it is."

S: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
C: "I can't reach."

S: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: "No."

S: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

S: "Dark?"
C: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

S: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."

S: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."

S: "A power?!? A *power* outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

S: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

S: "Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

S: "Tell them you're just too darn stupid to own a computer."

This is another oldie , must be true !

 

[ron4shua]

- As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

- Joan of Arc heard voices too.

- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

- As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

- When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

- As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

- I am at one with my duality.

- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

- Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

- To understand all is to fear all.

- I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

- The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

- My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.