just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

What Men Really Mean

• "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
• "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
• "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
• "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
• "We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
• "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
• "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
• "It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
• "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
• "You know how bad my memory is." "Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
• "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
• "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
• "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
• "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
• "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
• "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
• "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
• "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
• "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
• "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 

[ron4shua]

Officer Patrick McGuire of the New York City Police Department ...

...answers a call on his radio and reports to the scene of a car accident in the Queens-Midtown Tunnel. Officer McGuire notes that a new Buick had its front end merged with the rear end of a Chrysler.


The driver of the Buick was Father Francis O'Boyle; the driver of the Chrysler was Rabbi Isaac Goldstein.

After Officer McGuire verifies that Rabbi Goldstein has suffered no physical injuries in the accident, he walks back to survey the damages to each vehicle.

Then, Officer McGuire walks over to Father O'Boyle and asks him: "Tell me, Father, just how fast was that Rabbi going when he backed into you?"

 

[ron4shua]

Euphemisms For Being Stupid,

• If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted.
• Isn't firing on all 6 cylinders.
• Isn't firing on all thrusters.
• Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
• Like a pair of children s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp.
• Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
• Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby.
• You're the flower of my life (you blooming idiot).
• You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.
• Mind is in neutral, body is in gear.
• Mind like a rubber bear trap.
• Needing a few screws tightened.
• Not firing with all spark plugs.
• Not the brightest light in the harbor.
• Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
• Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
• Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
• Two hub caps short of a Buick.
• Warning--Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
• Off his rocker.
• On/off switch is stuck in the off position.
• One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
• One taco short of a combination plate.
• One teat short of an udder.
• One turbine short of an airplane.
• One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
• Too many yards between the goal posts.
• Requires directions to lay sod.
• Room temperature IQ.
• Running about a quart low.
• Running on empty.
• Sharp as a bowling ball.
• She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.
• She's not tied too tight to the pier.
• Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
• Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
• The elevator is stuck between floors.
• Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
• Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
• Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
• Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
• Dumb as a corn cob.
• Dumb as a stump.
• Dumber than a bag of rocks.
• Elevator doesn't quite make the top floor.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• Goes surfing in Nebraska.
• Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
• He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
• He played too much without a helmet.
• He s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut.
• He's got a leak in his think-tank.
• He's got a mind like a steel sieve.
• He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground.
• He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• He's so dense light bends around him.
• His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
• His cheese has slipped off his cracker.
• His porch light ain't on.
• If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
• If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
• If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off.
• If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.
• If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.

 

[visionary]

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and choked it to sleep with his two hands. A local journalist saw this happen, congratulated the man and told him he wanted to write a story called, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town. "Well, then," the journalist said, "the story will be called, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the journalist said in a huff, "the story will be called, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."

 

[ron4shua]

One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush.

"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.


"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."

 

[ron4shua]

Famous Last Words

• "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
• "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
• "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
• "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
• "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax." "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
• "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
• "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
• "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
• "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical
• Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
• "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organization in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
• "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
• "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
• "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
• "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
• "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
• "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

 

[ron4shua]

A leader in a Christian Science church...

... was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?"


"I'm afraid he's very ill."

"No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill."

The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time."

A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?"

"Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

 

[ron4shua]

An Atheist accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?"

The preacher has no time to reply.


"Well it’s a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgment, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replied the preacher!

 

[ron4shua]

Oscar, a German from North Dakota was an older, single gentleman...

... who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Oscarís neighborsí were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.


The priest came to visit Oscar, and suggested that Oscar convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Oscar attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Oscar he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are Catholic."

Oscar's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Oscar's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Oscar, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Oscar, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."

 

[ron4shua]

Some signs that the church choir you are going to direct is not so good.

• Quarantine sign on choir room.
• Nine of the organist's fingers are bandaged up due to arthritis.
• None of the sopranos can sing higher that the altos.
• All of the basses sing higher than the altos.
• The altos cannot sing at all.
• All of the music is dated B.C. (Before Caesar)
• The organ is beautiful, its wood tone matches the interior of the church and has been out of order since the 1930's.
• The replacement for the organ is a hurdy-gurdy c.1902.
• The minister only wants to hear one song, "Abide With Me" and he is tone-deaf.
• The congregation, also tone deaf, likes "Abide With Me", they also like Grand Ol' Opry songs and George Beverly Shea as a modern singer.
• All of the choir members who could sing converted to Judaism and moved to Haifa.
• All of the members from other churches who couldn't sing moved into your church.

 

[ron4shua]

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation...

... turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.


"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

 

[ron4shua]

Things You Never Hear In Church - take 2

• Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
• I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
• I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
• Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
• I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
• Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
• Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
• I’ve decided to cook the prime rib to serve at the potluck supper.
• The minister’s old mini-van has served him long enough. Let’s buy him a new Lexus SUV.
• For the pastor’s sake, let put all of the sick parishioners in the same hospital.
• Wow! This church accepts VISA and Mastercard!
• Let’s park in the back of the lot, so those older people can get a parking place near the door!
• I don’t care if the pro football game has started. I want to hear the end of this sermon!
• Everyone has turned his pledge cards in early!
• The trustees have reported that everything is in fine working order and nothing needs to be replaced.
• The choir is so good that I am going to donate money for their next three anthem copies.
• I don’t care what race or gender the new minister is, what the Lord provides is completely okay with me!

 

[ron4shua]

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 

[ron4shua]

XXXX
A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole...

... when a tall, stately, gray haired gentleman approached and asked if he could join him.


The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'

The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?

The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.'

The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'

The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'

 

[ron4shua]

The Lord Is My Shepherd

• A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.' (This is my personal favourite!)
  
• The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.' 'How come He doesn't answer it?' she asked.
  
• A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
  
• During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
  
• A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir,' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
  
• When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
  
• Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

 

[ron4shua]

Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."

"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."

 

[ron4shua]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

[ron4shua]

Things You Never Hear in Church

• Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
• I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
• Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
• I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
• I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
• Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
• I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
• Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
• Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
• Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

[ron4shua]

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

 

[ron4shua]

another...

... and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says,


"My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking.

Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third just sits there quietly.

So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."

The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."