just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose...

..., black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.


"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

 

[ron4shua]

You Know You're a Tech Geek When...

• When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
• When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
• When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
• When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
• When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
• When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
• When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
• When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
• When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
• When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
• When you can do hexadecimal arithimatic in your head.
• When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
• When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

 

[ron4shua]

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage . . .

. . . directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, a Protestant Reverend sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that, Darby?", Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby, look!" Said Pat removing his cap, "One o' the poor girls musta died!"

 

[ron4shua]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin . . .

. . . orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."


The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drink the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "it's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

 

[ron4shua]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman applied for the position of a laboratory assistant.




They all attend an interview. The laboratory manager comes out of his office with three jar and he gives one to each candidate. He informs them that in each jar is a live spider. He asks them to take the jar home informing them that whoever has the most comprehensive observation results will be given the job and a starting salary of $60,000.

The exhausted and weary looking candidates returned the following morning. Suddenly the managers door swings open and he shouts in the English man. "Well, what have you found out about your spider," asked the manager.

"Well it has eight legs, a hairy body and its runs in all different directions." Replied the Englishman.

"Is that all you have to report?" asks the manager.

"Err ... err ... yes" replied the English man. "

"OK, said the manager, "please take a seat outside and send in the Scottish man."

The Scottish was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Well it has eight legs, a brown body with lots of small hairs, it is only able to crawl three inches up the jar before falling back and the longest it stays still is five minutes."

"Very good," said the manager, "so far you have the job but I do have one more candidate to see, so could you please take a seat outside and send in the Irishman."

The Irishman was also asked what he had found out about his spider. "Watch this said the Irishman, who took the lid on off the jar and placed the spider on the managers desk. he said to the spider COME HERE!, the spider began walking towards him and he said STOP! and the spider stopped. Again the Irishman placed the spider back and said COME HERE! at which point the spider again began walking towards him, he again said STOP! and again the spider stopped."

"That's fantastic," said the manager fantastic, "this is worth a fortune, we will be rich !!!!."

The Irishman then said "eh if you think that's good wait for this." He picked up the spider placed it back and pulled all its legs off and then said to the spider "COME HERE!" the spider didn't move ........ "COME HERE!" Yelled the Irishman, but still the spider didn't move. The Irishman then screamed "COME HERE!!!" but still the spider didn't move.

The Irishman then proudly stood back and said to the manager "What do you think of that then!"

"Think what about what?" said the manager confused as to what he had proved.

"Well" said the Irishman, "it proves that when you pull a spiders legs off ..... they go deaf."

 

[ron4shua]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night ...

... celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"


Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked' . But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the pub."

 

[ron4shua]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' rather important to tell ye."


"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome here, Tim." says Brenda. "But where's me husband, Shamus?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Lass. There's been a simply tragic accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is gone. I'm dreadfully sorry, Lass."

Finally, Brenda looks up at Tim and tearfully asks, "Please tell me how it happened, Tim."

"Aw, Lass, it was terrible. Poor Shamus fell into a vat o' Guiness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my Sweet Jesus! But please tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no, Lass... not exactly."

"No?"

"No, fact is, he got out three times to visit the men's room."

 

[ron4shua]

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot...

The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

 

[ron4shua]

A man had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home...

... and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

 

[ron4shua]

Late Night humor

• • President Obama is giving the NSA new guidelines on gathering data on American citizens. He says the NSA can no longer violate anyone's constitutionally protected right to privacy. That, of course, will be Target's job. - Jay Leno
  • The smog from factories in China is traveling across the Pacific and now is hitting the U.S. So now even our smog is made in China. We don't even have American smog anymore. - Conan O'Brien
  • Meteorologists say New York City is experiencing "blizzard-like conditions." I'm no expert, but by gosh, isn't that a blizzard? - David Letterman
  • Bill Gates said he’s a little nervous about his interview, but if we run into any trouble, I’ll just unplug him, wait a few seconds, and then reboot him. - Jimmy Fallon
  • According to a report in the British Journal of Psychiatry, comedians often have psychotic personality traits. The report said these psychotic traits tend to emerge right after they’ve been fired from their job. That’s what it said. So . . . say hello to my little friend! - Jay Leno
  • Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis says Governor Chris Christie canceled a position for him when he did something Christie didn't like. When asked what he did, Lewis said "a sit-up." -Conan O'Brien
  • If you're planning to drive across the river and cross the George Washington Bridge to attend the Super Bowl, you'd better leave now. - David Letterman
  • The White House announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he’s the Pope. He has to believe in miracles. - Jay Leno
  • Oprah's movie "The Butler" was not nominated for the best picture Oscar. Oprah is said to be very disappointed but she's being comforted but her 700 REAL butlers. - Conan O'Brien
  • Alex Rodriguez has a lot of trouble. He is suing everybody in baseball, and meanwhile he is terribly out of shape. He hasn't played ball in a long time. Gee, I wonder what a guy like that does to get back into top physical condition. - David Letterman
  • Unfortunately I wasn't nominated for an Oscar again this year. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get one now. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. In fact, a recent poll shows that most pot smokers couldn't care less. - Jay Leno
  • A new poll found that the approval rating of French President Francois Hollande has actually gone up since he was accused of having an affair. Or as Chris Christie's interns put, 'No it!' - Jimmy Fallon
  • In a new interview that just came out, First Lady Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. The First Lady said if Barack's popularity keeps dropping, I do not want to be recognized. - Conan O'Brien
  • Legal experts say if Justin Bieber is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. They also say if he is found to have cocaine in his system, he could be elected mayor of Toronto. - Conan O'Brien
  • Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address: he said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey. - Jay Leno
  • Police are searching Justin Bieber's home for evidence in an egg-throwing vandalism scandal. You know you're a real gangster when the police raid your home looking for something from the dairy aisle. - Conan
  • The rollout of the Affordable Care Act continues to be terrible. Now comes news that not enough young, healthy Americans are signing up. Did they expect young people to buy insurance the same time that Play Station 4 comes out? - Jimmy Kimmel
  • The Labor Department reported that last month 347,000 people quit looking for work. And in New Jersey, 50,000 people quit DRIVING to work. - Jay Leno
  • It was announced that President Obama is going to visit Pope Francis. Obama said he can't wait to tell the Pope, "You know, they liked me a lot, too, that first year." - Conan O'Brien
  • We have a breakdown of the regimen of banned substances that Alex Rodriguez took daily. Four injections of performance-enhancing drugs. Two testosterone lozenges. two different skin creams. A handful of anti-aging pills. And a Tic-Tac. - David Letterman
  • Justin Bieber was accused of egging his neighbor's house. The neighbor claimed he caused about $20,000 in damage. He throws Fabergé eggs only. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • We're learning more about this George Washington Bridge scandal. During the traffic jam, a two-block commute that would normally take five minutes took 45 minutes to an hour. As we call that in L.A., "making pretty good time." We would kill for that on the 405 Freeway. - Jay Leno
  • Governor Christie was asked, "Do you think this will hurt your chances of being president of the United States. And he said, "Hey, we'll close that bridge when we come to it." - David Letterman
• People in New York are getting to know new Mayor Bill de Blasio. Last Friday he was spotted eating pizza with a knife and fork. New Yorkers are upset. His first scandal in office is eating pizza with a knife and fork. When he heard that, Chris Christie was like, "Hey, wanna trade scandals?" - Jimmy Fallon

 

[ron4shua]

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime.

On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

 

[ron4shua]

Famous Quotes

• I can resist anything except temptation. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
• The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
• One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
• Without passion man is mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark. Henry Amiel (1921 – 1991) Swiss Philosopher
• She who has never loved, has never lived. John Gay (1688 – 1732) English Play-writer
• What’s man’s first duty? The answer is brief: to be himself. Henrik Ibsen (1828 – 1906) Norwegian Dramatist
• Marriage, if one will face the truth, is an evil, but a necessary evil. Menander (c. 342-c. 291 B.C.) Greek Comic Dramatist
• Man is born to live and not to prepare to live. Boris Pasternak (1890 – 1960) Russian Writer
• Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. Benjamin Franklin (1706 – 1790) American Scientist, Diplomat
• The majority of the dreams of adult deal with sexual material and express erotic wishes. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
• To make love the requirement of a lifelong marriage is exceedingly difficult, and only a very few people can achieve it. I don’t believe in setting up universal standards that a large proportion of people can’t reach. Margaret Mead (1901 – 1978) American Anthropologist
• My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But, ah, my foes, and oh, my friends – It gives a lovely light! Edna Millay (1892 – 1950) American Poet
• Pure women are only those who have not been asked; and a man who is angry at his wife’s amours is mere rustic. Ovid (43 B.C. – 18 A.D.) Roman Poet
• Love is free; to promise for ever to love the same woman is not less absurd that to promise to believe that same creed; such a vow in both cases excludes us from all inquiry. Percy Shelley (1792 – 1822) English Poet
• It is impossible to repent of love. The sin of love doesn’t exist. Murial Spark (1918 – 2006) British Writer
• In a wife I would desire what in harlots is always found - The lineaments of gratified desire. William Blake (1757 – 1827) English Poet, Artist
• Time, which strengthens friendship, weakens love. Jean de la Bruyre (1645 – 1696) French essayist, Moralist
• A wife is a burden imposed by law. Petronius (c.66 A.D.) Roman Writer
• Home life is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo. Bernard Shaw (1856 – 1950) Irish Dramatist
• …marriage is a very alienating institution, for men as well as for women… It’s a very dangerous institution – dangerous for men who find themselves trapped, saddled with a wife and children to support, dangerous for women, who aren’t financially independent and end up depending on men who can throw them out when they are 40, and dangerous for children because their parents vent all their frustration on them. Simone de Beauvoir (1908 – 1986) French Writer
• When the coin is tossed either Love or Lust will fall uppermost. But if the metal is right, under the one will always be other. Gerald Brenan (1894 – 1987) British Writer
• Love, the strongest and deepest element in all lives, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws; love, the freest, the most powerful moulder of human destiny, how can such an all-compelling force be synonymous with that poor little State and Church-begotten weed, marriage? Emma Goldman (1869 – 1940) Russian-born American Feminist, Writer
• There is only one real tragedy in woman’s life. The fact that the past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
• The passions are the gates of the soul. Baltasar Gracian (1601 – 1658) Spanish Jesuit Writer
• To burn always with this hard, gem-like flame, to maintain this ecstasy, is success in life. Walter Pater (1839 – 1894) English man of letters
• Sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove the stimulus and liberation of our finest and most exalted activities. Henry Ellis (1859 – 1939) British Psychologist, Writer
• Sex is a biological fact which is hard to evaluate psychologically, although it is of extraordinary importance in mental life. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
• Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon… Henry Mencken (1880 – 1956) American Critic, Editor
• The sexual impulse next to the love of life shows itself the strongest and most powerful… Arthur Schopenhauer (1738 – 1860) German Philosopher
• We all live, at any rate for a time, and most of us always, in poligamy. Arthur Schopenhauer (1738 – 1860) German Philosopher
• There is no use arguing about poligamy; it must be taken as de facto existing everywhere, and the only question is how it shall be regulated. Arthur Schopenhauer (1738 – 1860) German Philosopher
• The most revolutionary invention of the 19th century was the artificial sterilization of marriage. George Bernard Shaw (1856 – 1950) Irish Dramatist
• Sex is the foundation of marriage. Yet, most of married couples do not know the A B C of sex. Theodore H. Van de Veld (1873 – ?) Dutch Physician
• Lies are essential to humanity. They are perhaps as important as the pursuit of pleasure and moreover are dictated by that pursuit. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1923) French Novelist
• There is nothing like sexual desire to keep our words from having anything to do with our thoughts. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1923) French Novelist
• Puritan tradition, combined with Christian management of adolescence, has converted the sexual life of civilized men and women into a neurosis. Robert Briffault (1876 – 1948) British Surgeon, Novelist
• Wives are young men’s mistresses; companions for middle age; and old men’s nurses… But yet he was reputed one of the wise men, that made answer to the question when a man should marry? A young man not yet, an older man not at all. Francis Bacon (1561 – 1626) English Essayist, Philosopher
• To say that you can love one person all your life is just like saying that one candle will continue burning as long as you live. Leo Tolstoy (1828 – 1910) Russian Writer
• An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring… I ought to know. Bette Davis (1908 – 1989) American Actress
• Romantic love is an illusion. Most of us discover this truth at the end of a love affair or else when the sweet emotions of love lead us into marriage and then turn down their flames. Thomas Moore (1779 – 1852) Irish Poet, Singer, Entertainer
• Promiscuity is like never reading past the first page. Monogamy is like reading the same book over and over. Mason Cooley (1927 – 2002) American Aphorist
• I think that monogamy is artificial. I do not think it’s something that comes naturally to us. Tom Ford (born 1961) American Fashion Designer
• Love has been in perpetual strife with monogamy. A great poet has seldom sung of lawfully wedded happiness, but often of free and secret love; and in this respect, too, the time is coming when there will no longer be one standard of morality for poetry, and another for life. Ellen Key (1849 – 1926) Swedish Feminist, Writer
• Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy. Huey Long (1893 – 1935) Louisiana Governor, US Senator
• Marriage requires a special talent, like acting. Monogamy requires genius. Warren Beatty (born 1937) American Actor
• I don’t think being monogamous is a natural instinct for human beings, but it doesn’t mean I don’t believe in monogamy or true love. I believe in finding a soul mate. Monogamy can be hard work for some people. I don’t think it applies to everybody, and I don’t think a lot of people can do it. Scarlett Johannson (born 1984) American Actress
• Monogamy is impossible these days for both sexes. I don’t know anyone who’s faithful or wants to be. Goldie Hawn (born 1945) American Actress
• Monogamy is like good crystal – beautiful – but once you get it, all it takes is one chip and it’s never the same again. Fred Barton (born 1958) American Composer, Director, Actor, Singer, Pianist
• Personally I know nothing about sex because I’ve always been married. Zsa`Zsa Gabor (born 1917) Hungarian-born American Actress
• If kissing and being engaged were this inflammatory, marriage must burn clear to the bone. I wondered how flesh and blood could endure the ecstasy. How did married couples manage to look so calm and unexcited? Jessamyn West (1902 – 1984) American Writer
• If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. Katharine Hepburn (1907 – 2003) American Actress
• Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance. Jane Austen (1775 – 1817) English Novelist
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900) Irish Playwright, Poet and Author
• I said to this priest: ‘Am I expected to believe that if I went out and had an affair that Godwas really going to be upset? Okay, thou shalt not kill… steal… but thou shalt not commit adultery? If no one is any the wiser, what the hell difference does it make?’ He was lovely. He told me the Commandments were laid down for a lot of guys living in the desert’. Diana Dors (1931 – 1984) English actress and Sex Symbol
• The sexual act cannot be reduced to a chapter on hygienics; it is an exciting, dark, sinful, diabolical experience… Sex multiplies the possibilities of desire. Luis Bunuel (1900 – 1983) Spanish Movie Maker
• In her first passion woman loves her lover, In all the others all she loves is love. Lord Byron (1788 – 1824) English Poet
• Adultery, without two persons to commit it, is not possible. Saint Jerome (c.340 – 420) Roman Theologian
• Love knows no rule. Saint Jerome (c.340 – 420) Roman Theologian
• The Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct. Somerset Maugham (1874 – 1965) British Writer
• The greatest tragedy of life is not that men parish, but that they cease to love. Somerset Maugham (1874 – 1965) British Writer
• We think and name in one world, we live and feel in another. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1922) French Novelist
• We love only what we do not completely possess. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1922) French Novelist
• Adultery introduces spirit into what might otherwise have been the dead letter of marriage. Marcel Proust (1871 – 1922) French Novelist
• It is hardly granted by God to love and to be wise. Publilius Syrus (1st century B.C.) Syria-born Latin Writer
• To abandon the struggle for private happiness, to expel all eagerness of temporary desire, to burn with passion for eternal things – this is emancipation, and this is the free man’s worship. Bertrand Russell (1872 – 1970) British Mathematician, Philosopher
• The psychology of adultery has been falsified by conventional morals, which assume, in Monogamous countries, that attraction to one person cannot coexist with a serious affection for another. Everybody knows that this is untrue. Bertrand Russell (1872 – 1970) British Mathematician, Philosopher
• Marriage has, as you say, no natural relation to love. Marriage belongs to society; it is a social contract. Samuel Coleridge (1772 – 1834) British Poet, Philosopher
• The man’s desire is for a woman; but the woman’s desire is rarely other than for the desire of the man. Samuel Coleridge (1772 – 1834) British Poet, Philosopher
• That very name of wife and marriage Is poison to the dearest sweets of love. John Dryden (1631 – 1700) English Poet, Critic
• By annihilating the desires, you annihilate the mind. Every man without passion has within him no principle of action, not motive to act. Claud-Adrian Helovetius (1715 – 1771) French Philosopher
• Once a man’s married he’s absolutely [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed. Ernest Hemingway (1898 – 1961) American Writer
• There is not man in a world who doth not look at another’s wife, if beautiful and young, with a degree of desire. The Hitopadesa – Collection of Hindu Writings
• Much of our most highly valued cultured heritage has been acquired at the cost of our sexuality. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
• The symptoms of neurosis, as we have learnt, are essentially substitute gratifications forunfulfilled sexual wishes. Sigmund Freud (1856 – 1939) Austrian originator of phychoanalysis
• …most men seem (not without some ground) to identify the good, or happiness, with pleasure; which is the reason why they love the life of enjoyment. Aristotle (384 – 322) Greek Philosopher
• How true is saying, "It is impossible to live with the tormentors [women], impossible to live without them." Aristophanes (c.450 – 385 B.C.) Athenian Poet, Dramatist
• I think that the pleasure is to be deemed natural which arises out of the intercourse between men and women… Plato (428 – 348 B.C.) Athenian Philosopher
• Sex is the ersatz or substitute religion of the 20th Century. Malcolm Muggeridge (1903 – 1990) British Journalist, Satirist
• Sex is the mysticism of materialism and the only possible religion in a materialistic society. Malcolm Muggeridge (1903 – 1990) British Journalist, Satirist
• The [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] has replaced the cross as the focus of longing and fulfillment. Malcolm Muggeridge (1903 – 1990) British Journalist, Satirist
• Cherchez la femme. Look for the woman. Alexandre Dumas (1803 – 1870) French Writer
• The substance of our lives is woman. All other things are irrelevancies, hypocrisies, subterfuges. We sit talking about sports and politics, and all the whiles our hearts are filled with memories of women and capture of women. George Moore (1852 – 1933) Irish Novelist
• Men of reason have endured; men of passion have lived. Sebastien Chamfort (1741 – 1794) French man of letters
• A movement of the soul contrary to nature in the sense of disobedience to reason, that is what passions are. Clement of Alexandria (150? – 220?) Church Father
• Only the passions, only great passions, can elevate the mind to great things. Denis Diderot (1713 – 1784) French Philosopher
• Man is only great when he acts from the passions. Benjamin Disraeli (1804 – 1881) English Statesman, Novelist
• One Year of Joy, another of Comfort, the rest of Contentment, make the married life happy. Thomas Fuller (1654 – 1734) English Cleric

 

[ron4shua]

http://www.emmitsburg.net/humor/daily_additions/2014/feb/images/6.jpg

 

[ron4shua]

A man walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."


The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.


Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the elderly Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.


The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.


The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The elderly Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"


The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

[ron4shua]

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.

The family drove wildly to
get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his
scrubs and a long face.




Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still
beating."



"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"


 

[ron4shua]

What Men Call their Women

What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....

• Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
• Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
• Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
• Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
• Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
• Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
• Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
• My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
• The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
• My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
• The missus -- See The Wife.
• My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
• My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
• She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house...

 

[ron4shua]

Things Women Want to Hear, but Never Do

• Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.
• Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.
• Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.
• What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
• You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.
• What a break, I won a prize on the radio station.... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!
• Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.
• Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.
• Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.
• I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
• You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
• Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
• My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.
• If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.
• Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.
• If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.
• You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.
• Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

 

[ron4shua]

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.


"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,

"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

 

[ron4shua]

T'was the Night Before Christmas ...

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except me and my spouse


The stockings were empty, no presents were wrapped
We were way behind schedule and our resources tapped

The children were nestled all snug in the beds,
While the horrors of assembling danced in our heads

Dad armed with a screwdriver, ready and poised
To build a red trike for one of our boys.

When off in the hall there arose a strange noise
We dove over boxes to hide all the toys

The thud, it turned out, was our dumb puppy Paul
Who was chasing the cat and ran into the wall

Back to his task, Dad cursed at his mess
I suspect he was lost, but he'd never confess

He wrestled with parts and fumbled with tools
Emailed the manufacturer and called them all fools

After hours of struggle, the bike finally took shape,
With a few cuts and bruises and the aid of duct tape

He stood back and gaped at the bike he just built
It weaved and it wobbled and rolled with a tilt.

His frustration grew; his voice shook as he spoke
"The directions are Greek, it's all a sick joke."

At this point he snapped, his thinking unclear
He'll do something stupid; this was my big fear.

He grabbed each toy's instructions, oh why won't he learn,
Tossed them into the fire, chanting "burn baby burn"

"Burn Disney, burn Huffy, to blazes with you
Burn Fisher Price, Playskool and Hasbro, too"

As smoke filled the room, this was his first clue
That in a moment of haste, he had neglected the flue

To the top of the mantle, to the top of the wall
A black cloud developed and ash settled on all

Soot landed on stockings and covered the tree
And gave a look of charcoal to all we could see

The firemen came, dressed in yellow, like sun
Seems the neighbors saw smoke and dialed 9-1-1

Out came the axe, out came the hoses
Out came a Dalmatian who trampled my roses.

"There's no trouble here," I swore up and down
Realizing this faux pas would soon be 'round town

"My husband's a good man," I tried to explain
"The instructions weren't clear. It drove him insane"

The fire chief nodded and gathered his crew
Hopped onto their truck and away they all flew

But I heard them converse as they drove out of sight
"Her husband's the third jerk who's done that tonight!"

 

[ron4shua]

T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was p___ed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have good mind to scrap the whole works.


I've busted my a__ for damn near a year and Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]es cause I work late at night; The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight!

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those idiots from IRS sent
me a letter! They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny! Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money!

And the kids these days - they all are the pits: They want the impossible ... Those mean little rats! I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads. I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them. They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat a__ and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year...and the reason is simple: I found me a blonde.. And I'm SOUTH for the season!!