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just kiddin'
- Thread starter visionary
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The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Canada, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no ark.
Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".
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"No", said the Lord. ........"The Government beat me to it"
Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Departments of Highways and Hydro demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then Environment Canada ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, the Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".
\
"No", said the Lord. ........"The Government beat me to it"
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I do apologize for that one offensive word. I do relate and understand this frustrated emphasis though.
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An observant Jew called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Gd for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........
"Gd, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue............
"Gd, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the Synagogue................. .
"My Gd, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GD himself :
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A BLESSED TICKET".
"Gd, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue............
"Gd, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the Synagogue................. .
"My Gd, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and my children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GD himself :
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE....BUY A BLESSED TICKET".
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ron4shua
" ... each in our own order " , Hallelu-YAH .
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I think that if Aliens ever visit earth, we should act superior to them; I mean, sure they can travel through space faster than the speed of light, but I bet they don't know even one good blonde joke.
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ron4shua
" ... each in our own order " , Hallelu-YAH .
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When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off. I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy.
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ron4shua
" ... each in our own order " , Hallelu-YAH .
- Aug 3, 2014
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I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought.
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ron4shua
" ... each in our own order " , Hallelu-YAH .
- Aug 3, 2014
- 2,599
- 486
- Gender
- Male
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I think having "MEN" and "WOMEN" signs on bathrooms is a bad idea, because if aliens thought those rooms held standard specimens and went in to record data, they'd get some pretty bizarre examples.
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