Trying to catch my breath, wiping the tears from my eyes so that I can type, I slowly subside from a gut retching giggle fit, enough to post this. The Most Craziest Fart Story Ever. This Is Priceless. - Heartwarming
Upvote
0
-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
just kiddin'
- Thread starter visionary
- Start date
A Wife wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I've seen wildlife eating them and they seem OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she
decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as
possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll
call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,
"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I've seen wildlife eating them and they seem OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she
decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as
possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll
call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.
We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,
"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,
"I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".
Upvote
0
Shoshana bat Noach
Daughter of Noah
A very elderly rabbi was walking out of his synagogue when a gust of wind blew his hat off. Being so frail, he was unable to fetch it, but a Catholic man walking out of the church across the road grabbed it and returned it to him.
"May the Lord bless you," the rabbi said, touching the Catholic man's shoulder. The Catholic man thought "The rabbi's just blessed me, this could be my lucky day!" So he went to the racetrack and bet fifty dollars on a horse called Stetson at 20/1. It came in first, so he decided to bet all his money on a horse named Fedora at 50/1 in the second race. Fedora came in first, and he continued betting.
At the end of the day, the man returned home. His wife asked him where he'd been, to which he replied that he'd been betting on horses named after hats after being blessed by a rabbi after catching his fedora.
"So where's the money?" his wife said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse called Chateau and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau means 'house'! A CHAPEAU is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter, the winner came in at 500/1 and was a Japanese horse called Yarmulke."
"May the Lord bless you," the rabbi said, touching the Catholic man's shoulder. The Catholic man thought "The rabbi's just blessed me, this could be my lucky day!" So he went to the racetrack and bet fifty dollars on a horse called Stetson at 20/1. It came in first, so he decided to bet all his money on a horse named Fedora at 50/1 in the second race. Fedora came in first, and he continued betting.
At the end of the day, the man returned home. His wife asked him where he'd been, to which he replied that he'd been betting on horses named after hats after being blessed by a rabbi after catching his fedora.
"So where's the money?" his wife said.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse called Chateau and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau means 'house'! A CHAPEAU is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter, the winner came in at 500/1 and was a Japanese horse called Yarmulke."
Upvote
0
A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi walked into their favorite bar, where they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop. On this particular afternoon, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Upvote
0
- Jun 18, 2014
- 30,522
- 16,853
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Messianic
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Others
A Pentecostal church, a Catholic church and a Conservative synagogue occupy 3 corners of an intersection. On the 4th corner was a new/used car dealership. One day the leaders of all 3 houses of worship decide they need new rides and purchace brand new cars. The next morning the Catholic priest and the rabbi were awakened to the sound of the Pentecostal minister. They look out and see him pouring olive oil over the hood of the car and screaming in tongues over it. So the priest goes and gets some holy water and sprinkles his new car.
Not to be outdone, the rabbi goes into his garage, finds a hack saw and cuts an inch off of the tail pipe.
Not to be outdone, the rabbi goes into his garage, finds a hack saw and cuts an inch off of the tail pipe.
Upvote
0
Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer :
I made a traffic stop of an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS . I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a thing!"
I made a traffic stop of an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS . I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance. The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a concealed carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a thing!"
Upvote
0
An Israeli is on vacation and is visiting a zoo in England when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside his cage, right under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my lifetime.
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little girl in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.
So, what country are you from, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The Israeli replies, "I'm from Israel. I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
The Israeli runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the Israeli brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him profusely.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says to the Israeli: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do in my lifetime.
The Israeli replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really.The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little girl in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this doesn't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.
So, what country are you from, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The Israeli replies, "I'm from Israel. I serve in the Israeli army and I vote for the Likud."
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the Israeli buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"RIGHT-WING ISRAELI ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
Upvote
0
Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Last edited:
Upvote
0
A large group of Islamic State group terrorists in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune: “One U.S. Marine is better than 10 ISIS fighters.”
The terrorist commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a brief gun battle breaks out. Then … silence.
The same voice once again calls out: “One U.S. Marine is better than 100 ISIS losers!”
Furious, the commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and into battle. After a few minutes of intense gunfire … more silence.
The voice calls out again: “One U.S. Marine is better than 1,000 ISIS cowards!”
The now-enraged commander orders 1,000 of his best warriors over the dune, when a terrible battle is then fought. He hears small arms fire, machine-guns, grenades, rockets … and then silence.
Finally, one badly wounded Islamic State terrorist crawls back over the dune, leaving a trail of blood and gore behind him, and with his dying breath, warns his commander:
“Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap! There are two of them!“
The terrorist commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a brief gun battle breaks out. Then … silence.
The same voice once again calls out: “One U.S. Marine is better than 100 ISIS losers!”
Furious, the commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and into battle. After a few minutes of intense gunfire … more silence.
The voice calls out again: “One U.S. Marine is better than 1,000 ISIS cowards!”
The now-enraged commander orders 1,000 of his best warriors over the dune, when a terrible battle is then fought. He hears small arms fire, machine-guns, grenades, rockets … and then silence.
Finally, one badly wounded Islamic State terrorist crawls back over the dune, leaving a trail of blood and gore behind him, and with his dying breath, warns his commander:
“Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap! There are two of them!“
Upvote
0
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11....
Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Upvote
0
The first Jewish President of the United States has been inaugurated, and the first Jewish holiday that follows is Purim. So he calls up his mother to invite her to the White House for Purim.
Their conversation goes something like this:
President: Mom, with Purim being the first holiday after my inauguration, I want to celebrate it with us at the White House.
Mom: Oh, I don't know. I'll have to get to the airport and...
President: Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!
Mom: OK, but when I get to the airport, I'll have to stand on the line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oh, it will be so difficult for me.
President: Mom, don't worry about standing on lines or any of that. I'm the most powerful person in the world. I'm the President. I'll send Air Force One for you!!
Mom: Well, OK. But when I get to Washington, I'll have to find a cab and...
President: Momma, please! I'll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring right to the White House lawn!!!
Mom: Well, yeah. But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room...
President: Momma, we have this whole big White House!!!! There will be plenty of room!!!! Please join us for Purim?
Mom: Ok, I'll be there.
Two seconds later, she calls her friend:
Mom: Hello, Sadie?!! Guess what? I'm spending Purim at my son's house!!
Sadie: Oh, the doctor?
Mom: No, the other one.
Their conversation goes something like this:
President: Mom, with Purim being the first holiday after my inauguration, I want to celebrate it with us at the White House.
Mom: Oh, I don't know. I'll have to get to the airport and...
President: Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send a limo for you to take you right to the airport!
Mom: OK, but when I get to the airport, I'll have to stand on the line to buy a ticket and check my baggage. Oh, it will be so difficult for me.
President: Mom, don't worry about standing on lines or any of that. I'm the most powerful person in the world. I'm the President. I'll send Air Force One for you!!
Mom: Well, OK. But when I get to Washington, I'll have to find a cab and...
President: Momma, please! I'll have a helicopter waiting for you. It will bring right to the White House lawn!!!
Mom: Well, yeah. But where will I stay? Can I get a hotel room...
President: Momma, we have this whole big White House!!!! There will be plenty of room!!!! Please join us for Purim?
Mom: Ok, I'll be there.
Two seconds later, she calls her friend:
Mom: Hello, Sadie?!! Guess what? I'm spending Purim at my son's house!!
Sadie: Oh, the doctor?
Mom: No, the other one.
Upvote
0
Similar threads
