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MWood

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LOL! Somebody don't have enough too do. LOL!
 
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MWood

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TIME TO MAKE UP!

After an evening of vigorous sibling disagreements three children finally went to bed. A few hours later, a major thunderstorm woke them up. When their father heard the children conversing upstairs, he called out to see what was happening. A small, timid voice answered, "We're all in the closet forgiving one another!"
 
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visionary

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.
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This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned our country that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt ,Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us anymore presidents.
 
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pat34lee

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[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When Columbus came to America, there were no taxes, no debts, and no pollution. The women worked at home while the men hunted or fished all day. Ever since then, a bunch of idiotic do-gooders have been trying to "improve" the place.[/FONT]
 
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visionary

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.
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Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant, when Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter said, "I don't know señor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, señor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said "Señor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Señor, I ask EVERYONE!" replied the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews!"
 
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visionary

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.
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An old Jewish man finally got his visa to leave the USSR and emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs official found his bust of Lenin.

"What is that?"

"WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! This is Lenin, the genius who created our worker's paradise!"

The Soviet official chuckled and let the old man through.

When the old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

"What is that?"

"WHAT is that?! You mean WHO is that?! This is Lenin, the horrible man I will display him over my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home!"

The Israeli official laughed and let him through.

When the old man arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

"Who is that?"

"WHO is that?! You mean WHAT is that?! THAT, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"
 
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visionary

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.
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A group of scientists discovered how to "make" or clone, a human so they decided they didn't need God anymore and sent one of them to tell God. "God", he said "We don't need you anymore." "Why not" asked God. "Because we can do the same thing You did - we can make man." God said, "Okay but before you go, let's have a contest." "Sure" said the scientist. God said "We will both make a man right now and see who gets it right." "Ok" said the scientist and reached down for a handful of dirt. "Oh no," said God. "Get your own dirt."
 
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visionary

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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!
 
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Alithis

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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

A blind man walks into a bar......... And a table. .....And a chair.
 
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