I'm not feeling all too great. To give a general background I self injure, have no self esteem, have been 'diagnosed with 1 point off of severe depression and anxiety', and have just been having a really bad time lately.
I honestly don't know what to do, and no offense to any of you please, but the fact that I'm typing this on an online forum shows just how desperate I am. (I'm not saying everyone here is desperate, i'm just a stubborn person and if you knew me you'd know that a forum is a last resort). Anyways...
My boyfriend of 1 year left me a little less than a week ago saying that I was high maintenance and that he just didn't have the strength to keep 'us' going. I know what he meant to say was that I'm really difficult to date because of all the problems I listed before and he can't take it anymore. Now we haven't spoken since, and I understand, but I made the mistake to trust him and have also lost the only friend I had.
All my 'friends' have moved on the college and i'm sure I won't see them anymore since they've gone out of state and have never really cared anyhow. I feel utterly alone. I find myself trying to work more hours just to keep my mind off of life. I've been having 'dark' thoughts lately and made an attempt over a week ago, but I just can't get over this horrible feeling. I'm desperate for God, pills (which i never take unless i absolutely have to), shrinks (who i have a fear of), anything that helps. I've been crying myself to sleep everyday, and often find myself dangerously pensive during the day. Work is the only thing that relieves me for a moment but even then if something goes wrong there then I absolutely flip out.
When i'm not at work I'm at home, in my room, in the basement, sleeping or alone doing nothing. I have no one to talk to whether it's the phone, IM, neighbor, or anything at all. When I say I am alone I mean it quite literally. My house is also consumed with stress and has a very thick and frustrating atmosphere.
I'm flipping out here. I need help and I can't seem to find it.
Welcome to CF sister.
I like to congratulate you. The scales are starting to come off your eyes and you know that you have a problem. Humility is always the first step.
You have come to seek help, and I will guide you as best I can. I am going to be very straight forward thou sister. I need you to realize that no one can rescue you. Ultimately ONLY YOU can save yourself. This thread is first sign of you making a change to do so. (why I congratulated you). God, our Lord Jesus, these forums, online resources, professional counsellors/theorpists, and true friends are all tools for you to pick yourself back up. All these tools will be here for you, please do not be afraid to us them.
Like I tell everyone, learn to build your faith. Take your mind which is built on sand and start the process of transfering it onto solid Rock.
Luke 6:46-49
Building on a Solid Foundation
46 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? 47 I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. 48 It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. 49 But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”
Borrow or invest in a bible that you can understand. There are all sorts of versions now of days. Personally I used New Living Translation. I recommend you get the Life Application bible too. It comes with miniture sermans and added info to help you understand.
Now here is a passage that has helped me thru my maturity process.
2 Chronicles 7:14-15
14 Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and restore their land. 15 My eyes will be open and my ears attentive to every prayer made in this place.
This is from when God talked directly to the Hebrew long ago. He said it plain;
1. when you humble yourself(sound familiar?) to admit to God what he already knows. God loves humility, for he knows are hearts better than we do.
2. pray to our Lord (at the time we had to go to a temple to talk to God, now we speak directly thru Jesus) who is an Almighty God capible of the impossible
3. Seek his face which means never stop trying to understand our Great Father and understanding what he has done for us and how he made us.
4. Turn from our wicked ways, this is a process of growth. After you understand what God has taught you. You need to take his knowledge and turn it into your wisdom. You apply the knowledge and slowly stop repeating the problem till you are free. This is not a snap of a finger, but a process that takes time. God will forgive you as you stumble to be free.
Faith and hope, these two simple things are the building blocks of christian faith. Faith in our Great Father will help us and Hope that he will never forsake us. Remember this and hold it close to your heart as you begin the process of getting back up. There will be times where just want throw your frustration and anger at God for this heavy burden, but ultimately he only one trying to set you free. Never lose these 2 building blocks sister.
Last 2 things I like to share with you. Spirit/sinful nature and problem solving skills.
We all have voices of good and evil in our minds. We have freewill to make choices, but naturally the evil voice is the easest to hear and feed into. So naturally we are all slaves of sin. Let me educate you about your sinful nature. This is it's intentions.
For full context click here.
Luke 8:30-33
30 Jesus demanded, “What is your name?”
“Legion,” he replied, for he was filled with many demons. 31 The demons kept begging Jesus not to send them into the bottomless pit.[
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32 There happened to be a large herd of pigs feeding on the hillside nearby, and the demons begged him to let them enter into the pigs. So Jesus gave them permission. 33
Then the demons came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the entire herd plunged down the steep hillside into the lake and drowned.
Sinful nature is ultimately is death or wants to drown us. I make this case because lot people here are borderline from letting it happen. Realize that your sinful nature is your enemy. You can't kill it or destroy it for it is our burden. What you must learn to do is to nullify it by taking all the tools it uses away from it. It is that voice in your mind that screams of how little you are worth and fills your heart with despair and fear.
Good news is we have a voice that leads us to God. What Paul defined as the spirit in Galatians.
galatians 5:16-26
Living by the Spirit’s Power
16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. 17 The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. 18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.
19 When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, 21 envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God.
22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. 25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. 26 Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.
I dumped the whole text because it good to read about all together. Here are the highlights.
16 So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.
And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions.
18 But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.
22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
25 Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.
I like you to read this and try it. Close your eyes and listen carefully of thoughts in your mind. Among the screams of your sinful nature, there is a whisper. That whisper is very different, and you will know when you found it. For it goes against what the screams are telling you. Learn to focus on that whisper and to give it control of that last thread of rational thought. Give it the reigns and it will start to fight. It will make a case that you are not worthless or beyond hope.
Learn as I did, my worst enemy was myself. Learn the truth sister, that you are an a beautiful child of God. You have great potiential to follow your dreams. Realize that you are a child that needs to grow and sinful nature is trying to stop you. Ask our great and wonderful God to help you understand.
Proverbs 19:8
To acquire wisdom is to love oneself;
people who cherish understanding will prosper.
Develope problem solving skills. God is our creator, he left us a guide book in what we call the bible. It shares the knowledge of how others dealth with same problems as we do today. Realize that you need to learn how to understand things. Keep asking questions, use common sense, keep searching for answers. Never be satified being a slave, but keep seeking freedom.
Matthew 7:7
7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.
Once you understand the problem, thru experience and knowledge avaible. Then begin the process of applying that knowledge. Takes time, and you will stumble. Learn to be patient and forgiving of yourself. Children fall many times before they learn to walk and then run. Once you sucessfully applied that knowledge. Then you are wiser than you where before.
Just going to chuck this in for I know it is useful for understanding.
http://www.coping.org/growth/pride.htm
May God bless you,
James
