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Just Friends? [A Must Read, Especially For Guys]
- Thread starter JoieDeVivre
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RayNay714
Worshiper and Seeker
wvm...I totally agree...!
I think that the reason we do this is because we are scared to lose our friendships with one another. And just because you are best friends doesn't mean you are supposed to hook up! We all do it and yet we all wish people wouldn't do it to us...rather Ironic if you ask me.
Jess
I think that the reason we do this is because we are scared to lose our friendships with one another. And just because you are best friends doesn't mean you are supposed to hook up! We all do it and yet we all wish people wouldn't do it to us...rather Ironic if you ask me.
Jess
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well, i know it's kinda late to jump on this, but i'm faced with this very dilemma. 
i have been (exclusively) dating a young woman for about six months now. i find her interesting and i really care for her; however, i've decided that i don't want to be in a committed relationship with her.
so my quandry is this: how do i express this without hurting her feelings? she has admitted that she is emotionally attached at this point, and gets upset whenever i talk about needing time to myself or stating that this isnt' a good time for me to enter a relationship.
since i care about her, i want to be supportive; however, i believe that "leading her on" would be as bad as stating "let's be friends".
anybody have a (proven) win-win solution? 
i have been (exclusively) dating a young woman for about six months now. i find her interesting and i really care for her; however, i've decided that i don't want to be in a committed relationship with her.
so my quandry is this: how do i express this without hurting her feelings? she has admitted that she is emotionally attached at this point, and gets upset whenever i talk about needing time to myself or stating that this isnt' a good time for me to enter a relationship.
since i care about her, i want to be supportive; however, i believe that "leading her on" would be as bad as stating "let's be friends".
anybody have a (proven) win-win solution?
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hotknikkels
™Barbarian Christian™
I would use the term courting, not dating and also not to be ready to date but to ready to get married!
Don't get into a physical relationship with someone of the opposite sex until you are ready to get married!!!
Just be friends and find out how much you can learn by being friends with those of the opposite sex and how helpful that will be when you oneday may get married!!!
Don't get into a physical relationship with someone of the opposite sex until you are ready to get married!!!
Just be friends and find out how much you can learn by being friends with those of the opposite sex and how helpful that will be when you oneday may get married!!!
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Hi X-phile! I don't think there's a win-win solution for you at this point. The girl is already emotionally attached to you so you really can't walk away without hurting her. I suggest you talk to her and be honest. Apologise if you have to. Be gentle yet firm. And while you're at it, don't give her false hopes about what can happen in the future if you're not sure there's going to be a "you and her" years from now. Don't give her hope if there is none.
I hope you've learned something from this experience. I'm sure you never meant to her but you have. I hope things work out between you and your friend.
Take care and God bless.
I hope you've learned something from this experience. I'm sure you never meant to her but you have. I hope things work out between you and your friend.
Take care and God bless.
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I'd say definitely sit her down and have a conversation about where things are heading. Say you've noticed how she seems to be feeling, and how you care about her (be real honest!).
One recommendation is to make sure it's a conversation, so she has a chance to say everything she wants to.
Say why you don't believe you should be together, and how you're feeling. In my opinion, practical terms would be best: what are your life goals (different, right?), how compatible are you for marriage, things that she will understand and hopefully agree with. I wouldn't go anywhere near mentioning attraction (i.e. "I don't find you attractive in that way") - don't touch that with a 20 foot pole. For one, that kills to hear, and for another, it's something that she might think she can change.
Two things I'd chiefly recommend:
1. Give this some time to percolate in her mind and meanwhile drop some hints that you're really not interested.
2. Pray! Pray that God gives her a talking-to about it all. That's usually the best thing. Then when the two of you sit down it will not be such a blow.
And yeah, you can go ahead and apologize if it seems to be warranted, though you don't have to necessarily. Just place yourself in her shoes, and don't condescend or be pitying (that's a common pitfall) - just talk it out, get things on the table and tell it to her straight as well.
Doesn't have to be a long conversation. Maybe a series of conversations.
Anyway... I said enough.
Good luck.
One recommendation is to make sure it's a conversation, so she has a chance to say everything she wants to.
Say why you don't believe you should be together, and how you're feeling. In my opinion, practical terms would be best: what are your life goals (different, right?), how compatible are you for marriage, things that she will understand and hopefully agree with. I wouldn't go anywhere near mentioning attraction (i.e. "I don't find you attractive in that way") - don't touch that with a 20 foot pole. For one, that kills to hear, and for another, it's something that she might think she can change.
Two things I'd chiefly recommend:
1. Give this some time to percolate in her mind and meanwhile drop some hints that you're really not interested.
2. Pray! Pray that God gives her a talking-to about it all. That's usually the best thing. Then when the two of you sit down it will not be such a blow.
And yeah, you can go ahead and apologize if it seems to be warranted, though you don't have to necessarily. Just place yourself in her shoes, and don't condescend or be pitying (that's a common pitfall) - just talk it out, get things on the table and tell it to her straight as well.
Doesn't have to be a long conversation. Maybe a series of conversations.
Anyway... I said enough.
Good luck.
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thanks for your replies. we have regularly discussed our relationship openly and honestly; in fact, i am growing weary of these talks, because i don't feel like anything gets resolved. it doesn't help that i approach things logically and she approaches them emotionally.
Joie: i agree with your assessment. i feel like whether i linger or not, she is going to feel letdown, if not downright upset. i mean, unless i marry her or she decides to leave first, i will be the one to blame. i fear i will lose my best friend because i won't make her my girlfriend. 
Ruhama: coincidentally, i tried your approach to compatibility today. she didn't buy it. she said that all couples face issues, so that isn't an excuse to avoid a relationship. she seems willing to understand my need for more time to myself, but she wants us to continue dating regularly. i would genuinely enjoy spending time with her regularly, but i don't want her to think that we're a couple. her desire to be physically affectionate doesn't make it easy to walk a fine line.
Joie: i agree with your assessment. i feel like whether i linger or not, she is going to feel letdown, if not downright upset. i mean, unless i marry her or she decides to leave first, i will be the one to blame. i fear i will lose my best friend because i won't make her my girlfriend.
Ruhama: coincidentally, i tried your approach to compatibility today. she didn't buy it. she said that all couples face issues, so that isn't an excuse to avoid a relationship. she seems willing to understand my need for more time to myself, but she wants us to continue dating regularly. i would genuinely enjoy spending time with her regularly, but i don't want her to think that we're a couple. her desire to be physically affectionate doesn't make it easy to walk a fine line.
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you want to break up with her; she still wants the relationship.
the feelings aren't mutual so you can't express them without hurting her.
the feelings aren't mutual so you can't express them without hurting her.
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wvmtnkid
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Hi X-phile-
I have been on the other side of things, the one being let go. If I could, I would just like to give you some suggestions.
I believe you are right in no matter what you will say, she will be hurt. But, I think you should be direct with her. Not in a hateful or hurtful manner, but don't just hint around at being just friends. If you are sure that is all you want, then please be honest and tell her. To do anything else will just give her false hope. And it might mean not hanging out for a bit with her because you don't want your words and your actions to say two different things. If she really likes you, she will read more into your actions than maybe what you intend and she will just end up being hurt all over again. She may take the continued relationship as a sign that there is a chance for something more when in reality, that is not how you feel.
I know it will be hard, for both of you, but in the long run, it will be the best for both of you. It will allow both of you to find the one you should be with, not hang on to something that will not go anywhere. And if you are lucky, you will both decide the friendship is something you want to keep and not lose. But that might take awhile for her to figure out.
I have been on the other side of things, the one being let go. If I could, I would just like to give you some suggestions.
I believe you are right in no matter what you will say, she will be hurt. But, I think you should be direct with her. Not in a hateful or hurtful manner, but don't just hint around at being just friends. If you are sure that is all you want, then please be honest and tell her. To do anything else will just give her false hope. And it might mean not hanging out for a bit with her because you don't want your words and your actions to say two different things. If she really likes you, she will read more into your actions than maybe what you intend and she will just end up being hurt all over again. She may take the continued relationship as a sign that there is a chance for something more when in reality, that is not how you feel.
I know it will be hard, for both of you, but in the long run, it will be the best for both of you. It will allow both of you to find the one you should be with, not hang on to something that will not go anywhere. And if you are lucky, you will both decide the friendship is something you want to keep and not lose. But that might take awhile for her to figure out.
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I agree with wvmtnkid. If I were in your girl friend's shoes, I'd prefer that you be honest with me even if it meant I'd get hurt than be ambiguous about where we stand in the hope of sparing me from pain.
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hotknikkels
™Barbarian Christian™
Yeh - some good advice here - if you don't think that you will marry the girl - then there is no point in continuing the relationship. It will hurt her at first, but it will save her a lot of heartache in the future. Do the right thing now!!!
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Agreed. She seems to be a lot more ... forward about things than I had thought. For one, she thinks you're dating.
Yeah. You might want to be "busy" more often with other things for a while, and while you don't want to lose her friendship, she is the one forcing you into a choice of this sort - you're right that she's thinking emotionally rather than logically.
Sorry but I'm a bit ticked off at her for your sake, hearing this... Granted she really wants it but she also has the responsibility to respect your decision. You've done everything right, all that remains now is to stay firm about it, and maintain your personal boundaries.
It won't kill her to be less physically affectionate (actually, I don't know for sure but it might be beneficial to put an end to it, since she does it with romantic intentions). Anyway, good luck.
Yeah. You might want to be "busy" more often with other things for a while, and while you don't want to lose her friendship, she is the one forcing you into a choice of this sort - you're right that she's thinking emotionally rather than logically.
Sorry but I'm a bit ticked off at her for your sake, hearing this... Granted she really wants it but she also has the responsibility to respect your decision. You've done everything right, all that remains now is to stay firm about it, and maintain your personal boundaries.
It won't kill her to be less physically affectionate (actually, I don't know for sure but it might be beneficial to put an end to it, since she does it with romantic intentions). Anyway, good luck.
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- Jan 16, 2019
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ReesePiece23
The Peanut Buttery Member.
To think, another TWO generations of kids would come through and mature into fully grown adults since this thread; and MySpace, Bebo, Facebook, the iPhone, POF, Tinder, Instagram, TikTok were ALL a long way off. I was barely even 13 - I might have even been 12.
This is a bit like watching those 1890's videos on YouTube and waving back to the folk who waved at the camera.
As for the OP, she's probably claiming her pension now.
This is a bit like watching those 1890's videos on YouTube and waving back to the folk who waved at the camera.
As for the OP, she's probably claiming her pension now.
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