Just don't feel myself.

[dms1972]

I have been this way for a long time, it goes back at least to my early twenties. Its seems impossible to say what is wrong, and I have been for psychotherapy in the past, yet at times the psychotherapist himself seemed puzzled as to why I was seeking help. But that's just how things are, I don't know how to explain what is wrong, but something is. I have done something at some point in my mind to escape myself and the place I was in which seemed to me consequences of my unbelief / rebellion. I suppose I live up in my head, or in my thinking, whatever way it is I don't feel myself.

Not sure how to come back to myself, or what I would find if I did.

 

[Dan the deacon]

Praying for you.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Prayers for you also.

I hope what you are experiencing can serve as a means to lead you into health - however that needs to happen. God be with you.

 

[joshua 1 9]

The Blood of Jesus is the cure for everything. WE can have the mind of Christ and we are of one mind and own accord. Whatever mind battles we have is an attack from the enemy and we have the power of God to overcome any attack from the enemy.

 

[Take Heart]

I'm not sure if what you're going through is called 'disassociation' but regardless of what happened in your life, I am praying that the Lord will do a mighty healing in your heart, mind, and life from any hurtful and painful experiences you've been through.

 

[dms1972]

I'm not sure if what you're going through is called 'disassociation' but regardless of what happened in your life, I am praying that the Lord will do a mighty healing in your heart, mind, and life from any hurtful and painful experiences you've been through.

I believe I may have had some sort of dissociative episodes in the past.

 

[dms1972]

Thanks for the prayers.

Its so hard to just be myself, its like I pretend all the time.

 

[Jeshu]

Thanks for the prayers.

Its so hard to just be myself, its like I pretend all the time.

Is that what is bothering you - inner divisions? Because depression is really good at bringing that about. Pray with the Psalmist that God may unite your heart to fear His name, that is what i did and it has brought me together within with one purpose. To stay in His light.

 

[dms1972]

No I think its more like postmodern philosophy takes one to a place where everything is deconstructed, even oneself - one's "I". Thats were I got to, and its possible to think about these things, but not to live them. I was believing this sort of thing, and I just felt I could not really cope anymore, and had to dissociate in someway from it.

 

[FireDragon76]

I have been this way for a long time, it goes back at least to my early twenties. Its seems impossible to say what is wrong, and I have been for psychotherapy in the past, yet at times the psychotherapist himself seemed puzzled as to why I was seeking help. But that's just how things are, I don't know how to explain what is wrong, but something is. I have done something at some point in my mind to escape myself and the place I was in which seemed to me consequences of my unbelief / rebellion. I suppose I live up in my head, or in my thinking, whatever way it is I don't feel myself.

Not sure how to come back to myself, or what I would find if I did.

To be honest, it does sound like alot of your thinking processes are somewhat ungrounded, like you are indeed "living in your head" and trying to somehow get above the human experience through sheer will.

Have you considered engaging in a physical activity that involves a body awareness of propriceptive aspect? It could be something like yoga or something as simple as washing the dishes or woodworking. I understand the religious quest you are on is important to you, but more and more I think it's important just to be a basic human being first, to get in touch with our own humanity, before we can contemplate spiritual things clearly. Nikolai Grundtvig, a 19th century Danish Lutheran bishop and hymnwriter, had a saying, "Be a human first, then a Christian".

No I think its more like postmodern philosophy takes one to a place where everything is deconstructed, even oneself - one's "I". Thats were I got to, and its possible to think about these things, but not to live them. I was believing this sort of thing, and I just felt I could not really cope anymore, and had to dissociate in someway from it.

I think that's part of seeing postmodernism through a skewed lense, coloring it with things going on in your own mind, probably at a subconscious level.

Deconstructing oneself can also be seen in a positive light. I would say to just stay with your feelings and believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith that whatever has brought you to this point will carry you through it.

Years ago I picked up Sartre's Being and Nothingnesss, started reading it for a while, and I started having a terrifying dissociative experience and a panic attack as I felt I had grasped a profound truth about reality. A truth I was completely unprepared for. So I can kind of relate to what you are talking about. It's easy to get ungrounded by philosophy for which you have no relevant context. But it is something you can grow through, in time, and with the right experiences.

To add another example, my brother also took a little philosophy in college. He talked about Martin Heidegger in the most derogatory way, a man who was a "nihilist". Yet when I study Heidegger, I sense a philosophy that directs a person potentially towards cherishing life and the moment they live in, not something nihilistic at all. Context can mean everything.

 

[dms1972]

Thanks for your comments. I don't want to try yoga, but I do occasionally make window boxes, and bookcases.

Whatever way I cope, it seems to dissociate me from what I have experienced. I was going about without much of a connection to reality. There is obviously an unpleasant psychological or spiritual state I like to stay distant from.

Its seems like their are two modes or ways of being or of living, one can be in relationship which means a giving up of autonomy to some degree, or one can retain their autonomy and not really enter relationships.

I don't think Sartre is a good teacher about the human condition, and I steer clear of him. I think I read a little Heidegger many years ago. He's an existentialist. In his philosophy he challenged the whole western manner of thinking about being.

"Heidegger's philosophy is neither atheism not theism, but a description of the world from which God is absent." says William Barratt, in Irrational Man. It doesn't seem very compatible with the Christian teaching for example of God with us.

I think when young I reacted against the calvinism of my dad. He didn't talk a lot about theology, but he was elder in the Presbyterian church. I seem to recall arguing fiercely at times with him about it even as a young child. Yet I think I was very drawn to calvinism too. Strange. Its like there were other times I was explaining and defending calvinism (or my understanding of some aspect of it as a child, probably that i found comforting - like I wasn't responsible for choosing) to my dad sometimes - even seeming to convince him. I don't believe I understood such things, it was just a childish understanding.

 

[FireDragon76]

I don't see Heidegger as inherently incompatible with Christianity, per se. Remember that Boethius was a 6th century Christian scholastic theologian, and yet in the last days of his life, he wrote The Consolation of Philosophy. The idea that Christianity must be a totalizing narrative of the world is a modern notion, the ancients were far more comfortable being eclectic.

But I'm not exactly commending Heidegger to you. Just pointing out how we can misunderstand ideas in general because we are not in the right context to receive them clearly.