Hi
A few years ago I started visiting this site for personal reasons and problems. I Had my ups and downs as a high school child and somehow I never got over it.
I am in college (university) now, age 20 (21). Its a young age, which I should be taking full advantage of to push for future careers and so on. After 2 years in college, my head is full of doubt. And by doubt, I mean no hope for future.
For a few months now, I've been thinking about my future but mostly, my past. I know that it is selfish of me to beg help from you or whoever but I just don't see where else to turn. Currently, I live with my family with no goal in sight. I took a break from college after my second year because I wanted to find something for myself, only to find depression and nothing-ness.
I sleep in between sofa and my bed because I seem to sleep whenever I feel like it and whenever I don't feel like it. I do occassionally step up and try to lead a normal life but I end up in a same path, which is disorderly sleeping patterns and depression. I feel that I am continually mocked even though I have no social connection whatsoever. Even the online chattings are becoming my nightmares, to which I have no cure except more seclusion.
It wasn't like this for my first year in college. Whenever I was deep in my depression, I always found a way out from my suffering and found peace but over time, that ability to rebuild and restart fresh disappeared. I think it was the second year of my college that I lost my ability to focus and concentrate, or driven, as some may call it. So eventually, I started to feel depressed. At school, I felt like I was being tossed around, by essay after essay. I had no control over what I did or what time or when I did it or why I did it or felt pleasure and satisfaction from the work I did. I was just tired. At some point, I became more hysterical about my relation with roommates. I saw hypocricy and general awkwardness between us and I felt I no longer wanted to me part of it, so I secluded myself in my room for 3 month out of 4 month of second term. Even when I called in to check if I lost anything at the dorm, my roommates voice sounded pleasant but there was something dark and double faced about his tone of voice. I just felt no one was genuine around me. Everybody was lying to get pass the awkwardness with the mask of pleasantness.
At that point, I didn't want to deal with anyone. Everyone was lying and avoiding me because I was awkward. Oh well, I thought. Eventually I will find someone and become friend but no. They avoid me as well. Usually, I do the best when I do my projects alone. Others simply bog me down. When I meet with them at the end of the term, they avoid eye contacts. I simply don't understand why this world is worth the living with these kind of treacherous people. Sometimes I wish I could just swirl into a ball and forget about all these memories.
I feel that my pains haunt me on random occassions when I am doing nothing but casual things. I get paranoid easily if I forget something. Like, when I doing cashier, I keep feeling that I have forgotten something or can't remember the thing I did just a few second ago.
Now, I don't even do my job anymore because paranoia keeps me late at night. I growl in pain after work so I decided to quit to avoid more stress.
I feel sick, I keep thinking about wanting certain food and that food only. Not sure why.
Sorry for long chat. Just wondering if this is a bipolar disorder. I did suffer greatly from high school as well but I found peace in God
or I think that God made me forget pain and focus on the future. so I got really hyped up after suffering from months of depression or sort. I could focus longer and motivate myself but I can't do that anymore. I motivate in thought now. That's how far I go now days.
I don't think I could focus on God either. I tried couple times, only to be met by same fate as other initiatives I've done which are small you see.
On that thought, I don't think I wish to die. My fallout would have no purpose if I died or killed myself for it. I mean, I must be feeling this way because I let myself. I don't even want to see nurses or doctors because they tell me the same thing over and over again. Don't they see that I have no motivation or desire to do anything. don't they see that I thought everything they are telling me? I am simply not doing it becaues I don't feel driven. If I am forced to do certain things, i am sure I would do it. perhaps I should leave the house and live alone and starve. would that motivate me to work?
A few years ago I started visiting this site for personal reasons and problems. I Had my ups and downs as a high school child and somehow I never got over it.
I am in college (university) now, age 20 (21). Its a young age, which I should be taking full advantage of to push for future careers and so on. After 2 years in college, my head is full of doubt. And by doubt, I mean no hope for future.
For a few months now, I've been thinking about my future but mostly, my past. I know that it is selfish of me to beg help from you or whoever but I just don't see where else to turn. Currently, I live with my family with no goal in sight. I took a break from college after my second year because I wanted to find something for myself, only to find depression and nothing-ness.
I sleep in between sofa and my bed because I seem to sleep whenever I feel like it and whenever I don't feel like it. I do occassionally step up and try to lead a normal life but I end up in a same path, which is disorderly sleeping patterns and depression. I feel that I am continually mocked even though I have no social connection whatsoever. Even the online chattings are becoming my nightmares, to which I have no cure except more seclusion.
It wasn't like this for my first year in college. Whenever I was deep in my depression, I always found a way out from my suffering and found peace but over time, that ability to rebuild and restart fresh disappeared. I think it was the second year of my college that I lost my ability to focus and concentrate, or driven, as some may call it. So eventually, I started to feel depressed. At school, I felt like I was being tossed around, by essay after essay. I had no control over what I did or what time or when I did it or why I did it or felt pleasure and satisfaction from the work I did. I was just tired. At some point, I became more hysterical about my relation with roommates. I saw hypocricy and general awkwardness between us and I felt I no longer wanted to me part of it, so I secluded myself in my room for 3 month out of 4 month of second term. Even when I called in to check if I lost anything at the dorm, my roommates voice sounded pleasant but there was something dark and double faced about his tone of voice. I just felt no one was genuine around me. Everybody was lying to get pass the awkwardness with the mask of pleasantness.
At that point, I didn't want to deal with anyone. Everyone was lying and avoiding me because I was awkward. Oh well, I thought. Eventually I will find someone and become friend but no. They avoid me as well. Usually, I do the best when I do my projects alone. Others simply bog me down. When I meet with them at the end of the term, they avoid eye contacts. I simply don't understand why this world is worth the living with these kind of treacherous people. Sometimes I wish I could just swirl into a ball and forget about all these memories.
I feel that my pains haunt me on random occassions when I am doing nothing but casual things. I get paranoid easily if I forget something. Like, when I doing cashier, I keep feeling that I have forgotten something or can't remember the thing I did just a few second ago.
Now, I don't even do my job anymore because paranoia keeps me late at night. I growl in pain after work so I decided to quit to avoid more stress.
I feel sick, I keep thinking about wanting certain food and that food only. Not sure why.
Sorry for long chat. Just wondering if this is a bipolar disorder. I did suffer greatly from high school as well but I found peace in God
or I think that God made me forget pain and focus on the future. so I got really hyped up after suffering from months of depression or sort. I could focus longer and motivate myself but I can't do that anymore. I motivate in thought now. That's how far I go now days.
I don't think I could focus on God either. I tried couple times, only to be met by same fate as other initiatives I've done which are small you see.
On that thought, I don't think I wish to die. My fallout would have no purpose if I died or killed myself for it. I mean, I must be feeling this way because I let myself. I don't even want to see nurses or doctors because they tell me the same thing over and over again. Don't they see that I have no motivation or desire to do anything. don't they see that I thought everything they are telling me? I am simply not doing it becaues I don't feel driven. If I am forced to do certain things, i am sure I would do it. perhaps I should leave the house and live alone and starve. would that motivate me to work?
If you would like to write please feel free to do so.
