Just a bunch of little irritations

[LovebirdsFlying]

Are any of these worth saying a word about?

I guess it's like having someone ask me to hold just a tiny little pebble. Later, they add another one. And then another one. And then another one, and so on and so on. Eventually I'm going to be crushed under a ton of rock, but if I say a word, I'm reacted to as if I'm only talking about the most recent little pebble, and the rest of them don't exist. Come on, it's just a little pebble, not like anybody's throwing big boulders at me or anything. What am I complaining about? Can't I hold even one little pebble?

So, in an otherwise good marriage, with no cheating and running around, no drinking or drugging, no fighting or violence, and the basic needs being met, here is what happens. Just little things.

A cat has a slight problem. Hubby says to research it and tell him what I find out. I send him a link to the solution I found. He says he'll pick it up on his lunch break. He even calls me to ask exactly what it's called, again. Then he goes to a different store and gets something else entirely, as if nothing I said or did made a bit of difference. Is this a matter of not listening to me, or does he honestly think it's the same thing as what I said?

I ask him to do something, or not to do something, and I carefully explain why I need it that way. He says he understands and promises to comply, but the next day he's back to doing as he always does. When I ask him again, it's like we never even had the conversation before. Did he honestly forget, or is he trying to show me that I don't tell him what to do?

He asks me a question. I answer it. "XYZ." A few seconds later, he asks the question again more firmly, as if I hadn't said a word. "I said, XYZ." "Oh, well, I didn't hear you." Alternatively, he can be calling for me, and I answer. "What?" Then he calls for me again, louder, as if I hadn't answered. Did he really not hear me the first time, even if everybody else in the room did?

And if it's really a matter of being forgetful, or not having good hearing, why doesn't it seem to be causing him trouble at work?

 

[DaisyDay]

Do you not like your husband?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

That kind of question is why I was afraid to bring it up.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I exhibit some of your husband's behaviour I have to say. I'm not a good listener. But some of that behaviour you describe is unacceptable to my way of thinking. You might need to do a dramatic speech or something similar to wake him up. it works for my wife on me. When my wife uses more dramatic tone of voice, I tend to wake up and listen better. If she uses the same monotone voice, I tend to not pay attention.

 

[Lulav]

LBF, I hear you, men do that. It's apparently bred into them. Mine does have an excuse of being partially deaf, but mostly it's ignore, or tune out, do what you think is best, you're da man!

Wither we want to or not we have to be a 'conniving female', that is to say that even though we are smarter than most men and not nearly as helpless as they can be we still have to be their help mate, not the other way around.

I recently heard a sermon where the pastor was saying that men need to have their egos stroked and I do agree with him. We can't go about getting things done with men as we would another woman or a child even. We have to make them think that the sun rises and sets on them. I had trouble and still do with this as I like to 'tell it like it is' and not lie or give false flattery but when you don't things go downhill fast.

So, in the case of your cat for instance. You both knew about the problem, he asked you to look into it.

Instead of telling him what to get and where to go it probably would have gone better if you had said something like.

Hon, I found out about this on this website, they seem to be pretty knowledgeable about it and suggested .............. I also looked it up and found that Targat carries it and it's right on your way home. What do you think? Should we get that? ________Let him answer then you could say
Want me to send you a picture so you know what to look for and don't waste your time and can get home sooner?

See this way you've done what he's asked and passed on the information. You went a bit further and looked to see where it could be found and the closest place in respect to him to not go out of his way. Instead of telling him what to get and where to get it, you make it look to him as if that decision is his and that you are just helping him. When he say he'll get it, thank him for doing it (even if it's his cat) ------------"-I appreciate that honey and when you get home I'll have your dinner ready", or mention something else you did for him.

This makes him think that he's the decision maker and you are the help mate. He feels needed and helpful to the cause. He also appreciates you thinking about his time and getting home soon after a hard days work.

I've learned to ask my hubby in ways that even when he doesn't feel up to it the words recharge him.

Hun, I need your strong arms to do such and such for me, OR, Hunny could you lend me your long arms to get this for me, I can't reach it.

Translation: I need you.

Think Legally Blonde with Elle in the library and can't reach a book and that David guy comes along and plucks it off the shelf for her. It helped her and he got an ego boost!

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

that is to say that even though we are smarter than most men

what!!!

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Hun, I need your strong arms to do such and such for me

I need to copy these and give my wife her script for tomorrow.
And my script for her would be,
"Hun, I need those gorgeous hands to do the dishes."

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I think we all have piles of pebbles we get from our spouse. Its not like any couple is 100% compatible with each other. There are always things that you will disagree on or that bug you.

For example my wife is super unhygenic, so it sort of bugs me. Everytime I see her not be as hygenic or get sick from doing do, it feels like another pebble. Overtime if alot of those pebbles start building up it bugs me and on rare occasions I let her know with some passive aggressive sarcasm. Which yes I know isn't the best way to handle things. Though I assuming "I can't imagine why you got <insert personal issue> again!" is passive aggressive sarcasm?

There are other pebbles but overall it doesn't really affect me. Most times the pebbles just fall to the ground and off a cliff never to be thought of again by me. And obviously I am not perfect either. I know some of the pebbles she gets from me, such as forgetting things or things related to her culture.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm glad to see so many people understanding the pebble concept.

Last thing I want to be is a nag. But sometimes I feel (speaking purely out of emotion here) like if a woman says something the second time, she's a nag, whereas a man doesn't need to say it again because he was listened to and respected the first time. I sometimes wonder what good it does to take assertiveness training if any time you try to speak up, you're either cut off and overtalked, or ignored.

I'm familiar with much larger rocks than I'm getting now, so the thought is that I should be grateful I'm not actually being *abused* anymore, and tolerate the ton of pebbles without complaint.

 

[Sarah G]

I too receive the tiny pebbles! I try and leave them at the cross through prayer. I have to pray a lot! I like to think about St Monica and how she suffered but kept faith, prayed and did good works.

 

[snoochface]

Pebbles are just part of life and marriage. Two imperfect people get together to spend their lives in the same home, and they both are built out of tiny pebbles that are going to grate on each other over time. It's just part of it.

I understood the analogy. But I also understood the question asked: Do you even like your husband? I had the same thought, not because of the pebbles, but because so very much about him seems to grate on your nerves, and the more it comes up, the more I think this is just how the man is built in his DNA. You seem to have a good marriage otherwise, and maybe it's just that we only hear the problems and not the praises, but if this is just how he is, and you DO like him as well as love him, then I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment expecting him to be different than he is.

I really do think he could have a hearing or memory problem. People function very differently at work. They aren't generally accountable for every interpersonal communication in the same way they are at home. Routine of the job, physical reminders like memos or post-it notes, or other people stepping in with their own responsibilities, can all help a problem like hearing or memory get masked or managed while on the job. It's very different at home when it's much more one-on-one and personal.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

it's just that we only hear the problems and not the praises,

that's right. we're not going to make a thread about all the good things our partner does.

 

[snoochface]

that's right. we're not going to make a thread about all the good things our partner does.

And I do get that. But when there are multiple threads about all the little issues, and most of them seem to revolve around the same issues over and over again (he doesn't listen to me, or remember what I say, or do what I ask regardless of how I ask it) then it seems like the issue might be more one of this just being how he is, or demonstrating that he isn't/can't/won't change how he is, and maybe the best course of action is to try to accept that - if she really likes as well as loves him and wants a more peaceful way to interact with him.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I really do think he could have a hearing or memory problem. People function very differently at work. They aren't generally accountable for every interpersonal communication in the same way they are at home

that's a good point. My excuse is that my father and brothers are all poor listeners too. We don't listen to anyone very well. Not just our partners. So no need to take it personally.
And at work. Yeah, when our job is on the line and we worry about the next performance review. Maybe my wife should introduce performance reviews?

 

[*LILAC]

I totally understand the pebble situation, too. Just yesterday I spelled out letter for letter the type of lotion I need for my swollen knee. I showed him what it looked like, using a picture on the internet. I made sure he knew what I was talking about. He is a great listener and can often repeat my sentences back to me. BUT, he still came home with the exact opposite of what I needed. Of course, once he realized his mistake he beat himself up so I didn't have to do it. lol

Like you, LBF every time I even think about making a thread about minor annoyances, I log on and see that there are other couples out there with far worse issues that it makes my whining seem like such small pebbles that it's not worth it. My husband is a gift to me and hey, I know I'm not perfect so I try not to let myself get TOO annoyed with his annoyances.

 

[mkgal1]

That kind of question is why I was afraid to bring it up.

Do you mean you were afraid to bring it up here.....or with him? I think bringing up and asking for the opinion of others that don't know you two in real life is a great way to get perspective. It never crossed my mind that you don't like your husband.....just that you're trying to figure out what's "healthy"....."what's appropriate to bring up"...etc.

If I recall correctly, your previous marriage was abusive....right? And am I also remembering correctly (or am I confusing you with someone else) that you sought understanding of abuse from bloggers and authors like Leslie Vernick, Shannon Thomas, and Lundy Bancroft? All of them are wonderful (IMO) in shedding light on abuse--and allowing a person to sort of "see" an abusive mind through certain patterns....but, when dealing with people with a non-abusive mindset (ones that DO seek love and affirmation.....not power and control)....you may need to put on a different "set of googles" so-to-speak (if that makes any sense).

People that are used to dealing with toxic behavior (but are of good intention themselves) naturally write off certain circumstances as "normal" and remain in the abuse cycle (and don't understand why they feel like they're trapped in what feels like a rip tide). That's when it's helpful to read from those experts. However...if a person continues to read and apply that same counsel in a healthy relationship, I do think it tends to cause unnecessarily critical attitudes instead of healthy acceptance of innocuous behavior. If you are still reading from those authors/professionals.....then maybe switch to reading Dr Henry Cloud. He still focuses on what're healthy responses.....but it's from a non-abusive relational perspective. Another author I appreciate is Danny Silk (Keep Your Love On).

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm hearing and understanding the advice. At this point, no, I don't think this problem is likely to go away. He did tell me once that he knows how he is, but he doesn't think he can change. So, because he's a wonderful husband in so many other ways (and yes, my first husband was very abusive, but no I'm not the blogger person) I need to accept the pebbles. I suppose my posts are because 1.) Sometimes I just have to vent, and I can't really tell him. If I could, I would. I certainly never say anything behind his back that I'm not willing to say to his face, but since he's not very good at listening to begin with.... and 2.) I seek advice on my own response to it, because that much I do have control over.

PS: It occurs to me that some of his behaviors are probably leftover from his abusive childhood/bad first marriage too. Both of us have that baggage.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

People function very differently at work. They aren't generally accountable for every interpersonal communication in the same way they are at home. Routine of the job, physical reminders like memos or post-it notes, or other people stepping in with their own responsibilities, can all help a problem like hearing or memory get masked or managed while on the job. It's very different at home when it's much more one-on-one and personal.

Thinking the most about this part. My husband is a transit bus driver, and he also has a very strongly introverted personality with a dash of social anxiety. He's not a people person, in other words, yet he works with the public day in and day out, which could be a mental drain on him. Is it possible that by the time he comes home, he's used up, and he's got no interpersonal skills left over for me?

I've also read that sometimes what makes a man a success at work can cause problems when he does the same thing in his marriage. Where he works, a lot of silliness goes on that he must tune out. Let's say some passenger, maybe one who is slightly intoxicated and/or has a mental disorder and is being a bit unruly, yells a question at him from the back of the bus rather than getting up and approaching him. My husband, as he has told me he does, will usually pretend he didn't hear. Then another passenger will usually answer, and he won't have to deal with it. Then he comes home, and I ask a question he thinks is silly, and maybe he's a little distracted at the time. Yes, he will pretend he didn't hear. Not too long ago, I asked him a question, and when I didn't get a response, I repeated it. With the conversation that followed, he tossed in, "I guess that was an understandable question, and I really shouldn't have ignored you." So he *did* hear me the first time. He was treating me like one of his passengers.

If a passenger becomes in any way disorderly or disruptive, company policy is that my husband doesn't handle that himself. If the passenger won't leave the bus when told to, hubby is to stay in his seat and call for a supervisor to have the passenger ejected. He is trained not to fall for sob stories about "I don't have the money," and "I lost my pass," because too many people run scams to try to get a free ride. At home, then, if I am ever upset in any way, he will again tune me out, talk over me, and try his best not to have to deal with it.

And, given the baggage, I suppose this leaves me wondering whether I'm just not worth listening and responding to, or if the stuff I bring up (to him, not on this forum) is too silly to bother with, and I should sit down and shut up. It isn't *him* I don't really like.

 

[mkgal1]

It occurs to me that some of his behaviors are probably leftover from his abusive childhood/bad first marriage too. Both of us have that baggage.

.....or he could just not be an auditory processor. I catch myself (or others remind me).....not fully processing something someone JUST told me. If it were written down, though......it probably would have sunk in far better (like names.....they just go right through my ears...in one and out the other...but, if I see a name tag, it's sort of etched in my mind).

 

[mkgal1]

He's not a people person, in other words, yet he works with the public day in and day out, which could be a mental drain on him. Is it possible that by the time he comes home, he's used up, and he's got no interpersonal skills left over for me?

That's a good possibility as well.