Joke thread

reddogs

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Classic Jewish joke...

The Jewish Scholar[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif, geneva, helvetica][/FONT]
[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet?
Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?

The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir,
so it must be Sarah's husband.
Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs.
But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".

[/FONT]
 
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djconklin

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Good one reddogs!

Saw a show recently where one guy's nick was Red Dog--It was about the Mongol motorcycle gang!

===

From arcomax:

Beautiful Choir

It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought "The Pencil Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."
"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves"...are you ready for this?...
"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"
 
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TrustAndObey

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Bwhahaha Honor.

This isn't a joke but I wanted to share another funny story.

When my oldest son was about 3 he started really noticing when we'd pass a dead animal on the road.

"What WAS that mom?"

I decided he was way too young to try to explain death to him, so I'd always tell him something like "it was a cat being VERY brave and sleeping in the road." (This was LONG before I knew death was a "sleep" too...haha).

When he got a little older we were in the car one day and we passed a HUGE bloated animal on the side of the road. He asked me his stock question and I gave him my stock answer.

I noticed he did a double-take and kept looking back at it.

All of a sudden he yelled "YEAH, I'D SLEEP TOO IF HALF MY HEAD WAS MISSING!"
 
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honorthesabbath

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Here are some of my favorites. Conventional wisdom is priceless.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress....
But then I repeat myself.
-
MarkTwain

[FONT=&quot]'If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.'
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Mark[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Twain[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Winston[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Churchill[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

A government which robs [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Peter[/FONT][FONT=&quot] to pay [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Paul[/FONT][FONT=&quot] can always depend on the support of [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Paul[/FONT][FONT=&quot].
- [/FONT][FONT=&quot]George[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bernard[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Shaw[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-[/FONT][FONT=&quot]G.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Gordon[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Liddy

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-[/FONT][FONT=&quot]James[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bovard[/FONT][FONT=&quot], Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Douglas[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Casey[/FONT][FONT=&quot], Classmate of [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bill[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Clinton[/FONT][FONT=&quot] at[/FONT][FONT=&quot]�[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Georgetown[/FONT][FONT=&quot]�[/FONT][FONT=&quot]University

[/FONT] Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P. J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 BC)

No, man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.[FONT=&quot]�[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]�[/FONT]-Unknown

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

[FONT=&quot]�[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]




 
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honorthesabbath

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[FONT=&quot]Doughboy
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pillsbury[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Mrs.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Butterworth[/FONT][FONT=&quot], Hungry [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Jack[/FONT][FONT=&quot], the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]California[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Raisins, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Betty[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Crocker[/FONT][FONT=&quot], the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Aunt [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Jemima[/FONT][FONT=&quot] delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, [/FONT][FONT=&quot]John[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Dough[/FONT][FONT=&quot] and [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Jane[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The funeral was held at [/FONT][FONT=&quot]3:50[/FONT][FONT=&quot] for about 20 minutes.[/FONT]
 
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honorthesabbath

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8521180831.jpg

[FONT=&quot]Prescribed by the[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Great Physician[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]***************************** [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The next time you feel like GOD can't use you,[/FONT][FONT=&quot]just remember...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...
AND
Lazarus was dead!
clip_image003.gif

Now! [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]No more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential...
Besides you aren't the message,
you are just the messenger.
And one more thing...
Share this with a friend or two...
In the Circle of God's love, [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] God's waiting to use your full potential.

clip_image004.gif


1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. Growing old is inevitable; growing UP is optional.
4. There is no key to happiness--the door is always open.
5. Silence is often misinterpreted
but never misquoted.
6. Do the math .... count your blessings.
7. Faith is the ability to not panic.
8. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
9. If you worry, you didn't pray.
If you pray, don't worry.
10. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like
calling home everyday.
11. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
12. The most important things in your house
are the people.
13. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15 . He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Have a great day!!! [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The SON is shining and He can certainly use you![/FONT]
 
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TrustAndObey

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That's an awesome one Honor!

I saw a cute one the other day, and I'll probably butcher it, but it went something like....

My husband decided to buy me a mood ring so we could track my incredible mood swings.

We discovered that when I'm happy it turns yellow.

When I'm sad it turns blue.

When I'm fiesty it turns purple.

And when I'm mad, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

**Disclaimer...this poster does not condone violence! :)**
 
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thecountrydoc

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Husband Retrieves Wife for Anniversary

Ralph and Janice were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Pastor Jones decided to take advantage of their longevity by using their story as a sermon illustration. He asked Ralph to come on stage and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.

Ralph turned to the congregation and said, "Well, I treated her with respect and spent money on her—but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The pastor asked, "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary," Ralph answered, "I took her to Beijing, China."

The crowd nodded and murmured in appreciation. When things quieted down, the pastor winked and said: "What a terrific example you are to husbands, Ralph. So, tell us where you're going now for your 50th anniversary?"

Ralph replied, "I'm going to go back and get her."

—Brett Kays, Flat Rock, Michigan

YBIC,
Doc :thumbsup:
 
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mva1985

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Husband Retrieves Wife for Anniversary

Ralph and Janice were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and Pastor Jones decided to take advantage of their longevity by using their story as a sermon illustration. He asked Ralph to come on stage and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.

Ralph turned to the congregation and said, "Well, I treated her with respect and spent money on her—but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The pastor asked, "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary," Ralph answered, "I took her to Beijing, China."

The crowd nodded and murmured in appreciation. When things quieted down, the pastor winked and said: "What a terrific example you are to husbands, Ralph. So, tell us where you're going now for your 50th anniversary?"

Ralph replied, "I'm going to go back and get her."

—Brett Kays, Flat Rock, Michigan

YBIC,
Doc :thumbsup:
LOL... that was a good one!
 
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honorthesabbath

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Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick
Cheney, 'The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to pronounce
over 200 words!'

'Wow, that's pretty impressive', Cheney said, 'but you realize that he just
says the words. He doesn't really understand what they mean.'

'That's OK', Laura replied. 'Neither does the parrot'.
 
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