Joke thread

[djconklin]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.







Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[Telaquapacky]

What do you call someone who is trying to be saved by their works?






"A piece of work!"

 

[mva1985]

Both funny !!!

 

[OntheDL]

A jewish boy came home from school and told his mother that he was going to be a part of a play.

"what role" his mother asked...

"a jewish man" the boy answered.

The mother was furious! "Why did they give you a non-speaking part?"

 

[OntheDL]

Here is another one, old joke, not adventist theologically correct, but funny nonetheless...

So Fidel Castro died. He didn't know where to go. Went to heaven. St Peter was at the gate. He reviewed the book and said 'Your name is not in here. Go to hell please'.

So he goes to hell and meets the Devil there. The Devils says 'Fidel I've been waiting for you for a long time. Don't worry you are not going to burn. Let me show you where you are going to stay'.

Fidel says 'wait...I forgot my bags at the heaven's gate. Let me go back to get them first.'

'Don't worry about it. I'll send a couple of demons over to pick them up'. the devil says.

'ok'.

so two little demons went over there and saw the gate closed with bags inside. Now they are scared what the devil might do to them if they dont get the job done.

So they started climbing the walls to get inside for the bags. Two angels passed by and said among themselves "we just sent Fidel Castro to hell, now we already got refugees".

 

[TrustAndObey]

You guys will have to get used to medically-related jokes from me for a while.

Those who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

 

[mva1985]

You guys will have to get used to medically-related jokes from me for a while.

Those who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Kinda cute!!!

 

[djconklin]

I'll tell me dad that one--he had shingles.

 

[TrustAndObey]

DJ....HAHAHAHA...your response was funnier than the joke!

 

[djconklin]

He laughed. It wasn't funny when he had it tho'!

Then he though he had it again and the doc looked and said "Nope." Don't know what you got, but it isn't shingles. The only thing that helped was for me to rub Baby oil on his back and neck.

 

[longhair75]

Do you know why elephants are large, grey and wrinkled?

If they were small, white and smooth they would be aspirin

 

[djconklin]

Thwack!

And now I must send it off to my family!

 

[djconklin]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter,

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter,

"Want coffee."

The waiter says,

"Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

 

[honorthesabbath]

I came in here this moring and this thread was second from the top--this afternoon, it's on PAGE TWO!! Slow down with the new threads people!!!!!

Anyhoo---

People of all faiths use our hospital, but this was a first. As I reviewed a patient's chart, I notcied that the admitting nurse had writen next to religion....
Seventh Day in Venice!!!

 

[djconklin]

Are you sure it wasn't a Freudian slip--where she wants to be?

 

[Telaquapacky]

A ninety-five year old man went for a medical checkup. His doctor was really amazed at how fit he was for his age. Probing for any health risk factors, the doctor asked, “What was the cause of your father’s death?”

“Did I say my father died?” replied the old gentleman.

Your father is still alive? That’s wonderful! how old is he?

“One hundred and twenty-two.”

“And does your father have any health problems?”

“Oh, his joints get just a little stiff in the morning, but after running a mile, he feels fine. He runs every morning.”

“Your father runs a mile every morning?! That’s really something! Well then, what did your grandfather die of?

“Did I say my grandfather died?” said the old man.

“Wait a minute- your grandfather is still alive?? He must be-“

“One hundred forty-one,” the old man interrupted. “In fact, I saw him just last week- at his wedding! I was his best man!”

“What?! Your grandfather just got married?! Who would want to get married at one hundred and forty-one?”

“Did I say my grandfather wanted to get married?

 

[Telaquapacky]

A Bible Joke. You might need your concordance for this one.

What eight men milked a bear?

 

[TrustAndObey]

HAHAHAHA on the first one.

The second one has me stumped!

 

[Telaquapacky]

Genesis 22:21-23
Huz his firstborn, and Buz his brother, and Kemuel the father of Aram,
22 And Chesed, and Hazo, and Pildash, and Jidlaph, and Bethuel.
23 And Bethuel begat Rebekah: these eight did Milcah bear to Nahor,

 

[TrustAndObey]

LOL!

My Baptist pastor used to say that our state (Arkansas) was the only one mentioned in the bible.

He'd say..."remember? Noah looked out of the ark and saw!"