JEALOUSY and its POWER!

[bearfoot]

Hi I am a newbie here and I came looking for answers. I do not have many friends to talk to and I feel safe that I can find words of incouragment here.
My problems are many but Ill start with this one. I have been married now for 2 years and I have been in a deep depression now for over a year and a half. I am very unhappy with my relationship with my spouse. He is a good guy but I dont feel we belong together. I do have 1 child from before we got married and 1 now from this marriage. I just feel I want out due to my own Jealousy and lack of trust. He has never done anything for me not to trust him but I just dont feel I trust anyone not to hurt me. I am sitting wondering what he is doing or looking at everyday. He has told me that there are attractive people and it is not a sin to notice them its just what you do with your thoughts that matter. Of course I understand that but I dont even like the fact that in his eyes I am not the most beautiful woman. To me he is the most handsome and I truely have never saw anyone who I thought could compare(I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THIS) . Why Cant I just trust him? I downloaded a spyware program to see what he does on line and was truely beggining to trust him and love him more and then I told him about it and he was furious with me and made me erase it and is still mad. I dont get it I was feeling like finally I was moving forward and I didnt compulsivly worry about what he was doing or who he was talking to. I just cant see that if he did nothing wrong why is he so affensive? I do love him but If I cant learn to live with these emotions I would rather just stay clean of them I am very unhappy. He refuses to let me leave which is the thing to do but I would rather die than to feel this way everyday. I know councilling would be the thing to do and I did and They told me to deal with this and learn how to do this which is easier to say than to do. I am so jealous and Its a sin How can I move forward in my life if even at church functions I feel jealous ? How can my faith grow if I continue to sin by being so jealous? I feel he deserves more than this and I need a release from this but divorce is not the answer right?

 

[SavedByGrace3]

bearfoot,
You are not alone in these sorts of feelings.
These online boards are nice when you just want to field ideas and get stuff off your chest... but the best advice I can give you is to get some professional counseling. Go to a pastor. If your state has family services, you can go there. There are often free clinics in most cities.
I am praying for you.. but you need to deal with these issues face to face with someone.
Blessings in Jesus

Didaskalos

 

[search1ng]

Wow, I have been there. I have gotten a lot better and think I am on my way to overcoming it, but I still find myself struggling with jealousy quite often. I even downloaded an internet filter so I could see what my husband did online too. I also told him about it and he was very upset.

The thing is -- when someone knows that you don't trust them, it doesn't help matters any. Even though seeing that their activities are harmless helps us to trust, it helps them NOT to trust US.

Leaving is not the answer; please stick this out. You will have this problem in any relationship you ever have unless you get rid of it. It sounds like you had a pretty useless counsellor if they didn't tell you HOW to deal with it... All I can say right now is to pray. And ask your husband to pray with you. There is serious power in prayer.

Two books that I really really really recommend that you read (they helped me SO much) are: "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapian, and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

His Needs, Her Needs is a great book to read together with your husband. If you're both feeling loved and fufilled, then trust will grow.

I'm going to pray for you every day, please pray for me too!

May God bless you Bearfoot.

PS. Finding a better counsellor would help alot too -- email Focus on the Family for a list of "real" christian counsellors in your area at http://family-referral.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family_referral.cfg/php/enduser/ask.php

Another good resource is http://www.family.org/married/

 

[Sharky]

hi there. I don't have alot of wisdom on marriage. Maybe because i've never been married.

About your depression, there are some ways to help it. Take some time to exercise. Don't underestimate it. You need time to relax and have a break. Breakfast, NEVER skip it. Eat as much breakfast and you can. You do damage to yourself by not eating breakfast.

Relating to the internet, don't go behind his back when putting internet filters. Accountability is the key here. Get him to come to you. If he doesn't then at least talk to him about it. I'm not saying that he's looking up things adults shouldn't look up. The idea here is to attend to your defenses. Secrets are satan's advantage.

For now though, it sounds like depression is the first thing you need to worry about. Tned to your spirit and things will fall back into place.

 

[GodLovesUs]

This probably one of the greatest 'challenges' for anyone struggling with the issue of using the Internet and the whole trust thing. I have come to realize that using computers and the internet for some people has actually made their life worse. We end up 'spying' on the people we love which generates lack of trust and all that other garbage.

The challenge: Remove the internet...talk to the people you love...hanging out with people in person is much better anyways.

Bigger challenge: Remove the computer...how much of it is actually used for non-entertainment?

Some thing to consider:
The person you love ultimately may find it even more offensive when you start consulting others by e-mail, forums, etc. first. You may have to be the first person to be trusting and bring it up before the problem(s) get bigger.

Another thing to consider:
I am by no means a professional counselor...you can throw everything I just said out the window if you want to.
But if you wanted professional advice (hopefully from other Christians) why are you not seeking it? (Pastors,elders,deacons,caregivers,christian counselors,christian books,etc.)

With love and prayer in Jesus Christ,
Tim

 

[wvmtnkid]

bearfoot,
You are not alone in these sorts of feelings.
These online boards are nice when you just want to field ideas and get stuff off your chest... but the best advice I can give you is to get some professional counseling. Go to a pastor. If your state has family services, you can go there. There are often free clinics in most cities.
I am praying for you.. but you need to deal with these issues face to face with someone.
Blessings in Jesus

Didaskalos

I highly agree with this advice. Have you talked with your pastor about this? Perhaps this is something both you and your husband should do together, not just yourself. Maybe there is something he is not aware he is doing that is furthering this trust issue or there maybe things he can do that can help you with these feelings of jealousy. Either way, it might be good for your marriage if you BOTH went to pastoral counseling.

 

[allieisme]

Bearfoot:
I will be praying for you and your husband as well as your 2 children. The devil likes to pry his way into everything, so why not try and attack a marriage? Do you go to Church? If so, could you talk to the Pastor, or someone that would have your best interests at heart, or possibly you both could go. Your insecurities are not uncommon, sometimes I am unsecure in my marriage as well, and sometimes just want to throw in the towel. But as my Pastor has said in the past, there is a reason you two are together, and God knows the answer.
I'll be thinking and praying for your situation

 

[Aroha]

Our emotions are triggered by a number of things, all different for different people. My advice would be to look at yourself rather than your husband. Why don't you trust him? Or more impertinent why don't you trust? I have to work on my trust in God because people in my life in positions of trust in the past have abused that trust. I have to accept that God is in control, I can trust him. If I can trust him I don't need to control other people or worry about what they do because my faith is not in man but God. Of course this doesn't happen overnight.
Yes professional counselling can help if you get the right counsellor. If you can tell your husband how you feel and that you know it is not the right way to feel but you need help to change. Remember that "by his stripes we are healed". Jesus died for all sins whether the sins we have (e.g. jealousy) are of our own creation or we have inherited them from mistreatment in the past, Jesus took it all. Pray and get prayer asking him to take this burden for you.