I've failed at everything.

[Elvenkind]

Since the last time I logged in here about 6 months ago, I've been at rehab, been homeless, getting into drugs again, started using opiates and injecting amphetamine, been almost 2 months at a psychiatric hospital, one of the times because of a suicide attempt, diagnosed with transsexualism, along with my other disorders, getting out of the closet as both bisexual and transexual, having "affairs" with the same gender, walking around in the city in skirts, heavily medicated, probably permanently lost my libido because of expermenting with hormones, lost my last close friends, I gave up on what could have been the love of my life because I thought I wouldn't make her happy in the long run, having my child taken away from his mum and the child protection saying I can only see him twice a year under observation. I've not lost my faith though, but I don't see much point in it like anything else in life, and like with life I don't think anymore that it can bring me any peace or joy in life. The only thing I cling on to (even if I realistically suspect I have no chance of getting there) is the thought of eternal life. So I often pray to God to take me away from here, hoping for a swift and painless death. And I even think about suicide as a way to get to heaven, after some Christians said that it was no sin to suicide. Hoping that someone will have something to say that make sense in all of this.

 

[fuji]

Hey man,

I don't usually come on this forum but today I thought I would pop on. I saw your post, so I thought I would read it. I don't want to say that I know what you are going through, because everyone has a different walk in life, but I know you are having trouble with yours.

I am not that good of a Christian either and I still do some drugs and a lot of stupid stuff, but I want to be better in my walk, even if it will be a hard walk.

Anyways, I don't know what Christians told you that suicide is ok, but u need to get that Sh"T out of your head. I think people would lie if they said they never thought about suicide at some point in their lives.

This is a quick verse I think of when I am having a hard time.

"7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:7-10)

You never really find out what Paul was going through in his life, he could of been doing drugs too. Anyways, I hope this helps a bit.

 

[miss-a]

I'm sending you a pm.

 

[heron]

There are things in our pasts that bog us down, making it hard to think of ourselves as different, with a better potential. We are tempted to own too much of what we have done. But freedom from our past is often what gives us hope to keep going.

There are physical things going on with you too, that drain your body and mind of energy. The ups and downs sap your strength, and then you are left with a very drained self.

Get a lot of rest. Give yourself time. Let your body repair some things.

 

[suzybeezy]

I understand what you're going through. I'm going to say something that may seem a bit bizarre. But I have alot of experience dealing with the crappy hand that I frequently get dealt. I've come to learn that its these times, when life feels overwhelming, when its so hard to deal, that we have the greatest opportunity to learn to lean on God and to build a closer relationship with him. Sometimes, despite the situations being hideous, God uses those circumstances for his greater good. Without us going through those horrible times in our lives, lets face it, alot of us wouldn't get down on our knees and plead out to him.

I was in that moment about 13 yrs ago and just felt like I couldn't take any more, and I got down on my knees and cried out to God "ok, I've tried my way and it hasn't worked, I surrender my will to you Lord". I've never experienced such a feeling of just being totally broken before him and I knew in that moment that He was there with his wings of comfort and he would be faithful to help guide me in His ways. My life has completely turned around. I look back at my life in amazement how far he's brought me. He will do this for you too. Keep holding on to your faith and just keep seeking what he's wanting for your life - if there's something you know God is wanting from you, surrender it. For me, it was my control (of everything) and I had to give him the wheel. May you find peace and comfort and the will to carry on so that you may be a shining example of God's love and faithfulness.

 

[aiki]

Since the last time I logged in here about 6 months ago, I've been at rehab, been homeless, getting into drugs again, started using opiates and injecting amphetamine, been almost 2 months at a psychiatric hospital, one of the times because of a suicide attempt, diagnosed with transsexualism, along with my other disorders, getting out of the closet as both bisexual and transexual, having "affairs" with the same gender, walking around in the city in skirts, heavily medicated, probably permanently lost my libido because of expermenting with hormones, lost my last close friends, I gave up on what could have been the love of my life because I thought I wouldn't make her happy in the long run, having my child taken away from his mum and the child protection saying I can only see him twice a year under observation. I've not lost my faith though...

Sorry to be blunt, but you never had faith -- at least nothing genuine. Real faith always results in a corresponding behaviour. If you believe the dog will bite you, you won't pet it; if you believe cyanide will kill you, you won't put it in your tea; if you believe the bus will take you where you want to go, you'll get on it. So, too, with God. If you believe, truly believe, what the Bible reveals to us about God and His purposes in making us, that belief is going to reflect itself in how you behave. Nothing of what you describe above, however, reflects a genuine belief in God - at least, not the God of the Bible.

...but I don't see much point in it like anything else in life, and like with life I don't think anymore that it can bring me any peace or joy in life.

Whatever faith in God you think you have, its obvious to me that it needs to be traded in for the real thing. The "faith" you have has not altered your evil choices one iota. But God commands all of his children: "Be you holy as I am holy."

The only thing I cling on to (even if I realistically suspect I have no chance of getting there) is the thought of eternal life.

Oh, you have eternal life all right; everyone does. And judging from what you've described of your life, your eternal destiny isn't going to be with God in heaven.

So I often pray to God to take me away from here, hoping for a swift and painless death. And I even think about suicide as a way to get to heaven, after some Christians said that it was no sin to suicide. Hoping that someone will have something to say that make sense in all of this.

Here's God's advice to you:

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

James 4:8-10
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

Acts 2:38
38 Then Peter said to them, "Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 10:9-13
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
11 For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame."
12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him.
13 For "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Matthew 10:37-39
37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.
38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.
39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

Selah.

 

[kellyc]

i have never heard of someone being diagnosed as a transsexual, that is a new one for me. it sounds like you are hitting the rock bottom of your life, and if you want him, God is right there to meet you. it doesn't matter what you have done, no matter how horrible, disgusting, wrong, bad for you or others- you can ask forgiveness. you can be a new person today, and put the past behind you. i hope you will come to that point, because there are so many good things to live for. your child especially.... you want to be a good example for him, not serve as a horrible warning.

 

[Stephen Kendall]

Dear Elvenkind;

Yikes! What a mess. I think that the bottom of life must be re-ivented for you. It really isn't funny. You can make the best of what's left, but only by calling a spade a spade. If you are Christian then you are in control. Remember when Christ called the Holy Spirit your helper and Paul writes to say that we control our spirit in us. Being a Christian is being in control and whos direction is holiness, making no provision for any evil or questionable immoral thing. Drinking coffee and being gay or half and half aren't compareable. One raises your blood pressure to perhaps unhealthy limits and the other lowers your obedience to Christ completely. Both are things we that we choose or not. These things are mindless and can not attack us. It is our own worldly and fleshly lusts that drive us. We still have to choose. Being holy is choosing between coffee with all realization of possible harm or not, yet totally rejecting immoral behavior no matter the worldly stamp of normality put on it. All worldly and fleshly things are normal as lust and selfishness are, but we are called to be holy and should be with every fiber of our conscious thinking and living. Knowledge comes by obeying God through Jesus Christ, not by human ways of even cancelling God's. Wise up and trust God or leave him. You can and will defeat immorality, if you decided that God is right over the world. Make the decision and live brother.

 

[Walter Kovacs]

I am in prayer for you brother.

YouTube - Rich Mullins - Step By Step (Sometimes By Step) - Live

YouTube - Rich Mullins Hold me Jesus

 

[znr]

No one here is qualified to judge whether or not you're "going to heaven or hell", and I would challenge anyone here who claims to know the outcome of your life to produce evidence condemning you to hell. Ridiculous, people.

Eleven, I've read your posts and having been down many a road of torment and darkness I empathize with you. PM me if you need a shoulder or an ear. You're in my prayers.

 

[Nique1985]

When I hit rock bottom, I cried out to the Lord. I mean not just cry, but I cried my guts out. I was suicidal just like you. I didn't really see the point in life.Then in that split moment He spoke to my heart. He literally picked me up off of my knees dusted me off and set me on a whole new path. I guess my point is you have to be ready to recieve what He has to say to you. Are you really ready for change? Because if you are, you must give up TOTAL control of your life to the Lord and He will began to do some amazing things for you. Don't be afriad to do what the Lord says. Don't be afraid to turn from your worldly ways, God has something much better for you. He promises it in His word. Please don't end your life, God has a greater purpose for you.

I am praying for you!!!

 

[heron]

You said you'd been to a hospital... have you ever thought of looking in to more community-based centers? Ones that give a more normal daily life, and encourage more friendships among the clients?

It seems that drugs have such a strong pull, it is nearly impossible for people to get themselves completely back to a healthy daily life. Find some safe supports for yourself, even if it's just an AA-like partner.

 

[wayfaring man]

Killing oneself isn't going to solve anything, and may indeed bring far worse consequences than the one's present already...

Seeing it's a hard thing to repent of afterwards.

Keep hanging on to faith in Christ, He seeks for us to have abundant life, filled with love, peace, joy, and righteousness.

Call upon His Holy Name Jesus and pour out your heart, appealing for God's Mercy & Grace, and He will honor every honest, reverent call for healing and deliverance.

Seek /ask for His Kingdom within, via the Power of The Holy Spirit.

Consider what others say, but don't take human assertions alone as an authority.

Listen to hear The Lord's Voice speaking within, seeking confirmation in Scripture and with others who bear good fruit as a result of hanging on to the faith given them in Jesus.

Do all you can to stay away from the bad influences, while crying out for The Lord to open up doors which lead to a far better and enduring life.

May The Lord Be Pleased to Bless & Keep !

wm

 

[briareos]

Elvenkind,

I can understand your desire to go to heavon, your thought of suicide, in a way to somehow be free of the struggles and pain in your life. While we cannot always walk away from the problems we have caused we can decide to go on and try remain hopeful and make changes for the future.

God is a friend who will stick by you, I have no great wisdom or profound word of inspiration but if you pray seek and God he will help you and if you listen to him, he can and will rebuild your life.

 

[Emmy]

Dear Elvenkind. You had some good replies, and here is something you can do to show God that you mean what you promised. In Matthew, chapter 22, verses 35-40, Jesus tells a Lawyer: " The first and great Commandment is: love thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like unto it: love thy neighbour as thyself." Jesus goes on to say: " on these two Commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." It is love Jesus wants from us, selfless and no conditions asked. Start treating all you know and all you meet, as you would love to be treated: with kindness and consideration, a helping hand if needed, and a friendly smile and encouraging words. You will find that people will treat you the same, and God will notice and approve and give you His blessings. Love is very catching, Elvenkind, and should be our sword to fight with, Love overcomes all obstacles and unkind dealings. We are told again and again: Repent, change our selfish and unloving character into Loving and Caring, and every little counts. Jesus will give us His Love and Joy, and His Peace too, and the Holy Spirit will empower us with His Love. Jesus also told us: "Ask and ye will receive" and God will see that we mean business. We will stumble and fail, but each time we get up again, ask God to forgive us as we will forgive others. You will start enjoying life abundantly, as Jesus promised us. Try and see, Elvenkind. I say this with love. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[paul becke]

If you have hope, It seems to me you must also have faith and love as well: the theological virtues. And if we have them, we have everything.

How do you know how heroically or unheroically you have led your life? You don't. You may have had a whole array of battles to fight without the requisite weapons. It sounds to me as if you have tried, on and off, to take up your cross daily and follow Christ.

If we always had the means to win in every situation, where would be the trial, where the crosses? It sounds to me as if you have had more than most people's share of heavy crosses - and still come out the other side, a caring human being. What more can you ask? Keep that hope, your love of God and your fellow man. You may yet find a nice lady to share your life with you; one who is not interested in sex, anyway. A lot of women lose interest in it rapidly. In any event, I expect you would keep away from cross-dressing and gender bending, as it seems you can see the moral ugliness of that kind of thing.

Whatever happens, always bear in mind that God's Providence is never derailed. Not always easy to believe, as it's difficult for us to seee our sufferings in the perspective of eternity, in which they will be swallowed up, transfigured into endless joy and glory with the people we have loved the most in our lives, and many more.

 

[paul becke]

Sorry to be blunt, but you never had faith -- at least nothing genuine. Real faith always results in a corresponding behaviour. If you believe the dog will bite you, you won't pet it; if you believe cyanide will kill you, you won't put it in your tea; if you believe the bus will take you where you want to go, you'll get on it. So, too, with God. If you believe, truly believe, what the Bible reveals to us about God and His purposes in making us, that belief is going to reflect itself in how you behave. Nothing of what you describe above, however, reflects a genuine belief in God - at least, not the God of the Bible.

Whatever faith in God you think you have, its obvious to me that it needs to be traded in for the real thing. The "faith" you have has not altered your evil choices one iota. But God commands all of his children: "Be you holy as I am holy."

Oh, you have eternal life all right; everyone does. And judging from what you've described of your life, your eternal destiny isn't going to be with God in heaven.

Here's God's advice to you:

Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

James 4:8-10
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

Acts 2:38
38 Then Peter said to them, "Repent, and let every one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins; and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 10:9-13
9 that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
10 For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
11 For the Scripture says, "Whoever believes on Him will not be put to shame."
12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek, for the same Lord over all is rich to all who call upon Him.
13 For "whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."

Matthew 10:37-39
37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.
38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.
39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.

Selah.

That smug emoticon of yours says it all. "Relaxed" What a Pharisee! You should meditate day and night on Jesus' parable about the proud Pharisee, who told God that he was glad he was not a sinner like the tax collector.

Note that the sins he inveighed against are indeed sins, but that Jesus was pointing out that he was himself likely to face damnation for his merciless self-righteousness. In one altercation with the Pharisees and other purported men of religion, he told them bluntly they were spawn of Satan. Watch your step - if it's not already too late.

Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector

This is supposed to be an "edification" thread, not a "condemnation/destruction" thread. How dare you presume to know the obstacles God in his all-loving Providence, has nevertheless allowed to be put in the man's path? And what plans he has for him?