I've been away for awhile

[tallyn75]

I'm not sure where to begin. I've had a rough 2-3 months (My memory sucks, I'll explain why in a minute).

I went into the PHospital in November with a really bad depressive episode; and even though it's a bit better, I am still quite low. Toward the end of my hospital stay, the PDoc started me on Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT's). At first I had them 3 times a week, then spacing them out to once every other week. I don't think they're helping any better than the meds have. Well, perhaps a little. I spend the first week thereafter in relatively good spirits, then in the second week I begin to get weepy out of the blue with very little to trigger it. The last day or two before the next ECT are horrible, just about every thought is negative, and the negative thoughts lead to suicidal thoughts. Fortunately the next ECT seems to bring temporary relief. I am sure I would have been in the hospital over the holidays if it weren't for these treatments. The PSurgeon that does the ECTs said he wanted to be able to space the treatment out to every three weeks, but my symptoms prevent it. He also brought up the fact that perhaps the treaments aren't working for me and that perhaps we should stop them and try something else. I'm afraid to stop them.

My behavior isn't the best either. I find my self doubling one of my evening meds to escape into dreamland more quickly. It seems my whole life is in the toliet and falling apart. Maybe the abrupt trip into unconsciousness during the ECTs...maybe that's why they bring temporary relief. Of course my short term memory is affected, and that's a pain in the rear. Things that used to be concrete in my mind--phone numbers, where a particular store I frequent is located, whole movies I watched just 2 months ago. I don't know how my husband puts up with me, and I'm sure if he knew the whole story, he'd leave me. I am so not the person my husband met 15 years ago.

Well, my next ECT is tomorrow morning, so I'll be okay; but I am so sick of the cycling...up, down, mixed. I so want out of it all.

 

[Alive again]

Tallyn,

so good to hear from you again. So very sorry to hear what a difficult time you have been having. I also had a course of ECT once. Yep the memory issue were huge.

Hugs and prayers.

 

[tallyn75]

Thanks for your response and prayers.
I am feeling better, but still feel locked in an unbreakable cycle.
I don't know if there is anything left to try.
I fear the consequences of these cycles.
Consequences of things I never would have thought about doing before Bipolar reared it's ugly head.
This box of trouble--I'm afraid to get out and afraid to stay in.
In spite of all this, I'm trying to find my way back to God.
"Born Again" by the Newsboys has been in my head a lot lately. Especially:

"Believed the lie so, everything that I know
Says I gotta go, tired of going solo
But I'm never gonna go there again"

and

"I didn't want to fall, but I don't have to crawl
I'm not the One with two scarred hands
Givin' him the best of, everything that's left of
The life inside this man
I've been Born Again"

But there's two of me it would seem. One that cares and one that don't. One that knows what's right and one that insists on wrong (and it's this one, I fear, will win).

 

[Alive again]

Tallyn,

hugs and prayers!

Remember this illness effects the brain and thus our feelings and moods. So our feelings can lie to us because they are so effected by our illness. The only truth I could trust when my moods are so controlling my thoughts, was the truth I found in Scripture!!!

Praying for you! Laurie

 

[PrairieGurl]

Dearest Tallyn

I too have been away for quite awhile. Funny how i seem to always come back to CF. I find when i am stuggling with the cycles this disease offers, i avoid everything and everybody.
Besides the ECT all i can say to your posts is DITTO. Unfortunately i left my husband during one of my delusional states which was a few years back and the marriage dissolved. I am so happy for you that your husband has stood by your side.
As sad as i am that so many suffer with BP, it gives some kind of comfort to know that others understand this struggle.
Awaiting to hear that you have leveled out.
With love,
Winnie

 

[tallyn75]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement. Leveled out? Well I guess I am level today. I seem to be cycling so fast, though, that I can have three or four good days, and then plummet to the bottom over the next couple days. I guess we'll see if this lasts until Sunday. If it does perhaps I can start phasing out the ECTs. I tend to look forward to the ECTs because they interrupt my cycles albeit temporarily. But the anesthesia burns my vein right before it takes effect and knocks me out and I can't trust my memory any more (thinking processes seem to be affected too).

My husband is supportive, I'm grateful for him. But I don't think he would be as supportive if he knew me as well as I know me. I don't think I could be as supportive if the shoe were on the other foot.

Also I worry that my kids aren't getting the parenting that they need. My son, 9.5 years old, won't obey us and I think he's got some emotional issues as well. I know they need consistency in their lives, but how does one provide consistency when their whole life is filled with extreme ups and downs.

But in spite of my worries, I'm doing alright. I have a different song in my head today. Toby Mac's "Made to love" YouTube - tobymac-Made To Love with lyrics