I've been abused

[Kitty.]

I have been abused since I can remember.
I have weird flashbacks that I can't even explain so I am sure that there is abuse that I have blocked out.

I accepted Christ when I was 6, but it seems like He hasn't been protecting me.

My parents are Christians and I have always heard that parents are supposed to be examples of Christ's love. My parents have shown me hate and pain. My mom acts so immature and she's a perfectionist. My dad is a perfectionist too. I can never measure up to them. I can't be good enough ever and it kills me inside.

I know Jesus loves me, but I want someone on Earth to love me. A human being.

I just feel so hurt a lot of the times. I can't even feel Christ's love anymore. I feel so alone now. I hate feeling alone.

I know that I am supposed to follow Christ and abstain from all sins and stuff, and that is so hard because sometimes I can barely make it through one day.

I'm tired of the flashbacks. Certain smells, events, etc trigger them. It's never a full flashback. It's more of I know something happened and I don't know what it is and those triggers only make me more sure that something happened.

I hear people talk about how Christ totally delivered them. Where is my deliverance? Where is my peace?
Why hasn't Christ granted it to me yet?
What is wrong with me?
The longer this goes on, the worse my religious OCD gets.

 

[joey_downunder]

Have you told anyone about these flashbacks? Do your Mum and Dad know about them?

 

[Kitty.]

I tried to tell them but it didn't go over so well.

 

[joey_downunder]

Didn't they take you seriously? That is a real shame.

Do you have a school counsellor or good christian counsellor or even school nurse etc. you can talk to about what you are thinking and feeling?

If you find it hard to talk about these things easily, maybe you could write down all the feelings and things that trigger them first and read them to that person you trust? I actually find it a lot easier to type or write than to talk about things when I'm upset.

 

[Kitty.]

No they didn't take me seriously.

No I don't have anyone like that and honestly, I don't really trust people in real life. :o

 

[LondonAssyrian]

It's understandable that you are unable to trust. It's very saddening to hear what you're going through, my prayers are with you Kitty and your family, that you may come closer together and heal the wounds of the past.

You understand that the love of Christ is the love that our hearts should truly desire. The love humans show to each other is influenced too easily by emotion, situations and other factors. If we seek love from others, we often fail. That said, your parents should be much more responsive to what you're going through. Never feel guilty about your search for warmth from others.

As Christians and as your parents, your mother and father should be open to hear what you have to say. No matter how much it seems they do not listen, keep bringing up your fears and thoughts. They have no reason to neglect you and pay you no interest. Do not fear speaking your mind. Approach them with kindness and sincerity and I pray they open their hearts and minds to the troubles you experience. I know this is easier said then done. Take small steps if you feel you unable to approach them directly straight away. Try talking to them one on one and approach them at a suitable time.

I know you said you do not trust others, but do you have other family or friends that may be able to speak to your parents for you and express their concern about you? Have you considered turning to a charity or church for help?

Put your focus on Christ and forgiveness and I pray the wounds of the past may be healed. I pray the love of Christ remains with you and that it extends to those around you and that they echo the love of Christ towards you in their lives. Amen.

 

[Kitty.]

It's understandable that you are unable to trust. It's very saddening to hear what you're going through, my prayers are with you Kitty and your family, that you may come closer together and heal the wounds of the past.

Thanks for the prayers.

You understand that the love of Christ is the love that our hearts should truly desire. The love humans show to each other is influenced too easily by emotion, situations and other factors. If we seek love from others, we often fail. That said, your parents should be much more responsive to what you're going through. Never feel guilty about your search for warmth from others.

I do desire Christly love, but there are times when I still feel alone and lonely.
I've kinda tried to seek love from boys.

As Christians and as your parents, your mother and father should be open to hear what you have to say. No matter how much it seems they do not listen, keep bringing up your fears and thoughts. They have no reason to neglect you and pay you no interest. Do not fear speaking your mind. Approach them with kindness and sincerity and I pray they open their hearts and minds to the troubles you experience. I know this is easier said then done. Take small steps if you feel you unable to approach them directly straight away. Try talking to them one on one and approach them at a suitable time.

Well see, a lot of my troubles come from being abused by them, and they deny that they abuse me. It's kinda a losing battle for me.

I know you said you do not trust others, but do you have other family or friends that may be able to speak to your parents for you and express their concern about you? Have you considered turning to a charity or church for help?

One of my friends knows. Most of my family is either dead or I don't really know them.
I go to a church but I just don't feel comfortable telling people there.

Put your focus on Christ and forgiveness and I pray the wounds of the past may be healed. I pray the love of Christ remains with you and that it extends to those around you and that they echo the love of Christ towards you in their lives. Amen.

Thanks

 

[Johnnz]

You have a lot to process. Changes will be a journey, not something instant. Having an understanding person to walk with you would be so helpful. Its even more difficult alone. Your parents have set you up to know inner pain and stress. They have never processed their own hurts which they have now inflicted onto you.

You are quite young. Is there a school counsellor, a wise, caring adult you respect, someone you can talk to?

John
NZ

 

[Kitty.]

You have a lot to process. Changes will be a journey, not something instant. Having an understanding person to walk with you would be so helpful. Its even more difficult alone. Your parents have set you up to know inner pain and stress. They have never processed their own hurts which they have now inflicted onto you.

You are quite young. Is there a school counsellor, a wise, caring adult you respect, someone you can talk to?

John
NZ

Yeah I don't really currently have anyone.
No there isn't.
I was going to be mentored by a lady from my church but my mom said I'm not allowed to be.

 

[Johnnz]

That's tough. Although it will be hard you will survive. In a couple of years you can be more independent of your parent's advice. Seems too if you get someone prepared to help go ahead without telling your parents. Their indifference and resistance is really slack (to put it mildly) and whenever you can do something it is never going to be with their approval anyway it would seem.

You may find someone here you can correspond with and that could be helpful. Feel free to PM me if ever you feel you just aren't coping.

John
NZ

 

[Kitty.]

That's tough. Although it will be hard you will survive. In a couple of years you can be more independent of your parent's advice. Seems too if you get someone prepared to help go ahead without telling your parents. Their indifference and resistance is really slack (to put it mildly) and whenever you can do something it is never going to be with their approval anyway it would seem.

You may find someone here you can correspond with and that could be helpful. Feel free to PM me if ever you feel you just aren't coping.

John
NZ

I will survive. I'm sure of that. Yeah I am thinking of at least having a mentor lined up for me.

I love the people here definitely.
Thanks. I'll PM you if I need to

 

[Red A.]

They say that our parents do (did) the best they can do. Well sometimes the best they can do stinks. Remember that we are all broken people and some of us are more broken than others. People that cannot love themselves cannot love anyone else. Whether this is all they are willing to do or this is the best they can do, it is what it is. You may have to just accept that you are going to grow beyond them. You also have to decide to grow beyond them. Loving someone (them) that is more deserving of a kick in the head is hard, but it can be done.