It's not worth it, not worth being lonely...

[AureateDawn]

I'm just... I don't even know. I'm gay and I can't share my life with someone, and I'm so bitter about that. Bitter at God and at the Church. I want to go hiking and look over mountains and share the beauty with someone. I want to look up at the beauty of the stars and feel small with someone else. Lay there on a blanket and hear his breathing. Lay my head against his chest and hear the wonderful music of his heartbeat. I also want the bad stuff that comes in relationships/marriage. I want to cook dinner for him and the kids when he gets home from work, and he be in a cranky mood and the kids be acting up. I want the bad morning breath, the disagreements.... everything. I want all of that. And I can't.

I can't share beauty and heartache with that one special someone. No hugs, no cuddles, no love. I won't be old one day and sit in a rocking chair looking back at photo albums of us once upon a time, of our kids, who now have our grandkids...

I want to share my life with someone and raise a family. It's like... is that so bad? And I talk to everyone - Christian friends (not the agnostic/neopagan ones who tell me to just live my life and "be gay"), priests, monks... But I don't know anyone else struggling with this, and I hate it. I don't have a reason to get up in the morning. When there's no school, I wake up, and lay in bed an hour or so, till I have to get up to go pee. How pathetic is that? The reason I get out of bed in the morning is to go pee.... I hate even waking up at all.

And I hate God and the Church and myself, because I know this is the Truth, and I know there is a God, so I can't just go and be something else.

I don't know. I'm just sick of being lonely and looking forward to lonely Valentine's Days for the rest of my life, looking forward to a lonely, bleak future, old and alone (if I live that long) without having shared my life with that special someone....

 

[Lady Bug]

Justin, even though I'm not gay, there is not one word that you have written, that I would not have written myself.

I am also sick of the whole aloneness too. I have seen enough of platitudes saying how I can fill myself up with God and that He alone will fill that void that I'm feeling. It is not working. The closer I get to God, the more I want to share in the sacrament of marriage. It will not stop until the day I die. The reason being is that there will be something that will remind me of being alone. No photo albums, no holiday memories, no one to hold my hand in the hospital, to hold me and tell me he loves me, no poignant marriage proposal with him putting a ring on my finger, no memories of falling in love, no first kiss, etc. I don't care what anyone says, it is painful and no platitudes can help me feel better.

 

[Bellicus]

I feel bad for the pain you describe about your loneliness, I really do.

It disturbs me a bit that this loneliness has developed into bitterness and hate against God. Do you think God wants you to be homosexual? The bible say that God tempt no one, and that it is not Him that make people sin, but that people are driven by the desires in their own heart. Did you know that God sent his son to take the sin of the world on Himself, that Jesus carries both mine and yours and everyone else sin on Himself? I don't know about you, but when I think just about my own sin, everything I've done wrong in my life, then this is a heavy burden, so just imagine the sin of all humanity. Imagine what Jesus actually are carrying on His shoulders, so that we can be free and live forever. God has heard your cry thousands of years ago and has already done something about it, there is only a short time left and then we will see for sure just what a amazing thing He has really done. And already in this life we have been given the comforter, the Holy Spirit that we can escape in and by following the Holy Spirit we can see something else the thorns in our lives.

But I'm not going to trivialize your loneliness though. I really do understand that it must hurt.

When it comes to your question about "is that so bad?" then nothing of what you mention is bad. But in this forum it is not allowed to say "It is OK to be gay" either, so there is really no room for a objective debate about it, but I think that is allowed in 'Christian philosophy and ethics'.

And I notice that all the things you list up really got nothing to do with sex at all. It seems like you miss company more then anything. And from what I read in your post then it is unlikely that you will get a male partner, so could a female partner help against the loneliness you think? All the things you mention is something you could experience with a female partner. I know that attraction would not be the same, or even non-existent, but still: Do you have to go trough life alone? I have a very good male friend, and some time back our friendship got so deep that I actually almost felt like I was in love with him. I felt so connected with Him that I just wanted to be close to him. And I know for sure that males don't attract me, I love females when it comes to sexuality. But I'm sure that if I didn't feel that it was wrong with homosexual sex as a Christian and generally, then I could probably even share my sex-life with him. I know it is uncommon, but I'm hetero and that was still what I felt. And now I've met a girl and I feel a even deeper connection to her, and I know for sure that what I feel is not about physical attraction, but about that I like the person she is. Sex is something that really don't matter in relationships like that. So just a idea, maybe that is something you could search for too? I wouldn't have suggested it if you didn't express that you don't intend to live in homosexual relationships.

Sex really seem to suck anyway. I've been in lots of relationships that was just about physical attraction, and it was really just a hollow feeling about them, I never felt satisfied. And the attraction dies with time. Imagine all the couples that stick together at a old age, I don't think things like sex matter to them anymore, but stick together for the company.

Anyway, I just have to repeat that I feel with you, that I understand how this must hurt, and I hope I haven't seemed ignorant and stupid in any of what I've written. I wish I could swing a magic wand and make your life into something that would make you happy. But really all I can do is to say that I care, and to pray for you, and if you should ever need anyone to talk with, then my PM box is also always available. God bless.

 

[camaren]

Wow. I've been going through the exact same emotions.
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[UnitynLove]

The truth of the matter is that no relationship or person will ever make you truely happy or fulfilled only God can do that.

 

[jacobaker]

My sexual addiction took me in a different direction, a direction that I am not at liberty to disclose right now. I was enslaved to this addiction for most of life and it took exposure and a long bout in prison to bring me down to level that I could humble myself enough to allow God to work in my life.

Even when I was active in my addiction, there was still something missing in my relationships, something in heart wasn&#8217;t being filled. Even in my normal relationships, there was a hole in my heart, something missing. The more I tried to fill this hole with my addiction, the bigger the hole got. Given in to the lust of flesh is nothing more than a temporary fix at best. You just keep sinking deeper and deeper to a point that you just can&#8217;t take any longer. If you weak, it won&#8217;t take long for the addiction to break you. But, if you are strong spirited, you could, like me, spend the better part of your life enslaved to the deceptions of sexual sin and addiction.

I am going to assume that there is conviction through the Holy Spirit, just for the mere fact that you are here and asking. You already have the power to overcome your sexual sin and addiction through the shed blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. God promises that, as a child of God, you will not temped over and above what you have the power to overcome.

The love that you are looking for, you will not find in an immoral sexual relationship; you will find nothing but hardship, disconnected from the power through the Holy Spirit. The love that you are looking for can only be found in the unconditional perfected love of the Lord Jesus Christ. There is joy and fulfillment in a perfected love relationship with Jesus and it is yours for the taking. All you have to do is surrender. Take it to the cross and God promises that through grace he will take and bear the burden load through is his son Jesus whom he sent to died to redeem man from law and sin. My relationship with God is most dynamic powerful relationship that I have experienced in my 50 years in this world. Take it to the cross! Surrender!

 

[wookman5280]

God is always number one. no matter what, god created you and wants you to love yourself and others.
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So know that you are not alone and that only god can help you with issues of any sort, so have faith and he is all forgiving... do not let any human being tell you that you are not beautiful or amazing because god created you and that is all who matters. with love, god bless

wookman

 

[faithful follower]

You were very brave to post this, and I respect you for your frankness.

After reading your post, I think you are suffering from depression. Yes, you are lonely. I am not minimizing your loneliness.

Much of your post sounds like depression though. Not wanting to get out of bed is a symptom of depression!! Please seek a screening for depression. Depression is real and it's treatable. If you do have depression, once it is helped, you can deal with the other issues.

There is time for this to be resolved . You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please see a doctor or a counselor and see if an antidepressant is in order.

God loves you as much today as He ever has. Remember, there is nothing you can do to make Him love you more and there is nothing you can do to make Him love you less. He cares.

Praying for you.

 

[GlennK]

The truth of the matter is that no relationship or person will ever make you truely happy or fulfilled only God can do that.

QFT