It's Just About Over. How stupid can life get?

[Southern Cross]

Enough is enough. I've posted a few things about my failing marriage in the past. After 13 years, it's over. My wife is filing for divorce, and I'm actually relieved and heartbroken and sick about it all at the same time. I just can't see a way through this anymore. I'm a pretty smart guy - or so I've been told - but I'm at a loss at trying to explain how we arrived at this point in our lives.

I don't understand everything that's happened over the past three years, and I don't know why she hates me. She has made it clear she wants her own life, her own job, her choice of relationships, and she does not want me around except for the kids to have a dad. She values her cell phone, romance novels, her secret email accounts, and relationships with friends who do not live a Christian lifestyle over me as her husband. I think God was preparing me for that all that stuff, especially the personal attacks. It hurt so much, but I was ready for it. When I was praying for restoration, He warned me that I needed to ride out the verbal stuff when it happened and not retaliate, and prepare for temptations that would drive more nails into the coffin if I fell. And yes, Satan threw a big one my way recently, and God was faithful, and helped me to stay away from it and do the right thing. But God also made it clear that my marriage might not last, because my wife and I are not on the same page in our relationship with God.

All I know is that I've tried to save my marriage with God's help, and failed, because I didn't let God have complete control. I had to give it up to God completely. I've asked for God to heal our marriage time and time again, and... it only gets worse. Counseling doesn't work. I've asked her dozens of times to please lets work together to do what it takes to remain married... she gets extremely angry, slams the door shut every time. I can't help but think she is slamming the door shut on God, too. God cannot work in a marriage unless both people are willing to let Him in. Maybe it's too little, too late on my part.

I'm also so heartbroken about what will happen to my young kids as they grow up in a broken home and being exposed to whoever she ends up dating or seeing. I will be there for my kids as much as I can, and let nothing get in the way of that.

I guess in many ways I'm DONE with this - there's only so much you can hear you are not wanted and betrayed in words and actions. I went through the shock stage, the anger stage, the depression, now resignation and acceptance. I made my own stupid mistakes. Still kept fighting it, refusing to leave the marriage. I love God with all my heart - at least what's left of it - and I just can't see a way through this anymore.

My Christian friends have asked me some tough questions, along the same lines of what my counselor would have asked, and even now, they're in agreement the best thing to do is leave, get out, and try to be a Godly man and dad to my kids. They've known my wife for years, they don't understand it, and now they're finished trying to convince her to stick with the marriage. They've backed away from her. I can now understand why some couples will back away from their friends with marriage troubles, they see a marriage failing and it's like the plague. My wife won't call or talk to them anyway, so those friendships are pretty much over.

In the end, who knows what will happen? Even now, I'd jump at a chance for real reconciliation because I still love my wife in many ways. But I am out of steam - if it's going to happen, it needs to be God orchestrating it. I'm not looking forward to life alone, without a partner and best friend. It's been that way for three years already. I know I could start dating and get married again but I can't see myself doing that right now. Then sometimes I end up wishing it was my wife. I feel like it's really wrong to want something like that with someone else before my marriage is even officially over. I guess it's more of a "hope for the future" since I have no idea what life will be like over the coming years.

Please keep us in your prayers. Even now, at the last minute, things can change. I am 100% certain of that.

Anyway, I want to thank you all for your prayers and support. CF has been a true blessing. And my friends, too. They've opened up their hearts and homes, and some have voluntarily stepped in to help me through all this (I'm not one to accept help - I like to be the one helping!).

You know what my wildest dream is? I'd love to sit down with Jesus, I mean physically sit there with him on the beach at night, and have him lay it all out on the line, tell me what I'm doing wrong and right, and help me expose the hidden dark places in my heart. Because I am in sore need of it right now.

I guess I'm not looking for answers here on this forum. Maybe just prayer,encouragement to contnue seeking God's will for my life, to intercede for her. Just needed a place to share where I'm at. I move into an apartment on February 1st. It' a relief and it sucks at the same time

 

[Agape4u]

Bro, all I can say is...I'm praying for you!!!!

 

[Changed]

I am sorry for your hurt. I don't know what else to say-but know this too shall pass and brighter days are ahead! Continue to walk with the Lord and go to him in everything you do!

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Southern Cross, your responses to my posts have always been a blessing. I only hope I can provide even a fraction of comfort that you have given me time and time again.

I'm so sorry all of this happened to you and your family. I know all too well the mixed feelings of relief and sadness. I know you are very concerned about the children. When children are invovled, it's never an easy thing. Have you considered seeking sole custody of the children? It's difficult for the husband to be favored over the wife, but could she be proven as an unfit mother? Do you feel they would be better left in your care? I know it seems like a difficult decision, but what do you feel would be best for the children, which is what matters most now.

Other than that, all I can do is offer up lots of cyber-hugs and prayers that no matter what happens, that God's will be done and He will equip you with all of the strength and peace you need to get you through these trying times. God bless you.

 

[Southern Cross]

Fluffy Rainbow - you are right. It's only over the past month that I've begun to feel a sense of peace about what's happening. Thanks for the prayers and support. I'm sure it'll be a roller coaster for a little while. You've gone through a similar expereince, but you are strong. God's got you covered. Me too.

Agape4U - nice to see you back, man. I wondered how you were doing! Hpoe the leg is doing well.

About custody - No, she loves our children dearly, has always been a good mother to them and will fight for primary custody. She has always done what's best for them and I can't knock her there. I disagree with some of her parenting attitudes, but she disagrees with some of mine, neither of us is wrong. I'm certain our children will be loved regardless of who they end up with. The fear of my wife dating someone who may be a bad influence on them is not enough for the courts to give me custody. If I feel that they are in a bad spot, I'll step in immediately. I'm pretty good at that stuff and can take care of things. I will have enough involvement in their lives on a weekly and sometimes daily basis to make a difference. The kids and I love to camp on the beach, fish, go to Chuck-e-Cheese and play mini golf. So there will be plenty of that once we recover financially. My career allows me much freedom with my time at this point in life, although I may need to eventually go back to the corporate grind.

Anyway, the toughest part is setting up a new house with literally nothing. Hmmm, lets see. Air mattress - check. Paper plates - check. Mac & Chesse - check. Good friends and God's love - check. I must be all set to go then! Still stinks, but it will be okay in the end.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Amen Southern Cross. About the custody, you are right. I wasn't sure of the details if she was a habitual cheater or had any substance abuse problems, but if she isn't then she would be granted custody anyway. I'm just so sorry about all of this. Don't let it drag you down. I know that's easier said than done, but take the time you need to heal. Don't let your married friends try and hook you up with their single friends at dinner parties LOL People always feel sorry for people like us and assume we must be immediately thrust back into the dating scene. But hang in there. God has His hand on you every step of the way.

 

[Southern Cross]

Don't let your married friends try and hook you up with their single friends at dinner parties LOL People always feel sorry for people like us and assume we must be immediately thrust back into the dating scene. But hang in there. God has His hand on you every step of the way.

You nailed it! I already have a couple of "concerned" wives of friends mentioning their single friends, and my divorce isn't even finalized. Hmmmm... makes me feel good in a way, but I'll reject any any matchmaking efforts by friends, even if they mean well.

They can feel sorry for me if they want - when I'm down in the Keys with my kids camping and snorkeling and just generally having a good time. I feel bad for them feeling sorry for me, but I won't be feeling that way about myself. I have a pretty good sense of self worth - comes from being in the family of the Most High God. While I don't want the divorce, I realize now there's not anything I can do to stop it. The depression thing comes and goes now, but doesn't stay for long, and it's getting easier to hang in there.

 

[desi]

If you can't be married the best you can do is be there consistently for your kids. Its all about putting the time in with them.

 

[E-beth]

I am SO SO SO SO sorry! I know from experience how something can be a relief and hurt like death at the same time.

When I was going through my marriage's breakup, I remember wishing I could crawl onto God's lap and just cry and doze wrapped up in a blanket like a child. Then one day someone at church sang a song written by Dennis Jernigan called If I Could Just Sit With You Awhile. It hit that nail right on the head. Let me know if you wanna hear it.

Remember that God CAN heal all wounds and that He knows the desires of your heart. He blesses those who seek to obey Him in ways that seem unfathomable. Lean on Him for all things during this time and seek His will.

I am praying for peace to wash over you and your family. And desi is right. Spend as much time with your kids as possible. They need to know it isn't their fault and that you will always be around for them.

 

[September]

When I was going through my marriage's breakup, I remember wishing I could crawl onto God's lap and just cry and doze wrapped up in a blanket like a child. Then one day someone at church sang a song written by Dennis Jernigan called If I Could Just Sit With You Awhile. It hit that nail right on the head. Let me know if you wanna hear it.

I've been going through a rough time for quite awhile now, and the first time I heard that song (sung by Todd Agnew), I just wept and wept. I still cry when I listen to it, especially on particularily hard days.

I'm sorry for all that you are going through, Southern Cross. May God be with you and give you comfort and strength.

 

[desi]

While this is hard on you it is probably devastating to your children. Their role models for how adults are supposed to act are showing them how to give up on a commitment they made to each other and God. The very foundation they should be able to take for granted, family as they know it, is dissolving before our eyes. It may be impolite to point this out, but it would be a greater sin not to. Giving up on something difficult is easy, to stay and work through it is both challenging and rewarding. Fifty percent of Christian marriages end in divorce, its not God's will.

 

[LostnFound]

Desi, I'm not sure how that was helpful or supportive. If you thoroughly read his post, you would see that he doesn't want this to happen and continues to hope for reconciliation. When someone else is driving the train, sometimes you simply have to accept the destination.

SC, my prayers continue to be with you!

 

[Henaynei]

this has brought back certain memories, so this may be more about me than you--but---
Southerncross - I understand - I hung on to a marriage - tried to make it work - in the face of physical and emotional abuse, in the face ro repeated and blantant infidelity - for nearly 10 years - though married I was really just a kept woman, except it was I that was doing the keeping, including making sure the bills got paid and there was food on the table, and keeping a job when he refused - I hung on with tooth, nail and prayer - sometimes that is not enough - sometimes the other refuses to join the marriage...... and yes, the children are the tragic collateral damage - straifed by "friendly fire" - some of their wounds may never heal - that is something the makes folks like you and I struggle and try even when all the weight is against us...... and we struggle to keep it afloat until we nearly drown, until the marriage is torn from our grasp and we are left in the malestrom to try and survive and salvage the lives of the children...... and so we wrap up our own pain and instead focus on what our children need - as you have said - you are still their father and ALL your decisions about your life from hense forth, just as if all the family was still living in the same home, MUST place what their needs are first - before ywhere you live, or job you take or relationships you may want to have in the future - you *may* not be still married to your wife (if G-d allows this to happen) but you are STILL "married" to your children

 

[Southern Cross]

yes... That's exactly the way I feel about my kids! And Desi, I think your comments were not intended to offend. As it is now, I have no choice in the matter. We are now in the stages of dividing up assets and debt, and then her lawyer files the paperwork for us. Still a slim chance for things to work out and stay together, we shall see.

Thanks to all for your encouragement and kind words - as well as your attempts to see through this mess and help me understand where I'm accountable (from previous posts). There is not one person on this forum who didn't offer great advice or try to help in some way. That's outstanding. Thank you again!

 

[desi]

yes... That's exactly the way I feel about my kids! And Desi, I think your comments were not intended to offend. As it is now, I have no choice in the matter. We are now in the stages of dividing up assets and debt, and then her lawyer files the paperwork for us. Still a slim chance for things to work out and stay together, we shall see.

Thanks to all for your encouragement and kind words - as well as your attempts to see through this mess and help me understand where I'm accountable (from previous posts). There is not one person on this forum who didn't offer great advice or try to help in some way. That's outstanding. Thank you again!

Sure you have a choice. Its the choice between watching someone steal you children and fighting them from taking them away. If you sign the papers and agree to the divorce you seal the fate and are responsible for the future of what happens. The obvious thing to do is contest the divorce, to have the spine and grounding in the word to say, 'No, I will not roll over and let my family be torn apart.' It takes a strength to do that and you may fail despite the effort but it is the only right move to make in the grave situation you're in. No fault divorce, I'm okay you're okay, is a lie. A powerful tool in Satan's arsenal against the Christian family. After all, doesn't everyone deserve a break, a second chance?

 

[Southern Cross]

Great point Desi, but it's a catch 22. Here in Florida, it's a no fault divorce state. So anyone can divorce for any reason, literally. Infidelity is listed as "irreconcilable differences" for most divorces unless there are significant assets to divide and one spouse wants to fight it out and sway the court's opinion in their favor. One simply has to file the paperwork, either through a lawyer or on your own, and it's a done deal. Your divorce process is completed in 30-60 days, depending on the case load and fact finding on assets. It's a bit more complicated when children are involved, but the only extra step is for one spouse to ask a state mediator or family law representative to set a monthly child support payment and the state will impose it based on a pretty strict formula (no room for negotiation).

So, even though I do not plan to sign the divorce papers, it will happen anyway, because the state will still grant the divorce request. There is no such thing as preventing a divorce in the state by Florida by fighting the divorce in court. You can only sway the courts opinion in the division of assets.

That brings up another point. My wife is very well aware of how I think the marriage is being thrown away, and how much I hate the whole thing. But, the one thing we've agreed on is to NOT fight over the children. We will pretty much have equal time with them, not inluding short periods of time where one or the other of us gets busy from a professional standpoint and holiday travels. Florida almost always gives the mother primary custody unless there is another agreement made behid the scenes between the parents. We both agree that fighting over custody would further deterioate what's left of our relationship and hurt my kids tremendously. The bottom line is that even though I have proof of things that were done intentionally over the past 2+ years to set our marriage up for failure, even if I use them in court, I still end up at the exact same agreement we have now (less about $15K in legal expenses). Reasonable child support, liberal shared custody rights, no alimony payments, and 1/2 the proceeds from the house once it's sold.

So, I don't see a way around this except for asking God to soften her heart and see how good it can be to remain married, and shake off this stubborness about living her own life that she has. And to keep my heart in the game, too, because it's just so hard not to harden my heart towards her. I guess the only way for our marriage to survive is for God to work some kind of miracle. This was supposed to be a forever thing, and it's being tossed aside nonchalantly like a piece of unwanted furniture brought out to the curb.

Anyway, now I really have no choice but to leave. She has applied for temporary state aid for the kids even though I'm still paying for a many of our bills and if the state visits and finds me still here, I'm the one who must pay restitution to the state once the divorce is finalized (very unfair). And right now, I don't need another bill that will amount to a couple of thousand dollars. I had no idea about this until I was told on the day she applied for aid. Which irks me, because there are plenty of jobs available in our area and she has a college degree. I just have no control over any of this.

Oh well, maybe all of the above stuff gives you a bit more perspective. There are two sides to any story, you haven't heard her side, but I don't think she'd have issue with anything I've said. I'm pretty sure she's post here if she wanted to repond - I don't have a problem with her reading my posts and she knows I post on CF. It's kind of my territory, so I suspect she wants me to have my privacy, for which I am grateful.

 

[Henaynei]

is she then planning on being a saty-at-home-mom? Is that what she has been up to now??

 

[desi]

Southern Cross, there is a divorce lawyer in Florida who is one of, if not the best. Other lawyers sigh and hang their heads when he enters the court. If your wife has not hired him yet, I suggest you do. I'll have his name and hopefully his contact info for you Tuesday night. Don't do anything til then.

 

[Southern Cross]

No, she will be working, although I don't know when or how. I will be helping with some things (outside of normal child support) until she gets settled and on her feet again. I won't leave her hanging out to dry.

She was a stay-at-home mom throughout most of our marriage. I was always blessed to have a job that provided for our needs (nice home, homeschooling the kids, etc.) Life will change dramatically for all of us. But there is no way I can provide enough money to support this lifestyle for my family if we will not be married and living together. So she will need to start a career, and she's looking for opportunities now.

 

[heartnsoul]

Southern Cross, I am sorry to hear what is happening. I know you must be feeling so many emotions for yourself and your kids. I do want to mention a few positive things that I see right now even amidst all the chaos going on...

I think you have a great attitude and have been doing an excellent job handling all this stress during this difficult time. I think it's awesome that you have stayed close to God and maintained your relationship with Him. Your loyalty to God will be a great source of encouragement and witness to your children. Just that alone will yield immeasurable blessings for you and for them in the future!

So while I know it's hard to focus on the "good" things right now with all the bad things happening...I just wanted to remind you that God is there for you and He will comfort you as you go through these troubled times. Your loyalty will not go unnoticed by others and especially by our Heavenly Father. I will keep you in my prayers.