It's hard to believe we were made for God, when, by the nature we inherited from Adam and Eve, God is the last thing we want.
I am finding it seemingly impossible to want to repent and give control of my life over to God. Maybe I misunderstand both of these concepts. But here's how it will go with me: I will decide now is the time to repent. Now I'm going to repent. So I try to repent and ask God/Jesus to "take me," as in take control of my life.
Simultaneously, and/or immediately after this, a variety of things may happen. One is, I get an accusation that I'm fake. Another is I get an impression that to truly repent and let God do what He wants with me, is the last thing I want: no way do I want to let go of self and let someone else rule me! These accusations/impressions may be coming from Satan, but my own internal nature may be in agreement with them.
So, I'm wondering if, in all my attempted dealings with God, I am really just clinging to self, and trying to work my own religious experiences to fool myself to thinking I am interacting with God when they're really just my fantasy/imagination and I am clinging to self tightly in heart, at all costs.
If that is the case, then it looks like my addiction/clinging to self is so foundational that I "cannot" give it up no matter what. If my self love is that fundamental, such that I will not abandon it for anything, including eternal life, then there is no hope that that can change. You might as well tell me to change myself into a monkey as tell me to let go of self and let God have me.
Is that what God really wants for us? To lie down flat and let Him steam roller over us? Is that what we were made for? If so, then our nature from Adam is so against that, that there is no way somebody like me, at least, could let that happen.
I am finding it seemingly impossible to want to repent and give control of my life over to God. Maybe I misunderstand both of these concepts. But here's how it will go with me: I will decide now is the time to repent. Now I'm going to repent. So I try to repent and ask God/Jesus to "take me," as in take control of my life.
Simultaneously, and/or immediately after this, a variety of things may happen. One is, I get an accusation that I'm fake. Another is I get an impression that to truly repent and let God do what He wants with me, is the last thing I want: no way do I want to let go of self and let someone else rule me! These accusations/impressions may be coming from Satan, but my own internal nature may be in agreement with them.
So, I'm wondering if, in all my attempted dealings with God, I am really just clinging to self, and trying to work my own religious experiences to fool myself to thinking I am interacting with God when they're really just my fantasy/imagination and I am clinging to self tightly in heart, at all costs.
If that is the case, then it looks like my addiction/clinging to self is so foundational that I "cannot" give it up no matter what. If my self love is that fundamental, such that I will not abandon it for anything, including eternal life, then there is no hope that that can change. You might as well tell me to change myself into a monkey as tell me to let go of self and let God have me.
Is that what God really wants for us? To lie down flat and let Him steam roller over us? Is that what we were made for? If so, then our nature from Adam is so against that, that there is no way somebody like me, at least, could let that happen.