It's been awhile (contains triggers)

[tallyn75]

I've had 2 years of stability and recently a wrench got thrown into the works. Not sure what specifically, perhaps just all the stress wadded up in a tight ball. For the last three months or so, I've been cycling like crazy. It's roughly that old pattern too: One week manic, Two weeks depressed, and one to two weeks level. I've managed to stay out of the psych hospital, but just barely it would seem --just briefly bordering on the edges of loosing reality on both poles.

PDoc has been trying to find new med combinations but it's been a struggle. I've been on lithium for roughly 4 years and he added Depokote to it a couple months ago, but it upset my stomach something awful. So last month he added Lamictal instead. And that takes awhile to ramp up. I'm only on the 50mg at the moment and probably will have to get to 200mg before re-evaluating. So far I haven't noticed any difference.

At the moment I am feeling rather low. I'm not suicidal atm It's 3:30 in the morning, I should be asleep, but can't seem to get there. The whole house is asleep, even my cat, but not me. I'm supposed to be getting up in 4 hours.

The one thing about bipolar that gets me, is how it can alter ones beliefs and way of thinking. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Just let go and let God" or "Suicide is permanent solution to a temporary problem" or "Suicide is a very selfish act" But the truth of the matter is that someone who is suicidal "isn't in their right mind." I usually can't tell where God is in order to "let Him"; I can't work out alternative solutions because the emotional pain is so great, I can't hardly put two coherent words together; and the thoughts that do go together is that me being alive is more burdensome than my death would be. And it is at that point that I would start looking for a plan. Later when I have survived either through intervention of somebody or somehow by Somebody, I reflect on these times. I remember the emotions and feelings quite intensely sometimes so much that I can still feel the pain of it, but I can't seem to fathom the thought processes (and recalling manic episodes bring nothing to mind except for a package of chaos and bad choices wrapped in either pretty 3-D paper or angry sandpaper). I mean how could I ever step that close to the edge and even step over. I can then see so clearly the pain I caused in my attempts --separation from a loved one has got to be among the worst emotional pain there is. But perhaps the pain of severe depression centers around the separation (whether real or not) the depressed person feels.

Reflection causes me to worry and perhaps border on panic. What about next time? My thoughts tumble over one another. One "what if" after the next. What if next time no one is able to rescues me (of course these thoughts never present themselves so clearly when I need them most) from the monster within. What if I reach for pills with no resistance and no one to tie my hands? What if I ruin my marriage and my bank account following "Jehovah's orders"? If I have a life left, how will I ever pick up the pieces? Usually, when someone is plagued by the "what ifs" the standard advice is why worry about things that may never happen. But what do you do when the scenarios I mentioned tend to be the norm rather than the exception (and especially so with Bipolar I), and they're not just scenarios. I've been strongly drawn down these paths, sometimes just barely escaping going all the way. I've even had "visions" or maybe they were hallucinations of me actually committing such atrocious things, it'd make you sick --it does me. And sadly what sometimes scares me more than this, is the thought (which sometimes crosses over into paranoia) that one of these days "they're" going to lock me up permanently.

(sigh)

It's now nearly 4:30am, I suppose I should try again to get some rest at least. I've been listening to Seabird's "Don't You Know You're Beautiful" YouTube - Seabird - Don't You Know You're Beautiful (Slideshow With... I'm trying to get it to sink in. I've been told that countless times by people in my life and other nice complements as well. Don't know if I ever fully believe them. Even promises in God's Word, I know that He doesn't lie, but I can't quite accept them either. Besides, I'm turning 35 this year, and physically I feel like I'm 70 --falling apart like something out of a horror movie. Of course that's what happens when you go through 6 years of either not caring enough to take care of yourself or being too preoccupied to do so.

Guess I'll get off here for now. Thanks for letting me sound off about some things.

--Tallyn

 

[Alive again]

Tallyn, It is so good to hear from you again. We have had some old friends showing back up around the forum again. I just got home fro, a long AND TIRING W/E away. Can't even type straight right now. but am saying a prayer for you and thankful to hear from you again. Know owe do understand and care!

 

[tallyn75]

I re-read what I wrote just over a week ago and it seems foreign to me.

Alive Again, Thank you for your ready response and your prayers. Both are greatly appreciated.

For the last few months I've been cycling really fast with hardly any time being level. For the past five days I've been manic (actually the doctor informed me that I'm mixed), and most-likely he's right, i hardly ever can see mixed symptoms by myself. Well my doctor's appointment was Wednesday (it was the first time he'd seen me manic as I've only been seeing him for about 4-6 months). Well in retrospect, I made a fool of myself. I was up to here in giddyness, even to the point of being flirtatious (of course I was being extra chatty with people family as well as strangers). Well as you might guess, the doctor prescribed a "strait jacket in a bottle"...no, not Thorazine or Haldol, but one that worked well enough. Zyprexa. I has been quite the experience. Physically it has done the job of keeping me from being active from talking much, eating much (probably not intended), or internet much. Mostly keeps me off my feet as muscle weakness is a major effect of the medicine. What it has not done is slow down thought, it has done little for hallucinations. Now it is much more apparent that it is a mixed episode as the hallucinations bounce back and forth and simultaneously of pleasant and not so pleasant things. (thank goodness for spell check as you'd have absolutely no Idea what I was saying, perhaps you don't anyways). But I feel like 3CPO from Star Wars when I walk or do anything. I tried to make macaroni and cheese today, and hardly had the strength to stir it. It really feels like someone hit the mute button, but all the action in my head is still going. Now, it's starting to sound like whining, I'll stop. I guess the Zyprexa has allowed me to gain insight into my actions and ways of thinking, but it also seems over done. But perhaps if it was any lighter it really wouldn't be putting the brakes on things. But I'm going to call the doctor to see if there is any better alternative. The patience of those around me is beginning to grow thin. I'm gonna quit here as my fingers are very tired and the "back space" is tired also. My apologies if this is incoherent and lengthy, I cannot even think well enough to figure out where the paragragh breaks should be.

 

[tallyn75]

Well I did attempt to reach the doctor, but didn't hear from him that day, got irritated and quit all my meds and didn't return my doctor's calls when he did call over the next couple days. Had myself a fine little trip into Candyland. Now I'm paying the piper. Got some financial snags to work out and my sister-in-law actually thought I was on something. :-/ Now the pendulum is beginning to sway the other direction. I fear. And it seems I can't get away from the "mixed" part. Before It was mixed mania, now it's mixed depression. I have tons of energy but I'm quite sad and depressed too. And that energy is transfered into a ball of anger, bitterness, and resentment. I hate bipolar. Like I said elsewhere, it's like a monster within me and I barely have any control over it. One of these times, it will escape, and it will devour all I love and hold dear. Then "they" will lock me up and never let me go. That is THE FEAR. As irrational as that may be these day, it is there nonetheless.

For the moment, I only wish I could sleep and escape for awhile.

 

[Alive again]

Hi Tallyn, Praying for you again today! You have been on quite a ride. I do hate some of the side effects of the meds. Please get back in touch with your doc and tell him what has happened and what you did with the meds. Yes, docs are human, but they do know this illness is impacting your behavior and choices and a good one will cont to help you. Mixed depression is a very unsafe place to be my friend, take great care! I am so glad you are coming here!!! Praying!!!!

 

[tallyn75]

Thanks for listening and praying.

I have never felt quite like this before. I am so angry at everything and even nothing. I feel so low that even low feels up, and yet I tend to lash out at those around me trying to help. Even sleep and my dreams seem to have a vendetta against me. My doctor's appointment is Monday, but I'm scared to death to go (and that's not much of an expression). I'm pretty sure I know the outcome and I just can't do this. Even if it's only a couple weeks and not forever (my ever present irrational-seems rational fear), I can't do this cycling. And all that's coming to mind is morbid expresssions. My husband wants me to come to bed and try to sleep. So I guess I'll try. Why is it that nighttime seems so much harder? Guess I've ranted and complained enough for now. :-S

 

[believer419]

Tallyn,
I'm praying for you.. You say that you haven't felt quite like this before.. I'm sorry this time is so hard to handle!!
I will be praying for your appointment..
I understand the feeling of dreading everything you think is to come.. those are the times I try to push against everything in my mind and scream out to Jesus...although sometimes i feel like i just can't do it, and know how much other peoples' prayers can mean, so I will pray for strength for you, for peace and breakthrough..

You can do all things through Christ!!

Kaytee x

 

[tallyn75]

Wow, so this is part of what the ECTs made me forget (Had them Dec2009-Jan2010). The ECTs were of some benefit but they also caused me to hyper cycle so they were discontinued and in March 2010 (I think) I went back on Lithium. Lithium doesn't fix it all, but it does fix rapid cycling for me. I recently discovered (re-learned) just how badly I messed things up the summer I discussed in the posts above. It's like I woke up, and horrifically realized, hey, I'm not supposed to be doing this. Took me a couple more months to fully extract myself from it.

I want to stop right here and thank you guys for your prayers and support. They are a comfort to me and greatly appreciated.

Alive Again, As I've gone back over all my posts on the boards over the years, your name has come up again and again. You've reached out to me time and time again. That means a lot to me, thank you!

Where am I now, well I had to go off meds for a couple months due to lack of insurance and money. My husband lost his job. He found a new one (better in some respects) and I got back on meds about a month ago. It's caused a bit of instability. And I think I probably overdid my celebrating the New Year. The January 3rd and 4th depression had me securely in its paws. Yesterday, the 5th, I was up and down all day. And today/last night I haven't slept. I see the doctor here in 4 hours, so we'll see how that goes.

But I'm glad I read back over these posts. I'm not that bad...yet

 

[Alive again]

Hugs and prayers, may God's grace and mercy to yourself overwhelm you during this time. May you and your doctors have wisdom!

 

[tallyn75]

Doc said my hypothyroidism was back based on tests done before I restarted the lithium and lithium make it worse. So he put me on meds for that. He upped the lithium for the depressive episode. Then he addded Trazadone (he wasn't happy to learn I've only been getting about 4 hours sleep a night and none last night).

So what did I do all night? Well, backstory, when I was 14 and in jr high, there was a particular youth leader at our church in Kansas whom I fancied, not as a crush, but someone I looked up to. He was only 19 but had a contagious enthusiasm for God and really communicated on my level. A year later he went awhile to college (communication major) then off to Seminary and I moved away to Oklahoma.

Well recently I've caught up with him, friended him on facebook, haven't really talked, he's got his hands quite full these days. Turns out that he's a pastor now in Kansas...a multisite church. He preaches to 8 different interconnected churches in 7 different towns in Kansas via internet. He's an amazing guy (did I tell you, he's 6'5" tall, 250lb guy with size 18 shoes? oh and he's color blind.) and he's got a wife and two boys. Anyways, his sermons are available online.

His name is Andy Addis, his church is CrossPoint (Home) and his sermons are here and worth the listen (CrossPoint Church on Vimeo) and my favorite is here; it focuses on Joseph, Jesus' step dad (CrossPoint Church on Vimeo) you don't often hear sermons on Joseph.

So back to what I did. I listened to sermons, I listened to a miscellany of music, and I cried alot. Yep, that about sums it up. Hope I can sleep tonight.

 

[Alive again]

So glad to hear it is something easy to treat like hypothyroidism, relatively easy to treat and able to be checked by blood. It is amazing what a little hormone can effect. May you rest in your Abba Father's arms tonight!