Hi, newbie here. Today at church one of the worship songs was "It is Well" (hope you are familiar with it) I was an embarassing wreck from the first note to the last. You see I lost my fiance' last month after her 15 month battle with cancer. She was my soulmate, my heart, my partner, my joy. She was too young to die to this horrible disease. I have been lost without her, feeling old and hollow and not very useful. Oh, I have kept myself busy..everyday there is some new chore or book to read or baseball game to go to...but without my heart it all seems meaningless. Work, which used hold great importance, now just fills the days. Weekends are long and lonely. I know grieving is a process (I have been here before with the death of my dad and divorce). This seems different to me - deeper and darker. My faith is being tested, not to say God is testing me, but remembering where blessings come from is difficult. I start each day, while laying in bed, with a prayer asking God to help me make it to the evening and for Him to be with me, only then can I force myself to get up and move. I don't think I have hit the bottom of this pit yet. Today when I was asked if I would consider nomination as a deacon I had no one to share the joy and honor I felt because my partner is not here ( I could not accept at this time because I need to heal some first and to strengthen my faith). So when they sang "It Is Well. With My Soul. " which was sung at her funeral all I could do was cry.
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It Is Well
- Thread starter RogerVW
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Rememberme
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- Feb 4, 2012
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Hello RogerVW, I am sorry you had to come here.I am sorry for the loss of your dear fiance and that she suffered from that awful thing called cancer.My DH suffered too from cancer.To put it in a nice way CANCER STINKS!
I am familiar with the song "It is well" I don't know if you know the story of that old hymn.He composed that song after he lost his whole family to a catastrophe out at sea.If you can imagine that.The tears that you shed did touch a very deep place in your heart.It is okay to cry you have lost a precious one very dear and it is deeper than those other deaths we have experienced.You are not only grieving your loss but the loss of all the bright future you had planned.I liken the grief to feeling like you are dragging ten Red tree logs behind you.No purpose, no energy.Not saying the Lord has not been with me.I am at almost 11 months coming up in four more days.I wish I could encourage you to be honest, I can't.All I know is at this point I am so tired of this grief so I am going to seek the Lord more on getting to a different place with it.It is to heavy to carry ourselves.I don't believe the Lord tests you with evil so I am pursuing Him in this.He did say he carried our grief and our sorrow.I don't think we were designed to carry this.It is to heavy to burdensome.So I hope to come in here with a good report of His amazing help in time of need.
I wish you congratulations on your nomination as a deacon.You must be a very honorable man to receive such a request.I think in heaven our love ones know the good things that happen in our lives and your fiance is rejoicing also.
I am sorry if I was not much help.I do understand your pain though.No words to express the HUGE hole in your heart.This I do know.WE do have a Savior that was touched with the feelings of our infirmities .So He knows too.Your dear finance will ALWAYS hold a special place in you heart.May she be remembered forever.Be patient and kind to yourself during this time.
Lovingly in Christ
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I love that hymn, and it makes it more meaningful when I learned the story of the hymn writer. My husband died of leukemia. I found it very healing to cry and I often did in church. I was very blessed to be part of a small, close church and so I felt quite free to cry and I did not have to explain to anyone why I was doing it. I am sorry your grief is so raw and the loneliness so keen.
God does not want us to be alone. It is exciting that you have been asked to be nominated as a deacon. Perhaps this will provide an opportunity for service that will mean you develop many friendships with others so you can have good friends to share news with in the future.
God does not want us to be alone. It is exciting that you have been asked to be nominated as a deacon. Perhaps this will provide an opportunity for service that will mean you develop many friendships with others so you can have good friends to share news with in the future.
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Hi, Roger. I am new here, too. This is my first post. I want to offer you some comfort. No, it will never be the same but it will be better with time. You have a huge hole inside and have lost something good and precious, yet you really haven't lost everything. The time you spent together is still there, the feelings, the memories, the way she affected and changed your life. Still there. Your time here together had a limit but it is not gone. It will take a long time, a long time, to adjust. You are changed but you are still here. My best advice is to stay busy, put in your time, help others when you can, pray and invest in your faith. After a while, there will be more good remembered than bad and you life will change and change again and it will be better than now. I am widowed 7 years and I often think of him and I treasure the time we shared. I also treasure my life now. Bless you. Keep the faith.
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My goal, when I am strong enough, is to sing that hymn in church and mean it. I think I will be able to feel the Lord's hand upon me. I hope that doesn't sound selfish..it may take me a year or longer to get to that point.
I was wondering if you do anything to keep those loving memories fresh? I am already struggle to remember some of the little details of our life together..for instance the feel of her head resting against my chest ..it was so special to me but the memory of how it felt is fading and it makes me so sad. I have read and reread and rereread all the cards and notes she gave me...they are so important, like lifelines to her, they help my weak mind and heavy heart. I encourage anyone who will listen now to send cards, write notes, give flowers, get gifts do every little thing you can to make your spouse, kids, partner, and family feel special and loved..and especially tell them over and over that you love them because we are not guarenteed tomorrow.
I was wondering if you do anything to keep those loving memories fresh? I am already struggle to remember some of the little details of our life together..for instance the feel of her head resting against my chest ..it was so special to me but the memory of how it felt is fading and it makes me so sad. I have read and reread and rereread all the cards and notes she gave me...they are so important, like lifelines to her, they help my weak mind and heavy heart. I encourage anyone who will listen now to send cards, write notes, give flowers, get gifts do every little thing you can to make your spouse, kids, partner, and family feel special and loved..and especially tell them over and over that you love them because we are not guarenteed tomorrow.
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Have you read A grief Observed by C S Lewis? He mentioned what you talk about and I can also relate to: that we have a sense that we are not able to hold the memory true to the the real person.
"All reality is iconoclastic. The earthly beloved, even in this life, incessantly triumphs over your mere idea of her. And you want her to; you want her with all her resistances, all her faults, all her unexpectedness. That is, her foursquare and independent reality. And this, not any image or memory, is what we are to love still, after she is dead.. .
. . .Not my idea of H., but H. Yes, and also not my idea of my neighbour, but my neighbour. For don’t we often make this mistake as regards people who are still alive – who are with us in the same room. Talking and acting not to the man himself but to the picture – almost the precis – we’ve made of him in our own minds."
The only comfort I find is that God knows and holds all these memories true. The resurrection hope is very dear to me.
"All reality is iconoclastic. The earthly beloved, even in this life, incessantly triumphs over your mere idea of her. And you want her to; you want her with all her resistances, all her faults, all her unexpectedness. That is, her foursquare and independent reality. And this, not any image or memory, is what we are to love still, after she is dead.. .
. . .Not my idea of H., but H. Yes, and also not my idea of my neighbour, but my neighbour. For don’t we often make this mistake as regards people who are still alive – who are with us in the same room. Talking and acting not to the man himself but to the picture – almost the precis – we’ve made of him in our own minds."
The only comfort I find is that God knows and holds all these memories true. The resurrection hope is very dear to me.
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No, I didn't do anything in particular to hang on to the memories. Like you, at first I indulged. His requested song was "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" and I remember playing it over and over a few different days and crying. Then I just sort of lost the desire to do that.
I think when it first happens, a kind of bubble settles over you to protect you from the worst. You feel numb sometimes. After a while, it comes back more real. What I mean to say is you are not losing the memory. It is getting dulled, maybe, like a protection. The memories pop up all the time for me. They are not gone. But they don't hurt as much. Sometimes they don't hurt at all.
Today, I had one. We are having a drought and I was picking up fallen tree limbs. I found a bullet casing and it brought back a memory. My son and his friend were target shooting. Hubby went out, fired one shot, bull's eye, and told them, "Expert," and came back into the house. We laughed together. Today I remembered that little moment and today I smiled.
You will remember bad things, too, arguments you had. Even if hubby was wrong and I was angry then. I remember and there is no anger. It is just something that happened.
So - in my opinion - rereading, remembering, you are hanging on, and that is okay. It is still very fresh. You won't lose the memories. They will be back. They are part of your life.
Peace to you. I hope you get through today, and tomorrow, and you will. Within a year the memories will be more comfort than reminder.
I don't know everything about this, I just know how it was for me.
I think when it first happens, a kind of bubble settles over you to protect you from the worst. You feel numb sometimes. After a while, it comes back more real. What I mean to say is you are not losing the memory. It is getting dulled, maybe, like a protection. The memories pop up all the time for me. They are not gone. But they don't hurt as much. Sometimes they don't hurt at all.
Today, I had one. We are having a drought and I was picking up fallen tree limbs. I found a bullet casing and it brought back a memory. My son and his friend were target shooting. Hubby went out, fired one shot, bull's eye, and told them, "Expert," and came back into the house. We laughed together. Today I remembered that little moment and today I smiled.
You will remember bad things, too, arguments you had. Even if hubby was wrong and I was angry then. I remember and there is no anger. It is just something that happened.
So - in my opinion - rereading, remembering, you are hanging on, and that is okay. It is still very fresh. You won't lose the memories. They will be back. They are part of your life.
Peace to you. I hope you get through today, and tomorrow, and you will. Within a year the memories will be more comfort than reminder.
I don't know everything about this, I just know how it was for me.
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Maggie, thanks for sharing that memory it brought a smile to me. I was encouraged to think that one day (soon?) I will be able to remember something so simple and sweet and smile all by myself. I did have a good morning one day last week because I woke up from a dream in which my beloved and I were in a row boat and she was leaning back on me..when I woke I could still feel her on my chest. I have struggled with the fights we had, the unkind things said and hurt feelings. I DO hope those memories will fade fast. I also had to know that she knew how much I loved her (did I say it enough?, did I show it enough?). I guess I needed to know that I loved her as well as she did me, validation
BigMomma, I have not read C.S. Lewis, looks like it would be over my head frankly, but I do think that God created me with all these flaws, like a poor memory, for a reason and maybe that was to protect me?? Just a thought.
Thanks to all for prayers, kind words and advice but mostly to have an outlet for all these thoughts and fears.
Yours in Christ.
BigMomma, I have not read C.S. Lewis, looks like it would be over my head frankly, but I do think that God created me with all these flaws, like a poor memory, for a reason and maybe that was to protect me?? Just a thought.
Thanks to all for prayers, kind words and advice but mostly to have an outlet for all these thoughts and fears.
Yours in Christ.
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For that first year, I found many memories faded and disappeared...even ones that had nothing to do with my husband...like I couldn't remember the name of my best friend from high school. The ones that did stick around were the hard ones...memories of the hospital and the pain and the loss. However, after a year (and please note that there is nothing magically about that one year mark...this is just when I noticed this), the memories started coming back and they were the happy ones...the ones where he was smiling and laughing and not in pain. Those are the memories that are my primary memories at 3 1/2 years...and no, I don't have to do anything to retain them...they are just a part of who I am. I believe the "memory" loss period was more a protective mode my body went into for that first year...something to help me survive and not drowned in the memories.
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Hi Roger,
32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”
Christ knew he would raise him yet he cried. He cried because he shared the pain of those that suffered for the loss of Lazarus. Christ has empathy for us and so do we all. We share your pain but also share our love.
I believe the "memory" loss period was more a protective mode my body went into for that first year...something to help me survive and not drowned in the memories."-Very much agree.
32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.
35 Jesus wept.
36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”
37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”
Christ knew he would raise him yet he cried. He cried because he shared the pain of those that suffered for the loss of Lazarus. Christ has empathy for us and so do we all. We share your pain but also share our love.
I believe the "memory" loss period was more a protective mode my body went into for that first year...something to help me survive and not drowned in the memories."-Very much agree.
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ThyLovingkindness
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Hi Roger, sorry I read (with interest) your thread so late. I love that song, "It is Well With my Soul." I have a hunch that Good things are in store for you; and by the way, I'm a widow who's been through it and has come out the other side. You're gonna be OK.
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Thanks for the reassurance "Kindness" and sharing your hunch. I pray you are right and that I have the courage and wisdom to recognize when God answers my prayers. Mostly these days I pray for peace in my heart ( I don't wish so much to understand as I once thought).
This week is my beloved's birthday..it is all I can think of and it makes me so sad. I would like to acknowledge her birthday in some way but can't think of anything appropriate. Any suggestions or anecdotes would be appreciated.
This week is my beloved's birthday..it is all I can think of and it makes me so sad. I would like to acknowledge her birthday in some way but can't think of anything appropriate. Any suggestions or anecdotes would be appreciated.
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ThyLovingkindness
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For my late-hubby's birthday, I'd buy flowers and place them on his niche in the mausoleum where he's at. I'd sit with him and pray to God whatever's on my heart. Do you like to write? The reason I ask is that if inclined, you might write your thoughts and feelings down with regard to your late-loved one, and share them with the Lord at her grave site, or where ever she happens to be, on that day. Are there particular scriptures that you and she liked? You might include such. Consider taking the entire day to pray and even celebrate with close friends/family. Just remember... go easy on yourself. Anniversary dates such as these can be challenging for some of us. God bless!
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Good ideas. I do think I will take some roses to put on her grave and say a few prayers. I'm not so good at the talking part but I do like to write. I have left many letters and cards..it seems to help me. And finding scripture to add would be a great investment of time. Thanks
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Well I did get a dozen roses and wrote a letter to leave graveside...it was a tough tough day. I turned off my phone and went out in the woods where I knew I wouldn't be bothered. Wish I could say it made things easier or better or something , it was just sad and seems to have put me into a funk I can't get out of. I know it's only been 3 months but at times it is still so overwhelming, and lonely. I don't know how some of you have made it so long?
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Rememberme
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RogerVW, Sorry this forum is slow.....I know how rough that is.It seems those things we do can throw you into another funk.Only the Lord can touch that place where it is so painful.I just did the 1 year anniversary of my DH death.Same thing happened to me.I thought I was making progress.All I know to tell you is keep putting one foot in front of the other.If it feels like you are not making progress with it just know you are even though it does not feel like it some days.You will get into the land of the living.I am so sorry.I know the pain.
There is a forum called daily strength.They have a bereavement and w/w forums.It is not christian but there are christians on there. There is a lot of people on the w/w forums and your post will get a reply sooner.They are very supportive.I just read but I may join.
Peace
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I think it is one day at a time.
I did work hard at increasing my social contact with others. Are there Christian singles groups in your area? I don't mean for dating. I mean to meet people. It is so important to have people to talk to, especially face to face.
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I made it this long...one breath at time...and because I wasn't given any other options...
I used to absorb books...since he died, I have only been able to read a handful and most have been about heaven, grief, or death. The only novel was The Shack and that was about heaven, grief, and death...so it makes sense. Ironically, I can also read fairly technical textbooks but I see that as a gift because I have to get through school.
Even the Bible can be hard...but I have discovered www.biblegateway.com where there is an option to have the Bible read to you...and the best part is that the voice of the NIV is my favorite Bible reader. I've been able to absorb books of the Bible by listening....often going to sleep to the Bible and then waking up to it.
I used to absorb books...since he died, I have only been able to read a handful and most have been about heaven, grief, or death. The only novel was The Shack and that was about heaven, grief, and death...so it makes sense. Ironically, I can also read fairly technical textbooks but I see that as a gift because I have to get through school.
Even the Bible can be hard...but I have discovered www.biblegateway.com where there is an option to have the Bible read to you...and the best part is that the voice of the NIV is my favorite Bible reader. I've been able to absorb books of the Bible by listening....often going to sleep to the Bible and then waking up to it.
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My apologies to anyone who got the link I first typed in... I typed "gatewaybible" instead of "biblegateway" and it took you to a less than appropriate site. I did NOT intend to send anyone there and can't apologize enough. It has been fixed in the posting but anyone who was sent an email notification might have gotten the wrong one. Sorry and sorry again.
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