I truly believe the kind of thing you describe is TOTALLY forgivable. You have confessed it and asked forgiveness. Just realize it's OCD talking and move on. I think the Lord knows when we speak something out of frustration, pain etc. As I said, many, many Christians have spoken something like what you said or even much worse as my story below illustrates...
I went back and found this story I shared when I first started coming to this forum about the Lord's great forgiveness. I cut and pasted it here because I think it applies. Here it is
While I don't recommend trying this at home,
I felt the Lord would have me share this story on here about one of my former pastors. I think it puts some
perspective on some of the OCD fears.
Again this is a true story about a former pastor we had. He and his wife lost a baby daughter. She was stillborn. He became very angry at God as a result of this. (He was already a pastor at this time.) He said he would go out in his backyard and shake his fist at God and say to God whatever angry things he could think of to God. He said one specific thing he would say was something like this, "God, why don't you just strike me down and take me to hell right now? Because there's one thing I know I'm gonna like about hell---YOU won't be there!!!
Whoa! That's pretty potent to say to God, no?! Anyway, he said it aggravated him at the time even more, but he felt like God just said back to him in his spirit something like, "Son, you're going to be alright."
Anyway, he got out of the pastorate (obviously!) and went into sales. He had a great personality and was wonderful at it. He was very successful and made tons of money, but within about year if I recall correctly, he had an emotional/nervous breakdown. Fact was, he found he just couldn't live without God after knowing Him. He hit total bottom and was committed to a psychiatric hospital. He repented and admitted to God that he needed him, in fact, had to have Him.
God graciously restored him, even restored him to ministry. And, his wife became pregnant again and gave birth to twins.
Today this man has been in the ministry many years. He is a wonderful preacher and one of the most insightful, sensitive counselors there is around. (I think as a result of this experience.)
Just wanted to share this story with you guys because I think it so obviously illustrates God's love, faithfulness and knowledge of our hearts.
God bless and may you realize God's love and faithfulness to you too today.
I'm glad you are getting some professional help for your OCD battles, amandita. Now just carry on!
