Isn't this basic manners?

[Gnarwhal]

I don't know if this is just a major family difference or more of an ethnic thing, but my wife and her family don't seem to understand the concept that my family plans things, that those plans are set in stone, and that (for example) inviting ones self last minute is considered rude and maybe even offensive.

My mom starts making Thanksgiving plans as far back as September, like who from the family will probably come, whether we'll eat outside or not (we're in California so half the time the weather is nice enough to eat outside), who will bring what, etc. That's just how my mom rolls. She also starts her Christmas shopping in August. We're plan ahead people.

Well my wife told me today that her sister might drive up from SoCal for Thanksgiving with her baby because her boyfriend is trying to pick up some work on Thanksgiving Day. I reminded her that my mom specifically plans out the food so there's enough for the number of guests she's been expecting. The food's already been bought, she's already beginning some of the prep, so if my sister-in-law indeed decides to come it'll be bombshell on my mom. We'll probably have to buy some extra food to contribute just to soften the blow.

My wife just has this attitude with her sister (and her mom) that "oh well [name] is gonna do what she's gonna do." Like she's not going to tell her "hey sorry but they don't have enough room."

Sure maybe it's generous to be inclusive, but my family's inclusive in a lot of other ways and my parents like to be prepared well ahead of time for who will be in their home and how they're going to be taken care of.

Like I know my wife's family doesn't care who shows up for any kind of event whether it's a holiday or just an impromptu barbecue, and I don't know if that's just the way her family is or if it's cultural (she's Hispanic). Mine's not like that, nor are my extended family or any of my friends growing up for that matter (which is why I kinda assume it's cultural).

But at some basic level it's rude to invite ones self to something, especially a more formal occasion like a holiday dinner. Right? Do we still believe that in American society?

 

[Diamond72]

But at some basic level it's rude to invite ones self to something, especially a more formal occasion like a holiday dinner. Right? Do we still believe that in American society?

It is rude NOT to invite them. My wife is from the Philippines. When it is time to eat they are happy to feed whoever is there. They would never ever in a billion years send someone away when it is time to eat. That is rude. I guess rich people do things differently than poor people. That is why Jesus tells us: "Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:24, NIV).

 

[JosephZ]

But at some basic level it's rude to invite ones self to something, especially a more formal occasion like a holiday dinner. Right? Do we still believe that in American society?

Thanksgiving is about spending time with family and friends, sharing food, and showing gratitude, not adhering to strict dining etiquette. There should always be room for one more at the table, and the unexpected guest should be graciously welcomed.

 

[Akita Suggagaki]

Gentle Reader,

I like this concern for "basic manners" because, you know what? We have lost sense of them.
They are like virtues that when you practice them they become second nature, no one has to tell you or instruct you.
I always enjoy reading Miss Manners. Miss Manners - Life Advice
It basically comes down to kindness and considering the other person.

 

[RDKirk]

How long have you been married that you haven't come to a mutually agreed status on this?

If you need to buy extra food for your sister-in-law so that everyone can get seconds (your mother planned for anyone who wants seconds to get seconds, right?), then do that.

Yes, inviting oneself to a family event at the very last minute is rude. But, frankly, I think planning the event months in advance so tightly that a couple of days warning can't be accommodated is obsessive. What would your mother do if the weather changed at the last minute?

"Love covers a multitude of sins," and this isn't even a sin. Unless your sister-in-law is a genuinely obnoxious person, her presence is a blessing, not a curse.

 

[Diamond72]

There should always be room for one more at the table

Yes, there should always be room for more. Our house is open to anyone that needs a place to go. There is always plenty of room for everyone. Although my wife said the food cost a lot more this year. We are use to being able to feed fifty or sixty people on fifty or sixty dollars. Only of course people often bring something to contribute.

 

[Michie]

Gen X here. (Hope it’s okay to post). Yeah it’s cultural. Living in a highly populated area with lots of Latinos the motto is usually the more the merrier.

I always make enough food for surprise guests but that’s just me. I understand last minute guests can cause a lot of stress. That’s basically why I just started making plenty food. I plan ahead, decorate as well but understand there can always be a snag in the plans. I just got notice today that 3 of my guests got Covid on top of flu type B. So we’ll be sending pics and dropping off food at the door for them. The rest of us will just carry on as usual. Given the past history of your SIL though, I understand your frustration. But it really does sound like more of a cultural divide between the families more than anything.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

An event like a wedding where there are formal RSVPs because a person-plate count has to be given to a third party? Yeah, it’s rude to bring people that haven’t RSVPd.

A family dinner event during a holiday? No. Not rude to ask/plan on bringing a reasonable number of close friends/extended family. I’d call ahead as a courtesy to say person X’s plans fell through and we’d like to invite them, and I’d expect the host would say yes especially if it means a baby or child is coming along too.

If there’s some sort of feud or they were specifically excluded or dis-invited, then it would be rude. If it was an extra 10 people, it would be rude. If the person had an extraordinary demand that had to be met by all (like no nuts could be served or everything had to be vegan or no alcohol be present) then it could be rude. If you knew their conduct would be disruptive or abrasive because they don’t know how to behave, then it would be rude.

But a well-behaved family member or close friend with a baby whose husband had to work and they don’t want to be alone? Not rude at all. If it were my family, they would think it ruder to not bring them. My dad would probably get in the car to go pick them up and bring them himself.

Bring extra food if you want. Being a really good hostess gift to thank them. Arrive early to help set up and accommodate the extra people you’re bringing. Make sure the +1 specifically and directly thanks the hostess publicly, privately, and repeatedly. Do the same yourself. Then have fun.