Is this rude?

[Avaya]

My husband doesn't think this is rude, but I do. Yesterday in Sunday School, I sat in my usual seat and he came in after me. There was an empty seat on either side of me and he sat in the one that was further away from me. Yes, far enough away that it was obvious that it was the farthest chair. It hurt my feelings (not to mention that the chair was on the opposite side than he usually sits).

Often after church, he gets up to leave without any thought to whether I'm beside him or not. He just goes his merry way and doesn't wait on me if I get bogged down and left behind. I just think that's the rudest thing ever!

What do you think? Is he insensitive or am I over-sensitive?

 

[heartnsoul]

I think this is a situation that requires both of you to *communicate*. It may be a good idea for both of you to find a time that is convenient to sit down and openly/honestly discuss your feelings. However, to gain his ear, you will need to approach him in a way that doesn't put him on the defensive. Instead of saying *you* statements like..."YOU did this and it's rude". A better way of phrasing it would be, "Honey, I know you love me and you know sometimes I can be too sensitive about things...but when you sat in the furthest chair away from me at church the other day, I felt hurt and neglected because there was another chair closer." Then see what his response is. Hopefully his response will be something like, "Oh I'm sorry dear. I didn't know there was another chair closer or I had ___ on my mind and wasn't thinking,". Or if he gets angry and starts hollering and degrading you, then it may require some marital counseling to deal with whatever hidden anger issues he has.

I don't know your husband so I have to be objective and give him the benefit of the doubt here. I think (in general) people don't wake up every morning with the intention to hurt others. Sometimes people just do things without realizing how it negatively impacts someone else. I know with especially men, men tend to have a lot on their minds and are not wired as *sensitive* as women are. Sometimes it's just a matter of bringing something to their attention.

I've been married over 10 years. Way back when we were first dating, one thing that bothered me was whenever we were out at the mall shopping and had to go to the restrooms, he would go and then wait out in the mall area for me--and I preferred that he wait for me outside of the ladies room. Well, he didn't know so I had to gently tell him what I prefer him to do. So it was no big deal. After I communicated to him and he was made aware of it, he started to wait for me outside the ladies room. So, it was just a simple communication thing.

I will pray for you and hope that your conversation goes well. Whatever you do, don't let things fester and start keeping score. That will only build further resentment in your heart and cause destruction in your marriage. Honesty is the best policy. So go sit down with your hubby and talk it over. Keep us posted. May God prepare both of your hearts for love and communication.

 

[JuneMom]

I completely agree with heartnsoul; sometimes I think my husband can read my mind and I end up disappointed when he doesn't! We also attended an event where he had a lot going on and left me behind, so I told him how much it bothered me. We have learned to always be open with each other and we are both happier with the results!

 

[Nikoel]

I tend to agree with the other ladies. My husband often doesn't realize that I would much rather have him at my side, he looks at these situations as opportunities to branch out and get to know other people...where as I see them as a chance for us to spend tiem with God and each other!

 

[revrobor]

I always prefer to sit next to my wife and to enter and exit with her by my side. I always try to treat her as a lady (coming from an era when we boys were taught to be "gentlemen"), opening doors for her, etc and I would encourage your husband to do the same.

However, having said that, I want to add that if this is the biggest problem you have with your husband then you really don't have a problem. Or is there some other reason you seem to be trying to "make a mountain out of a mole hill?" If your hubby is fulfilling his obligations and responsibilities and satisfies you in every other way then live with it.

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Did you guys get in a fight that morning?

 

[Katydid]

My husband read this and his thoughts is that maybe he is bothered by something that he doesn't want to talk about. Something is on his mind. You need to discuss it with him openly without getting upset with what he says, but I know that in our marriage, this would only happen if my husband was upset with me for some reason. Could you have done or said something that upset him, but not enough to fight over?

 

[mt_joy]

I think it's insensitive and rude, but does he know that's how you feel? Probably not. He's a guy after all and needs to be told straight out what's wrong. Just go talk to him.

Joy
MT Student

 

[someone_else]

this is an intersting topic.

my husband and I dont always sit together at church. we are involved in youth and the youth like to sit at the front. now my husband does not like to sit at the front. i like to sit with my youth at night, so some nights i sit with the youth and he sits with others its ok becasue we have talked about it and are both fine with it and we both know that if for some reasson we want the other to sit with us all we need to do is say 'hey i would realy like it if we sat togther tonight" its the same when we are at youth group we are there to be with the youth not each i guesse its an understanding that we have and i always try and remember to tell him if i plan to sit with the youth. after the service if one of us wants to get up and leave before the other is ready we just tell each other where we are going.

i think its ok to not always sit together but i also think that its something you need to talk about and BOTH be happy with. otherwise it can be rude. if my husband decided not to sit with me and just did it with out telling me he would be or why then i would get upset

 

[Jenna]

I think that people can do things to offend each other without realizing it. My husband likes to walk off without me. He doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, but gets ahead of himself. He says I walk too slow for him. *laughs* But, he doesn't MEAN to hurt my feelings. When I make a gentle comment about wanting to be near him, it usual cures things real fast. Another way is to hold hands........... lol

 

[Yitzchak]

I think that he is acting rude. Put it this way. if the two of you went on a date to a movie and sat across the theater from eachother , would that not be rude?? To go somewhere together as a couple and purposely sit seperately is rude.

With that said. I do think that it is possible that he is not aware of how rude it is and is doing it without thinking anything bad towards you.

There is a book called the five love languages. It talks about how different people perfer different methods of giving and receiving love. It is possibe that you are more sensitive to this type of thing and he is less. It is still rude but just wondering if maybe this particular rudeness bothers you more than it might bother someone else because of your particular temperment.

 

[someone_else]

i dont think you can realy compare going to the movies with going to church/church meeting. the whole purpose of going to the movies is to spend time together so yes you would want to sit together. if you go church/church meeting its a bit diffrent. yeah its rude if you have not talked about it. if you have talked about it and decided together that for one reasson or another you wont sit together than thats ok. yes i go to church with my husband but i go to church to fellowship with others. my husband and i are both the sort of people who love to spend time with friends as a couple and as individuals.

we sit togehter in church most of the time but if i want to sit with my youth group (they are very important to me) than thats ok. they sit at the front and my husband does not like to sit at the front. would it not be rude of my husband to say no you cant sit with them you have to sit with me.

 

[bliz]

Church is not a "date" and to me it doesn't make any difference where my husband or I sit. Often he has to work on Sundays anyway, so I am usually seated alone. But no matter where he is, my focus is on learning and worshiping and neither activity requires that my husband be at my side. In fact, it can be rather distracting when he is.

Clearly your feelings were hurt, and your and your husband need to talk about this and come up with a solution that can make both of you happy... but to me this is a non-issue.

 

[Katydid]

I understand what both Bliz and someone else are saying, but......

From my understanding and my feelings, my husband is supposed to be the spiritual head of our household, if I am made to feel uncomfortable or unsupported when I am at church, how is that leading me? That is leaving me out there on my own. Now, I don't think this is a serious issue, but obviously the seating arrangements are not the usual or she wouldn't be upset by them. My husband even noticed from her post that something was not right. It may not be an issue for some people, but obviously for her it is. It was something that wasn't in the normal routine, the normal routine was broken and her feelings were hurt, and in church no less. This is an issue.

 

[GirlieGirl]

It could have been one of those dumb guy moments. WHen guys are sitting together, they always spread apart - like the closeness would imply too much intimacy or dependency. Maybe he got into guy mode and forgot that his wife won't consider him a girlie man if he sits close to her?

 

[someone_else]

katydid i agree with what you said. in my post i did mention that if it is something that does not normaly happen and has not been talked about then i understand why she was upset. there was an expectation that was not meet

 

[fruitrach]

What do you think? Is he insensitive or am I over-sensitive?

To be honest, probably both.

He's being insensitive in not sitting with you or waiting for you to leave but you're being over-sensitive to it in letting it matter so much.

Communication is important here - you need to tell him why you like him to sit with you and he needs to tell you if he'd like to sit somewhere else this morning. Maybe he finds it easier to focus on God sometimes without his beautiful wife next to him?

But another important thing is for you to think about WHY it matters so much. I used to get really bothered by this - my husband rarely sits with me in church. He's usually playing in the band and doesn't always choose to come and sit in the empty seat I deliberately left for him. I like it now - I get to talk to and sit with other people, our friends, our cell group, some of the families with more children than 2 parents can handle.

Then, after church, we share our experiences in the car on the way home. For example, the other week I held the tiniest baby in my arms during worship and it was the most amazing worship experience - a new perspective on God as Father, cradling me. Dan wasn't there but I was able to tell him about it.

 

[Avaya]

Thanks for all of your replies! To answer some questions, we had not argued that morning. His response to my comment about him sitting where he sat in Sunday School was "I'll sit where I want to sit." Well, touch you! LOLLOL Him walking out without me that day was some weeks ago. I'd be okay I think if he walked out ahead of me and waited at the door, but in that case, he'd walked all the way to the car. He is a very friendly people person. I guess I just need to let him know how I feel about those things without sounding like I'm bossing him. Thanks!

 

[potopaj]

My wife did something similer last Sunday. We were in Bible Study, and she gets up and moves to another table. We were not really fighting, but kinda out of sync with eachother. I thought she moved 'cause she was ticked @ me for some "stupid" reason. I held a grudge for most the day, but figured that was pretty dumb. She let me know that other than her there were no gals @ my table and there was a newcomer she wanted to make feel welcome.

I guess the moral of the story is ask b4 u get ticked. there may be a reason, and it's tough to know what to do right if you don't know you're doing wrong.

just my .o2

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I do not know if he meant anything by it, my hubby has done various things like that. Try to get over it. Get up and go sit by him.