Is This Normal?

[anewday]

Is it normal to feel so anxious around your significant other to feel sick to your stomach and in knots? I'm thinking of reconciling with my husband, but I've started feeling so anxious with worry that its making me sick. I felt this way off and on since we've been married. Since I emotionally separated myself from him at the beginning of the year, I've felt better about a lot of things. This anxious feeling went away as well. Now that I'm considering reconciling, I'm worried about past behaviors happening again.

When we went to therapy a few years ago, our therapist mentioned borderline personality disorder to me while he was out of the room. Now that I've taken a step away from the relationship this past year, I see more and more signs and behaviors of this disorder. I love my husband, just tired of hurting and defending myself all the time.

Even today he lashed out at me, although I thought I was just teasing him. He'll be super nice one minute, then lash out at me the next. We don't have any kids. I would love some but don't want to risk it with him.

If there is a way to stay married with someone with this disorder, I'll try. We've only been married a few years but it feels like much longer....prayers appreciated.

 

[Toro]

Well, first I will address the question of "Is it normal?" with which I would have to answer, no.

To address the rest, I would say your anxiety is based on past. Be it justified or not, it is not for certain what is to come.

Maybe he has changed, maybe he hasn't, but discern that based on what you see today, not what he did before. Im not saying that if the situation is dangerous to yourself that you should stay or go... be safe.

That said, IF you want to have a future with him as you said you do, you must forgive the sins and baggage of the past, to embrace the man he is today.... again, if you are in danger, protect yourself... but IF he truly wants to change and make it work and is not a threat to your safety... the only way to move forward is to focus on what is ahead, not that which is behind.

I will not say you are wrong, Lord knows there are times I snap at my wife. Defending ourselves is a natural reaction. Its what Adam did in the garden after all.

However, IF we want our marriages to be better than what the world offers, the bickering, petty squabbles, even major ones that go too far.... hurting eachother back and forth that just doesnt stop, we must do about the last thibg in our nature, which is to do as Jesus instructed us to do, to forgive others.

While your husband is charged with loving you, as Christ loves the church.... while he may or may not be doing so, that is between him and God.

What is between you and God is how you respect and help your husband (again, provided he isnt over stepping boundries such as physical violence, cheating... which poses a health risk etc.).... that is not to say that you havent helped him, but if he struggles and snaps, especially if he has a disorder, instead of getting defensive (again, understandable and is in our nature to do) try to realize where that comes from and simply love him. IF he needs an outlet to vent, be that outlet (Unless by venting he is physically or emotionally abusive....) the amount of times my wife has allowed me to just go off on a rant.....

Its hard to put down our self and take up that which is good for our spouse, but it is when we care for eachother as one that we can achieve a marriage that goes beyond what the world understands.

Such capabilities are impossible without first seeking Christ in the matter, otherwise it is built on human understanding, human love and human ways, which even with the best of intentions ends in disaster. We must love as Christ loves in order to achieve that which is more than what man can do.

I feel like Im rambling a bit but I do hope at least part of it is helpful. Bananananana.

 

[A_Thinker]

Is it normal to feel so anxious around your significant other to feel sick to your stomach and in knots? I'm thinking of reconciling with my husband, but I've started feeling so anxious with worry that its making me sick. I felt this way off and on since we've been married. Since I emotionally separated myself from him at the beginning of the year, I've felt better about a lot of things. This anxious feeling went away as well. Now that I'm considering reconciling, I'm worried about past behaviors happening again.

When we went to therapy a few years ago, our therapist mentioned borderline personality disorder to me while he was out of the room. Now that I've taken a step away from the relationship this past year, I see more and more signs and behaviors of this disorder. I love my husband, just tired of hurting and defending myself all the time.

Even today he lashed out at me, although I thought I was just teasing him. He'll be super nice one minute, then lash out at me the next. We don't have any kids. I would love some but don't want to risk it with him.

If there is a way to stay married with someone with this disorder, I'll try. We've only been married a few years but it feels like much longer....prayers appreciated.

I can't see anyone launching back into a situation which causes such anxiety. It is quite unhealthy to live with that kind of anxiety ... and it can, ultimately, take years off of your life.

I think that my sign from God, as it were, that reconciliation is the right step for me ... is the cessation of that anxiety.

I would let my husband know that I am willing to work with him ... to do whatever he needs to do ... to get control of his issues, including counseling, and medical attention.

But I would be clear with him that I could not begin living with him again ... until he is in sufficient control ... so as to not make my life a living hell with him. Whatever you do, ... don't make the mistake of having children with him at this point, ... as that will tie you to his behavior for decades to come ... and subject any children to the same hell that you were facing.

I would say to him that its taken me the last year ... just to begin feeling normal again myself ... and that he needs to do what he can ... with my help ... to do what's necessary to preserve that normality.

 

[NerdGirl]

Is it normal to feel so anxious around your significant other to feel sick to your stomach and in knots? I'm thinking of reconciling with my husband, but I've started feeling so anxious with worry that its making me sick. I felt this way off and on since we've been married. Since I emotionally separated myself from him at the beginning of the year, I've felt better about a lot of things. This anxious feeling went away as well. Now that I'm considering reconciling, I'm worried about past behaviors happening again.

When we went to therapy a few years ago, our therapist mentioned borderline personality disorder to me while he was out of the room. Now that I've taken a step away from the relationship this past year, I see more and more signs and behaviors of this disorder. I love my husband, just tired of hurting and defending myself all the time.

Even today he lashed out at me, although I thought I was just teasing him. He'll be super nice one minute, then lash out at me the next. We don't have any kids. I would love some but don't want to risk it with him.

If there is a way to stay married with someone with this disorder, I'll try. We've only been married a few years but it feels like much longer....prayers appreciated.

No, my dear friend, it's not normal. I think you need to stick to your plan, to take some time and space for yourself, and get some healthy perspective on this life and relationship. We can't be expected to see things rationally when we're suffocated and crushed in the midst of the situation.

 

[Rugged Cross]

Even though the situation may seem complex, a simple answer is 'no, it is not normal to feel this way, and I feel you already know this deep down'. If you are seriously considering reconciliation then I would consider getting a counselor involved either a Pastor/Priest/ Minister or a professional outside body. Prayer will help in asking for guidance, but eventually you will to decide, decide on what you feel is truly better for yourself in the long run.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

our therapist mentioned borderline personality disorder He'll be super nice one minute, then lash out at me the next.



We don't have any kids. I would love some but don't want to risk it with him.

If there is a way to stay married with someone with this disorder, I'll try. We've only been married a few years but it feels like much longer....prayers appreciated.

Without some serious work and repentance on his part, the future does not look bright. Actually, it looks very, very dark.

We men are often lacking and need the counseling of a solid Pastor or Elder.

If one is not immediately available my wife often will bust my chops. A man needs to be open and loving when this happens. Humbling but, good for us.

It ain't easy being married to a saint.
But, might help get us into heaven?

1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

M

 

[anewday]

Without some serious work and repentance on his part, the future does not look bright. Actually, it looks very, very dark.

We men are often lacking and need the counseling of a solid Pastor or Elder.

If one is not immediately available my wife often will bust my chops. A man needs to be open and loving when this happens. Humbling but, good for us.

It ain't easy being married to a saint.
But, might help get us into heaven?

1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.

M

Funny, my husband uses the term bust my chops too. Never heard it until he brought it up. I'm too nice (his words) and when I occasionally do bust his chops, he lashes out at me since he can't handle it. He is very reactive, which is scary for me. I'm super sensitive which doesn't help.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I'm still thinking of moving out. He suggested counseling. I don't think counseling will change my mind, but maybe give me clarity on my decision?

I wish I could move to my own place right now, but its too expensive here. I'm trying to hold out for a few more months until our lease is up...continued prayers appreciated about this...

 

[NerdGirl]

All of your posts just ring so true with me. Our situations remain so similar! I'm also very sensitive and I HATE conflict. I try to speak up when something bothers me, but the things I ask my husband to fix, change, etc, almost never get handled, so I've just largely given up at this point. The one time I confronted him in a serious "I'm miserable and thinking about moving out" manner, he acted out in a way that scared me to death, so I've avoided revisiting the topic.

I want to get counseling as well, but for some reason, I want to wait until I've gotten my own place and can have my own space and peace and quiet to get my thoughts and feelings in order. I feel like I can't think or breathe in my home right now. I'm just in auto-pilot survival mode.

I can't afford a regular apartment here, either. I've had to apply for some low-income housing, which I'm not too proud to do. It's not the sort of place I'd choose for myself, but as they say, beggars can't be choosers. And right now, a safe, quiet place is more important to me than luxury.