Is this normal?

[Serenity Now!]

I never thought I'd be in this spot. But, I've decided to get a divorce.

I found out in January that my husband has been having an affair since 2004. He brought her to our home-- to our bed-- and had no problem sleeping in that bed with me night after night. Our 9 year old daughter was burdened with hearing my "husband" on the phone with his girlfriend for over a year. She must have been so confused. There's just been so many lies. He kept a calendar at work counting the times he had sex with her (the man can never remember an important date in my life!)

Anyway... I'm getting a divorce. I know in time I will forgive, but I will never forget. I cannot waste more years with him wondering if he's telling me the truth. I was so blindsided by this. I just had no clue. I trusted him and loved him.

My question-- are my feelings normal?

First of all, I'm on a roller coaster. I'm done with the shock and the hurt. I just want to be out of this house where he spent so much time with her, but I can't until I get a new job where I make more money and can support my daughters and I in a new apartment. People tell me to keep this house-- but I can't. It makes me sick to be here. I don't want any part of it, or any financial gain from it. I just want to walk away from it.

I feel so angry that I did not choose to be put in this situation. I'm so angry that he chose this route and it changed SO many people's lives... it's changed my daughter's lives, their schooling, and my occupation. It's effected my siblings, nephews and neices, our godchild and my stepchild.

Then, there are times where I feel so much strength, independence, courage and faith that God will get me through this.

Then, there are times I feel so desolate and lonely. Will I ever be loved again? Will God grant me a Christian husband? Will I trust again? Is it normal to feel this way so soon?

I hear people in every day situations talking about affairs like they are no big deal. It makes me so sick to my stomache. How do people do that to someone they love?

Yes, I'm in therapy and then some more. I'm just blown away by these feelings. Thanks for listening to me blow off steam.

 

[Redguard]

I think that they're perfectly normal. Continue to pray.

 

[NicelyAged]

Yes, you're feeling normal.

There is life after divorce. It takes time to get over things, but you will. And, there are relationships after divorce. However, unless one spouse moves away and never returns, you can't get completely away from having some form of ongoing communication with the ex. Raising the kids will require that, especially when there's visitation. That won't be easy for you I'm sure.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Yes, those feelings are normal.

His affair does not necessarily affect so many people. If you choose to divorce him over the affair it will affect them for sure. So pause, take a deep breath, count to ten and check yourself before you do anything you can't undo which you may live to regret.

 

[Serenity Now!]

Yes, those feelings are normal.

His affair does not necessarily affect so many people. If you choose to divorce him over the affair it will affect them for sure. So pause, take a deep breath, count to ten and check yourself before you do anything you can't undo which you may live to regret.

His affair has affected SO many people in our lives. People that loved and trusted him because I did. My siblings are so hurt and disgusted.

I've took so many deep breaths, cried some more, went to therapy, and took more deep breaths and prayed.

I'm getting divorced. I will never regret getting away from someone who claimed to love me, but had no qualms bringing another woman into our bed at home. That's not the man I married and loved. That's not a mistake or a screw up. It was a well thought out and covered up affair.

Is it Christian to forgive him? Absolutely, and I will in time. I will not forget.

My father was a pastor for over 30 years. I recently spoke with a divorced woman whom he counseled. Her husband had a drug addiction. She tried for years to get him to commit to their marriage instead of drugs. Finally my dad told her, "He left your marriage along time ago. It's time to get a divorce." That's how I feel, and I know my father would give me the same advice if he were alive. My husband left me a long time ago for another woman. I'm not going to stick around and get my heart stomped on again. Our marriage counselor who is a pastor told me I need to start protecting myself, and that's what I'm going to do.

So, I should stay with this jerk so no one's lives are disrupted anymore than they already have been? Consquences have actions. He started this chain reaction. I'm ending it so that my children have a stable environment to live in. They don't need to hear my "husband" having phone sex with his girlfriend.

Sorry, if I sound harsh.

 

[tizherself]

I never thought I'd be in this spot. But, I've decided to get a divorce.

I found out in January that my husband has been having an affair since 2004. He brought her to our home-- to our bed-- and had no problem sleeping in that bed with me night after night. Our 9 year old daughter was burdened with hearing my "husband" on the phone with his girlfriend for over a year. She must have been so confused. There's just been so many lies. He kept a calendar at work counting the times he had sex with her (the man can never remember an important date in my life!)

Anyway... I'm getting a divorce. I know in time I will forgive, but I will never forget. I cannot waste more years with him wondering if he's telling me the truth. I was so blindsided by this. I just had no clue. I trusted him and loved him.

My question-- are my feelings normal?

First of all, I'm on a roller coaster. I'm done with the shock and the hurt. I just want to be out of this house where he spent so much time with her, but I can't until I get a new job where I make more money and can support my daughters and I in a new apartment. People tell me to keep this house-- but I can't. It makes me sick to be here. I don't want any part of it, or any financial gain from it. I just want to walk away from it.

I feel so angry that I did not choose to be put in this situation. I'm so angry that he chose this route and it changed SO many people's lives... it's changed my daughter's lives, their schooling, and my occupation. It's effected my siblings, nephews and neices, our godchild and my stepchild.

Then, there are times where I feel so much strength, independence, courage and faith that God will get me through this.

Then, there are times I feel so desolate and lonely. Will I ever be loved again? Will God grant me a Christian husband? Will I trust again? Is it normal to feel this way so soon?

I hear people in every day situations talking about affairs like they are no big deal. It makes me so sick to my stomache. How do people do that to someone they love?

Yes, I'm in therapy and then some more. I'm just blown away by these feelings. Thanks for listening to me blow off steam.

Wow, I feel like I'm reading my own entry. I am so sorry about what you're going through. I'm going through it myself right now. It is scary to go out on your own - to leave the life you knew and thought you were going to be happy in behind and start out again with a heavy heart and half of your financial resources. I found myself quoting Phillipians 4:5-7 and Jeremiah 29:11-24 over and over again. God will not abandon you, I wish I could remember the scripture about God leaning close to the broken hearted, maybe someone else out there could help out on that... Your feelings are NOT unusual, I felt the same way about leaving anything "soiled" by the adultery behind. Get involved in your church family and keep your daughters focused there too. I am praying for healing for you!! Please feel free to send me a message. It would be comforting to have someone else to walk thru this valley with. God bless.

 

[Autumnleaf]

His affair has affected SO many people in our lives. People that loved and trusted him because I did. My siblings are so hurt and disgusted.

I've took so many deep breaths, cried some more, went to therapy, and took more deep breaths and prayed.

I'm getting divorced. I will never regret getting away from someone who claimed to love me, but had no qualms bringing another woman into our bed at home. That's not the man I married and loved. That's not a mistake or a screw up. It was a well thought out and covered up affair.

Is it Christian to forgive him? Absolutely, and I will in time. I will not forget.

My father was a pastor for over 30 years. I recently spoke with a divorced woman whom he counseled. Her husband had a drug addiction. She tried for years to get him to commit to their marriage instead of drugs. Finally my dad told her, "He left your marriage along time ago. It's time to get a divorce." That's how I feel, and I know my father would give me the same advice if he were alive. My husband left me a long time ago for another woman. I'm not going to stick around and get my heart stomped on again. Our marriage counselor who is a pastor told me I need to start protecting myself, and that's what I'm going to do.

So, I should stay with this jerk so no one's lives are disrupted anymore than they already have been? Consquences have actions. He started this chain reaction. I'm ending it so that my children have a stable environment to live in. They don't need to hear my "husband" having phone sex with his girlfriend.

Sorry, if I sound harsh.

You have every right to be upset. What he did was bad and he was wrong to do it. I'm not sure if wrecking the marriage will create a more stable environment for your children to live in.

What does your husband have to say for himself, his actions, and what he wants for his family? Running him down and divorcing him might feel good just like Jesus calling down a legion of angels to slaughter the Roman soldiers might have given him some satisfaction. Slow down and look at all your options before you commit yourself. Sometimes when people are sincerely sorry, forgiving them and giving them another chance when they don't deserve it will make them a greater ally than they every would be otherwise.

 

[OakeyAngel]

Is your husband a Christian? Just wondering.

 

[Serenity Now!]

I don't know if my husband is a Christian. He went to church with us only once in a while. He said he was a believer.

I caught him in more lies yesterday. He's still not telling the truth.

What does he have to say for himself? He has a myriad of excuses-- one day it is alcoholism, another day it is a "sex problem." It's never the same excuse.

He already wrecked our marriage. I didn't. He left me, I didn't leave him. I was faithful, he wasn't. My daughter heard him on the phone with his girlfriend many many times!! He had sex in our marriage bed with another woman and had no guilt (and still has no guilt) about sleeping with me in that same bed!

I feel confident in my decision. I've talked it over with my Pastor, my brother in law who is a pastor, and our marriage counselor who is also a pastor. Our marriage counselor is very much against divorce. If he is advising me to go protect myself and that it's most likely that "husband" is lying about 20 more things than I know about, than I trust that the instinct God gave me is tuned in well.

 

[John 15:13]

All of the anger and the pain drove me into the presence of God. I wandered around lost for many months before my deployment to Iraq. I won't even begin to go into the stunts I pulled while there. I went through some times where I thought God hated me and so this was His way of making life miserable for me. I figured that maybe He wanted me dead so I even tried to help Him out a few times. So after a year in Iraq, and months of separation, I'm still here.

I finally made it to the throne of God. Know what He told me? Yer not gonna believe this.

He told me that He wanted me to stand for what was right. He told me that Jesus died for me and even prayed for me as I put the nails into his hands on that cross. He told me that He loved me even though it ripped His heart to pieces to see me so stupid as to commit adultery with this world that I live in. He reminded me that many times in my life, I strayed from Him and had gone out being a tramp with this world.

He told me that His plan for my life was to cause me to be like Him.

What did I get in return? The unoffendable heart of Jesus. It was the gift that He gave me when I told Him that I would do as He commanded. When's the last time you met someone who was a true promise keeper?

So I made a decision. The decision was simple yet very hard to live up to. I decided that my covenant was separate from hers. Before God, I promised to love her "for better, or worse". Well, this is the worse. Her decision to break covenant was not with me. She broke covenant with God.

Its the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. This is even harder than armed conflict. I won't ever get a medal for the wounds that I've received while waging war in the spirit realm. I doubt that anyone will ever even take notice.

But the anointing is so strong on me now. When people ask me how I got the anointing, the story is just too long to tell. There's too many sleepless nights, too many tears, too many angry outbursts, too many artillery shells and too many insults to possibly tell the story.

When I read your story, all of the pain came back again. Satan's destroying another one. Some would call me a fool, brush the dust off their shoes, and walk on.

Be blessed and know that God is with you. Just don't give in to the spirit of the offence.

 

[Chrystal-J]

So sorry to hear about your troubles. My husband is a compulsive liar. I don't know if he ever cheated, but I'm sure he would lie about it if he did.
It hurts to feel betrayed and the trust you have is just shredded. Because of financial reasons, I've had to stay. I would of left a long time ago, if I could have.
My husband leaves and doesn't come home for 3 days and then says he was at work the whole time. He won't answer his cell phone or return my messages. I finally gave up on my "marriage" and I just consider us room-mates now.
I hope you feel better soon, as the trauma of this must be really hard for you. I've found that when I pray for strength and I try to hand my trouble over to Jesus to handle, I feel a lot better.
Take Care,
C J

 

[E-beth]

Aww sweetie...

I know exactly how you feel. I have been there.

You are not unloveable, nor do you deserve to be treated like dog doo. That isn't the example of love set forth by Christ. You are a princess, a daughter of a king. You deserve to be treated like royalty. God will get you there.

Divorce the unfaithful. Do so with a clear conscience, knowing that God understands. He grieves with you, because He planned for things to last forever just like you did. You didn't do anything wrong. You are the victim of murder...the death of your marriage covenant.

Now, some practical advice. SELL THE HOUSE. Do not walk away just to get away from the pain. He owes you enough to start a new life. You deserve to start out the next part of your life with some cash. Your kids deserve it too. When my marriage fell apart, I di dwhat you want to do. I was so shocked and in so much pain that I just wanted it to be over. I didn't even get a lawyer! I just agreed to whatever my ex's lawyer said, just to get it over with. I signed away my house. Because he made more money than I, I was advised to just let him assume the house and all the debt. Then I moved into a tiny apartment and lived off credit cards and ate baloney. In retospect, I wish I would have made him sell the house and give me half the money. We bought that house together and I deserved half of whatever it was worth. Don't let him off scot free, with a ready-made love nest that used to be your dream house.

Anyway, you will be happy again. I used to think I was done with men, God didn't want me to be happy, it was time to look out for my own happiness. I thought I would never trust or love ever again. God melted my hard heart once I learned to look at Him. Then He lead me to a wonderful guy, and where my first marriage left me feeling empty and lonely and sad, now I am full of joy and love for the Lord. I know I have His blessing, and so do you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

John said it best, "Don't give in to the spirit of the offense." If a demon leads your husband astray and you wreck the marriage... If you forgive your husband and stick with it... Guess which one Jesus would do versus which one Satan/secualr society/the demon suggests you do.

 

[Catholic Wife]

Serenity,
First, let me say that what you are feeling is normal. It's good to hear that you are getting the help you need for yourself to get through this trying time (don't forget to get the kiddo help, too). Let me say that if your husband were willing to give up his adulterous affair, then I would suggest that you work on forgiving him and get couple's counseling to work through this. But since it sounds like he isn't willing to quit his adultery, then it's probably best if you leave. Speaking from experience, get all you can from the divorce -- if not for your sake, then for the sake of your children.

Then, there are times I feel so desolate and lonely. Will I ever be loved again? Will God grant me a Christian husband? Will I trust again? Is it normal to feel this way so soon?

We've all felt this way. You are loved - by God, by your daughter, by the rest of your family, by your friends, and by me. As for a Christian husband, I don't know what God has planned for you. Take a couple of years to heal from this relationship and learn to truly love yourself. After that, then pray to know God's will for your life. As for trusting again, that takes time. Keep opening your heart a little at a time until you are fully able to trust again.

I'm not sure if wrecking the marriage will create a more stable environment for your children to live in.

The marriage is alreay "wrecked" because of her husband's actions! Staying married to a man who wont' give up his adulterous relationship isn't stable, either. Her kid has been listening to her father talk to his mistress!!! Please don't tell me that you think this is healthy for the child! What would be worse would be for Serenity to stay and have her health and well-being (and the well-being of her child) affected by her husband's actions.

What does your husband have to say for himself, his actions, and what he wants for his family? Running him down and divorcing him might feel good just like Jesus calling down a legion of angels to slaughter the Roman soldiers might have given him some satisfaction. Slow down and look at all your options before you commit yourself. Sometimes when people are sincerely sorry, forgiving them and giving them another chance when they don't deserve it will make them a greater ally than they every would be otherwise.

If he's truly sorry for his actions and quits the affair, and agrees to go for counseling, yeah, she should be willing to forgive him. But since it sounds as if he isn't sorry about what he is doing and has no plans to quit his adultery, what other recourse does Serenity have than to divorce? Should she insist on separate houses so they can lead separate lives? Her husband obviously isn't interested in having a Christian marriage, therefore, she shouldn't have to stay with him.



I don't support for frivolous reasons, but I don't think Serenity hasn't made this decision lightly. Since I don't know your situation, autumnleaf, I will say that unless you have been betrayed by the person who vowed to love and honor you, forsaking all others, all the days of your life, you can't fully understand how difficult this situation is. I pray that you never have this experience in your life.

 

[Autumnleaf]

The marriage is alreay "wrecked" because of her husband's actions! Staying married to a man who wont' give up his adulterous relationship isn't stable, either. Her kid has been listening to her father talk to his mistress!!! Please don't tell me that you think this is healthy for the child! What would be worse would be for Serenity to stay and have her health and well-being (and the well-being of her child) affected by her husband's actions.

If he's truly sorry for his actions and quits the affair, and agrees to go for counseling, yeah, she should be willing to forgive him. But since it sounds as if he isn't sorry about what he is doing and has no plans to quit his adultery, what other recourse does Serenity have than to divorce? Should she insist on separate houses so they can lead separate lives? Her husband obviously isn't interested in having a Christian marriage, therefore, she shouldn't have to stay with him.

I don't support for frivolous reasons, but I don't think Serenity hasn't made this decision lightly. Since I don't know your situation, autumnleaf, I will say that unless you have been betrayed by the person who vowed to love and honor you, forsaking all others, all the days of your life, you can't fully understand how difficult this situation is. I pray that you never have this experience in your life.

It sounds fair for Serenity to be able to divorce her husband. Jesus did not say women can divorce their husbands for infidelity. While my heart goes out to Serenity, I firmly believe Jesus knew what he was talking about when he addressed this. As a Christian I have to.

 

[Battle Maiden]

I never thought I'd be in this spot. But, I've decided to get a divorce.

I found out in January that my husband has been having an affair since 2004. He brought her to our home-- to our bed-- and had no problem sleeping in that bed with me night after night. Our 9 year old daughter was burdened with hearing my "husband" on the phone with his girlfriend for over a year. She must have been so confused. There's just been so many lies. He kept a calendar at work counting the times he had sex with her (the man can never remember an important date in my life!)

Anyway... I'm getting a divorce. I know in time I will forgive, but I will never forget. I cannot waste more years with him wondering if he's telling me the truth. I was so blindsided by this. I just had no clue. I trusted him and loved him.

My question-- are my feelings normal?

First of all, I'm on a roller coaster. I'm done with the shock and the hurt. I just want to be out of this house where he spent so much time with her, but I can't until I get a new job where I make more money and can support my daughters and I in a new apartment. People tell me to keep this house-- but I can't. It makes me sick to be here. I don't want any part of it, or any financial gain from it. I just want to walk away from it.

I feel so angry that I did not choose to be put in this situation. I'm so angry that he chose this route and it changed SO many people's lives... it's changed my daughter's lives, their schooling, and my occupation. It's effected my siblings, nephews and neices, our godchild and my stepchild.

Then, there are times where I feel so much strength, independence, courage and faith that God will get me through this.

Then, there are times I feel so desolate and lonely. Will I ever be loved again? Will God grant me a Christian husband? Will I trust again? Is it normal to feel this way so soon?

I hear people in every day situations talking about affairs like they are no big deal. It makes me so sick to my stomache. How do people do that to someone they love?

Yes, I'm in therapy and then some more. I'm just blown away by these feelings. Thanks for listening to me blow off steam.

Oh hon I feel your pain and yes it is normal for you to feel this way. But in time when you are ready you will have to forgive because it will eat you away and it is a command that we have obey if you want God to forgive. The Lord will help you through and he will release his healing as you give each thing to him.

Battle Maiden