Is this normal for couples?

[BMT123]

**Question is at the bottom if you don't feel like reading my story**

I have struggled with masturbation and sexual sin for a very long time now. Long story short, I was given the "go get em" approach from my dad and I sadly had premarital sex. The first porno I watched was with my dad. Now that I have rediscovered my faith in Jesus I have been taking steps to cleanse my life of sin but sexual desires still have a hold on me.

Shortly after returning to church I found a girl. She was very strong in her walk with Christ but she too had made her mistakes and had premarital sex. We both decided early that we wanted to remain pure in every sense of the word, and that we were going to abstain from any form of sex. I am so happy to be waiting, however at times I make huge mistakes.

We have "fooled around" more than a couple times now, never going as far as having sex, but we both are very ashamed and frustrated because it keeps happening. Sometimes I feel I am the only one pushing her into doing things, other times I feel she welcomes my come on's.

She had discovered I watched porn frequently and helped encourage me to stop. I no longer watch porn, but I find myself helpless to quit masturbating. The worst part is that usually when I am trying my hardest not to touch, that is usually when I end up "fooling around" with her! On the flip side though, when I touch I often fantasize about sexual acts with her, and they usually end up consuming me until they actually happen.

And this is just my side of things. I know she too deals with desires, but I feel she has a better grasp on it than I do.

After these "episodes" we both feel miserable and have contemplated breaking up because of them. As a guy I want to fix things, I am under the impression that if we both continue to want to stay pure badly enough, and put our faith in God, that we can work through this! I have great hope that we can!

I can feel her doubts though, and she has asked me before, "Do you think other couples deal with the same type of temptation that we do? Do you think other couples struggle as much as we do? I feel like it shouldn't be this hard."

So this is my question to all of you.

-----Do all couples struggle with sexual desires? Is it a constant battle for other couples?

 

[BMT123]

I should note too that we have been dating for a year and a half. I am 20, she is 18.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Sex is part of human nature. We need it to survive and drive on. Desire is just the trigger that causes the need for it. Think about it, if animals whom we have determined not to have conscious thought didn't have the desire to have sex, their species would simply cease to exist. We too are animals and our earliest ancestors who didn't understand what sex was were driven solely by that desire, so it's a completely normal and needed thing.

It also helps to be sexually attracted to someone you are involved with. Say you got married and you had no desire for sex with that person... that would lead to many issues which usually would end up in divorce.

The biggest issue is learning how to control that desire instead of letting it control you, which many people seem to do these days or not do depending on how you look at it.

 

[pkfire]

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that, like what NiobiumTragedy says, sexual desire is a part of human nature. Everyone goes through it, and everyone experiences it, albeit in different ways.

Also, realize that different Christians have very different views on what is and is not sexual sin. For some everything sexual is a sin. For others it is not. So that's really something that you guys should talk about and read up on. Really think through it and see what works best for you. Perhaps it would be good for both of you to talk to a Father about this as well - do you guys attend church together?

Finally, protect yourself. You never know what's going to happen. Read up on what to do in case you both give in, which happens all the time. Don't be a statistic - know how to protect yourself against STDs, pregnancy, etc. so that if you do fall into sin, you at least will stay physically safe as well.

God bless.

 

[sparklingdust]

In today's world, so many people draw their own lines when it comes to what is sex and what is not and how far they will go and how far they won't. I really admire you for wanting God to draw those lines.

That said, and this might sound weird, but I am proud that you have voiced this struggle. Too many Christians know they are making the wrong choice when they chose to sexually sin, but "numb" themselves into not feeling bad about it. Having a conscience, despite both you and your girlfriend's past experiences, is a sign that you are still in control and your desires haven't swallowed you up.

Next, a word of advice. The best way I know how to destroy habits in your life such as this, is accountability. An accountability partner, OTHER THAN your girlfriend, can help you and remind you and there is less chance of temptation when you know that you are being held accountable.

I understand, all too well, that habits such as this are hard to break. But it is not impossible, and you need to believe that. At first, it is really, really hard to say no or to not listen to your own desires. You know this by now, I'm sure. -Let your temptations know that you mean business, and back up your no with scripture or prayer or something to get your mind off of your desires and onto Jesus. Like I said, it is really really hard at first, but with each time you overcome the drive to fool around with your girlfriend or touch - it will get easier.

I hope this helps, and I will be praying for you and your girlfriend!

 

[Blackwater Babe]

You think God wants you to stress out and worry about, and hate a part of you that is totally natural?

 

[Sir Robbins]

Sex is part of human nature. We need it to survive and drive on.

I would respectfully disagree. I was in a relationship for over a year and never had any sexual feelings in spite of always taking naps with her, sometimes sleeping over with her and being intimate on a daily basis. Nearly 10 years later, I still have none towards anyone. Sex is a non-negotiable for me with a relationship and it has been the reason behind my singleness forever. Sex is definitly NOT a need......... for everyone. I have been cleared of all medical problems, depression, anxiety, blah blah blah. I just don't want it with anyone (including myself)


to answer the OP's question, No; not all couples struggle with it. There ARE people who don't want it or NEED it. They sure are hard to come by though. I only found one and I moved which resulted in our seperation.

 

[reptilegirl]

I would respectfully disagree. I was in a relationship for over a year and never had any sexual feelings in spite of always taking naps with her, sometimes sleeping over with her and being intimate on a daily basis. Nearly 10 years later, I still have none towards anyone. Sex is a non-negotiable for me with a relationship and it has been the reason behind my singleness forever. Sex is definitly NOT a need......... for everyone. I have been cleared of all medical problems, depression, anxiety, blah blah blah. I just don't want it with anyone (including myself)


to answer the OP's question, No; not all couples struggle with it. There ARE people who don't want it or NEED it. They sure are hard to come by though. I only found one and I moved which resulted in our seperation.

It sounds like you are asexual. I guarantee MOST do struggle with it , Christian or not. Most couples WANT and should want it. If you are not sexually attracted to someone, move on!

 

[Sir Robbins]

It sounds like you are asexual. I guarantee MOST do struggle with it , Christian or not. Most couples WANT and should want it. If you are not sexually attracted to someone, move on!

I have battled with that thought..... I experience romantic attraction and am capable of sex, just not interested.

 

[reptilegirl]

I have battled with that thought..... I experience romantic attraction and am capable of sex, just not interested.

like I said, that is NOT normal. Could be because of asexuality or medication. Normal for a young person, NO.

 

[decent orange]

Once you let that beast in, it does not easily go away. Sex is indeed natural and required for survival, but sexual lust is one of two ways the body controls the mind, the other being hunger.

I can't lie, I've had the same problem with it. When I was in the Marine Corps a few years back, one thing that earned the respect of our peers was how many woman we could get. It was like they were the reason for everything we did, I mean their bodies were anyway. It took me SO long to just get to the point to not like being that way. My conversion was the first step in that regard. But my own anger/wrath was the force that scared me into repenting for the most part, therefore, my sexual tendencies continued a bit even while I was attempting to clean myself.

I'm married now, so now I atleast have an acceptable means for relief, but not all people are that fortunate at this particular moment.

Some men can control the urge and I never understood how they can get their mind off it. I think it depends on what was allowed in. People like me and you allowed the lustful woman to enter our hearts for long periods of time, and now that type of spirit has immense power over us. One thing I learned from Orthodoxy though is fasting. Self-denial and suffering for 40 days really does cause a certain force to leave a person.

I can't explain it, but going without, burning with desire, but not watering the seed causes it to die until it is allowed in again. It's almost like there are some sort of independent beings passing in and out of us, and they become connected to us. This weird hunch could all be just in my mind, but I have noticed that after I let it burn, and not feed it, it goes away and I find that the being has a harder time making its way to me in the future.

All weird to think about, but it's just my observation.

 

[sparklingdust]

The biggest issue is learning how to control that desire instead of letting it control you, which many people seem to do these days or not do depending on how you look at it.

BMT123,
I agree with this. Many people don't understand why masturbation is seen as wrong. In my personal opinion, our lives should revolve around one thing, and that is to bring glory to God. I see masturbation as wrong because the act does not do that.

Jesus calls us to "die to ourselves and take up the cross." aaand part of that means not succumbing to our fleshly desires, such as masturbation.

I would also say that masturbation, as well as other sexual sin, is a type of addiction. In 1 Corinthians, Paul says that while the saying "everything is permissible, not everything is beneficial" is true - he [paul] will not be mastered by anything.

...These are just some more thoughts I've had about this over the past couple of days. I hope all of this mumbo jumbo helps! Please know I am praying for you!

 

[Sir Robbins]

like I said, that is NOT normal. Could be because of asexuality or medication. Normal for a young person, NO.

I know it isn't normal. I have never in my life touched medication.....

 

[sparklingdust]

Oh, oh, oh... another post already? yes. but something decent orange said reminded me of something. He said:

I can't explain it, but going without, burning with desire, but not watering the seed causes it to die until it is allowed in again. It's almost like there are some sort of independent beings passing in and out of us, and they become connected to us. This weird hunch could all be just in my mind, but I have noticed that after I let it burn, and not feed it, it goes away and I find that the being has a harder time making its way to me in the future...

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
~


...It is impossible to stop a sin, especially sexual sins, easily. I want you to be encouraged by this story though, and by telling you that whichever wolf you feed will win. You and your girlfriend can overcome this with persistence, determination and faith. Be encouraged!

 

[reptilegirl]

I know it isn't normal. I have never in my life touched medication.....

THis post was about if it's normal for couples to struggle. Yes, it is normal. Praying continuously and being in an accountability group help.

 

[true2theword]

**Question is at the bottom if you don't feel like reading my story**

I have struggled with masturbation and sexual sin for a very long time now. Long story short, I was given the "go get em" approach from my dad and I sadly had premarital sex. The first porno I watched was with my dad. Now that I have rediscovered my faith in Jesus I have been taking steps to cleanse my life of sin but sexual desires still have a hold on me.

Shortly after returning to church I found a girl. She was very strong in her walk with Christ but she too had made her mistakes and had premarital sex. We both decided early that we wanted to remain pure in every sense of the word, and that we were going to abstain from any form of sex. I am so happy to be waiting, however at times I make huge mistakes.

We have "fooled around" more than a couple times now, never going as far as having sex, but we both are very ashamed and frustrated because it keeps happening. Sometimes I feel I am the only one pushing her into doing things, other times I feel she welcomes my come on's.

She had discovered I watched porn frequently and helped encourage me to stop. I no longer watch porn, but I find myself helpless to quit masturbating. The worst part is that usually when I am trying my hardest not to touch, that is usually when I end up "fooling around" with her! On the flip side though, when I touch I often fantasize about sexual acts with her, and they usually end up consuming me until they actually happen.

And this is just my side of things. I know she too deals with desires, but I feel she has a better grasp on it than I do.

After these "episodes" we both feel miserable and have contemplated breaking up because of them. As a guy I want to fix things, I am under the impression that if we both continue to want to stay pure badly enough, and put our faith in God, that we can work through this! I have great hope that we can!

I can feel her doubts though, and she has asked me before, "Do you think other couples deal with the same type of temptation that we do? Do you think other couples struggle as much as we do? I feel like it shouldn't be this hard."

So this is my question to all of you.

-----Do all couples struggle with sexual desires? Is it a constant battle for other couples?

Paul says rather than burn with lust get married..........if your over 18 and can understand that love is more of a commitment then just the sexual aspects then get married and stop sinning.

although most men find that marriage does not set them free from masturbation and porn

also there is a way to get free from masturbation, it starts with not allowing sexual thoughts to flow like a porn movie in your mind. as the bible teaches hold your thoughts accountable to Christ.

second its merely a deception that you have to touch, if you rebuke the lie when it comes to mind as a temptation aloud, "thats a lie" I don't need to do that" I'm never satified from it" I always feel rotton afterward"

because thats what it is! you know after you give in to doing it, you wish you didn't!.......so what is actually the truth! the truth is satan knows how to make your flesh stronger than your spirit, if you acknowledge that the whole temptation is a lie, a deceptive deceitful lie from the pit of hell

you will be amazed at after awhile you will begin to have victories overcoming these temptations, if your not afraid of failing, and refuse to give up, you to will see that these temptations start declining, to fewer and fewer, to a point where you will look back and go WOW! I am not even tempted anymore

It all starts with the mind, the daydreams, the passing thoughts, the TV YOU WATCH! if you stop feeding the mind the food that feeds the desire. you will starve that demonic spirit of the flesh into submission

just to let you know, I was the king of sexual sins, and thoroughly addicted to porn and masturbation, I never ever in my wildest dreams thought I would ever be free, I wasn't even safe to be alone with myself in the bathroom.........any bathroom for that matter.

I tried reading all kinds of books paid really good money for alot of them, they actually made me think of porn more and masturbating more

I used to hear about people claiming they were set free and I wished Jesus would set me free, but I was like alot of guys, I wanted God to do it, and for me to not have to change a thing.

then that scripture hit me like a ton of bricks, "hold every thought captive to Christ".....to me it meant if Jesus wouldn't like this thought I need to rebuke it.........so thats where i started

gotta tell ya the first three months were nothing but constant rebukes because my mind was totally saturated with images and memories of sexual sin, and I was not seeming to be making any headway.....but I'm a bit stubborn and I wasn't gonna give up

Hebrew 12:3-4


3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.


4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.


Had I ever really fought against this sin as if I would fight in a real fight where I might get my nose bloodied or broken.............this was the mindset I latched onto........I would fight to the death, or to the victory


satan knows how long some christians will try and stop some sin in their life, you got to be relentless, and constantly get back up after every fall, you will wear that ole snake out, it takes quite awhile,

you have to consider how many years were you plowing the same groove you were trapped in.......much like a life time smoker has a tougher time quiting than a new addict.

but if you don't give up! you will be an overcomer, you will see how overtime you get stronger and stronger, after awhile you will realize that months have gone by and in that time not even once did you even think about masturbation

then even longer periods, then a day will come and you won't even remember how it had such a strong hold on you, you will shrug your shoulders and think why was it impossible for me to stop.


I pray that you begin today, cleansing your mind, and rebuking all your stinking thinking...........and not long from now you to will know what it means to actually be free from these addictions

 

[OGM]

I know it isn't normal. I have never in my life touched medication.....

I see where you are coming from Sir Robbins. My life is so busy and my responsibilities so extreme that I don't feel sexual attraction anymore. I have soooo much going on that it is as if got pushed out. I always prioritize things in life and it is as if my brain filters out "interference" and/or non-essential feelings that might take up a lot of time and energy.

It is as if you were in a busy room with new florescent lighting. Often times you would not notice the slight buzz/hum of the lights even though your ears can technically perceive it. It can be the same with sexual attraction. Even when hormones and chemicals are fully functioning; the brain my not "feel" any attraction towards anyone because it is like the light hum that got filtered out.

It is not negative...it is different. I find my thoughts are more settled and organized this way. Also I have become more and more independent. Meaning I travel and find hobbies that don't require another person. Yet I am still very social. Which often surprises people.

As a Christian Single I don't have to stress over; M, porn, unwanted pregnancy, AIDS, Herpes, Chlamydia, HPV, etc. At this stage in my life; sex has about as much appeal to me as smoking methamphetamine. I am not tempted to engage in either. Besides, my dentist would kill me if I ruined this smile

Couples can be the same. Some may even experience love without sexual attraction...since they are not the same. So to answer the question. Not everyone struggles with sexuality. It is extremely varied between individuals.

 

[Sir Robbins]

^
I experienced love once, without sexual desire and it was great. I miss it dearly and have gone nearly 10 years without it I, too have many hobbies requiring only my presence; model railroading, reading, writing, painting, ect. Nice to know there are others like me Maybe not identical but like me enough to understand.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

My husband and I were like you guys in that neither of us were virgins due to past mistakes with other people, but we wanted to wait until marriage with each other. And we did! It was a struggle, but we did manage to abstain from sex, oral sex, and other types of foreplay until we got married. It is totally normal for it to be VERY difficult.

 

[OGM]

^
I experienced love once, without sexual desire and it was great. I miss it dearly and have gone nearly 10 years without it I, too have many hobbies requiring only my presence; model railroading, reading, writing, painting, ect. Nice to know there are others like me Maybe not identical but like me enough to understand.

have a lot of hobbies/interest and I have a few businesses to run. Also I have relatives to take care of with chronic medical conditions. I understand completely!